In the beginning, all was null and void. Then God created the Heavens and the Earth, and all the other planets too like Mars and Pluto. And he saw that they were Good. Then he brought forth the land, and put animals and men and women upon it. He saw that these too were Good.
"But," said God, "What is Good? It cannot be defined except in opposition to something." So God brought Evil upon the Earth. And all the Good people, they were like doormats before the Wars, the Pestilence, and the Telemarketers. There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth, and they cried out to God to save them.
And God was in one of his merciful moods, and so He brought forth the Internet. Upon the Internet he commanded that there be written a page which would enumerate the many Evils of the world. Thus, the Good people could surf the page, and know what is Good and what is Evil. Armed thus with knowledge, they could fight the Evil, and do Glory unto God.
And there was much rejoicing.
And there shall be a great Evil corporation, that shall seek to subvert all to its will. It shall stretch its foul influence from the land of Redmond, where the shadows lie. All who oppose it shall be stripped of possessions and laid bare to the waste. Not even the Kings of the Earth shall be able to split its Evil. And all shall use Windows forever more.
And there will also be a smaller Evil corporation which will have the same Evil heart as its larger brother. But this corporation will be smaller and less competent, and forced to compensate by making fruity designer computers with serious design flaws. Do not be fooled, for though this Evil will claim to oppose the larger it is of the same substance.
And there shall be an institution of Evil which all must attend for four years. It shall claim to be a place of enlightenment, but it exists to steal the living spirit from the body and ridicule all who are different or unusual. Take heart, for this Evil is only temporary.
High school is like unto a Great Beast rising from the bowels of the Earth, and upon its back lie the Cheerleaders. These are those girls who have given over their bodies and their souls to the Dark Forces of School Spirit. Beware their siren songs and cavorting dances, for they shall claim your mortal soul.
And there shall be many groups of singing young men, and their number shall always be five. They are the living incarnations of the Five Lords of Cacophony, and they come to the world of humans to lure teenage girls back to the Pit from whence they came. Woe unto those who buy their CDs!
And there shall be a man and a wookie with too much makeup who will own a television station. And though they shall pay lip service to the Lord, they shall prey upon the poor and the uneducated and take their money. Beware, for their true goal is to gather more gold upon their stage!
And there shall be a cartoon, and this cartoon shall be about a bunch of boring, white-bread middle class Americans permanently stuck in the fifties. It shall enforce its rigid, sterile view upon all who read with the same insipid jokes. Pity Little Billy! He has been eight years of age for fifty years!
And there shall be a state in the western United States, and it shall be filled with all manner of tacky and gaudy things. They shall be loud and obnoxious and glittery, but without soul. And the sleaze factor shall be unmeasurable. Do not travel this wasteland, for no one returns unchanged.
And there shall be many small dogs which bark incessantly and for no good reason. The most foul of these is the poodle. Though it looks ridiculous, it is vicious and loves nothing more than to bite the hands of people. But you cannot kick this beast, for it is attended upon by doting old ladies, unwitting servants of Evil.
And there shall be a great purple dinosaur, who shall work its way into the hearts of children through its crude singing. Once it has gained their trust it shall make its true nature known. For it is the incarnation of the Beast, and it shall rise up and devour children whole.
And there shall be tomes of mindless drivel, filled with lurid descriptions of steamy men and tempestuous love. They shall insidiously lower the intelligence of all who read. Yet droves of women will continue to run to the checkout stand to buy them, until their brains are completely melted. Beware!
And there shall be a doll of unliving plastic, and yet it shall be possessed by a foul spirit which beckons all around it to wear pink and act in a feminine manner. Yet this behavior shall lead to destruction, and there shall be much accessorizing and gnashing of teeth. All will worship the eternal fickle maiden with the impossible proportions, for ever more.
And there shall be an internet service provider which shall tell all of its ease of use. Yet even as it broadcasts its friendly messages, it shall burrow into computers like a serpent and alter them to its own purposes. It shall break other programs, and none will be able to undo its foul taint. Beware the eternal stream of CD's which all are sent.
And there shall be people who shall be concerned with money above all other things. They shall create mission statements and org charts, and shall stifle those around them with long meetings of no use. The taint shall spread as those who are drawn into their world become like them, until all wear suits and are more machine than human.
And there shall be great iron chariots which fly through the sky. But these chariots shall be controlled by men of money, and they shall use an incomprehensible pricing scheme so that all who pay for tickets shall despair. These companies will then use great tragedies for their own benefit, and take up invasive security measures that provide only the illusion of security. Beware these companies, for all need them despite the Evil that they do.
And there shall be a great maker of shoes that will be a false idol to all marketers and men of sales in the world. Their evil swoosh shall cover the globe. Yet, its dominance will lie on the back of fourteen year old girls who labor in sweatshops for pennies each day. Thus will its tragedy spread.
And there shall be large beasts of the road, who are built to travel not on the road. They shall be driven by soccer moms and yuppies, who do not understand that their vehicles are dangerous to all around them. And their money shall go to feed these great beasts with oil from the ground. In this way they shall fund repressive regimes and fanatic terrorists, and all shall weep for ever more!
And there shall be a host of small beasts with shrill voices, who lair inside of tiny balls waiting to feast upon the souls of children. And there shall be cards and cartoons and movies and clothing dedicated to this foul horde. The young shall be mesmerized by their bright colors and flashing eyes, and shall waste away as they collect them all.