My Book, THE PRICE OF SEXY LOVE...please read and Rate!!!

[Spennys_dream1236]

this is my book i have worked on it for a Long Time so please enjoy!!! sweatdrop

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CHAPTER ONE
Fantasia

The dirty ghetto rain felt nice against Andy Bitchslap’s face. It was past midnight and he was still walking up and down the sidewalk, waiting for Fantasia to finish up inside the cheap motel. Its flashing neon sign flickered between reading “Motel” to “Moel”, as it had for the past 2 hours. Andy stroked his wet chin, wondering what a Moel was. Maybe it was a type of mattress. Yeah he was pretty sure he had heard that in a commercial. Buy Moel Mattresses! Wait never mind. That sounded tacky. What kind of company would make Moel Mattresses? Maybe he’d invent them. Some crazy new mattress made of Styrofoam or something. Would that be comfy? Yeah, didn’t matter. People would buy it because if you bounced on it the glass of wine wouldn’t spill. Maybe it would just break. He’d reinforce it with steel. That’d work. Plus it would be easy to clean if the wine ever did spill…plus it insulates well…and they’d be cheap to make and sell. Maybe later he’d make this. Yeah, a nice little mattress company. Make some money the honest way, you know? No more working the streets.
Fantasia stepped out of the building. She lit a cigarette with a match she struck on her own cold, hard heart.
“b***h where the ******** is my money.” Andy smacked her.
“Right here, baby,” she said, pulling a wad of cash from between her breasts.
“Thank you Fantasia. I’m sorry for hitting you.” Andy reached over and hugged her lovingly. His sensitive side was showing.
“Baby your sensitive side is showing.” Fantasia said, pointing out the obvious.
“b***h don’t point out the obvious.” Andy smacked her again.
Fantasia smiled and grabbed Andy’s arm, holding it the way you would think a whore would hold a pimp’s arm. You know what I mean. Anyway they continued to walk down the ghetto street, back to the building they called home. The sign above it read “Prostitutes” but the people who lived there read “Girls With A Sensitive Side Who Just Want To Be Loved.” Sure, none of them were very good at reading, but it didn’t matter. All I’m trying to say is this is where they lived and they just wanted to be loved. And that they’re uneducated, worthless whores. But none of that mattered.
Fantasia squinted. She really needed glasses. Still, she could make out a tall African American woman around 23 and a half in a purple plastic tube top, plastic black bootay shorts, and 6 inch heels made of solid gold. Across the back of her shorts, LaShanda was written in gold sequins.
“Andy, baby, I think someone’s standing in out front of our building.”
Andy squinted. He could see the girl, too. He grabbed Fantasia’s arm and began to run over to their headquarters. Once they got there, he pushed Fantasia into the street where she was then hit by a car. The pimp stood there in his jacket made of $100 bills and lined with gold for several minutes, trying to shake the feeling someone was staring at him. He turned his head to see that he was, in fact, correct: the girl was staring at him nervously.
“Why did you do that?” she asked.
“The b***h was going to steal my mattress company. She had some crazy ideas that would change the mattress world forever, in a very good way. It would have been wonderful. But here’s the thing: she was only going to give me half. So now the world gets all the revolutionary mattress goodness and I get twice the money. It was a tough decision, but I think I made the right one.”
“You have a mattress company?”
“Yes. It’s called Moel Mattresses. They’re impossible to break, easy to clean, and even easier to replace. Great for all your traveling needs, the Moel Mattress is easy to store and has great insulation. Its convenient inner shell can also be filled with food, blankets, or even hot water to double the warmth. All of this at the ridiculous price of $300!”
“That’s amazing! I might just buy one of these!”
“Here’s my card. Give me a call any time.”
“Gee, thanks!”
Andy walked into the building, satisfied with yet another customer.

