Still an improbable love poem (Update: Edit 4)

Another meaningless poll meant to trick the unsuspecting into clicking on your post? Surely not!

Of course not. This one's clearly sincere.	50.0%	[ 13 ]
Ha! You've underestimated my nefariousness once more!	50.0%	[ 13 ]
Total Votes:			[ 26 ]

[fuitilium]

Love Song

Your memory is so like your hair--
flyaway,
shining soft and tangled,
unraveling in bright streamers.

We are already late, but
you were too caught in the quince to shower.
“Swift as arrow from a dealie's bow,”
you promise,
your heels already flashing out the door,
one curl, one bell of laughter trailing behind.

“Go-- just go!”

And may you never rightly quote the bard.



I don't do many of these, so I submit this with some trepidation. Have at me, op/l!

[Hallow16]

Hmmm... It's good, but there's something off about it that I can't put my finger on. I would give you some good critique, but I can't figure out what it is exactly that is off about it...

Anyways, I like the general idea, keep writing good poetry ^.^

Thank you,
Hallow

[puzzler27]

hallow said (which is a little creepy) it is good interesting but good

[fuitilium]

Up!

[Lydia Blue]

Very interesting
Nice though...
I love poems like that.

[fuitilium]

Thanks! Any further critique, anyone?

[fuitilium]

Up!

[d e s d e m o n o]

fuitilium

Love Song

Your memory is so like your hair--
flyaway,
shining This might be intentional, but, comma? Or just a little creative license in using adjective(s) instead of adverbs? I do like 'soft and tangled' lots, though. soft and tangled,
unraveling in bright streamers. I kind of want streamers to be replaced with a prettier word (SUBJECTIVE? WHO ME?); threads, say, or tresses.

We are already late, but
you were too caught in the quince to shower. As in the flower or the food? xd I wish this line were more specific - I like 'caught', but the ambiguity doesn't love me. D:
“Swift as arrow from a dealie's bow,” heart
you promise,
your heels already flashing out the door,
one curl, one bell of laughter trailing behind. heart

“Go-- just go!”

And may you never rightly quote the bard. heart heart heart xd

I don't do many of these, so I submit this with some trepidation. Have at me, op/l!

I LUFF IT. I realize you may have gathered this from the, you know, excess of hearts, but even so.

[fuitilium]

d e s d e m o n o

Your memory is so like your hair--
flyaway,
shining This might be intentional, but, comma? Or just a little creative license in using adjective(s) instead of adverbs? I do like 'soft and tangled' lots, though.

I'm laughing here because I spent a Wilde-esque half-hour putting in and taking out that comma. When the comma is in, this line sounds stilted to me, like a list on the back of a shampoo bottle. So I take it out. The absence of the comma then niggles at me until I put it back. I'm still wavering back and forth about it. How much did the missing comma bother you? I need other opinions on this!

Quote:

soft and tangled,
unraveling in bright streamers. I kind of want streamers to be replaced with a prettier word (SUBJECTIVE? WHO ME?); threads, say, or tresses.

Yeah, this line is not as good on paper as it was in my head. I rather like 'threads', I'll keep mulling this one over.

Quote:

We are already late, but
you were too caught in the quince to shower. As in the flower or the food? xd I wish this line were more specific - I like 'caught', but the ambiguity doesn't love me. D:

Yikes, that didn't even occur to me! There is flowering quince just outside, see, and I didn't even think about the food. Hm. Forsythia has more syllables than I want just there. Plum trees are beautiful but have the same problem as quince. Gorse, maybe? I'll give it some thought.

Quote:

I LUFF IT. I realize you may have gathered this from the, you know, excess of hearts, but even so.

Thank you, thank you for the critique! (And for liking it sweatdrop ) I wish 'glee' were a verb so that I could glee right now.

[fizznomore]

fuitilium

I'm laughing here because I spent a Wilde-esque half-hour putting in and taking out that comma.

heart

Yes, I knew I was right in choosing you.

[fizznomore]

fuitilium

Love Song

Your memory is so like your hair-- I think I'd prefer a colon here.
flyaway,
shining soft and tangled, I see what you mean about that problem comma. Looks weird in, feels odd out! I think I'd leave it out.
unraveling in bright streamers.

We are already late, but
you were too caught in the quince to shower. 'caught / quince' sounds great, but this confuses me a little, because I was thinking of the food. '...caught in the quince tree/bush', perhaps? Still, literally caught, or caught staring at it's beauty?
“Swift as arrow from a dealie's bow,” What is a dealie? I understand that it's a purposeful mistranslation, but don't quite get the dealie. xp
you promise,
your heels already flashing out the door,
one curl, one bell of laughter trailing behind.

“Go--just go!”

And may you never rightly quote the bard. heart

Nifty!

[fuitilium]

Behold, an edit! Better? Worse? Hopeless?

fuitilium

Love Song

Your memory is so like your hair--
flyaway,
shining soft and tangled,
unraveling in bright threads

We are already late, but
you were too rapt in the redbud plum tree to shower.
“Swift as arrow from a Turkish bow,”
you promise,
your heels already flashing out the door,
one curl, one bell of laughter trailing behind.

“Go-- just go!”

And may you never rightly quote the bard.

The line about being late because of the tree is longer than originally intended. Is it okay? Is the ambiguity gone? I changed 'caught' to 'rapt' because 1) it sounds better ith 'redbud' and 2) it sounds like 'wrapped' and so is obliquely like 'caught', but is more definitely cerebral than physical.

The line misquoted here from A Midsummer Night's Dream-- "I go, I go! See how I go / Swift as an arrow from a Tartar's bow!"-- is spoken by Puck, which is an association I wanted with the subject of the poem, but is it too obscure?

Feedback me, forum!

[d e s d e m o n o]

Quote:

you were too rapt in the redbud plum tree to shower.

This line still bothers me. D: Uhm. Perhaps 'enthralled by'? It doesn't sound as good in someways, but it makes more sense to me, somehow.

Also: HAHAHA your Wilde-esque hour of torment is my thirty seconds of glee.

[fuitilium]

d e s d e m o n o

This line still bothers me. D: Uhm. Perhaps 'enthralled by'? It doesn't sound as good in someways, but it makes more sense to me, somehow.

Gaaah! I cannot get this line right! 'Distracted by?' Grrr. I'll keep wrestling with this.

Quote:

Also: HAHAHA your Wilde-esque hour of torment is my thirty seconds of glee.

Then it was not in vain.

*gleefully takes the high ground*

[d e s d e m o n o]

"too caught by the sight of the plum tree in bloom"? But that's clunky. Hi, I'm here to not help at all.