» O ρ є и ~ J σ υ я и α ℓ

❥ Oh my god, drama fills me with happiness and bless it for existing. At least I know it can sometimes fill the void in my heart.
I ******** love writing. It literally helps me with everything involving communication and socializing. I suck at talking to people, but when it comes to writing I can go all out. No regrets, no nothing. I can just let everything out, and all the weight on my shoulders and the pain in my heart just disappears away. I’m so glad I found a way to express myself without having to talk to someone about my problems face to face. If writing didn’t exist, I think I’d be long gone. My mind would in a different place. In a different atmosphere. While my heart would be gone too. Except they both wouldn’t be in the same place. One is there, while the other is somewhere else.
If I could take all the pain you feel and receive, I would do it in a heart beat. I honestly really ******** hate that you are going through such a rough time and even though I can’t always be there for you I really really really care. You are the only person I’ve cared about for a really long time. The person I’ve actually let in rather than push away. Kinda scared that after I reveal something I’ve been holding back you might leave me with feelings of hatred or angriness in your heart.

» O4/28/15

❥ Can’t believe I actually was able to finish my project for science in like three hours. Today was probably the most productive I’ve ever been since like forever. I gotta admit, it was pretty easy. I just had to do it. I still have yet to finish my other homework and to study, but I have time left so I think I’ll be okay. Even though I really don’t want to go to school tomorrow because of mando class, I still gotta go. Can’t wait till I look like a fool infront of everyone, ugh.
Tbh, I don't care about you anymore. I deleted you off Skype because it was 1OO% obvious you weren't actually on when it said you were. I've moved on from you because I got fed up with your lies. I got fed up with you. Sorry if this hurts, but I'm just kinda done.

» O4/27/15

❥ Damn I can’t believe I already finished putting all my journal entries on tumblr in one day... I have no life LOL. Didn't even do my project or homework. Guess Imma have to finish all of it tomorrow. My fault for making such stupid decisions. Anyways, at least now I have all my journals all in one place. I don’t care if anyone finds this blog. Doesn't matter if anyone uses it against me. I’m letting the world know about what I feel comfortable sharing. This is to help me and myself only. To cope with everything in my life and to let it out.

» O4/26/15

❥ I cry when my favorite league streamers stop streaming.. I need to get a life.
School sucks. School is hell. School needs to be lit on fire and burned down to the ground.

» O4/23/15

❥ I have this really bad feeling that soon we're gonna have no time for each other and we'll be going our separate ways. I'm scared. I don't want this to happen, but maybe I really should let go of you. You've been doing great and maybe our age difference just had to be. I hope that doesn't happen till a long time though.
I need to stop thinking about everything. I need to stop thinking about things that make me scared and upset.

» O4/22/15

❥ I don't know what to say. All I know is I'm not happy and things are getting worse. Each year it gets worse.

» O4/21/15

❥ Honestly, it felt kinda nice letting everything out. It's usually through journals but I decided to make a little progress today and do it in real life. Also talked about my guy problems to someone other than my friend. The last time I ever told anyone about him was a long time ago. Now I just need to do it everyday and get use to the feeling that some's listening this time. Right now I feel kinda stuck though. Not sure what I should do next and I feel like I ******** it up and now its over.
League pisses me off sometimes. Kinda have like a love and hate relationship with this game.

» O4/17/15

❥ Kinda slightly annoyed right now. Apparently I was somehow randomly chosen out of all the students in my school to do this test. I have no idea why I was chosen and what the hell the test is about. We're gonna get ranked based on what my get on it too which is kinda like what the ********.. I mean out of all people I'm picked? I'm not even popular at my school. I don't outshine anyone. I'm not noticeable. I'm pretty much just in the dark. My grades aren't that good either. My friend got picked too, but I totally understand why. She has better grades than me. Shes popular and outgoing. Shes better than me in so many ways. Plus there's a bunch of other people that got chosen and his name is on there. I don't even know how I felt when I saw his name and then mine. That's kinda all I noticed. Our names. I can't wait to ******** this test up and then be humiliated because of my low a** ranking. Thanks school. So ******** great.
I think all I'm waiting is for the pain to go away when I hear or see your name. I kinda hoped to much today too. Nothing happened. I got ahead of myself. Can't tell if I regret my feelings or if they just happened and it wasn't my fault.
Okay, now that was totally all my fault. That was stupid of me and I shouldn't have done that. Why Mel, why???

