Unfortunately I don't retain any memories from before my 5th birthday, this has caused me much doubt in the past in regards to my presence here in this reality, but I have long since shed those, and come to terms in understanding of the world and existence for what it truly is. Never could fairy-tales imagined by we primates ever compare to the wonders of the natural universe, and it often saddens me that people would rather believe in a father figure in the sky, than to mature enough within themselves to grip reality.
Leaving that thought-line, I want to return to my childhood, I spent many of my years in utter ignorance as I let myself become enamored with the fantasy world within, I was a quick learner as a child but this also became my downfall in regard to the public education system, I wasn't allowed to work on my own and so I would spend hours just drifting in my dreams. Eventually when I began to grip onto what wonders this world had to offer, I found myself so far behind that the road to catching up had long since deteriorated.
In this I found little help from my father though, he was a troubled man in mind and body. His memories were a demon he could not conquer, his body was degrading slowly into a mess of poor health and weakness. When I was a child he tried to teach me right, but all he got to was electronics and how to properly perform sexually. As a 7 year old, I did not understand, and I wouldn't understand for more than a decade as I wasn't explained the feeling of love, so confusion carried heavily within me.
I think it was such a poor guidance into the nature of humanity that lead me to make the mistakes I did, but I do not blame my father because I felt within myself that these things weren't right so I could have challenged myself a great number of times to do the right thing but not until my aging past 18 did I even attempt to. I was disconnected, I felt my body was revolting to people and knew that I didn't follow the normal thought pattern of people so I embraced that disconnection and sought refuge within games.
Many memories of mine revolve around the glowing screen, pixels dancing while the cold plastic in my hand suffered under the pounding of my thumbs. Ever more frustration sank in as I couldn't beat the game, ever more I drew into myself, constantly silent, so quiet.
Most of my transitioning from child to teen was spent trying to get over the anger of being behind in everything, which included school, social life, body image, even gaming which had become my refuge from the world. Indeed it was following that everlasting line of confusion, but things only became worse as I moved into high school. I made my attempts to become social, I played basketball at every break, tried to work my way into different social groups, but none of this worked for me.
I enjoyed it, but I didn't stop feeling empty inside, then it struck me! I had to find someone to ********! At least that was the education I had gained from my father, this part I definitely blame on him. In my attempts through the social circles in the school, I attempted what I could, had some minor encounters but nothing more than sad and pathetic attempts that I would love to take back. No real relationships formed, a couple short lived things that wouldn't last more than two weeks, but that was before my venture into the world of the internet.
Here my body didn't stop me, my gaming skills meant nothing, my falling behind in education didn't make people go, "Oh no, look at that loser" before I spoke with them. I had finally found it, I found my voice, but it also became my vice. Here I began to form relationships, merely for the cyber sex which I had introduced to me by a 30yo woman while I was 14, most hilariously enough.
Multiple relationships, a couple of dozen, simultaneously! I felt like a king! Yet I still felt so empty, so wrong, so I left it all. I took my hiatus from it, and attempted to come to terms with these things, so I came back to it when I felt I was ready, though I plainly wasn't. More I continued this line of horseshit, but thankfully reality was always there to sober me up.
School during my junior and senior years had been much more pleasant, I escaped the quiet and began speaking with people, making connections, trying again to form relationships and failing even more than before! I felt good despite those failures though.
I was able to pass all my classes, got rather creative in much of my work, sometimes I even excelled, granted it by no means made up for the many years of horrible work I had done, but I felt good about myself in regards to my schoolwork. Barring a couple of classes, though.
This made an extremely positive addition to my life, and without it, I don't know if I could have made it to where I am today, because these things gave me courage and frankly there are a few times I held a knife to my chest, ready to stab through the ribs into my heart.
Carrying on though, I slowly began to work myself to enjoying reality, but after high school I fell back to the internet for support, it took some time but I found some friends and was able to break away some, but as I had a job, I soon learned of social networks and online games, many of which had ways to dress your character, or fun games to play, but money was a source of advancement there.
So began a long mistake of mine, to invest in my internet games rather than investing for my future, but that's one I no longer intend to make and so I won't bother to revisit it more. Beyond that, I can think of nothing more I need to share as insight to what spawned the man I am today. I use the term man very loosely, because I certainly feel I have some work to do in order to finally say I am genuinely mature with myself, but at long last I feel good with the ground beneath my feet, and will be able to move in a way that breeds positive change in my life.
Rather than rewrite what was written above, which I still stand by, I wish to make some additions, and will do so here. For the last few months I've dedicated myself to finding solid truth for myself. Not a guide that will make the lives of others complete, but more of a basic path that will lead me to a road of happiness for myself, and advice I can give to others to explain how I get there. I allow no lies to enter my life, barring those that are obviously made for the sake of comedy. I find my values, my morals, and what gives me delight, and when I am unsure of something I relentlessly challenge myself until I can discover where I stand.
Doing this, I find that my days are full of happiness, whether I am entirely alone that day, or I have the company of those who bring smiles. I however also do not allow myself the lie of assuming I am on the "true" path of life, for it's on my own. I don't let the childish lies of others trying to direct their own morals onto me, when I find their morals disgusting, influence the way my path is built. I recognize the fact that in solitude I find strength, when alone I become a tenacious beast who has no reservations, but with unwanted company I am like a mouse, reserved and hiding away.
I am a demophobe, and the presence of those I do not select creates turmoil within me, while those who I choose allow expansion of my mind as we meld our words to create a wonderful conversation. That is all for now, more to come at a later date.