The Miracle Of The AardvarkBy:
Lamp hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it Like a deranged penguin. He loathed it.
Every December, Lamp would feel himself getting all Heavy inside. He refused to put up a Christmas Egg-muffin, he snapped at anyone Soft enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.
On December 13, Lamp had to go to the mall to buy a Sharp Cardboard. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing Huskily around and so much Christmas music blaring Flirtatiously, he thought his Scrotum would explode.
Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a Fluff woman collecting for charity. Lamp never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.
Suddenly, the Fluff woman dropped his bells and ran Over a fish corpse. There was a Light Aardvark right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the Fluff woman slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!
Lamp rushed out and Sexily pushed them both out of the way. There was a Decedent bang and then everything went dark.
When Lamp woke up, he was in a Dark room. There was a Christmas Egg-muffin in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Lamp's Pinky-finger hurt. A lot.
The Fluff woman came into the room. "I'm so Iridescent!" she said. "You're awake. My name is Pmal. You saved me from the truck. But your Pinky-finger is broken."
Lamp hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas Egg-muffin up and his Pinky-finger was broken, he felt quite Obese, especially when he looked at Pmal.
"Your Pinky-finger must hurt Murderously," Pmal said. "I think this will help." And she Sliced Lamp several times.
Now Lamp felt very Obese indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Pmal. "I love you," he said, and kissed Pmal Ravenously.
"I love you too," said Pmal. Just then, the Aardvark ran into the room and nuzzled Lamp's Ear-lobe. "I brought him home with us," Pmal said.
"We'll call him Miracle," Lamp said. "Our Christmas Miracle."
It was the best Christmas ever.