I believe that writing about oneself is one of the hardest things a person can do. Yet we all at one time or another find ourselves faced with the task. I wish this wasn't the case. Beside the difficulty, whatever a person does end up producing will be fragmented. That is to say: a person can only ever describe how they see themself. And how one sees oneself never really lines up with how they really are. I know that I will only ever see rippled reflections of who I am - of what I have convinced myself is there.
But there are a few things I can tell you that are absolute facts:
1) I've been alive for over nineteen years. Soon I will have my twentieth birthday and I will wonder yet again if it will be my last birthday. I imagine I will spend the day as I have spent many of my birthdays: wondering what will become of the memories I will shed in order to make room for new ones.
I sometimes imagine that these old experiences drift out of my ears and the corners of my eyes. They shimmer through the air like so much blue tinsel, eventually falling into a sort of heaven in the form of a black shoe box that I kept in the corner of my childhood bedroom. I know they're safe there. I know I won't see them again.
The next morning when I wake up I'll forget for a breath or two that I've taken a step forward in time. Nineteen, bound in my blankets, will hold me tight. Releasing only when I accept, yet again, that life is about movement. Happiness comes with the wisdom to know when to move on.
2) I have lived in the state of Colorado for my entire life. At times I see myself as a sort of modern Scarlett O'Hara in the sense that I feel such a deep connection to this land and the people who reside within these boarders. Recently I have been pushing myself to discover more of the heart of my state. It's been scary, I admit, but very, very worth it. I've met some of the best, most interesting people and discovered a plethora of outstanding art and music. I'm hoping to become a regular face among the crowds here as the years continue on. If life should call me away from this land, I'll go. But I know I'll always return here. Colorado will always be my true home. I know it will always here to welcome me back with open arms.
3) I'm a woman. It's been an odd journey growing into this gender. It's been an odd journey growing up at all. When I was young, too young to see out of my bedroom window, I imagined growing up as a sort of steady stream that one drifts down. I fancied that I would be able to predict almost every turn and dip that lay ahead of me. As the years have passed I believe I've grown wiser, learning that in reality growing up is more like hiking in the middle of winter with a blindfold on. I say this because I've found that the awful truth is it's rare to find a moment in life that you're not scared shitless; exhaustion can easily become the grinding soundtrack of everyday life; you know that if you don't keep going - if you sit down in the snow to rest - you will die. But the beauty of the human experience is that for every time you break down and cry, every time you trip and fall, there's a moment where you hear the wind catch it's breath or realize that as cliche as the beauty of a sunrise may be, it really is something to marvel at. And those are the moments that make this rock worth clinging to.
Anthony Ruptak & The Midnight Friends - "Grassy Graves"
Fariborz Lachini - "Dance of Leaves"
Frank Sinatra - "Come Fly With Me"
Kishi Bashi - "Atticus, In the Desert/Bright Whites"
Princess Music - "White Waves"
Ian Cooke - "Rover"
Chimney Choir - "Sweet Rose/Turtle"
Liars - "The Exact Color of Doubt"