Need help getting away from parents NOW

Please kill me.

Please.	25.0%	[ 3 ]
GOLD.	41.7%	[ 5 ]
Meh.	16.7%	[ 2 ]
Vote already.	16.7%	[ 2 ]
Total Votes:			[ 12 ]

[PrinceWatercress]

This is probably the only place where I can post this and get any serious responses, so here goes...

I am currently living in my parent's house. I am going to turn 22 in two months and I feel that I am an utter failure and a ruined man at 21 years of age. I have worked at Back Yard Burgers for almost 2 1/2 years (I'll hit the 1/2 in June), and I have absolutely no hope of making it past prep person and into a station that more people think about such as sandwich station or the grill. I have also been working at a measly $6 per hour (they don't have regular wage reviews like other, more well known fast food places like McDonald's) all this time, and I don't see myself getting anywhere else.

I tried to get through college for a Computer Science degree after high school but dropped out after half a semester due to academic probation (I could never get math down well at all). I tried joining the Navy only to have my self-esteem shattered by people who didn't care at all and obviously didn't know who they were talking to (I was moved to another division without any success, and the main Recruit Division Commander thought I was a circus freak because I had ADHD). I didn't come out the same person I went in is, and now I am bitter.

Upon my return, I couldn't do anything that involved electricity - video games, computer, Internet, music - because "I couldn't make it in life," according to my parents. Yeah, I was grounded indefinitely at 19. And I can't get any "privileges" back because "I have no maturity and I don't do anything for them." And any help that they try to get me in order to get me out of the house is coming way too slow.

I have made friends at the mall seven miles away from my house since then, but thanks to my recurring lack of success at work I can't think of anybody - friends, family, or co-workers at my own job - without getting into a jealous rage simply because everybody I know has a better job than I do.

I can't access my bank account. My parents took the debit card for it away from me 2 1/2 years ago for "spending it all on food." They want me to take food from the house with me whenever I go to work, whenever being as soon as I get up (by my own choice...there's nothing to do in the house). And all I can eat at the house is TV dinners and PB&J sandwiches with everything else in the kitchen declared by the both of them as forbidden. I'd like to eat some Chick-Fil-A or something every once in a while. I have no car and no license, and I am not interested in getting a car, especially now that gas prices are at demonic highs. I just pedal a bike 7 miles in one direction, and it's an hour long one way. I don't even take anything with me to eat when I leave, and I just wait until I feel like going to work one or two hours earlier to get my employee drink at the BYB for free. Yeah, that's all I run off of. It scares me.

Days off are worse. I don't even like spending them at home anymore. In fact, I don't do that anymore, period. I just go to a friend's house and spend my time there, then call my parents from work (yeah, they want me to call them because they still 'care') to tell them I'm coming home, then go home. ON THE BIKE.

I don't even talk to my parents. I barely even make contact with them anymore, and after the way they treat me, I'm actually happy I don't talk to them.

* My dad is unknowingly cold towards me. I once tried to get a job at Abercrombie and Fitch and got it. Then I got a call saying I can't work there after all because they don't have a spot for the position I chose for days...it was a nights-only position. So they just dropped me. I told my dad and all he says is "Oh, this happens to people all the time." Just like that. I just wanted to ******** stab him.

* Don't even get me started about my step-mom. Everytime she talks to me, she either orders me to do something or yells at me. It's been like this for the last couple years. I don't think she's worth having any kind of mother-son relationship with anymore...I was eating in the dining room last week and it seems she didn't even notice I was there, much less say anything to me. Yeah, like I need your attention, you stupid c**t.

They've both taken me to a psychiatrist (psychologist?), and they (read: both them and the doctor) "want to help me before I get stuck." Guess what? I'm already stuck. Nobody wants to hire me full-time, I can't get out of my folks' house, I can't get any money, and I don't know what to do anymore.

I met my doctor at my job last night, and I asked him to call my parents. If the both of them get angry because I did that (they're out of the country until Saturday morning, I'm in a hotel room right now because they're both ******** paranoid I'll lose my house key and live out on the street), I'm running away. I'm dead ******** serious.