[Spennys_dream1236]

CHAPTER 2
LaShanda

Back outside in the rain, the girl in the purple tube top and bootay shorts and high heels flipped the card over and began dialing the number printed there into her cell phone. A man answered.
“Hey *****, it’s Andy Bitchslap. What can I do for you today?”
“My name’s LaShanda, and I’m looking for a job as a ho. You got any openings?”
The pimp gazed out the window at Fantasia’s bloody body laying in the middle of the road. That b***h needed to stop taking breaks without asking first. Her dirty a** was so fired.
“Yeah, one just opened up. Meet me in my office and we’ll discuss this more.”
LaShanda walked into the building, where she saw a familiar pimp counting money at a desk made of solid gold.
“So, you’re the famous LaShanda I keep hearing about. Tell me a little about yourself.”
‘Well, I’m a confident, experienced prostitute who works hard and stays focused but also have a sensitive side. I’m African American.” LaShanda replied, confidently.
“Wonderful. I’m Andy Bitchslap, a Canadian/Asian pimp who plays by his own rules but also has a sensitive side. My mother is Victoria Bitchslap, a loose-cannon cop who plays by her own rules and has a sensitive side. Also she’s a whore by night and Bo$$ HoHy is her pimp. She carries a gun made of diamond at all times. Also she’s a pimp sometimes too.”
“So when can I start, Mr. Bitchslap?” asked LaShanda, scratching the scalp that was hidden somewhere under her huge mass of blonde hair.
“First of all, call me ‘baby’. You can start tomorrow. Meet me here, 6:00 AM sharp. I’ll introduce you to the other hos.”
“Aight. Sounds cool. I’ll be there, baby.”
“b***h you better be there.”
And so LaShanda winked and walked out of the building, the sequins on her butt glittering like a million diamonds made of solid gold. Andy felt the strange need to run after her, to slap her slutty face lovingly and to walk off into the ghetto sunset with her clutching his arm and calling him “baby”. Andy Bitchslap was deeply in love with his new ho.

[Spennys_dream1236]

CHAPTER 3
Bo$$ HoHy

As soon as she was outside, LaShanda saw a tall, American Indian man walking towards her. He was clad in all denim: a denim cowboy hat, jacket, pants, button-up shirt, shoes, and moustache. The man flashed her an award-winning smile, except something was wrong: he had gold teeth. Grillz? Thought LaShanda. He also had a sensitive side.
The man walked closer to her. “b***h I’m Bo$$ HoHy.”
“Nice to meet you b***h I like your grillz.”
“b***h they’re real.”
“Oh that’s amazing.”
“Indeed.”
“So what do you want.”
“Do you wanna be my ho”
“I already got a pimp”
“Oh ok. How about we go to my place and discuss politics, then?”
LaShanda liked to talk about politics, so she went with him…

[Spennys_dream1236]

CHAPTER 4
Now It’s In England

Andy chip-chipped over to the tea parlor. It was a nice, sunny day in London. The birds chirped happily above him, occasionally flapping their colorful wings. His shoe made a nice slapping sound on the wooden floors of the parlor. Eventually, he spotted an empty seat at the counter.
“I’ll have a nice cup of tea,” he requested.
“That’ll be euros.”
“OK, I shall pay for this tea in euros.”
SUDDENLY, BO$$ HOHY’S GANG BURST THROUGH THE DOOR, WAVING THEIR GUNS. THEY STARTED SHOOTING AT EVERYONE ANGRILY, SCREAMING. ALL OF THE BOTTLES OF TEA EXPLODED, SENDING SHARDS OF GLASS FLYING IN ALL DIRECTIONS. THEIR CONTENT BURST INTO FLAMES AND SPREAD ACROSS THE ROOM, FILLING ANDY’S LUNGS WITH SMOKE AND HIS EYES WITH TEARS. HE BEGAN TO CRY BECAUSE HE WAS IN LOVE WITH A DIRTY WHORE AND THEIR LOVE COULD NEVER BE. BO$$ HOHY HAD WON. OR HAD HE?
ANDY THRUST A FIST IN THE AIR. HE COULD NOT LAY HERE IN HIS JACKET MADE OF $100 BILLS AND LINED WITH GOLD WHILE INNOCENT PEOPLE DIED! THE HERO JUMPED TO HIS FEET, PULLED OUT HIS GUN, AND SHOT EVERYONE IN THE PARLOR. IF BO$$ HOHY HAD BEEN THERE HE WOULD HAVE SHOT HIM TOO BUT HE WASN’T THERE. ANYWAY ANDY FLEW BACK TO THE GHETTO IN HIS SOLID-GOLD JET. END OF CAPSLOCK

