❥ I cry when my favorite league streamers stop streaming.. I need to get a life.
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School sucks. School is hell. School needs to be lit on fire and burned down to the ground.

» O4/23/15

❥ I have this really bad feeling that soon we're gonna have no time for each other and we'll be going our separate ways. I'm scared. I don't want this to happen, but maybe I really should let go of you. You've been doing great and maybe our age difference just had to be. I hope that doesn't happen till a long time though.
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I need to stop thinking about everything. I need to stop thinking about things that make me scared and upset.

» O4/22/15

❥ I don't know what to say. All I know is I'm not happy and things are getting worse. Each year it gets worse.

» O4/21/15

❥ Honestly, it felt kinda nice letting everything out. It's usually through journals but I decided to make a little progress today and do it in real life. Also talked about my guy problems to someone other than my friend. The last time I ever told anyone about him was a long time ago. Now I just need to do it everyday and get use to the feeling that some's listening this time. Right now I feel kinda stuck though. Not sure what I should do next and I feel like I ******** it up and now its over.
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League pisses me off sometimes. Kinda have like a love and hate relationship with this game.

» O4/17/15

❥ Kinda slightly annoyed right now. Apparently I was somehow randomly chosen out of all the students in my school to do this test. I have no idea why I was chosen and what the hell the test is about. We're gonna get ranked based on what my get on it too which is kinda like what the ********.. I mean out of all people I'm picked? I'm not even popular at my school. I don't outshine anyone. I'm not noticeable. I'm pretty much just in the dark. My grades aren't that good either. My friend got picked too, but I totally understand why. She has better grades than me. Shes popular and outgoing. Shes better than me in so many ways. Plus there's a bunch of other people that got chosen and his name is on there. I don't even know how I felt when I saw his name and then mine. That's kinda all I noticed. Our names. I can't wait to ******** this test up and then be humiliated because of my low a** ranking. Thanks school. So ******** great.
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I think all I'm waiting is for the pain to go away when I hear or see your name. I kinda hoped to much today too. Nothing happened. I got ahead of myself. Can't tell if I regret my feelings or if they just happened and it wasn't my fault.
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Okay, now that was totally all my fault. That was stupid of me and I shouldn't have done that. Why Mel, why???

» O4/16/15

❥ I feel so annoyed and it's over something really ******** stupid. I shouldn't even care but man am I really sjfhajkdhakljghsekhg right now.
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I think this year I've been the most unproductive I've ever been in school. Next year I for sure gotta step up my game or I'm screwed. I'm worried though. I don't know what I want to be when I'm older. I don't know what career I want to have. All I know is I want to be out of this place with money and probably with lots of it. Plus, I just wanna be a good parent.
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I've always been the lonely one in school. I don't have much friends and the friends that I have right now, I can't even tell them anything. Even if I need to rant I can't rant because they don't care. I'm so ******** sure that they know how rough my life is but they just act like it's a joke. I don't have friends to go to the movies with, I don't have friends to go shopping with, I don't have friends to even talk to about league. I don't have anything to talk to them about other than school. Even today they were talking about kpop and everything related to it and I was just sitting their like a ghost. Like I didn't even exist. I felt so unneeded in that moment. I suck at making new friends too. I'm ******** anti-social and I hate people. I think what really sucks and hurts for me is how people in real life have friends who they tell every single thing to, but I can't even tell my friends my biggest nightmare and my biggest struggle.

