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Shade_Wing's Senpai

Timid Regular

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I've been working on a stroy for a wile but am so far stuck. can some one help me?

I'll post what i have next time i'm on line...
Hmm.. yeah, might be an idea to post what you're stuck on rather than randomly asking for help wink

Chatty Phantom

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True enough. How far along are you?

Shade_Wing's Senpai

Timid Regular

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Chapter 1 - Origins

Shade and his twin brother, Yuri Kinneve, were born on a wild December day in southern San Francisco, California, during a statewide power outage. Shade had earned the nickname Black Rose from a birthmark located between his shoulders on his upper back area, because it was pigmented black and resembled a closed rose bloom. For unknown reasons his father disappeared when he was five years old. His mother kicked him and his brother, Yuri out on the streets at the age of eleven, three days short of their twelfth birthday, because they blew up the garage again while playing around with fertilizer chemicals. Yuri’s talent as an expert explosive maker were being sought after by a terrorist group who tried to convert him to their side, but couldn’t, so they killed him in a suicide attack on an embassy. Shade, was held by the terrorists at gunpoint to witness his brother’s demise and then let escaped as they watched the flames grow.
After three days of running and hiding he collapsed in an alley behind an old mansion. Exhausted he got up and started to walk down the alley. Suddenly he tripped over a metal pipe and fell into a plastic crate, which shattered on impact. He looked down at the shattered crate and saw a large red jewel; he reached for it and found the longer he held it in his hand the hotter it felt and the more it grew in size. He quickly tried to toss the gem, but it wouldn’t release from his hand. It was like the jewel wanted him. After a few minutes the gem looked like it was infusing into his skin, and it was! Shade was fascinated at this jewel-based intruder, as it started to spread throughout his entire body. He felt super human strength as the gem moved up his body and gave strength to his arms and legs. He felt self-healing powers emit from his heart and racing thoughts of supreme knowledge fill his brain. Suddenly he saw darkness and passed out as his body felt like it was on fire from the unbearable pain.
When he awoke several hours later his body had completed a total metamorphosis. No longer did he have flaming red hair, but it was now pitch black, his eyes where no longer green but fire red. A small scar from the jewel’s entrance could not be seen by the naked eye, and yet, Shade could see it clearly. As he looked around he noted that he was no longer in the alley, but in the mansion itself. As he was attempting to rise up off the bed a servant girl entered the room carrying a basin of water and some linen. She told him she was there to clean up his wounds. He quickly asked, “How did I get here?” She explained that their mistress, the daughter of the owner of the mansion, had ordered the servants’ to bring him into the house, clean him up, and to take care of him until the owners returned from their vacation in Florida in a day or two. When she was done cleaning and dressing Shade’s wounds, she left.
A few minutes later a butler brought in some food for him. As he ate the meal, the butler opened the large armoire searching for some clothes for Shade to wear. The butler presented him with a red, short sleeve shirt, a pair of black cargo pants, and a red jacket with six cargo pockets. To his surprise the jacket had a large black “S” on the back one small “S” on the top left pocket. Before he could inquire where the clothes came from, the butler left with the empty dishes, leaving him alone to change into the clothes. When Shade finished dressing he gazed about the room and noted the bed on his left was made of metal and had a king size mattress on it. Next to it was a nightstand that held all his personal belongings, his wallet, his keys and his half of his family crest, which he gathered and placed in his new pants pocket. A few feet to his right was a metal entrance door leading to the hallway. It appeared that the entire room was made of either: metal, fabric, or glass. He looked across the room and saw a desk that had a metallic frame with a frosted glass top. On top of it were a note and a small wooden box with its top open.
He walked over to the desk and he looked inside the box and to his surprise he saw that it held the missing half of his family’s crest. Shade quickly grabbed the half of the crest and took the other half out of his pocket. When he placed the crests together the ruby in his part and the sapphire in the other part, started to glow. The whole crest resembled a bird like the phoenix in a circle of fire as the gems represented the eyes. After the union of the crest he hesitated for a moment and then set the crest in his pocket. He then reached over and picked up the note and read it.
It read:

Dear Shade,
I guess you are wondering who I am to know your name, am I not correct?
I wasn’t sure at first who you where until I looked at both the crest and your I.D.
it seems that I am your cousin, 5th to be exact. Your father had told my father that
if anything happened to him to take care of the piece that he gave my father to
keep safe till you came to find it, or until we found you and give it to you when
you where ready to learn of his past. We will be back by Saturday from
Florida. Until then the servants have been instructed to take care of you.
See you then, your cousin,

Samantha Volkov.

Chapter 2 – Experimentation

After setting down the note, Shade walked over to the bed and sat down to think of what this note had meant. A couple minutes later the butler returned and said “Sir, will you please follow me? There is something I need to show you.”
“Okay” Shade replied still in somewhat of a daze. Shade then stood up and walked to the door. The hall way was a pale white wall with nothing on it.
“Will you sir, please close the door behind you.” The butler stated.
Shade saying nothing turned to close the door. When he was done closing the door, he found the butler was half way down the hall, almost to the stairs. Shade had to run to catch up to him, when he did they were both at the stairs, to the main level. The butler then took Shade down the stairs and to another set, which led to a basement. In the basement was a vaulted room that was said to hold the key to Shade’s future and his father’s secret past.
“All you have to do to open the door is to place your crest in the key hole and twist. I will leave you alone for now, as you try to open the door, if you want me too?” the butler asked.
“You can go ahead and leave. I’ll come up stairs when I’m done.” Shade answered not knowing what was inside.
“Okay if you need me I’ll be in the kitchen, by the way you may call me Peter,” said the butler as he went up stairs to the kitchen.
Shade then pulled out of his pocket the crest. Flipped it twice in his hand as he thought of opening the door to his father’s past. He thought...”For goodness sake I don’t even remember my father’s name, so why should I care what is behind this vaulted door.” But curiosity got the better of him and he set the crest in the lock and stepped back to see if anything would happen.







now i'm stuck as to where to go from here...