[Kateryna of Kyiv]

I'm at least 35% sure that this is in the wrong place.

[Spennys_dream1236]

CHAPTER 5
Andy and LaShanda Make Out

The next day, LaShanda met Andy in his office like she said she would. She was wearing the same stuff as before, and so was he.
“OK you’re hired.”
“OK, coo’” she replied.
LaShanda wiped a runaway hair from her soft, brown sugar face. Her eyebrow smudged a little. At that moment, Andy was more attracted to her than he had ever been to a woman. His heart raced and his eyes met hers, only to find that she had the same longing gaze. He walked over to her and smacked her across the face, then met her lips with a nice warm kiss. Then they made out. But they didn’t do it.

[Spennys_dream1236]

CHAPTER 6
Starshine Penisman

It was now very late at night. In fact, it was 2AM. Andy sat in a sticky, torn barstool in his favorite strip club. He order a beer mixed with cocaine and gold. As the deep-in-thought pimp was deep in thought about making out with LaShanda, he gulped down his drink and ordered another. By 3AM he had ordered about 1,000,000 of this drink, which had been named the Golden Bitchslap in his honor, but he wasn’t really drunk because as a pimp he can drink for days nonstop without getting drunk because his brain is made of solid gold.
Suddenly, someone patted Andy on the back. It was Starshine Penisman, his best friend. Starshine worked as a male stripper in a different part of the club. He wore a white Elvis-style suit with gold accents, and a huge gold belt with a star on the buckle. The star had “SP” written on it in diamonds. His luxurious, blonde hair glistened in the flashing lights of the club. He had dozens of gold rings and necklaces. A single earring hung from his right ear, but this was his plainest accessory. You see, as a child he was born with a disease that made him bleed from his earlobe. The earring was put in place to keep the ear closed, and if it were removed, Starshine would bleed to death.
The stripper pushed some of his precious locks behind his left ear. He shot Andy an award-winning smile and asked him what was up. Penisman certainly had a sexy voice. It was seductive and sweet, and in no time Andy was pouring out his deepest feelings about LaShanda to his best friend.
“Holy s**t. Is she hot?” the gay stripper asked.
“Hell yeah, bitchhhhhhhhhh,” Andy replied.
“Well, I know how we can relieve your stress…” Starshine said, winking.
“You’re not suggesting….” Andy asked, memories of the last time they did that flooding his mind.
“Hell yeah I’m suggesting that.”

[Sergeant Major Bloodshed]

REM Sleep

I'm at least 35% sure that this is in the wrong place.

I'm at least 80% sure this is a joke.

[Spennys_dream1236]