» O4/13/15

❥ I have no idea how I made it through today. I cried so much last night and barely got any sleep. Then I started thinking about all these scenarios of what would happen the next day. My thoughts were so bad at that time to a point where I just laid there on my bed with swollen eyes and falling tears. When I woke up my eyes were puffy and you could tell straight away that something probably happened to me to look like how I was. All I wanted was to sleep though. I didn't want to get ready for school. My eyes were closed the entire time until I washed my face. It was pretty sad because when I got to school I felt like I shouldn't have even been there. It was like I was suppose to be anywhere else but school and home. Like I should have been wondering around on the street or in a park or a bridge. My friends could tell that I wasn't exactly fine. No one cared though. That's always how it is. They don't care, they don't ask. They just know and leave me alone. I don't want to be alone though. I want someone. Someone who really cares enough to just hold me and stay by my side. Someone who I can just tell everything to and they would just listen. Someone who just loves me even though I'm a complete and utter mess.
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You saw me. Saw me in my worst possible state and probably didn't care. You said hi though. I didn't. I didn't because I didn't care anymore. I was done. Really done. Done with people, done with you. Done with everyone and everything I could possibly think of. It didn't matter anymore. Because I'm gone and you were never really here to begin with.

» O4/1O/15

❥ Another one on the same ******** day because right now all I know is that I need to get these feelings out before I ******** die. I'm literally so ******** angry and upset to a point where im crying and hyperventilating. I don't know when I'm gonna stop but I feel like I'm gonna be crying for hours and now is not the time because I need to go to sleep soon. Holy ******** hell though. Nothing is probably gonna make me feel better and right now I feel like I need someone to save me before I totally collapse. I haven't cried like this for so long. I am breaking down right now. I'm falling apart. This ******** family sucks I am done. I'm ******** done. Done with all their s**t. Leave me the ******** alone. I didn't do s**t to you people. This ******** feels like hell.

» O4/O9/15

❥ It's probably my fault for letting go. For not trying to show you that I cared so much to a point where it hurt me. It hurt me so much to think of everything I could have done, but it's too late. It's too late to go back, and all I can do now is regret my decisions. Regret the choices I should have took instead of waiting for you to come to me. Why do I always love people who are never really mines to begin with. Are you Mine?
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I wish I never ended up like this. It's hard to say if I chose to be like this or it just ended up happening. It's just so difficult. I don't think I have hope in getting better. I'm just breathing. I'm just wasting my time so the days go by faster until the day comes where something actually matters. It's tiring and I'm beyond exhausted. I don't want to exist anymore. I haven't for a long time.
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My family is so ******** up that I think it's one of the reasons why I'm so done with this house. This place that I'm suppose to call home. It sure as hell doesn't feel like home. My heart is somewhere else and so is my mind. Every single day it's just negative comments from everyone. No one ******** cares if I'm hurt because I'm just a punching bag for them to let their anger out on.

» O4/O9/15

❥ So I was unproductive like always for two straight days and now I'm just freaking out. Holy s**t, I'm totally not gonna be able to finish all this homework and prepare for my two tests on Wednesday. Plus the online course I'm taking is due in like two months and I've barely done anything. People were saying how it was easy so I didn't bother, but now I totally regret taking it. Totally regret trusting my friend when she said we'd do it together. Look at us now, I don't even know if she's in the ******** course anymore. This is all my fault, everything is. How the hell do people juggle school, social life and mental health? Seems so impossible for me.

» O4/O5/15

❥ Omfg, almost started crying in the car because I was so annoyed with school. Nothing but s**t and more stressful for peoples lives. You teach us to make us smart. More like ******** fail. I think this is the first time my dad has even bothered to ask me if I'm okay. I just shrugged my shoulders cause it's not like he gives a s**t about me. And even if I'm not okay how the hell do I tell him that? How do I tell anyone that? Face to face that's like facing hell. At least I learned the meaning of darkness visible. Explains how my life has been in just two ******** words. Tbh, I think what hurts the most is knowing that you're in pain and trying to cope with it by yourself. Knowing that feeling like you don't want to live kills you inside every second of the day. Knowing that soon you're just gonna ******** break and everyone around you is going to be too late. They can't save you anymore.

