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Good 0.25 25.0% [ 1 ]
Good, but could be better 0 0.0% [ 0 ]
Good idea, needs serious improvement 0.5 50.0% [ 2 ]
Bad 0.25 25.0% [ 1 ]
Total Votes:[ 4 ]
1

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Index:
Post 1: Index and Author's Notes
Post 2: Chapter 1
Post 3: Chapter 2


Author's Notes:

This is the first story I wrote in the present tense and while I think it works, it doesn't mean it was easy for me.

It's also my first mecha story. It's quite heavily inspired by Super Robot animes, but my protagonist is not the usual crazy hot-blooded piloted (though there is a crazy hot-blooded pilot and he does have an important role).

Feedback is welcome and appreciated.

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A Fine Mess


Chapter 1

Her vision overlaps, for the lack of a better description. She sees the screen and the cockpit, but she also sees through the cameras as if they were her own eyes. Oddly enough it does not hamper her as a pilot. Only in the beginning does she hesitate, but the moment passes and she begins the test.

MX 00 moves smoothly, as if it were a human being. Its run is not as jerky and jarring as that of her father's earlier robots. Balance had always been a problem for two-legged machines, but this does not seem to affect MX.

Not a splash of paint lands on its armour: she evades the shots with ease. Unfortunately, her aim could be better as well. She feels almost as if MX were rejecting the gun. Her lips curling in annoyance, she opens the channel to the control center and speaks:

"The aim is off."

Her father responds after a moment, no doubt having taken the time to take at least one sip of his favourite soda: "Switch to melee phase."

"Roger that."

She lets MX jump forward and it covers the distance between them and the spider tank surprisingly quickly, almost as if it were eager to meet the opponent face to face. The drone is completely crushed by the landing and she certainly hadn't wanted to do that. She intended to land in front of it and then attack. Instead, not only did she miscalculate, she also let MX stumble and fall down. The result is predictable.

"Akari, we're ending the test," her father announces. "Power the machine down."


***



Jin Akari is dissatisfied with her own performance. MX 00 is a brilliantly constructed robot. She should have been able to pilot it without making stupid mistakes. If it wasn't such a ridiculous assumption, she would have said the machine does not agree with her on how it is to be piloted.

She explains what she observed to her father and is quite proud of how calm and collected she is. Even if she failed, she won't make a spectacle out of herself. She is a professional pilot, after all.

"So, what exactly was wrong with the aim?" her father asks, his brow knotted in a frown so similar to her own.

"It was shaky," she explains, "and jerky. As if MX didn't like what I was doing--I know it sounds silly."

Her father smiles at her encouragingly and she continues.

"The boost was much stronger than I expected too."

What other observations she had remained unsaid. The sound of breaking glass interrupts her. She reacts instinctively, grabbing her father and pushing him down to the floor. She falls on him, a shot almost grazing her arm.

She rolls to the side and kicks the nearest object—a chair—at the attacking group. Their armour is fairly thick and protects them from impact, but the one hit does stumble nevertheless. It is his downfall. Literally. He loses his balance and falls through the smashed window.

The resultant moment of confusion gives her the opportunity to pull out her side arm. It is a mere laser pistol, but its enough to deal with armoured bug troopers. Their armour protects from impact, not heat.

She aims for the visors covering their faces. Their anatomy is different from that of a human and while a hit to the chest might kill them, she's not about to risk that she will merely slow them down instead of killing or incapacitating.

Another falls, but she is fairly certain that she won't be getting out alive. She can only hope, she will buy her father enough time to escape.

There is a thump as a soda can collides with the head of the right-most commando. He takes a step back and makes a chittering sound. This seems to distract the others as they try to get away from the can. Do they think it's a weapon? Whatever the case may be, Akari uses their distraction and gets further two. Her third shot misses, but this proves inconsequential.

A giant hand reaches inside and grabs the enemy. It withdraws nearly instantly and Akari sees what had rescued them. It's MX 00: a smooth wraith-like silhouette, watching them with glowing blue eyes.


***



"Uh… Sorry?"

Her father goggles at the young man, who had piloted MX during the attack. He is not the second test pilot. In fact, he is not a pilot at all and not even military. According to his own explanation, he is Watanabe Arashi, a delivery boy, working for the local Italian restaurant.