Help me now, Life Issues. Help me now.

[turbid blue]

The first thing you need to do is open a new bank account and get your paychecks direct deposited in there. After you turned 18, they ceased to have any control over your finances. Ask for your debit card back. They have no right to it.

If you can't get a full-time job, get two part-time jobs. Anything you can to get money. That's what I'm currently doing. If you excel at that, you may be offered a manager's position.

And don't worry so much about what other people think. Some of my friends are interning at high-profile fashion magazines in the city, while I have two jobs in the mall. As long as I get money to sustain myself, it doesn't matter where it comes from (as long as it's legal).

[PrinceWatercress]

persephonester

The first thing you need to do is open a new bank account and get your paychecks direct deposited in there. After you turned 18, they ceased to have any control over your finances. Ask for your debit card back. They have no right to it.

They want me to work around the house for the debit card. Like I'm gonna try that again. And as for the bank account somewhere else, I'm afraid they'll find out (monthly statements and all that stuff) and come after me.

persephonester

If you can't get a full-time job, get two part-time jobs. Anything you can to get money. That's what I'm currently doing. If you excel at that, you may be offered a manager's position.

I excel at prep, and they don't want me to step up at Back Yard Burgers. And nobody wants to hire me for part-time at all. I gave up months ago on job hunting because nobody wanted me no matter where I went. I just got sick and tired of it.

persephonester

And don't worry so much about what other people think. Some of my friends are interning at high-profile fashion magazines in the city, while I have two jobs in the mall. As long as I get money to sustain myself, it doesn't matter where it comes from (as long as it's legal).

I want another job, I want schooling at a skill that people would actually want to look at, I want more money, but every attempt I try to pull off just gets shot down. My parents don't even want to help me get back into an institution like High Tech Institute or ITT Tech. I don't think they even want to try and that I'm just off their radar for good simply because I'm 21 years of age. I don't really care anymore...I'm just a hopeless idiot.

[skippinggrace]

You're almost 22. Your parents have no right to control your life. Go to your bank, say that you lost your debit card and need to be reissued a new one. If your account has one of your parents as a cosigner, then don't even bother, just close the account. Withdraw all the money and open a new account, preferably at another bank. If you have more than 3K (which it sounds like you should), go out and find an apartment. You can either find roommates or get a one-bedroom. Unless you're in a huge city, rent shouldn't be more than $200-500/month. You said, "any help that they try to get me in order to get me out of the house is coming way too slow." It's not their responsibility to get you out of the house - it's YOURS. You're a big boy, time to put on your big boy undies and take back your life. You don't need permission to access your money. You don't need permission to move out. If you have to crash with a friend for a while or change the account your paychecks go to, DO IT. Jesus. I also agree with the above comment to get two part-time jobs - work at two fast food places if you need to. Save your money. Then try and go to community college within the next couple years, but make sure it's to get a degree you can actually handle, and not computer science (unless their program is math-free).

You are stuck, but it's not anyone else's fault but yours. Man up, get out of your house and move on.

[Motor Cop]

You have said it yourself. You're 21 going on 22, you're a grown adult, there is nothing your parents can do to stop you from doing what you want. In fact, it sounds more like you are stopping yourself from doing what you want. Take some freaking prerogative. If they've seized your bank card, don't you still have your checks? Either way, how about pedaling to the bank and reporting your old card lost and ordering up some brand new checks? I don't think you have any excuses here.

[mdmartian53]

You're not a hopeless idiot.

I agree with persephonester. I have a few things to add.

Open a PO Box or UPS box or something. Have the bank statements sent there. Keep the debit card on you AT ALL TIMES, even when you're asleep. If they frisk you, threaten a sexual harassment suit.

ADHD doesn't just go away. If you don't have it anymore, then it was a misdiagnosis. If you're being treated for it... well then... that's that.