» O4/O1/15

❥ I think today really does suck. I kinda want to cry but I'm sure that's not gonna happen. I feel like I'm close to it though. Like on the verge of it. If something big happens, it'll probably set me off. I'm so annoyed with everything. School and people mainly. Today I actually realized how lonely I am. When it comes down to everything in my life I really do have no one. Even though I decided to confide to a friend today and hint at how I literally really do have no friends, it doesn't matter. I know she cares, but she doesn't enough to tell me that she'll always be here for me. I know that's never gonna happen. I'm just trying to make it through school I guess. I feel like things are getting really bad again. To a point where I don't want to live. That nothing matters. No ones really asked me if I'm okay, but fake smiles are so easily used to fool others. Then again even if I'm not smiling, even if I'm crying its not like I exist to the people around me. Like everyone says, people care when its too ******** late. This is so difficult for me. Everyday just feels like a chore. Like I just barely have the strength to get up and move. I don't feel like I'm living my life. I don't feel like I'm happy. I lost. I think it's over and I lost.

» O3/31/15

❥ You didn't stop me from leaving knowing that I was going to, and maybe that was all I needed. Maybe it was all I needed to know that my feelings were useless ,and I didn't matter as much as I thought I did to you. Maybe this confirmation was what finally got through to me. I wasn't lying when I said I was gonna leave. Maybe you didn't believe me. Who the ******** knows anymore lol.
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Didn't do my homework at free block so now I have to do it at home. Probably just gonna end up watching kdramas and not doing it though. Saw my brothers prom proposal video and honestly congratulations to him because I've never seen him do anything like that. Anyways, I'm so disappointed right now. So ******** disappointed to a point where I feel like I wasted my entire feelings on absolutely nothing. At least it didn't get to a point where I regret it right?
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Tbh, I'm kinda confused as to who my friends are. I feel like I don't have anyone and it seems like that's true. And like I said before the only person who I can actually confide to doesn't live anywhere near me and our age difference is pretty big. Well not really but still. I just find it amazing how were able to connect to each other no matter how far we are away from each other, and how our age difference doesn't effect us. If only I had a friend like that in real life though lololol.

» O3/30/15

❥ Was unproductive the entire week. It's okay though, I have a free block. I'll finish all the homework during that time. I'm so desperate to watch this one movie. Hopefully it comes out on the internet soon. Kinda annoyed right now. Was feeling fine but now I feel disappointed. I don't know the reason why, but I have a slight feeling of what might be causing it. The problem is I can't fix it so it probably won't go away for a while. I hate this feeling. I get it every ******** time its about you.

» O3/29/15

❥ TGIF, DIDN'T NEED TO WORRY AT ALL. Overall, today was weird, okay, and a s**t ton of other things. It was better than most days though. Now time to spend the rest of my day watching movies and stuff. YES.

» O3/27/15

❥ Holy hell, that ending was pretty ******** awesome. It was so sweet to a point where I started crying happy tears. It feels good because I haven't done so in so long. Now that is what you also call love.
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I'm pretty sure that if you didn't say hi, I wouldn't have either. Then we would have just walked past each other without a word. I was neverous though. That eye contact was hella strong. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to say hi first or you. And that's it. That's all that happened.
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Honesty, I'm so happy that every step of the way, shes there for me. Even when I can't talk to anyone I can tell her how I feel without feeling guilty. It's just really great, and I thank her so much for being by my side.

» O3/26/15

❥ This day was pretty ******** ridiculous.
GG, RIP MY LIFE.

» O3/25/15

❥ So it wasn't my friends who were first to notice that I deactivated my Facebook, but it was him who noticed. He actually was the only person who asked me what happened and why. Did my answer make me sound desperate? I don't know and like always I'm regretting what I said. Thinking I should have said this instead of that. I can't tell if I should be happy or not and have my hopes up high. It's kind of difficult. He said he'd talk to me but I called him a liar. Was that also rude? Holy ********, I don't know. Should I reactivate my account? Don't know about that either. The last time we had talked was before spring break. He never said a word to me during that time and now its just 'Hey I exist again and I'll talk to you again and everything.' I was totally done with it too, I mean I didn't even bother to remember anything about him and the feelings I had. But now it's gotta come rolling back to me just because of a little conversation we had after school. Ugh, this can really go either way.