CHAPTER 7
Twinklegay

Andy could taste danger in the air as he and his best friend exited the strip club/bar. They jumped into Starshine’s SexMobile. And they didn’t do it. You thought they were going to, didn’t you? No. You were wrong. Anyway, they drove to Andy’s place. Again, they didn’t do it. They hurried inside and went straight to his room. They didn’t do it there, either. They went to his room because he kept their detective costumes in his closet. See, when either of the friends was in a pickle, they dressed up as detectives and hit the town for a night of kick-a** crime fighting.
They jumped back into the SexMobile and drove to the ghetto-est of ghetto-places…Ghettoville. Armed with 2 guns and a sword and some other stuff, Andy and Starshine made their way into the darkest corner of Ghettoville: Bo$$ HoHy’s office. Bo$$ HoHy was Andy’s rival pimp, in case you didn’t realize that like a million chapters ago, so he figured he’d arrest him for kicks.
Starshine and Andy pulled out their guns and started running towards the entrance. They shot like 5 guards and it was very dramatic and bloody. They were almost at the door when a voice came from behind them… “NOT SO FAST~!”
Andy turned his head, only to see Twinklegay (Bo$$ HoHy’s bodyguard) standing behind him with a big-a** gun. His hot pink spiked hair seemed to glow in the moonlight. He was wearing a sparkly pink tank top and black short shorts that complimented his very hairless and very feminine legs. A pair of pink wedges to match his shirt supported his feet in style. To top it off, a pair of light pink stunna shades protected his eyes from the surprisingly well-lit darkest corner of the ghetto. But Twinklegay was more than just good looks and a hot body- he was very strong and very deadly.
Andy and Starshine were doomed- or they would have been, if Starshine didn’t know so much about Twinklegay (they used to date). Twinklegay liked to make really big speeches. Without making one, he couldn’t fight. Or have vigorous gay sex. See, Starshine had gotten sick of the speeches and that’s why they broke up. Anyway, the stripper pulled out his gun and shot Twinklegay in the head before the horrible speech could begin. The bodyguard fell to the ground in a pool of blood, leaving Bo$$’s office completely unprotected.
“Aight! Lets finish dis s**t!” yelled Andy happily. He pulled his gun from his pimpin detective robe’s pocket and kicked down the door. The two friends ventured into the darkest part of the darkest corner of the darkest ghetto together, unaware of the danger they were getting into.

[OneXMuerte]

Quote:

The dirty ghetto rain

What the ******** is that? How is rain dirty and/or ghetto? Are you trying to be black? Just asking...

[Spennys_dream1236]

CHAPTER 8
Bo$$ HoHy’s Office

After walking through the darkness for about 5 minutes, Starshine and Andy arrived in a huge room full of luxurious seats, blaring music, sexy people, and disco balls galore. There was one disgustingly tacky problem though: everyone was wearing all denim. The furniture was made of denim, the walls were lined with denim, it was a denim nightmare. Don’t get me wrong, Andy enjoyed the comfort of jeans, but anything else made of denim was just grotesque. The pimpin’ pimp and his stripper best friend looked at each other and nodded: it was go time. They tore off their detective robes to reveal their true disguises: FASHION POLICE UNIFORMS. They tore down every piece of denim and replaced it with fur, gold, and other pimpin stuff. They went through all the main rooms, repeating this process and giving everyone normal (pimpin) clothes.
At long last they got through all the rooms, until the only one left was Bo$$ HoHy’s main office. As they walked down the hallway, Andy couldn’t help but wonder why HoHy liked denim so much. His denim moustache was beautiful in the light shining off his gold teeth, but everything else was a major fashion violationnnnn. He would have liked to ponder the subject a little more, but before he knew it they were at the door. Andy kicked the door down and they ran inside.
The room was exactly like the first room, but bigger and more denim-y. Across the room, Andy made out a chair surrounded by hos wearing denim lingerie. Surely that was where Bo$$ HoHy was. He turned to Starshine. “You stay here. This is personal.” With that, Andy ran to the chair. He grabbed one of the hos’ arms to pull her aside, only to realize it was his mother, Victoria Bitchslap. In case you forgot, Victoria Bitchslap was a loose-cannon cop who plays by her own rules and has a sensitive side. Also she’s a whore by night and Bo$$ HoHy is her pimp. She carries a gun made of diamond at all times. Also she’s a pimp sometimes too.
“Mom I thought you only worked here Tuesdays.”
“It is Tuesday, smartass”
“Oh ok.” He kissed his mom on the cheek and slapped her aside, then continued to smack his way through the crowd of whores. Once he got to the chair, he was not surprised to see the denim-clad pimp he knew all too well lounging in his golden throne, upholstered with denim.
“AHAHAHAHYDSGDLGV YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT WE JUST DID, HOHY!” laughed Andy, “I JUST TORE DOWN ALL THE TACKY s**t IN YOUR STUPID HOUSE-THING AND REPLACED IT WITH PIMPIN s**t! TEEHEE!”
“YEAH? WELL YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I JUST DID!” replies Bo$$ HoHy. Andy looked to where he was pointing and saw his brown sugar sugar baby laying on the denim-sheeted bed like 2 feet away.
“LASHANDA! YOU DIRTY WHORE!”
“Yeah?” LaShanda said, waking up.
“HOW COULD YOU? AFTER ALL THE GOOD TIMES WE HAD?”
“Uhm, I am a ho, yo…”
Andy broke down in tears and threw a huge bitchy tantrum that some a*****e recorded and put on youtube. No one knows what happens until like a year later.

