Well, I live with my girlfriend in our apartment for now. We moved to wisconsin from south carolina.
She is very supportive and very understanding. However, I always feel like a POS because she is always doing everything, even working and paying bills etc. I mean I hate that she does it all, but I can't seem to get the motivation to get a job or find the ability to care about life. Ever since I was told "We're all going to die" I believe everything is pointless to try and "Do" anything. It may be a pessimistic outlook. But it is very much how I feel. What is the point of me starting anything if one day I walk outside and I get into a crash or get decapitated or get crippled or anything of the above. Just the very fact that I know that keeps me from wanting to do anything. Why risk it. Why risk doing anything more than what I have too. (Occasionally going out to dinner with girlfriend or to the store). For me, that is enough. I don't see the benefits of interacting with people or currency for that matter. Even daily life, the fact that people have to "work" for money that isn't even enough to be "comfortable" just doesn't make sense to me. To me, nothing changes. People don't change, Economy doesn't change. Food is always scarce. People are always hungry. Everyone is always getting sick. The human condition is a joke. Then, on top of that. I literally am struggling to maintain my religious views right now because of all the insanity in the world and twisted s**t. I can't even deal with real life because I am dealing with moral dilemmas consecutively. They are never ending. I am constantly telling myself and thinking to myself. (You are a piece of s**t, your lazy and pathetic) then on the other side I tell myself (You are a good person, you care about people. That's enough, you have good intentions but they just don't always work out). In all honesty, I've actually tried having a job and a car and everything else. Want to know what happened to it? It got repossessed because I couldn't keep up with the payments on it. I lost my job because my co-worker told my boss that I said I was going to come into work and shoot up the place. All because I said "Ever have those days you just want to shoot every stupid person?" because every single person does, no one has a perfect ******** day. Doesn't happen. But that set me back, emotionally and financially. Then on top of that, I found out at the time me and my girlfriend were breaking up. All at one time. I'm still not over it. I still think about my ex and how she did it. She didn't just break up with me, she cheated on me multiple times then when I tried my best to forgive her and change her mind about us. She s**t in my heart. By ******** another dude while we were trying to work on it. Then going on from there, trying to pick up the broken pieces of myself. I got a job and the one ******** good thing in my life I met doing that job. I don't know what I would do without her. She absolutely is my survival. I am 100% dependant on her, even though I don't want to be. She deserves better than that. Way better, sometimes I wonder why the ******** she is still with me. Then, I do nothing but hurt her and take advantage of her forgiveness. I am without a doubt deserving of all the self hatred that I have and bitterness for the world. So I don't think this will get fixed. I really don't, only because this is my outlook on life. If pills work great, I am more than willing to give them a shot. Hell, I am trying to do one thing more each day or even just one thing. But, It's so hard when I have such bitter resentment. Resenting everyone and everything. I'm angry, in ways I can't even explain. For travesties against me like I'm some ******** perfect person, when I know I'm not. But I can't help it. I don't know. Sorry for letting this all out. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it except my girlfriend but she doesn't get it.