ThisEmptySoul

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Last Login: 07/25/2017 11:30 am

Registered: 10/23/2004

Birthday: 02/01

Occupation: Lazy Bum

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Stuff and Things

Thoughts and ideas that came to me that I decided to put down somewhere instead of just keep to myself.

 

About

People often call me either "Soul" or "Tes". I've grown accustomed to Tes and sort of prefer it, but I'm not going to complain if you call me something else.

I like to debate, but I often lose interest when it resorts to name calling, attacks, and insults. For me, debate is an exercise for the mind, done for the purpose of sharpening up thinking and understanding. But even more than that, I do it for enjoyment.

I also have the tendency to make people very angry, but not always intentionally. There just seems to be some quality about me that some cannot stand, even if I am trying to be polite.

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lady leko-chan Report | 05/23/2017 9:57 pm
lady leko-chan
scream silence!
lady leko-chan Report | 05/23/2017 8:19 pm
lady leko-chan
Just because you found new friends doesn't mean you're better than me! scream
Now Ayami just needs to rekindle her affair with Nei and we're almost back to normal

Can't leave you alone for a minute, a minute that's actually like 2 years talk2hand

lady leko-chan Report | 05/23/2017 7:52 pm
lady leko-chan
There isn't enough Leko on this page talk2hand
PulchraVita Report | 04/18/2017 8:53 pm
PulchraVita
oh yeah I meant to add, of course you don't have to talk about that if you'd rather not
PulchraVita Report | 04/18/2017 8:42 pm
PulchraVita
Haha I noticed it cut off afterwards, I didnt bother posting the rest because all I said was "wondering if any of it felt similar to you." And I saw you changed your layout before you commented too! XD I visited your profile and saw how skinny the comment section was after I sent it and was like oh wow it doesnt..REALLY read better on here than on tumblr rofl and then I saw you changed it and wondered if it was because of my comment XD

Yeah I remember in school i'd stay up really late at night and not do my homework or projects, and I'd want to draw but a lot of times I'd stay up, but not draw! Because I felt like I wasn't allowed to use this time to do the things I want. I have other things I have to do, but I didn't want to do them, but I had something I did want to do but wasn't allowed to, so even though I'd say im not doing the homework and then id say I can't draw unless I do it, the answer should be ok go to sleep, but I'd still stay awake and just "be" in that gray area of time? like I wouldn't really do anything except be on my phone or computer and just dillydally until I got sleepy. But now I don't really have anything I HAVE to do aside from go to work and I don't do the things I want anyway so that doesn't really present itself too much anymore. now, I just don't do the things lol

The "not making yourself do the things you don't want to do makes it hard to enjoy other things" I feel like says it better than I did. While I feel like this applies to me, I can say i'm doing better about not caring about anything or not enjoying/getting excited for things than I could some while ago. I didn't care about anything at all. I liked things, but there was no excitement and everything fun was kind of trivial..? Like I could still do things that were "fun" and not dislike it, it just was me being occupied to an extent. Never really anything I just HAD to do.
I didn't really mark the change in attitude until now, not sure what changed for me to be a little happier/excited.

I do play more games than the multiplayer so maybe I'm ignoring that I do get a sense of accomplishment from those games as well

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I'm playing around with the idea that I have similarities to
add/adhd and an executive function disorder.

Adhd always seemed like the thing kids touted around at school as like a "im cool and so random XD sorry i have adhd" so i never really understood what add/adhd (idk if theyre different?) really looked like? It made it seem like ok if you have adhd its probably really obvious and looks nothing like those kids trying to be "cool attention-getters" so with me thinking that it could only present itself as an undeniably noticable condition that surely wasn't like those kids, obviously I couldn't have it, right?
Obviously--Im unsure. And I do feel like the majority of my issues come from my upbringing in a stressful, abusive, and depression inducing household, rather than what I believe is a genetic condition? Right? I don't believe adhd is something that develops from your environment, right? I have no idea if adhd can be "caused" I'm not too knowledgeable about it hence my "playing with the idea" still trying to learn about it. but a lot of things about it kinda ring a bell.
I wonder if your executive function can be compromised from depression?

Have you thought about any of this for yourself? Not trying to suggest you might have any of this haha, but rather kind of investigating myself through someone I believe is possibly similar to me??! Of course, hoping that doesn't come off as rude, and that this might be interesting to you as well.
PulchraVita Report | 04/17/2017 5:33 pm
PulchraVita
I asked for another way to contact you, but with this big message, gaia still seems like the more appropriate format lol this wouldn't read or wait well on tumblr I feel like, sorry about that! I wish I wouldn't have waited so long to type this, I had a lot of things I wanted to bring up that I connected all together to be helping reasons why i am with art the way I am, but i've forgotten a lot of the connections which sucks cause i wanted to see if any of that resonated with you!