People with ADD/ADHD tend to do well in sales positions. At least, that's what I've read. I do know of at least one guy who has all the "symptoms" who's a successful computer technician... so ADHD is no good reason to say you can't do anything with electronics.

You might be able to get out of your house quick if you can find a friend who's place you can stay at... even if it's for a price.

Alternatively, if you're desperate enough, you can leave home for a homeless shelter. Online searches for shelters in your area may be helpful.

You're an adult, so if you leave your parent's place, there's nothing they can do about it. Unless you've already been declared "mentally incompitent" and place under their "guardianship". You'd know if you have been. It's not likely they can file for it in your situation, but if they try, don't let it happen.

If a company you want to work for says they only have third shift positions available, and you're willing and able to do it, then offer to work that shift. You're an adult, so there's nothing your parents can do about it, except lock you out of the house. Since you already want to leave, that might not be a bad thing. I'm assuming that you don't have kids or anything that would actually make it difficult to do any of this.

[turbid blue]

Okay, let me state again: it's illegal for your parents to take control of your personal, earned money after you turn 18. There is no dramallama about this. If you want your money, take them to court. You think they'll come after you? What are they going to do, hit you? Take them to court for assault.

I'm currently taking classes online while working 2 jobs. Have you even thought about online courses? Once you get control of your finances, you can pay for the classes yourself. And why the ******** would your parents need to help you get into college? You're old enough to take control of your own education.

It's really hard for me to take pity on you when you shoot down my suggestions and seem to want a magical cure that will make your parents and your employers do everything for you.


EDIT: And don't try to pull any ADD//ADHD stuff. Between me and my close friends, we have most major diagnoses under our belts, including schizoaffective, OCD, and PTSD. But you don't see us feeling sorry for ourselves because we know we need to work harder than the average person, not less.

[PrinceWatercress]

skippinggrace

You're almost 22. Your parents have no right to control your life. Go to your bank, say that you lost your debit card and need to be reissued a new one. If your account has one of your parents as a cosigner, then don't even bother, just close the account. Withdraw all the money and open a new account, preferably at another bank.

Like I said earlier, I'm still afraid they'll find out through monthly statements being sent in the mail and whatnot.

skippinggrace

If you have more than 3K (which it sounds like you should), go out and find an apartment. You can either find roommates or get a one-bedroom. Unless you're in a huge city, rent shouldn't be more than $200-500/month.

I'm going with roommates on this one. The problem is...can I still afford it at $6/hr?

skippinggrace

You said, "any help that they try to get me in order to get me out of the house is coming way too slow." It's not their responsibility to get you out of the house - it's YOURS. You're a big boy, time to put on your big boy undies and take back your life. You don't need permission to access your money. You don't need permission to move out. If you have to crash with a friend for a while or change the account your paychecks go to, DO IT. Jesus.

About time somebody said that, thanks. They're trying to work with the doctor and a few other doctors to put me in a program that could help me learn to live on my own, but I still have my misgivings about it and I'm afraid I'll be put too far away from wherever I work (which could still be Back Yard Burgers at that point) for me to use my bike. I'm about ready to take it into my own hands, because I just don't care anymore.

skippinggrace

I also agree with the above comment to get two part-time jobs - work at two fast food places if you need to. Save your money. Then try and go to community college within the next couple years, but make sure it's to get a degree you can actually handle, and not computer science (unless their program is math-free).

You are stuck, but it's not anyone else's fault but yours. Man up, get out of your house and move on.

I'd rather have just one job. I didn't really like having two part-time jobs at one time, since my job at Kentucky Fried Chicken wanted me to work on my nights off from Back Yard Burgers. I'm glad I only stayed there for three weeks before I got fired.

As for community college, I don't know how I could afford it, much less go from Point A (my house) to Point B (school) to make it to class on time. And even if I had financial aid and student loans, I'm afraid I may not be able to pay it off.

I also can't picture myself doing anything else. I looked at other degrees that involve my love of English and history and all the possible options that involve majoring in those subjects made me wish I officially didn't exist on the face of this Earth.