Shade_Wing's Senpai

Timid Regular

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so can anyone help me?
What were you originally thinking for Shade to see? Or you didn't think that far? O.o

If I were you, I'd most likely make him open the door to walk into a room filled with family heirlooms. From the walls to the ground, possessions of the family stood, the crest visible on the corner of each.

Quote:
“All you have to do to open the door is to place your crest in the key hole and twist. I will leave you alone for now, as you try to open the door, if you want me too?”


That doesn't make sense to me. Re-structure it?

I like your story and I hope I helped. 3nodding Best wishes!

P.S. Word of advice that you might ignore, I don't think you should go through his childhood so quickly. It should be more detailed and you should add more emotion so the reader can get more comfortable with the characters.
What she said above me. I got nothing else to add really... well okay I do.

You have a little redundancy issue, like in your signature, he says surrounds mel... in me. It sound bad and just looks lazy. An important thing in writing is realizing when you are using the same word over and over and over and over and over and over again. It gets annoying to the reader and makes it sound less professional/dumb. Also I think the name Shade is not a very good. It's a little overused anymore. Well, that's all.

Oh, wait, no it's not, wrong forum, there is an original story forum, which is what this is, an original story.

Shade_Wing's Senpai

Timid Regular

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thanks, this is the first story that i have ever fully writen past chapter one, so please sugest some changes.

Shade_Wing's Senpai

Timid Regular

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Dose any one else have any sugestions?
Read it last night and just thought of something: Instead of telling the reader that Shade saw his brother die, maybe have him reminisce about it. Also, watch your to, too, and twos. smile

Quote:
“All you have to do to open the door is to place your crest in the key hole and twist. I will leave you alone for now, as you try to open the door, if you want me too?” the butler asked.


The "too" at the end should be "to".

To - I'm going to the park.
Too - I'm going to the park too.
Two - I have two chickens.
All I can say for editing is some rewording and punctuation, but as for the story... that's a true challenge.

Shade_Wing's Senpai

Timid Regular

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at this time i am transposing this from 3rd to first person, its a pain in a half.

Shade_Wing's Senpai

Timid Regular

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this is what i have transposed so far:

Prelude –/ History

Shade and his twin brother, Yuri Kinneve, were born on a mild December day in southern San Francisco, California. Coincidentally during a statewide power outage. Shade had earned the nickname Black Rose from a birthmark located between his shoulders on his upper back area because it was pigmented black and resembled a closed rose bloom, and the fact that he was always given one on his birth days from someone unknown no matter where he was, for simpler reasons they called him Black. Also for unknown reasons his father disappeared when he was five years old, the police and FBI searched for several months before giving up due to the lack of leads. His mother kicked him and his brother, Yuri, out on the streets at the age of eleven, three days short of their twelfth birthday, due to blowing up the entire block they lived on, while playing around with fertilizer chemicals, amazingly there was no one in the area when it happened, some how both of them survived with out a scratch. Yuri’s talents for making explosives at the age of twelve were so surprising that they were being sought after by a terrorist group, named The Light, who tried to convince him to join their side, but because they couldn’t, they killed Yuri in a suicide attack on an embassy to cover up any loose ends, somewhere in California. Shade, was held by the terrorists at gunpoint to witness his brother’s death by a live feed, and then let escaped as they watched the flames grow and chaos consume the people around the site. The day Yuri was killed; it was their 13th birthday as well. This is Shade’s story.

Chapter 1 - The beginning

It’s been three days since I started running and hiding but they seem not to be following me, why do I have the feeling, it’s drawing me to some place but where? I’m so tired. Man am I hungry, I guess that pineapple wasn’t ripe enough. Wahh!! Ouch!! I must be more tired than I thought to collapse like this in an alley. What did I fall on? My side hurts too much to care but I must look. What is this jewel? It seems to glow brighter the longer I hold it. Ahh ahh ahh!!! It burns and I can’t get it off my hand. What’s happening to me? Ugh…
i think if you spend more time in the beginning to fully explain some things, it would catch the reader's attention more. Besides the grammar issues, which you already know about, it's pretty good. The only thing i really have an issue with is that the story is progressing a bit fast. You should spend a bit more time explaining all the things that are happening or you'll get confused readers.

Spend more time showing us who the protagonist is, let us get to know the character so we have more of a connection to them and will stick to the story more often than we would if you just jump right into things and try to explain later.

Right, i'll stop bugging you now. I like it though! As to what should happen next, i'd need to get the gist of what the story's supposed to be about. I'd think it'd be tons of family heirlooms and gold, like people above me suggested.

Oh! And thanks for reading my story too! blaugh

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