so I just rewatched Apocalypse Now

[Urine Pot the Hero]

We rode the snake to the ancient lake;
his skin was cold and he was old,
too old to realize
that what slid past weren't paddies -
weren't hootches or villages or
the shed skins of his ancestors:

we saw his scales dissolve away,
saw the poison pools of his brood's
silent raucous desperation
turn his scutes transparent,
and the patterns beneath blew our minds.

Still, we put our jackboots on before dawn
and we fought and we prayed and we prayed and we prayed;
still, the faces of the miscellaneous old divines
in the ancient gallery (all dressed up in travesties)
looked down on us with voluptuous contempt.

[Urine Pot the Hero]

(c&c = meet me at the back of the blue bus)

[Aqua Melody]

I'm at the back of the bus. Let's do this smile

I've never seen Apocalypse Now, so I'm just going off what I see here in your poem. It has an interesting theme and imagery (the riding of the snake), but the rhymes in the beginning actually mess with the rhythm. They're used so simply that it's jarring and appears juvenile. "His skin was cold and he was old" is too basic; this is an interesting poem so give it a more interesting delivery. Thankfully, it doesn't continue in the latter part of your poem, but then you have to wonder why it was even in the poem to begin with.

To further the contrast between the first few lines and the rest of the poem, there is the peculiar word choice. I know you were probably trying to make the desperation more intriguing by saying that it was both "silent" and "raucous", but without further elaboration it's just saying words and hoping someone happens to get the meaning behind it, rather than effectively communicating. These words have no significance to the reader (unless it's a movie thing?). As the writer you should write. Expand, let us know what you mean more clearly.

Other words that stood out were "hooches", as it is more often associated with meanings that aren't relevant to your poem, simply saying dwellings or homes or something else might work better; "brood's", I just don't understand its use there; and "scutes", I didn't know it before, but it's a good word, some description would help elevate its use.

I also wish you went into further detail on the mind blowing. You can't just say "the patterns beneath blew our minds" and leave me hanging! I need to know! Speak fractals to me baby. Whisper geometrics in my ear. I need my mind blown too.

I've probably written a lot, so I'm going to end with the fact that I really liked the idea and I hope you keep writing!

[Old Man Maj]

Urine Pot the Hero

We rode the snake to the ancient lake;
his skin was cold and he was old,
too old to realize
that what slid past weren't paddies -
weren't hootches or villages or
the shed skins of his ancestors:

we saw his scales dissolve away,
saw the poison pools of his brood's
silent raucous desperation
turn his scutes transparent,
and the patterns beneath blew our minds.

Still, we put our jackboots on before dawn
and we fought and we prayed and we prayed and we prayed;
still, the faces of the miscellaneous old divines
in the ancient gallery (all dressed up in travesties)
looked down on us with voluptuous contempt.

I'm not sure about the internal rhymes in the first stanza. With all due respect to Jim. I'm not totally opposed to it, but it seems at odds with the language of the rest of the piece. I don't know which is the what of that. In terms of word choice altogether, the poem slips into a higher diction later and drops again and then raises itself again, and I'm open to the notion that such a thing might be purposeful, but I'm not seeing it right now.

I wonder: If all those things that "slip past" aren't what they appear, then what are they? That they're merely the hallucinations of the moment is my first thought, given the goings-on of the snake-riding, but the reality of the passing features could be quite illuminating.

That "silent raucous desperation" lines isn't doing it for me. Also, the diction really jumps to its highest, here, before immediately turning more simplistic with the patterns' blowing of minds. Which seems an idea worth exploring further, by the by.

The repetition of the "prayed" seems like a weaker fill-in for delving into imagery with that, perhaps.

The closing of the poem takes a turn about which I'm unsure. The ultimate stanza begins moving toward the personal or immediate for the speaker, which feels right to me, but then it turns away from the specific in favor of a more abstract line I'm not sure I entirely follow. I can place some Viet Nam era meaning to it, but I'm unsure I'd do so so easily without the mention of the film in the thread title. Well, probably would, I think, but still. At any rate, it feels as though it clouds rather than further informs, and I'm just generally left feeling denied, throughout the entirety of the piece, that plunge to a connection between the motif and the humanity behind the poem.

Good stuff. Thanks for sharing.

[Power Armor Felix]

Urine Pot the Hero

still, the faces of the miscellaneous old divines
in the ancient gallery (all dressed up in travesties)
looked down on us with voluptuous contempt.

Can you be so sure that these divinities are miscellaneous if their contempt is indeed voluptuous? And what kind of travesties are these dressed with, are they merely signs of an extreme war or something more? I get the sense that the gallery image here could be expanded upon; as a closer you need something more grand and less of a shallow graze upon abstraction. I like the rhymes internal yet they can't be allowed to limit your scope to this degree idea Blow them apart into chunky tripwire goodness I say.

[Urine Pot the Hero]

...wow I should have checked back on this thread a long time ago. Felix, Maj, bless you both. This is Zoharial, and it's amazing to see you guys are still here.