» O3/24/15

❥ FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AND I THINK IT IS OFFICIAL TO SAY I HAVE NO FRIENDS WHATSOEVER. Except for that one person who lives ******** approximately 1,7OO miles away from me. But yea I didn't even talk to this one friend who I had class with and saw. And then my closer friend, we didn't exchange more than probably two sentences. I've lost touch with them all and maybe that's why. Then again, they never even bothered to message me or anything over spring break. On that note, I deactivated my Facebook because no one on there is important to me, and no one bothers to talk to me. So pretty much, it's useless. I think the only person I actually talk to and have a conversation with is Linda. Online and offline. Thanks phone and wifi for doing your job. Maybe that's all I need. But honestly, it would be really ******** nice to be able to go out with a group of friends who I'm actually close with and everything. I don't think that'll ever happen though. I suck at making friends and everyone at my school I pretty much hate. Am I making my life harder? No, it actually does suck ha.

» O3/23/15

❥ Help, help, help.
Someone please.
Jk, I'll just sit here and cry.
Thanks though.
Friends ******** suck.
Looks like I found the answer.
YES.
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Been procrastinating for the entire last three days and ended up doing nothing like always. God this is so painful in my head, but I honestly don't give a s**t because listening to music and watching league streams is better than feeling like s**t.

» O3/22/15

❥ At least someone tried. No one really tries when it comes to me. Thank you though. Really.

s**t I needa do for the last three days of break :
1. Finish the homework I never bothered to touch.
2. Watch drama I don't want to watch or the new ones.
3. Hate my life more and more and more and more.
4. Play league and cri because people suck.
5. Cry about everything in life and so on.
6. Say hello to the stress that's gonna head my way.

» O3/19/15

❥ These past few days I've been stuck in my own bubble. I've barely been eating and I almost pull an all nighter for no damn reason at all. The thing is I'm choosing to do this to myself. It's like I deserve it. I didn't even noticed what I was doing till I was alone at 4:OOam sorting through all my thoughts while crying. It's like it finally hit me how pathetic my life is. How pathetic I am. How I'm wasting all my time wishing for a future to come to me because I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get through this. The darkness just grows and slowly it's swallowing me alive. I honestly have no idea what to do. I'm really ******** lost. Lost in finding an angel when all there really is are demons. Maybe I'm looking for a fallen angel instead. Because they've been there. Been through what I have and maybe they'll guide me to the right one. I'm so ******** up it's scary. It's like things would be better if I just didn't exist. I feel like dying. I feel like nothing really matters anymore.
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So my mom first took my money and still has yet to give it back to me. I don't want to ask her for it back because I know there's a chance she'll get bitchy and tell me that she used it to buy me clothes. That's what she'd always do. Take it and tell me she'll give it back. To trust in her. But how do I ******** trust her when it's the same thing over and over? Then she asks me to give her my wallet because she wants to show it to her friend who wants to buy the same kind. I gave it to her because it seemed like nothing bad would happen. Then the one and only key chain I got my from my friend was on it and she lost it. She ******** lost it. It was an eiffel tower and sand glass key chain that my friend got for my birthday and now it's ******** gone. The one and only nice gesture my friend ever did for me and now it's just ******** gone.

» O3/14/15

❥ I have been devoting my life to finishing this 5OO piece puzzle these past two days. Decided that I needed something to do to get me off the computer and remembered that there was still another puzzle to do. Almost close to being done. I'm actually satisfied with myself. Either gonna be done with it by today or tomorrow. A part of me is procrastinating.

» O3/1O/15

❥ Today's one of those days where league is just ******** frustrating no matter what. Why do people choose to be stupid? This society is ******** up. Nevermind, it's people who make it ******** up.