» O4/16/15

❥ I feel so annoyed and it's over something really ******** stupid. I shouldn't even care but man am I really sjfhajkdhakljghsekhg right now.
I think this year I've been the most unproductive I've ever been in school. Next year I for sure gotta step up my game or I'm screwed. I'm worried though. I don't know what I want to be when I'm older. I don't know what career I want to have. All I know is I want to be out of this place with money and probably with lots of it. Plus, I just wanna be a good parent.
I've always been the lonely one in school. I don't have much friends and the friends that I have right now, I can't even tell them anything. Even if I need to rant I can't rant because they don't care. I'm so ******** sure that they know how rough my life is but they just act like it's a joke. I don't have friends to go to the movies with, I don't have friends to go shopping with, I don't have friends to even talk to about league. I don't have anything to talk to them about other than school. Even today they were talking about kpop and everything related to it and I was just sitting their like a ghost. Like I didn't even exist. I felt so unneeded in that moment. I suck at making new friends too. I'm ******** anti-social and I hate people. I think what really sucks and hurts for me is how people in real life have friends who they tell every single thing to, but I can't even tell my friends my biggest nightmare and my biggest struggle.

» O4/13/15

❥ I have no idea how I made it through today. I cried so much last night and barely got any sleep. Then I started thinking about all these scenarios of what would happen the next day. My thoughts were so bad at that time to a point where I just laid there on my bed with swollen eyes and falling tears. When I woke up my eyes were puffy and you could tell straight away that something probably happened to me to look like how I was. All I wanted was to sleep though. I didn't want to get ready for school. My eyes were closed the entire time until I washed my face. It was pretty sad because when I got to school I felt like I shouldn't have even been there. It was like I was suppose to be anywhere else but school and home. Like I should have been wondering around on the street or in a park or a bridge. My friends could tell that I wasn't exactly fine. No one cared though. That's always how it is. They don't care, they don't ask. They just know and leave me alone. I don't want to be alone though. I want someone. Someone who really cares enough to just hold me and stay by my side. Someone who I can just tell everything to and they would just listen. Someone who just loves me even though I'm a complete and utter mess.
You saw me. Saw me in my worst possible state and probably didn't care. You said hi though. I didn't. I didn't because I didn't care anymore. I was done. Really done. Done with people, done with you. Done with everyone and everything I could possibly think of. It didn't matter anymore. Because I'm gone and you were never really here to begin with.

» O4/1O/15

❥ Another one on the same ******** day because right now all I know is that I need to get these feelings out before I ******** die. I'm literally so ******** angry and upset to a point where im crying and hyperventilating. I don't know when I'm gonna stop but I feel like I'm gonna be crying for hours and now is not the time because I need to go to sleep soon. Holy ******** hell though. Nothing is probably gonna make me feel better and right now I feel like I need someone to save me before I totally collapse. I haven't cried like this for so long. I am breaking down right now. I'm falling apart. This ******** family sucks I am done. I'm ******** done. Done with all their s**t. Leave me the ******** alone. I didn't do s**t to you people. This ******** feels like hell.

» O4/O9/15

❥ It's probably my fault for letting go. For not trying to show you that I cared so much to a point where it hurt me. It hurt me so much to think of everything I could have done, but it's too late. It's too late to go back, and all I can do now is regret my decisions. Regret the choices I should have took instead of waiting for you to come to me. Why do I always love people who are never really mines to begin with. Are you Mine?
I wish I never ended up like this. It's hard to say if I chose to be like this or it just ended up happening. It's just so difficult. I don't think I have hope in getting better. I'm just breathing. I'm just wasting my time so the days go by faster until the day comes where something actually matters. It's tiring and I'm beyond exhausted. I don't want to exist anymore. I haven't for a long time.
My family is so ******** up that I think it's one of the reasons why I'm so done with this house. This place that I'm suppose to call home. It sure as hell doesn't feel like home. My heart is somewhere else and so is my mind. Every single day it's just negative comments from everyone. No one ******** cares if I'm hurt because I'm just a punching bag for them to let their anger out on.

» O4/O9/15

❥ So I was unproductive like always for two straight days and now I'm just freaking out. Holy s**t, I'm totally not gonna be able to finish all this homework and prepare for my two tests on Wednesday. Plus the online course I'm taking is due in like two months and I've barely done anything. People were saying how it was easy so I didn't bother, but now I totally regret taking it. Totally regret trusting my friend when she said we'd do it together. Look at us now, I don't even know if she's in the ******** course anymore. This is all my fault, everything is. How the hell do people juggle school, social life and mental health? Seems so impossible for me.