[Clavissima]

This is my favorite story ever.

[Spennys_dream1236]

CHAPTER 9
A Year Later

Andy hadn’t talked to LaShanda since that night. Sure, she had been his best and only ho for a long long time, bringing in millions of dollars, but he hadn’t talked to her. That was until LaShanda walked over to him one day and looked into his eyes silently.
“What do you want?” Andy asked after smacking her hello.
“Andy, baby, I know you’re still mad at me after what I did.”
“SHU-“ LaShanda put her finger over his lips extremely sexually to silence him.
“…And I’m so grateful that you haven’t decided to kick me out to the streets after that. You’ve taken such great care of me, hon, honestly you have, but I really need your help.” Andy looked at her brown eyes, big and sappy like a deer’s. A single tear poured out of it, rolling gracefully down her soft cheek. God he wanted to slap her, but he refrained. This wasn’t the time for fun.
“Andy……….I’m pregnant.”
“What? Who’s the father?”
“I don’t know…this guy I did. But he’s scary.”
“Do you think he’ll kill you or something?”
“No, he really wants a kid. He made that very clear. He loves talking about having kids during sex. Anyway, I know he’ll find out. And he knows about you. He knows how you feel about me. Andy, I think he would kill you.”
“………s**t.” Andy dropped into his chair and put his hand over his eyes.
“Andy, I need your help! He’d kill you and take the baby when it’s born and then kill me! For the love of god, my baby will not grow up wearing denim!”
“DID YOU SAY DENIM?”
“Oh Andy…..”
“HOW COULD YOU DO BO$$ HOHY AGAIN?”
“He paid top dollar…….”
“We have to get away. We need to run. We have to give up our lives here run to the country, settle down. We can sell mattresses. I have a great idea for mattresses, baby! We could make so much money!”
“I don’t know, Andy. I grew up a ho. I’m a ho through and through. You can’t expect me to just drop everything and run away with you. Especially not……you. Andy, I don’t love you.”
Andy looked up. Everything he had known about love had just been shattered. He fell to the ground in tears, his breath slowing, tears welling up in his eyes. In moments he was dead.

[Spennys_dream1236]

CHAPTER 10
10 years later

Andy had been dead for 10 years. Not a day went by when LaShanda…thought about him. He never crossed her mind once. Maybe once or twice,, but besides that nothing. Her child grew up strong, healthy, and beautiful-because he was made of gold. As she had sworn, he never wore denim. He wore gold, diamond, and silver jackets. He lived a life of glamour and luxury. LaShanda didn’t have to whore anymore: her bills were paid by the plans for a mattress company she stole from Andy’s desk. Moel mattresses was a huge hit. She lived happily married to Bo$$ HoHy, her one true love. But there was one thing she could not leave from her old life working the streets: her baby. Little did she know that there was only one man who could produce a solid gold baby: ANDY BITCHSLAP, THE HARDCORE PIMP WITH A SENSITIVE SIDE. YEAH, HE LOVED HER SO MUCH THAT HE GOT HER PREGNANT WITHOUT EVEN DOING IT. ISN’T LASHANDA A b***h?

THE END

[OneXMuerte]

Stop goddamn posting! You are in the wrong forum. Get it straight.