By pure chance, he had been around when the attack started. His delivery lost, he had been pushed by one of the soldiers into the nearest building and that was the hangar that housed MX 00. Arashi got himself into the machine partially out of curiosity and partially because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Then came the part which made her father goggle: MX powered itself up. Arashi wanted to get out of the hangar and get out he did. By teleporting. How he did it was a mystery. While it was true that FTL travel was described as teleporting by some, the drive that allowed space ships to move instantly between planets was far too large to install in a machine like MX 00.

Even if her father would have managed to scale down the drive, the energy produced by the robot moving, not to mention the machine itself would have ripped the hangar to shreds. That had not happened. The building was slightly dented, but only because a spider tank stumbled against its door.

"Was it a secret or somethin'?" Arashi inquires, sounding genuinely worried.

"Teleportation is physically impossible," Akari explains in lieu of her father, who is still busy staring at the delivery boy, "and subspace travel is still highly theoretical."

"So… I did the impossible?" Arashi asks, awe creeping into his voice. "Sweet."

"That is certainly a part of it," Akari's father finally joins the conversation. "Tell me young man, have you ever considered the career of a pilot?"

"Only of a tour guide, sir," Arashi replies.

Akari can do nothing else, but sigh. She has a feeling this will turn into a fine mess and that she will be involved.

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Chapter 2

Watanabe Arashi has no problems making MX 00 do what he wants it to do. The machine does not jump further then he wants it to and neither does he have any trouble with aiming. Jin Akari finds it odd and a bit upsetting. The boy is not some prodigy: in a simulation, he performs just like any civilian would. But put him inside MX 00 and, suddenly, he’s an ace.

Still, it does not mean there are no problems with his training. The words tactics, caution and following orders are apparently foreign to him. The word fight seems to be a synonym to charge blindly and keep hitting stuff until it falls over. The most frustrating part, however, is that it works.

Of course, Arashi has not been deployed into real combat, but he is piloting MX 00 during tests and that is when he gets to shine. Admittedly, Akari gets some recognition for it, since she is training him, but that doesn’t make her feel any less embarrassed about the young man. He’s asking to get himself into trouble and only sheer dumb luck is keeping him safe. When it runs out…

“Which part of a gun is not a club is so hard to grasp?” Akari asks exasperated. “You weren’t out of energy; you didn’t have to get so close. You could have shot!”

“Uh...” Arashi scratches the back of his head, giving her an embarrassed smile. “That was the obvious thing to do?”

Akari shakes her head, adapting a firm tone. “That’s because it’s the most effective thing to do.”

Arashi gives her a confused look and she is reminded that all his knowledge about combat probably come from television, which is not a realistic source of such information. He has an excuse for thinking he discovered a brilliant tactic, when in reality he has been dangerously reckless. However, this does not mean she should leave the matter as it is.

“A gun is made for shooting, not hitting things,” she says. “Hitting things with a gun is usually a desperate action, because you can end up damaging it, if you use it that way.”

“Or fire a few more rounds while pummeling the enemy,” Arashi cheerfully counters.

Akari presses her hand against her face and mumbles: “Why did you have to be crazy?”

***


Half an hour later, Akari is in her father’s office, sitting in a chair and holding a can of soda. She is not a fan of her father’s caliber, but she does enjoy sugary drinks. Her eyes travel lazily from the single picture that adorns the wall left to her to one of the diplomas that surround it.

“So, you’re saying he’s doing things he shouldn’t be?” her father asks, looking up from the report she has delivered to him.

Akari nods.

“Well, this is interesting,” her father says thoughtfully. “I expected some anomalies, but I hadn’t predicted they may occur when a specific person is piloting.”

She sucks in her breath sharply and gives her father an angry look. “And you didn’t tell me that?”
He jerks back, raising his hand in placatory gesture, she recognizes as a sign he is sincerely sorry. It seems to be one of those pesky little things that her father finds inconsequential but turn out to actually be quite important. “I didn’t think anything bad would happen and I wasn’t sure.”

“Is there something I need to know about MX 00?” Akari asks her tone growing weary. “It’s not powered by the hearts of pure maidens, is it?”

“You need to something about your sense of humour,” her father sighs, but his smiles fondly at her. He grows serious as he adds: “But you don’t have to worry about anything. Remember your mother’s latest excavations? I’ve merely re-used that odd sphere she had found.”

Akari is speechless. She has so many questions, the chief one being: “Are you out of your mind?” Her father doesn’t even know what purpose did the mysterious sphere serve and yet he went and used it. It could have been anything!