» O4/O5/15

❥ Omfg, almost started crying in the car because I was so annoyed with school. Nothing but s**t and more stressful for peoples lives. You teach us to make us smart. More like ******** fail. I think this is the first time my dad has even bothered to ask me if I'm okay. I just shrugged my shoulders cause it's not like he gives a s**t about me. And even if I'm not okay how the hell do I tell him that? How do I tell anyone that? Face to face that's like facing hell. At least I learned the meaning of darkness visible. Explains how my life has been in just two ******** words. Tbh, I think what hurts the most is knowing that you're in pain and trying to cope with it by yourself. Knowing that feeling like you don't want to live kills you inside every second of the day. Knowing that soon you're just gonna ******** break and everyone around you is going to be too late. They can't save you anymore.

» O4/O1/15

❥ I think today really does suck. I kinda want to cry but I'm sure that's not gonna happen. I feel like I'm close to it though. Like on the verge of it. If something big happens, it'll probably set me off. I'm so annoyed with everything. School and people mainly. Today I actually realized how lonely I am. When it comes down to everything in my life I really do have no one. Even though I decided to confide to a friend today and hint at how I literally really do have no friends, it doesn't matter. I know she cares, but she doesn't enough to tell me that she'll always be here for me. I know that's never gonna happen. I'm just trying to make it through school I guess. I feel like things are getting really bad again. To a point where I don't want to live. That nothing matters. No ones really asked me if I'm okay, but fake smiles are so easily used to fool others. Then again even if I'm not smiling, even if I'm crying its not like I exist to the people around me. Like everyone says, people care when its too ******** late. This is so difficult for me. Everyday just feels like a chore. Like I just barely have the strength to get up and move. I don't feel like I'm living my life. I don't feel like I'm happy. I lost. I think it's over and I lost.

» O3/31/15

❥ You didn't stop me from leaving knowing that I was going to, and maybe that was all I needed. Maybe it was all I needed to know that my feelings were useless ,and I didn't matter as much as I thought I did to you. Maybe this confirmation was what finally got through to me. I wasn't lying when I said I was gonna leave. Maybe you didn't believe me. Who the ******** knows anymore lol.
Didn't do my homework at free block so now I have to do it at home. Probably just gonna end up watching kdramas and not doing it though. Saw my brothers prom proposal video and honestly congratulations to him because I've never seen him do anything like that. Anyways, I'm so disappointed right now. So ******** disappointed to a point where I feel like I wasted my entire feelings on absolutely nothing. At least it didn't get to a point where I regret it right?
Tbh, I'm kinda confused as to who my friends are. I feel like I don't have anyone and it seems like that's true. And like I said before the only person who I can actually confide to doesn't live anywhere near me and our age difference is pretty big. Well not really but still. I just find it amazing how were able to connect to each other no matter how far we are away from each other, and how our age difference doesn't effect us. If only I had a friend like that in real life though lololol.

» O3/30/15

❥ Was unproductive the entire week. It's okay though, I have a free block. I'll finish all the homework during that time. I'm so desperate to watch this one movie. Hopefully it comes out on the internet soon. Kinda annoyed right now. Was feeling fine but now I feel disappointed. I don't know the reason why, but I have a slight feeling of what might be causing it. The problem is I can't fix it so it probably won't go away for a while. I hate this feeling. I get it every ******** time its about you.

» O3/29/15

❥ TGIF, DIDN'T NEED TO WORRY AT ALL. Overall, today was weird, okay, and a s**t ton of other things. It was better than most days though. Now time to spend the rest of my day watching movies and stuff. YES.

» O3/27/15

❥ Holy hell, that ending was pretty ******** awesome. It was so sweet to a point where I started crying happy tears. It feels good because I haven't done so in so long. Now that is what you also call love.
I'm pretty sure that if you didn't say hi, I wouldn't have either. Then we would have just walked past each other without a word. I was neverous though. That eye contact was hella strong. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to say hi first or you. And that's it. That's all that happened.
Honesty, I'm so happy that every step of the way, shes there for me. Even when I can't talk to anyone I can tell her how I feel without feeling guilty. It's just really great, and I thank her so much for being by my side.

» O3/26/15

❥ This day was pretty ******** ridiculous.

» O3/25/15

❥ So it wasn't my friends who were first to notice that I deactivated my Facebook, but it was him who noticed. He actually was the only person who asked me what happened and why. Did my answer make me sound desperate? I don't know and like always I'm regretting what I said. Thinking I should have said this instead of that. I can't tell if I should be happy or not and have my hopes up high. It's kind of difficult. He said he'd talk to me but I called him a liar. Was that also rude? Holy ********, I don't know. Should I reactivate my account? Don't know about that either. The last time we had talked was before spring break. He never said a word to me during that time and now its just 'Hey I exist again and I'll talk to you again and everything.' I was totally done with it too, I mean I didn't even bother to remember anything about him and the feelings I had. But now it's gotta come rolling back to me just because of a little conversation we had after school. Ugh, this can really go either way.

