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Chapter 2:
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we all got into the little mini van josh had given to mason.
"so where are we supposed to go now???"mason asked
"well if we are alive then there must be others out there"i said
"i think we should get weapons"josh said
"what do you mean get weapons???"ray asked
"well if there might still be people, doesn't men they will all be helpful..."josh said
"so true!!!"devonn said
"ok, but look for other people"mason said
we drove down the highway and onto a road where i lead them.it was a small sporting goods store that sold all types of weapons which was by our friend's dakota's house.devonn josh and ray all went to look for anyone.me and mason walked around...
"hey mason.this tree can get us to the top."i said
"ok i'll check other places..."
"whatever..."
i grabed onto a branch and pulled myself up.i climbed quickly up.soon i was on the roof.i than tried to open the door.CREEEEEEK!!!!it opened
"mason i got the door open!!!"
- by themacmillanpage |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 04/03/2009 |
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- Title: Radar
- Artist: themacmillanpage
- Description: continued
- Date: 04/03/2009
- Tags: radar
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Comments (2 Comments)
- Dark_oracle12 - 04/27/2009
- Good like the first one.
- Report As Spam
- dragonrider435 - 04/08/2009
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It's OK. Here's what might help:
First, make it longer. I think it kind of lacks detail; describe the minivan. What color is it? Is it an old or new car? What does it smell like?
Also, don't use the word "said" so much. It sounds repetitive.
Make sure to capitalize and make the sentences of varying lengths. That will make the piece sound smoother when read aloud. Put some action after he dialogue, like, "'Hey Mason, this tree - Report As Spam
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