“Akari? Sweetie?” her father asks, worry creeping into his voice. “You really don’t have to worry about it. I checked: the sphere isn’t dangerous. You didn’t think I just went ‘Ooh! Shiny!’ and threw it inside, did you?”

Akari feels her cheeks redden and realizes with a sinking feeling that she must be blushing. It’s rather ridiculous: she is embarrassed over being embarrassed. Not only did she think her father would that careless, she is also showing her emotions.

“I’m sorry dad,” she says, smiling at him. “I should have more faith in you.”

***


“I’ve got them all!” Arashi growls. “Why are you complaining?”

She supposes this was to be expected. Arashi has no formal training, other than what she taught him during the last two weeks and yet he pilots MX 00 flawlessly. It is only natural that he resents any short-comings pointed out to him. On the one hand, his success is feeling him with confidence, but on the other, he knows he is merely an amateur and so he uses his successes as a shield from criticism.

“Because you’re taking unnecessary risks,” Akari replies, doing her best to sound even and calm. Despite her intentions, there is a slight change in her tone that indicates she is annoyed.

With some dismay, she notices Arashi’s expression harden. He must have heard and that means he is probably not happy. If her guess is right he is probably feeling insecure right now and will be less likely to accept the criticism that she needs to dish out.

“How can you tell?” the young man growls. “You can’t even get him to move properly!”

One does not question Jin Akari’s competence without facing the consequences. Up until that moment she has been trying to avoid confrontation, but now she sees no other choice then to protect her honour and show the arrogant little twerp, who is the real pro here.

“You’ve got a day to rest and prepare,” she states, her tone icy. “Tomorrow, I’ll kick your a** so hard your grandchildren won’t be able to sit on chairs.”

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Fell off the first page.

Still waiting for comments/feedback/criticism.

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Fell off the first page.

One person voted it needs serious improvement. Um, next time anybody does that, could you please leave a comment? I can't improve, if I don't know what I need to improve.
The story certainly has action and plot, but there are some things amiss for me. Not necessarily a mistake, "but this does not seem to affect MX" should have the word this replaced with another word. That criticism originates from my rigid application of Diana Heckler's Rules for Writers, my writing Bible, but there really is logic in the general rule that, if you're going to use a pronoun such as this or that, you would be better off using a more descriptive word, such as, "but the setback does not seem to affect MX." One thing that contravenes your usage of tense was, "She feels almost as if MX were rejecting the gun." You switch tenses during your sentence, and doing so may seem like an inconsistency, which may sidetrack the reader, even though the sentence is probably a mere mistake.

Another thing is, "Her lips curling in annoyance, she opens the channel to the control center and speaks: "The aim is off."" Although there is no specific address for this issue, I know that, when I'm writing an essay at least, I don't use such a format of quotation, unless the quote is truly long, as in four or more lines; therefore, my preference would be for a direct quotation for such a short quote. Other than that, begin to think of syntax and loose and periodic sentences to capture your meaning. Since your story is largely directed to the anime audience, think about how well you'll be able to reach that audience, or whether you want to concentrate on the artistic or structuralist aspect of your work. Good job!

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Madame_Rockerfeller
The story certainly has action and plot, but there are some things amiss for me. Not necessarily a mistake, "but this does not seem to affect MX" should have the word this replaced with another word. That criticism originates from my rigid application of Diana Heckler's Rules for Writers, my writing Bible, but there really is logic in the general rule that, if you're going to use a pronoun such as this or that, you would be better off using a more descriptive word, such as, "but the setback does not seem to affect MX." One thing that contravenes your usage of tense was, "She feels almost as if MX were rejecting the gun." You switch tenses during your sentence, and doing so may seem like an inconsistency, which may sidetrack the reader, even though the sentence is probably a mere mistake.

Another thing is, "Her lips curling in annoyance, she opens the channel to the control center and speaks: "The aim is off."" Although there is no specific address for this issue, I know that, when I'm writing an essay at least, I don't use such a format of quotation, unless the quote is truly long, as in four or more lines; therefore, my preference would be for a direct quotation for such a short quote. Other than that, begin to think of syntax and loose and periodic sentences to capture your meaning. Since your story is largely directed to the anime audience, think about how well you'll be able to reach that audience, or whether you want to concentrate on the artistic or structuralist aspect of your work. Good job!


Thanks. I'll remember about "this" and "that" usage.