[Knavery]

I think part of your problem is that you're letting you parents walk all over you and control you. That needs to stop.
I think the other part of you problem is your "I can't" attitude. I find it hard to believe that NOBODY will hire you. Maybe it's the way you present yourself at interviews.
Either way, you need to think about what these people here have suggested, because they're all very good suggestions and they can be done, if you would only believe it.

[Motor Cop]

persephonester

Okay, let me state again: it's illegal for your parents to take control of your personal, earned money after you turn 18. There is no dramallama about this. If you want your money, take them to court. You think they'll come after you? What are they going to do, hit you? Take them to court for assault.

Quoted for absolute truth. You're considered an adult by law, you've been one for a while now. If you need help getting into college, get student loans like everybody else. Don't whine about potential future debt, because you will probably have some kind of debt throughout the majority of your adult life. Payment plans are not unmanageable. Everything you do carries risks, start taking some. I own a home and I have debt, $150,000 on a home equity line that I will pay off in less than 30 years. Loans aren't that big of a deal, dude, but make sure you get one you can afford.

If you have no credit, then stop throwing out those CapitalOne and Discover card mail offers and take the time to fill one out. You may be surprised. Use it a couple times per month, keep a low balance, never overdraft, and eventually you will have a shiny credit report.

You have employment, even if it's shitty employment, which means you have income. There's no reason why you wouldn't get at least a $300 credit line just to start with.

Start working on s**t, man, instead of sitting around waiting for divine intervention. It's not gonna happen. It's time to stand up for yourself.

[Knavery]

PrinceWatercress

I'd rather have just one job. I didn't really like having two part-time jobs at one time, since my job at Kentucky Fried Chicken wanted me to work on my nights off from Back Yard Burgers. I'm glad I only stayed there for three weeks before I got fired.

I'm sorry, but you're going to have to make some sacrifices. neutral

[PrinceWatercress]

mdmartian53

You're not a hopeless idiot.

I agree with persephonester. I have a few things to add.

Open a PO Box or UPS box or something. Have the bank statements sent there. Keep the debit card on you AT ALL TIMES, even when you're asleep. If they frisk you, threaten a sexual harassment suit.

--

You might be able to get out of your house quick if you can find a friend who's place you can stay at... even if it's for a price.

Alternatively, if you're desperate enough, you can leave home for a homeless shelter. Online searches for shelters in your area may be helpful.

--

I'm assuming that you don't have kids or anything that would actually make it difficult to do any of this.

How do I open a PO or UPS box? Is it as easy as going into a post office? (I think it's possible to find the nearest one on the Internet, assuming I can get to somebody's house and look it up there.)

I don't have any kids or anything just as bad or problem-dampening. I haven't done anything that stupid yet, thankfully.

Knavery

I think part of your problem is that you're letting you parents walk all over you and control you. That needs to stop.

How do I make it stop besides doing everything you all ask of me? I know for a fact that I have to force my parents into listening to me, because I feel like I have no other choice than to break the law to the point that I get carted off to prison on assault charges with a deadly weapon to get them to listen. They bash my maturity level, they won't make my life at home any easier, and I am afraid that words will not do anything and that I might have to stab both of them with a kitchen knife if I have to.

Knavery

Maybe it's the way you present yourself at interviews.

I've always had problems with that. It's like they want "super-normal" and I just look "normal." I'm afraid they see me as undesirable and unreliable because I walk around wearing a backpack with a bike helmet tied around one of the straps.

[mdmartian53]

PrinceWatercress

How do I open a PO or UPS box? Is it as easy as going into a post office? (I think it's possible to find the nearest one on the Internet, assuming I can get to somebody's house and look it up there.)

I don't have any kids or anything just as bad or problem-dampening. I haven't done anything that stupid yet, thankfully.

Knavery

I think part of your problem is that you're letting you parents walk all over you and control you. That needs to stop.

How do I make it stop besides doing everything you all ask of me? I know for a fact that I have to force my parents into listening to me, because I feel like I have no other choice than to break the law to the point that I get carted off to prison on assault charges with a deadly weapon to get them to listen. They bash my maturity level, they won't make my life at home any easier, and I am afraid that words will not do anything and that I might have to stab both of them with a kitchen knife if I have to.