» O3/24/15

❥ FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AND I THINK IT IS OFFICIAL TO SAY I HAVE NO FRIENDS WHATSOEVER. Except for that one person who lives ******** approximately 1,7OO miles away from me. But yea I didn't even talk to this one friend who I had class with and saw. And then my closer friend, we didn't exchange more than probably two sentences. I've lost touch with them all and maybe that's why. Then again, they never even bothered to message me or anything over spring break. On that note, I deactivated my Facebook because no one on there is important to me, and no one bothers to talk to me. So pretty much, it's useless. I think the only person I actually talk to and have a conversation with is Linda. Online and offline. Thanks phone and wifi for doing your job. Maybe that's all I need. But honestly, it would be really ******** nice to be able to go out with a group of friends who I'm actually close with and everything. I don't think that'll ever happen though. I suck at making friends and everyone at my school I pretty much hate. Am I making my life harder? No, it actually does suck ha.

» O3/23/15

❥ Help, help, help.
Someone please.
Jk, I'll just sit here and cry.
Thanks though.
Friends ******** suck.
Looks like I found the answer.
Been procrastinating for the entire last three days and ended up doing nothing like always. God this is so painful in my head, but I honestly don't give a s**t because listening to music and watching league streams is better than feeling like s**t.

» O3/22/15

❥ At least someone tried. No one really tries when it comes to me. Thank you though. Really.

s**t I needa do for the last three days of break :
1. Finish the homework I never bothered to touch.
2. Watch drama I don't want to watch or the new ones.
3. Hate my life more and more and more and more.
4. Play league and cri because people suck.
5. Cry about everything in life and so on.
6. Say hello to the stress that's gonna head my way.

» O3/19/15

❥ These past few days I've been stuck in my own bubble. I've barely been eating and I almost pull an all nighter for no damn reason at all. The thing is I'm choosing to do this to myself. It's like I deserve it. I didn't even noticed what I was doing till I was alone at 4:OOam sorting through all my thoughts while crying. It's like it finally hit me how pathetic my life is. How pathetic I am. How I'm wasting all my time wishing for a future to come to me because I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get through this. The darkness just grows and slowly it's swallowing me alive. I honestly have no idea what to do. I'm really ******** lost. Lost in finding an angel when all there really is are demons. Maybe I'm looking for a fallen angel instead. Because they've been there. Been through what I have and maybe they'll guide me to the right one. I'm so ******** up it's scary. It's like things would be better if I just didn't exist. I feel like dying. I feel like nothing really matters anymore.
So my mom first took my money and still has yet to give it back to me. I don't want to ask her for it back because I know there's a chance she'll get bitchy and tell me that she used it to buy me clothes. That's what she'd always do. Take it and tell me she'll give it back. To trust in her. But how do I ******** trust her when it's the same thing over and over? Then she asks me to give her my wallet because she wants to show it to her friend who wants to buy the same kind. I gave it to her because it seemed like nothing bad would happen. Then the one and only key chain I got my from my friend was on it and she lost it. She ******** lost it. It was an eiffel tower and sand glass key chain that my friend got for my birthday and now it's ******** gone. The one and only nice gesture my friend ever did for me and now it's just ******** gone.

» O3/14/15

❥ I have been devoting my life to finishing this 5OO piece puzzle these past two days. Decided that I needed something to do to get me off the computer and remembered that there was still another puzzle to do. Almost close to being done. I'm actually satisfied with myself. Either gonna be done with it by today or tomorrow. A part of me is procrastinating.

» O3/1O/15

❥ Today's one of those days where league is just ******** frustrating no matter what. Why do people choose to be stupid? This society is ******** up. Nevermind, it's people who make it ******** up.

» O3/O8/15

❥ I don't even know how to describe today. It was relieving to finally have spring break come, but I felt annoyed with most people. Mainly friends. I am most likely not even gonna see any of them for the next two weeks, but it doesn't seem to matter to them. I'm most likely not gonna talk to them for the next two weeks, and that probably doesn't matter to them. I think to my friends I'm just a person that's there. A person they run to when they don't have anyone else. A person they don't really care about. I'm just ******** there. It's pretty funny because when I got home I cried. It wasn't a total break down. I think I was just sad. Probably over stupid s**t. My phone doesn't work since my mom is so ******** complicated and for some reason doesn't want to pay the phone company. Spent the entire rest of the day watching kdrama because that's the only thing that actually makes me feel happy and forget about life. Most likely gonna spend the rest of spring break being unproductive because that's what I do, be unproductive.

