Shadow of Light
Shadow of light.
Here I am, shielding the me I can no longer be,
Still Shielding the only me I cared for, the memory.
Just like every friend I've never forgotten.
Like painful cries howling as a tongue I've never bitten.
Look at me then, The only me I intended to keep.
The one everyone always wanted to hurt.
I am here now, I will save you.
Aside myself I am only the truth for those who ask.
Imprisoned in myself, the real me wishes to come out.
I will never let that happen, A slave to my own will and dreams.
Look at me now, I am exactly what I hated, someone who gets what they want by leading others on and guilting them when they ask for what they deserve.
I sit alone, looking into all the spaces where I would have been had life not taken them from me, and then look inside myself wondering what I would be had I not stolen myself from the world. I think of how effortless I said it all was, something that was true when I said it.
But now... The same thing that was effortless is now a swirling corruption that only gets worse until I let it go, Emotions I don't care to receive, love I cannot commit to, friends I can't trust. New friends I won't trust. All wrapped up in an unleashed shell of pride that rebukes me for looking at my best interest rather than a blind honor that will be my undoing.
What's left is only a story. An elder's tale of his older happy, meaningful life filled with joy, friends and hope. Broken by lies and abandonment. A shield with nothing to hold it will only protect itself if it can face the problem. And while I was able to hold it up before for everyone else. They're only memories now, and all I need to do is run away, dodging and avoiding everything, letting everything around me burn and collapse.
It's the same story... Watching myself roll on the floor, in pain, one to turn to, enemies everywhere, friends turn foe, lovers lies. Selfish lust, I watch as everything I wished to attain turn possibility to be worthless. And All I am left to do is cradle myself, a child in my arms, who still has so much to learn, yet once I have figured out how to explain it to myself, it will only put my soul to rest, nothing else.
So instead of doing it, I haunt my own dreams, Holding onto a child I wish to shelter the truth from, he remembers and wishes to do things I no longer see a point in. He wants to live, and I only wish to listen and learn. He only wants to fight, and I want to speak.
But we both want what we had once more, and while I know it will never happen, I try for him, looking at a shield I have to give back to him... Once I find out how to bring him back and become a shadow once more. I can finally die again. But for now. I will remain nameless, walking in front of him, filtering the filth, hoping a sweeter truth will make the lies he will hear tasteless. Hoping that a love for myself will not be shared so easily. And that the truth and advice will mean more next time...
I will save you.