Knavery

Maybe it's the way you present yourself at interviews.

I've always had problems with that. It's like they want "super-normal" and I just look "normal." I'm afraid they see me as undesirable and unreliable because I walk around wearing a backpack with a bike helmet tied around one of the straps.

I told you you're not a hopeless idiot.

PO and UPS boxes

PO boxes and UPS boxes are not the same. There are 3 significant differences:
1. PO boxes only accept mail, while UPS boxes accept mail and packages
2. UPS boxes usually cost more than PO boxes
3. PO boxes are at the Post Office; a UPS box is at a UPS store.

The "or something" would be boxes owned by another (local) company. Usually, they are about the same as a UPS box, but each store has it's own policies.

Some things to know before you rent a "box":
1. Exactly what they will and won't accept
2. What hours you will have access to your box
3. How much and what size mail/packages will they put in your box
4. Will they "hold things" that exceed those limits, and if so, where
5. If they "hold things", when and how can you get them
6. What happens to your mail/packages after you close the account

When I needed to rent a box, I opted for a UPS box. I chose it for the following reasons:
I needed something that could accept packages. With a one-time deposit on a "store key", I could have access to my box 24/7. The "store key" only allowed access to the boxes, and the boxes were all locked, so I knew my mail and packages would be safe. If I either exceeded the capacity of my box, or recieved a package that was too large, they would hold it behind the counter. I could pick those items up during normal business hours with my ID (another safety feature). UPS stores are franchises, so your local store(s) may have different policies regarding any or all of this.

I checked with the local post office about mail fowarding. Turns out I could get stuff fowarded TO my box without a problem, but the UPS store was responsible for fowarding my stuff after I closed the account; the Post Office wouldn't do it. When I finally had a permanent place of residence that wasn't my parents house, I notified everyone (important) about my new mailing address, then kept the box for another 6 months to make sure I didn't miss anything. It worked out well for me.

usps.com has a PO Box section right on their home page you can follow.
theupsstore.com has a store locator right on their home page.
yellowpages.com may be able to find another store. Enter "mailbox" in the find field and your zipcode in the location field. When prompted, click "Mailbox-Rental & Receiving".


Finding a Job

I highly recommend using the resources at monster.com There homepage is aimed at people looking for work. If you use their resume builder, make sure to use something that has a "simple" format, meaning text-only. Human Resources (HR) people tend to not like fancy graphics. Many companies nowadays use "scanners" at some point during the process, and graphics screw with those too. There are other things too, but the end result is the same: have a resume with relatively simple text and formatting.

It's preferable to keep an electronic copy of your resume in Microsoft Word format someplace you can easily access it. Given your situation, I'd recommend a secure online place. Failing all else, you can email a copy to yourself to an account that is a "web account", like hotmail, yahoo, or gmail. If you only have one email account, you can still email it to yourself; just enter your email as the "send to" address.

You may be able to get free help from your state's "labor" or "employment" office. For example, if you live in Massachusetts, you can Google "massachusetts" and you'll see "mass.gov" at or near the top of the list. Make sure the site you go to is .gov - those are the actual government sites.

The (brutal) Truth
We have not asked you to do stuff. You asked for our help. We offerred advice. Not all of the advice is the same, so we've given you different options. It's up to you to pick which option(s) you're going to take. There are more options than what have been listed. We have given you options based on our experience and knowledge. Some of these options have included ways you can move out on your own and become independent. Becoming independent may prove your maturity to your parents. If it doesn't, it won't matter... you will not be relying on them anymore. Your relationship with your parents should change after you move out... unless you allow them to continue to control your life.

The best advice I can give you is that which you have not asked for:
Make your own budget and stick to it.

It needs to be realistic, or it won't do you any good. If you do well with your budget, you'll be ahead of most of the world in financial matters. If you'd like my help on doing a budget, please PM me.