» O3/O6/15

❥ Still confused. Still really ******** confused.

» O3/O5/15

❥ Today just sucks. Woke up with a hella bad headache and I still have it. I think I just felt annoyed the entire day and tried my best to avoid everyone. Procrastinating instead of studying for my science test tomorrow. Just two more days Mel, you can do this.
Of course you only started talking to me because it was about school. It's funny because we haven't said anything meaningful to each other since like a month ago or two. I don't know what to say. Just when I was starting to forget my feelings. Ha, ok.

» O3/O4/15

❥ It all makes sense now. It all makes ******** sense. Hell unleashed today right from the morning and probably till now for me. I woke up by myself. Dad was still in bed for some ******** reason, so I just go downstairs to make food by myself. Then my brother wakes up and I go tell my older brother to wake up. Then my dad comes downstairs asking where my mom is and I tell him that she's in her room. Then he starts ******** yelling, saying that she wants to kick him out of the house and that she doesn't want to live here anymore and how stupid and irresponsible of a mother she is. I started crying. I couldn't ******** help it, I had to cry in that moment. Is this it? The time where my family breaks? Then my dad drove me to school and he continued talking, saying how we should be prepared if more s**t happens. He even told us why he went out the entire day yesterday and it all made sense. It all made ******** sense. I cried again and then literally almost burst into tears in math class. Holy ******** it was so close. At break time, I couldn't hold it in anymore. The dam breaks and tears are running down my face. The only thing my friends do is ask if I'm okay. They don't ******** bother to comfort me, they don't do s**t. They see me cry and leave me like that. It's like I don't exist during that period of time while I'm crying. It hurt so much. The feelings I had, the pain, everything. For once I didn't want to go home. To be at some other place than home. I didn't feel safe, I felt scared and angry. I stopped crying like 3Omins later, but still felt like s**t. English class came and the only thing I was happy about was that I passed the test and got one of the highest marks. It wasn't good, but I passed and that was all that mattered to me. Class ended and my dad picked me up. He's been acting all cheerful trying to lighten up the mood. What the ********? Why are you acting like nothing happened? Honestly, in the morning I wanted to tell him to ******** off. He and my mom can do whatever they want, but if it's going to effect me and my brothers then do what's best for us. I don't want any family problems, I don't care if you guys get divorced. Do what's best for me and my brothers. I felt cheated. I felt confused. I didn't know who to trust. Everything just hurt. Thinking about the chaos that would happen. What would happen if my parents got divorced. I know this isn't the first time that something like this has happened. It wasn't any different from back then. My dad got arrested by the cops. Mom cried every ******** day. Only saw dad like once awhile till he moved back in again. I remember it all. I don't want the same thing to happen. It totally makes sense now why on my personal records it says I only live with my mom and not my dad. This is just ******** hell. It feels like one ******** sad thing after another. I can't handle all this s**t. Why can't my family be happy. Why can't we go on vacations together. Why can't we be a family? This is hurting me so much.

» O3/O2/15

❥ Weekend was pretty ******** up. Today was definitely weird though. I swear to god our family has so many ******** problems. I have no idea why my mom is pissed off. My dad just got home and that's the first time I've seen him all day. Shes pissed off again. What the ******** man. I don't even know what's going on but nothing seems right. Didn't do any homework because I suck at Mandarin and don't know how to write this s**t. Ugh, today was just one of those days were everything just seems to suck. One more week till break. I can do this.

» O3/O1/15

❥ So tired, still am. Got home from school and fell asleep. I hate naps, but I was so tired so I was like ******** it. Still waiting for a drama episode to finish putting in subtitles. Hopefully it'll be done by tomorrow because I really wanna watch it. Today was okay. It was definitely better than yesterday though. I don't think I would have been able seeing you go through the same thing I did. I would have been way too sad and everything. Thanks for being so sincere though. You're the only friend who I know actually cares about everything that happens to me. I hope you know that I think you're the best person ever, and hopefully you feel better because you don't deserve to be upset over people we are assholes to you.

» O2/27/15


Mel ; Depressed- Suffocating & Exhausting Life. My thoughts are negative and dangerous. I like to blog or write w/e you prefer.
♥ ;

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I don't want to be sad anymore.


Dear Leah,
I miss you. After all this time.
I actually couldn't forget you.
I've cried so many times. Why do I ?
You gave me so much to remember.
You and the others were so special
to me. You guys always made my day.
I just couldn't wait to come home
and get on to see you guys.

I miss us. All of us. Forever.
Sincerely, Me.