Writing in present tense is kinda hard for me, I'm more used to using past tenses in stories. I'll have to be more careful in the future.

While "The aim is off" is a short quotation, I think it should stay as direct speech. It's an introduction to a short dialogue and it would look somewhat strange if I chose to use your advice and then continued with the dialogue.

Thanks for your advice. smile You gave me something I can think about.

Gekko

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It's not...horrible, really, but way too vague.
It's like you have this great vision in your head but you're not explaining it in terms that really make logical, concise sense to the reader. I have no idea where the setting is, any form of plot is incredibly vague, the characters are very two-dimensional, and the dialogue is incredibly non-linear.

Setting. Where does this take place? Generic Asian names may infer something, but not enough to put a clear picture in a reader's head. Yes, while a reader should use some imagination and lengthy, wordy descriptions of an environment comes off as boring and a failed attempt at producing inner-eye candy, the setting should still be set clearly, and if it's ambiguous then at least with some artistic style.

Characters. Okay, so we have some (once again, generically Asian) names and some physical description but that's it. Just the relationship between the characters being stated as "father" isn't enough. Try to build a character within the first chapter. While, yeah, summing up the character is incredibly blaaah, utilize descriptions and what the character says, besides exposition, as a device to hook readers in. The plot does drive prose but, honestly, a great story isn't complete without interesting and endearing characters.
Example: Akari. We know nothing besides her being a female with a father and a tendency to blush. Oh, and she has some mechanic smarts. Great, but why should I care to read more about this character? I don't really have a reason to.

Dialogue. It comes off as strained and takes off from the narration. While some novels are littered with talking and talking, the very best are not. Try to describe what's going on through your own words, not the characters rambling about something the reader still doesn't care about. This isn't a Shakespeare play -- the characters don't need to give exposition every other line.

Honestly, it sounds like you're trying to write a mecha anime. The difference between animation and prose is as stark as a Hollywood films and novels. Visually, all bases are covered in an anime. All that's left is the dialogue. Not so with prose. You have to provide descriptions that will help put a vision in the reader's mind.

Does this take place in Japan? Do you know more about Japan than what you've watched in mecha? Just as we can't assume all reality TV in America captures the truth of American culture, neither can we assume that Japanese anime is realistic. Do your research. Don't come off as a Japanese obsessed otaku who's never even been to Japan or, worse, read an actual book (besides manga and light-novels, or blogs!) about the country. This goes back to setting; your story doesn't say where it's taking place. It's like you expect us to assume that it's possibly in Asia, somewhere, because of the names. Yeah, no. Don't do that.

As you are Polish(profile stalked)
If you're going to have it take place in Japan, DON'T:
Use anime stock characters. ( "oh so moe!" )
Use typical Japanese catch phrases, especially if romanticized incorrectly.
(and, if so, use italics and only if it's appropriate)
Make Japan THE BEST COUNTRY EVAAAH
because while it's efficient and brilliant, it's also incredibly homogeneous.
This contributes to partly why anime portray the Japanese culture as romantic;
anime characters are weird and different, something the Japanese people crave but cannot have because of the emphasis of sameness that they are pressured under. Japan is inertly racist, sexist, hair color-ist (schools force blondes and red-heads to dye their hair darker,) perverted (child pornography is allowed because it's "free art expression" ), incestuous (taboo, yes, but there's a history of it because of the influx of non-Japense immigrants...it can be more taboo to marry a Chinese man than your first cousin!), etc,etc,etc..
SOOO basically there's a lot of interesting social controversy that could be included in the plot.


Unless your intended audience is hardcore mecha otakus...any of that, and more, will come off as immature and weird. Heck, if you do it badly enough even total wannabe-Japanese freaks will be annoyed. I'm not saying you've done it yet, but I can see it developing into what comes off as an anime translation, which isn't real prose. I've seen this happen tons of times and it ticks me off beyond belief. Japanese anime belongs in anime created by, you know, actual Japanese people who truly get their culture and the puns they can make of it (take a Japanese linguistic, not language, class and suddenly anime jokes make sense...)

Why am I rambling about this? Why am I only pointing out the negatives?
Because I see talent in your writing and want it to develop into your own style.
I see, also, the potential of trying to be something you can't; mecha anime.
Make it your own!
Originality is a necessity -- copying a generic formula is too blah.
You have great ideas and concepts but they just need to be developed more.