» O3/O8/15

❥ I don't even know how to describe today. It was relieving to finally have spring break come, but I felt annoyed with most people. Mainly friends. I am most likely not even gonna see any of them for the next two weeks, but it doesn't seem to matter to them. I'm most likely not gonna talk to them for the next two weeks, and that probably doesn't matter to them. I think to my friends I'm just a person that's there. A person they run to when they don't have anyone else. A person they don't really care about. I'm just ******** there. It's pretty funny because when I got home I cried. It wasn't a total break down. I think I was just sad. Probably over stupid s**t. My phone doesn't work since my mom is so ******** complicated and for some reason doesn't want to pay the phone company. Spent the entire rest of the day watching kdrama because that's the only thing that actually makes me feel happy and forget about life. Most likely gonna spend the rest of spring break being unproductive because that's what I do, be unproductive.

» O3/O6/15

❥ Still confused. Still really ******** confused.

» O3/O5/15

❥ Today just sucks. Woke up with a hella bad headache and I still have it. I think I just felt annoyed the entire day and tried my best to avoid everyone. Procrastinating instead of studying for my science test tomorrow. Just two more days Mel, you can do this.
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Of course you only started talking to me because it was about school. It's funny because we haven't said anything meaningful to each other since like a month ago or two. I don't know what to say. Just when I was starting to forget my feelings. Ha, ok.

» O3/O4/15

❥ It all makes sense now. It all makes ******** sense. Hell unleashed today right from the morning and probably till now for me. I woke up by myself. Dad was still in bed for some ******** reason, so I just go downstairs to make food by myself. Then my brother wakes up and I go tell my older brother to wake up. Then my dad comes downstairs asking where my mom is and I tell him that she's in her room. Then he starts ******** yelling, saying that she wants to kick him out of the house and that she doesn't want to live here anymore and how stupid and irresponsible of a mother she is. I started crying. I couldn't ******** help it, I had to cry in that moment. Is this it? The time where my family breaks? Then my dad drove me to school and he continued talking, saying how we should be prepared if more s**t happens. He even told us why he went out the entire day yesterday and it all made sense. It all made ******** sense. I cried again and then literally almost burst into tears in math class. Holy ******** it was so close. At break time, I couldn't hold it in anymore. The dam breaks and tears are running down my face. The only thing my friends do is ask if I'm okay. They don't ******** bother to comfort me, they don't do s**t. They see me cry and leave me like that. It's like I don't exist during that period of time while I'm crying. It hurt so much. The feelings I had, the pain, everything. For once I didn't want to go home. To be at some other place than home. I didn't feel safe, I felt scared and angry. I stopped crying like 3Omins later, but still felt like s**t. English class came and the only thing I was happy about was that I passed the test and got one of the highest marks. It wasn't good, but I passed and that was all that mattered to me. Class ended and my dad picked me up. He's been acting all cheerful trying to lighten up the mood. What the ********? Why are you acting like nothing happened? Honestly, in the morning I wanted to tell him to ******** off. He and my mom can do whatever they want, but if it's going to effect me and my brothers then do what's best for us. I don't want any family problems, I don't care if you guys get divorced. Do what's best for me and my brothers. I felt cheated. I felt confused. I didn't know who to trust. Everything just hurt. Thinking about the chaos that would happen. What would happen if my parents got divorced. I know this isn't the first time that something like this has happened. It wasn't any different from back then. My dad got arrested by the cops. Mom cried every ******** day. Only saw dad like once awhile till he moved back in again. I remember it all. I don't want the same thing to happen. It totally makes sense now why on my personal records it says I only live with my mom and not my dad. This is just ******** hell. It feels like one ******** sad thing after another. I can't handle all this s**t. Why can't my family be happy. Why can't we go on vacations together. Why can't we be a family? This is hurting me so much.

» O3/O2/15

❥ Weekend was pretty ******** up. Today was definitely weird though. I swear to god our family has so many ******** problems. I have no idea why my mom is pissed off. My dad just got home and that's the first time I've seen him all day. Shes pissed off again. What the ******** man. I don't even know what's going on but nothing seems right. Didn't do any homework because I suck at Mandarin and don't know how to write this s**t. Ugh, today was just one of those days were everything just seems to suck. One more week till break. I can do this.

