One upon a time, guy35 was born to billy ray cyrus and miley's long lost sister kalene. Kalene was an ugly b***h who reguarly got bukakaed and enjoyed being tea bagged. Billy ray is a christian man so after his b*****d child guy35 was born he was pawned off to some distant relatives of his in ******** nowhere in like louisiana or some s**t. Kalene was never seen again after billy ray offered her to the yakuza to get his other retarded son, trace cyrus, out of captivity because billy just loved him more.
Anyway, guy35 learned the art of catfishin (literally) and how to make really shitty gumbo that nobody ate. One day he fell ill from eating that shitty gumbo and he s**t out all his intestines. It was p ******** gross but he lived and his large intestine was replaced with a one from a cow. The doctors ******** up tho and replaced his stomach with the heart of a cow. When he awoke, guy35 had a huge hunger for love and he would go to any lengths to find it.
Guy35 crossed mountains and great plains meeting many on his quest for love. He made that shitty gumbo for everyone who would be kind enough to host him and those idiots ate it up like it was the best meal theyd ever eaten. Continuing on, he caught the attention of the fbi due to the large amounts of people dying from eating that ******** gumbo. Guy35 had no idea he was inadvertently killing everyone who would help him. It didn't matter tho. All that mattered was his princess that he would someday find.
After a few years of searching guy35 became jaded and found himself on gaia. He returned home and the fbi trail went cold. They put his file away assuming he had died. However guy35 was really lurking on gaia making sappy lovelorn posts and crying himself to sleep everynight when one day he was at his 54th cousin twice removed's wedding or someshit, when he first lay eyes upon his queen. She was beautiful and he fell in lurve @ 1st sight. Unfortunately hes blind in one eye and the woman actually looked like shrek.
He queried many family members. "Who is she, who is she" until he found she was his 2nd, no, 1st cousin! And this made his love for her even that much more rabid. He started doing some really sick s**t like gluing pictures of himself next to her in family photo albums and making wax figures of her. Seriously, it was pretty ******** up. Anyway he kept doing gay s**t like that and pining for her attention when one day her father sold her to a pimp named slickback for a crack rock and 15 cents cash money.
Guy35 was crushed he set out in pursuit of his cousin because only he should be allowed to deflower her (although he himself contemplated allowing a pimp named slickback to turn her out and yield quite a hefty profit). When a pimp named slickback and guy35's cousin were about to board the plane, a loud NOOOOOOOOO echoed through the airport. Guy35 ran up on a pimp named slickback and molly whopped his punk a** into an alternate universe where amazonian women prostituted men. Sucks for him. Back at the airport, guy35 proposed to his cousin and as she opened her mouth to say yes some a*****e terrorists came to ruin the party. They started blowing s**t up and merking mfs left and right. Time seemed to stand still as guy35 watched his cousins lips make the words "yes" amidst the dull sounds of explosions and screaming around them. Luckily as time moved forward the fbi, who had traced guy35 to the airport, showed up just as tge attack was happening. Guy35 and his cousin escaped and she let him do a 40 ounce bounce on that a** within the sanctity of marriage.