About

I sure have been neglecting this thing haven't I? The only people whom I know actually give a s**t about it, I talk to outside of lj. So forgive me if I don't feel too much obligationto this...thing. I DO want to write, I really do, but I rarely if ever feel like writing about recent events. Just random stuff that doesn't directly affect me and thoughts and musings. But by the time I'm in a position to type it down, the motivation isn't there anymore. So at this point, this journal has become little else if not a drug journal. In this case, the drug is 99% of the time alcohol, but still...I post nothing of value, nothing worth recording. It's a blank canvas which I waste by covering it in the excrement of my numbed brain. Meanwhile, my peers create art. I'm surrounded by art and inspiration for art 24/7, yet I'm incapable of creating any myself. That's my curse. All I can do is appreciate the eternal hell out of it. Art in all its forms is something I can say, with absolutely no irony or ambiguity whatsoever, gives me a reason to stay alive. Not that it's the ONLY thing that keeps me alive, but it's there. And I can't imagine I'll ever reach a point where I stop appreciating the amazing amount of expression and profundity that surrounds me each and every day if I'm willing to just look around a bit. That's my blessing. But at the same time, I can't write about the art that fuels me in a truly compelling or notable way. So I'm right back to feeling cursed again.

I'm good at ringing up liquor sales. That's one thing I know for sure. That counts for something, right? Right? Don't answer that.

It just occurred to me that the image I create in this journal is actually quite a bit more negative than I actually feel most of the time. That's not to say that this journal isn't honest, because it absolutely is. Even the posts that consist of nothing more profound than "LOL CHECK OUT THIS YOUTUBE LINK" are coming from the same place as the kind of crap I'm writing right now. I'm complicated I guess. Yeah no s**t, who isn't? Oh gee I'm so special, I feel a moral ambiguity? Welcome to life. Just wait till I have kids. ******** angst city.

We should all feel blessed we came of age AFTER the internet era truly began. Jesus, can you imagine what our kids are going to think? When they're old enough to google, which will probably be not long after they can talk and walk, they're going to look us up and find out how completely retarded we were when we were almost as young as they were. Oh s**t, maybe my future son is reading this RIGHT ******** NOW on some future computer archive. I'm imagining that this post is hanging by a carbon-based thread to a diode inside an infinitely anonymous chamber of an equally anonymous server, long forgotten and rusted in a dark warehouse, lit only by the dull hums of electronics which would give William Gibson a hard-on that would span the ******** river Seine.

Hey kid! Yeah, the hypothetical one who will probably never exist! That's what progress sounds like. A dull hum, as things neither of us can barely understand operate at speeds that would make even Stephen Hawking reel, if he was physically capable of doing so. Of course you won't think about that. When I turn on a shitty old black and white TV at work, I just see a pain in the a** getting in the way of letting me enjoy Jeopardy on my break. I don't think what an utter miracle it is that image and sound can be broadcast at 32 frames per second via invisible waves and converted into an arrangement of individual dots on a glass screen in front of me. It's truly miraculous when you really think about it, but the only thing on my immediate mind is HEAD ON APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD.

You'll be the same way, of course. Right now I am writing something which will be displayed to EVERYONE IN THE WORLD. Well, everyone with internet access who chooses to seek out something as innocuous and potentially embarassing as this. But still, even with those reservations, we're talking billions. BILLIONS. It's a number that's tossed around casually, often. It is the number with which the world's population is measured after all. But if you take a few seconds to really consider it's...crushingly overwhelming. You know 3,000-some people died in 9/11? That's a tragedy, right? Absolutely horrible, inconceivable. How can anyone live with that amount of blood on their hands?

...but it's nothing in the grand scheme of things. I'm not even talking about life. The history of humanity, both as a race and in terms of civilization, is a history of constant and ever-intensifying violence. No one would be here if our ancestors didn't slaughter the ******** out everyone else they were even aware of. We were born in blood, figuratively and literally. It doesn't mean we have to live up to or continue the sins of the fathers, but it's something to keep in mind. We are not rational by nature. We are not diplomatic by nature. We are, like every other living thing on this planet, ruled by impulse and instinct. The fact that we are able to analyze and rationalize and resist these impulses sets us apart, but no one can deny they're not present.

I have to say, I actually agree with the religious fundamentalists that humans are capable of greatness and there's so much more to us than our evolutionary ancestry. But it's not going to happen overnight. It doesn't matter if you believe we're divinely created in God's image or the result of millenia of (possibly) random genetic development. (for the record, I'm somewhere in the middle) Either way it all comes down to a moral choice about how we want to live our lives. And I don't think the gap between those beliefs is very wi

God, what the ******** am I talking about? I'm quitting while I'm ahead, I lost track of any thesis statement I had in mind a loooooong time ago. Kids, this essay/post is why you SHOULD do drugs, and at the same time why you SHOULDN'T do drugs all rolled into one. I guess it's just a perfect illustration for why it's worth a shot. And hypothetical future kid (oh ho ho, look how I tie a previous thread into the last sentence), if I can offer any one piece of advice above all others, it is to QUESTION EVERYTHING. Take nothing at face value. But don't be a ******** retard. Don't be someone like those stupid 9/11 conspiracy theorists who WANT to believe something so they just ignore huge chunks of evidence. Look at everything from every angle. Take nothing for granted. Learn to appreciate every aspect of the world around you even as you mistrust it. No matter how ugly it gets, beauty is everywhere to be found. Authority figures, especially elders, are every bit as confusing as you probably think they are in your limited experience. Listen to what they say, because it comes from a worldview well worth considering, but do not accept anything immediately. Reject nothing either. And DON'T BE AN IDIOT. I'm stressing that last bit because I've been reading some 9/11 conspiracy crap, and while suspicion of the government is a genuinely valuable thing to possess, this sort of thing will only appel to someone who's either extremely ignorant/gullible or who WANTS to believe this sort of thing long before the theory presents itself. Don't be those guys. I'd like to believe any hypothetical, alive-a-long-time-from-now offspring of mine will be smarter than that.


Yetzer Hatikva (3:04:51 AM): imagine if there were numerous copies of all the things you wrote, and you could never escape them
Evan the Woozle (3:05:07 AM): there already are
Evan the Woozle (3:05:13 AM): welcome to the information age


There is no end to this post. I don't think there ever will be. This is merely the moment I've decided to cut my losses and hit the submit button. Nothing more, nothing less.