All I really remember is a few things;

For the past idk how many years, I spend a lot of time doing things I don't want to do. Not talking about obligations and adult responsibilities, but rather my hobbies and what not, I have things I really want to do and then there's just things I like and rather than do what I want to do, i waste my time doing the the other things I like that I do all the time? Like i really enjoy reading and drawing and being craftsy but I NEVER do it. but what I do actually do is I play this never ending pvp shooter as a time waster. I latch onto multiplayer videogames, things that never end. Even when I get frustrated with it, when I get understimulated by it, I literally will continue playing the game even if I dont want to rather than do something else I'd like.
I was wondering if I have a hard time doing other things because maybe I'm yearning for socialization? with this game being the only avenue for socialization i try to use

On this valentines day, I had to work about 11 or so days in a row, I'm not sure, for preparing for the holiday (flowers) Normally that's just too much stress for me to work so many days in a row during holidays so i'll typically call out once during the holidays. This year I did try to call out, but my boss just straight up refused and said we need you to come in. So i did. and I worked all through the holiday and when the holiday was over, I had 2 days off. I beat the holiday rush. I FINISHED something and those next 2 days off were the best days off I've had in a while. I didn't play the shooter much, I READ A BOOK, one I've been wanted to read for like 2 years that I've had sitting on my shelf, I forgot the other stuff i did, but it was all stuff I NEVER do that I always WANT to do! I was so happy on those days off, just my whole outlook was good.
I wasn't necessarily proud of myself for getting through the holidays, it's just work at a job I hate. I couldn't really tell why I was happier but that seems like the only reason that makes sense, I finished something, I accomplished something.

I'm wondering if somewhere in my brain coding is that I can't necessarily move on to anything or have fun idk if I'm not finishing something, some sort of achievement? Or like I can only feel good after it's earned. I think I had more reasons and details supporting why i think that, but I can't remember them right now :(

I also spend a lot of time with my S/O away from my tablet and computer affecting my drawing and any other hobbies I'd like to do. We are working on a room for me though in his house where I can put more of my things so hopefully this will help.
So I think it added up to
I spend so much time with my S/O that I don't get as many outlets for stimulation/socialization as I did before i started dating them, which leads me to use most of my personal time striving for socialization in a very limited way at home (I don't talk to any of my friends anymore barely and choose to use the least effective way to make friends through a competitive game where almost no one talks which is my fault) and I'm not getting the socialization I WANT and just get burnt out and never do anything else. And thats on top of never finishing art so its never a rewarding experience.
I did way more art when I was single and in school and I still played multiplayer games back then too.

All of this was put together so much better when it was fresh in my head like 2 weeks ago ahah im sorry, I was won
PulchraVita Report | 03/19/2017 11:21 am
PulchraVita
Wow I have such a big response for observations I've made with myself and depression in regards to doing what I want and wondering if you feel similar, why is using Gaia on mobile so shitty I don't want to type it lol
PulchraVita Report | 03/17/2017 7:55 am
PulchraVita
heart heart heart I know I've asked you before but I can't remember, is there any other website you hang out on? Or is gaia still your main social website?
PulchraVita Report | 02/01/2017 1:39 pm
PulchraVita
Happy birthday, smurf! 4laugh if it really even is your birthday ninja
PulchraVita Report | 01/23/2017 10:49 pm
PulchraVita
Did your partner actually buy you baking stuff?? That's so sweet of them!

And exactly!!!!!! Aside from wanting to draw a comic (I'm not really confident/versed in story telling) I'm in the exact same boat. I THINK I remember you asking me why I redraw the same thing over and over again, like I'd reline the whole drawing on another layer, only to 50% opacity and redraw it again. Productive artists crank out art. I remember following someone with mediocre art (it still looked nice) but despite technical errors ( that's what youd call them right?) they'd still post the art as a finished piece because that was their ability. And they've improved SO much now..its kinda like wow... if only I could finish pieces and walk away from them, i'd be a lot better. But because I get stuck on one drawing I don't really get a lot of experience regardless on how much I'm learning with the one piece correcting things. Like I'd learn better by drawing 10 hands, than trying 10 times at getting this one hand pose as correct as possible. The advice to get better is so simple - to draw more. But I guess insecurity, depression, perfectionism, and having a job and a S/O don't really allow that. :/

It sucks that I can't teach myself because I'd save money, but I'm really not disciplined in almost any manner. I think going to school for drawing has been proven a waste of money for so many people, however I think alotting that time to specifically study drawing by obligation ($$) is really the only thing that will help me. Otherwise I'd spend all free time trying to de-stress/relax with temporary relief via videogames and movies.
 

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