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Thank you for the critique. Um... I don't want to come out rude, but could you please use a bigger font? I've got poor eye-sight and reading tiny font is a pretty big strain for me. sweatdrop

I'll have to re-write it I guess. It didn't really occur to me that people would care about where exactly this happens. I don't really care about things like that when reading, so I guess I made a bit of a jump there.

Okay. I admit, I was trying to write a Super Robot story and make it more military fictionish then the anime usually is. (And I feel kinda insulted that you assume I would use fan Japanese. If I were the type of writer who does that I'd have already gone "kawaii~ desu!" wink So, I guess I should concentrate more on the military fiction aspect?

Gekko

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You don't need to rewrite the entire thing, of course. Just add some stuff. Like more detail and the like. Maybe not Lord of the Rings style (please not) but think em...Artemis Fowl (the first book, mind you) which includes tons and tons of creative descriptions.

Em, sorry for ranting and coming off as offensive.
I just read a friend's massive transcript which was...horribly...horribly full of "KAIWAII DESU" crap and "MOE MOE" things, and it was based off an anime-styled genre and was loaded with bland dialogue (unlike yours, terribly written.) And this friend lives in Oregon, USA. Siiigh. It was a pain, and I couldn't say as much as I'd like since she's, you know, a good friend SOOO a lot of that rant came out because it.

You're not coming off as an obsessive Japanese fan, actually, at the moment. I apologize for not making that clear! But many who write intelligibly and, well, honorably of a typical anime genre do tend to steer towards that direction as the chapters go on, eventually deteriorating as they can't help but express their undying love for the country's animation subculture. (I'm not saying you're likely to but even the most unlikely still do it!)

BUT that was a warning to not let that happen because you're TOO GOOD FOR IT. xD
And I tend to go on and on and on
so yeah.

KEEP WRITING and don't take (mostly unpaidl) editors like me too seriously. o-o
We're often repressing negative feelings towards others and will lash out at you for no reason.
Siiigh.
(hence why I do not plan on becoming a fully-paid professional editor..)

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flauterfli
You don't need to rewrite the entire thing, of course. Just add some stuff. Like more detail and the like. Maybe not Lord of the Rings style (please not) but think em...Artemis Fowl (the first book, mind you) which includes tons and tons of creative descriptions.

Em, sorry for ranting and coming off as offensive.
I just read a friend's massive transcript which was...horribly...horribly full of "KAIWAII DESU" crap and "MOE MOE" things, and it was based off an anime-styled genre and was loaded with bland dialogue (unlike yours, terribly written.) And this friend lives in Oregon, USA. Siiigh. It was a pain, and I couldn't say as much as I'd like since she's, you know, a good friend SOOO a lot of that rant came out because it.

You're not coming off as an obsessive Japanese fan, actually, at the moment. I apologize for not making that clear! But many who write intelligibly and, well, honorably of a typical anime genre do tend to steer towards that direction as the chapters go on, eventually deteriorating as they can't help but express their undying love for the country's animation subculture. (I'm not saying you're likely to but even the most unlikely still do it!)

BUT that was a warning to not let that happen because you're TOO GOOD FOR IT. xD
And I tend to go on and on and on
so yeah.

KEEP WRITING and don't take (mostly unpaidl) editors like me too seriously. o-o
We're often repressing negative feelings towards others and will lash out at you for no reason.
Siiigh.
(hence why I do not plan on becoming a fully-paid professional editor..)


Lord of the Rings bored me to death, because of the descriptions. There's descriptivness and there is Tolkien. I hadn't read Artemis Fowl, but I think I guess what you mean.

"Kawaii desu~" is one of my pet peeves, hence why I mentioned that. If the people are speaking a different language then that of the narration, then I assume what I read is a translation and in translation, you don't leave bits of the original language lying about. If it's a non-native speaker talking with a native speaker... they still wouldn't talk that way. <insert long rant on language learning>

I think I know what you mean when you're talking about when it comes to writing Japan-inspired stuff. A. I should do my research. B. I should avoid making it seem like Japan is the most awesome country in the world, which it isn't. Anime itself has a lot of elements that show how mysognistic and conformist Japanese society is. I could probably start going on about the treatment of female characters in Naruto or Bleach, but that would be veering waaay off topic.

So, what I'm trying to say is, you made several good points. I do need to be remainded that I have to describe stuff and that not everything that is obvious to me is obvious to the reader.

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