» O3/O1/15

❥ So tired, still am. Got home from school and fell asleep. I hate naps, but I was so tired so I was like ******** it. Still waiting for a drama episode to finish putting in subtitles. Hopefully it'll be done by tomorrow because I really wanna watch it. Today was okay. It was definitely better than yesterday though. I don't think I would have been able seeing you go through the same thing I did. I would have been way too sad and everything. Thanks for being so sincere though. You're the only friend who I know actually cares about everything that happens to me. I hope you know that I think you're the best person ever, and hopefully you feel better because you don't deserve to be upset over people we are assholes to you.

» O2/27/15

❥ Cried way too much at school today. Probably because of all the built up stress and anger. I'm literally so ******** close to failing my math class. I put in so much effort to actually try and do good on the mid exam but ended up getting a shitty mark. Only ******** cried because I know report cards are coming soon and once my dad sees my math mark he'll be so angry with me. Something I always tried to avoid. I'm just so ******** scared. Scared that he'll yell at me and tell me why I'm such a bad daughter. Why I don't do s**t except sit on the computer. I don't want to have to go through that again. I don't want to argue with him, I don't want to feel like I shouldn't exist because of him. It's just so hard. I just knew so bad what would happen. I could imagine how it would play out. What sucks is my friends also ended up seeing me cry and they didn't help one bit. I just felt worse and nothing was helping. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. I was so negative and upset with everything. Then that carried through lunch and I continued to cry for another hour. I was so angry because I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to stop crying, I really did. And then comes the English test that I couldn't study for during free block because I cried too much and couldn't focus. Holy hell, was this test not what I expected it to be. It was so ******** difficult for me because I couldn't remember s**t. I am 1OO% sure I guessed literally everything and I most likely failed it. Now my English mark is gonna go down a s**t ton and that will be another thing my dad can b***h about. This day was literally the breaking point for me. I couldn't handle all this s**t. All these feelings, just all these situations. Everything around me was spinning and all I wanted was for it to stop. I wanted so bad for my life to just end, but at the same time I also wanted someone to just ******** hug me and tell me things were gonna be okay. But of course I have no friends who would do that and no one really cares if I'm happy or not. I'm even still crying right now while I write this because all I want is for things to get better not worse.

» O2/26/15

❥ Yolo'd this math homework because I just wanted to get it done with. Pretty sure I got the answers wrong, but whatever at least I finished it right? English test tomorrow and I feel like I don't care about it. It's worth a huge percent of our grade so I don't know why I'm not nervous. Teacher should of just made it open book instead of making us take notes. Do teachers really forget how stressed teenagers get from school? Anyways it's just gonna be more rambling from me about how life sucks and how feelings are confusing as ******** and how everything sucks. Same old, same old. I'm just waiting.

» O2/25/15

❥ This is it. This is ******** it. You only go to me or talk to me when it's about school s**t. That's all you do. Ask me questions about school related things. That was all this was. You just use me. Maybe I'm wrong about all this, but it sure as hell seems like that's the only thing you come to me for. And I thought you liked me? How ******** stupid of me to think so. No wonder you walk pass me without saying hello. I mean if you're gonna say it once in front of my friends, then why can't you do it again? Why do you act like I don't exist? Why do you make me wish and hope that your gonna do unexpected things. That you'll take the time to notice me? Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out why I care so much when it comes to you. I just end up being upset and angry every time. What kind of relationship is this? Wait, are we even friends? You just confuse me so much that I start to question whether or not I'm part of your life. Whether or not I exist in it. I've even asked myself if I like you or not. I don't think I do though. I don't have hope that we'd be together in the future. Nonono, way to early for that. Maybe all I want is a best guy friend. Is there even a thing like that? Yes there is. Everyone of my friends have one except for me.
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When your dad says you're fat in front of you and your siblings. Well, thanks so ******** much. I feel so much better about my body and my self esteem just shot up so high! ******** a*****e, no wonder I don't want to live here.

» O2/24/15

❥ Watched drama for the entire day. Now to do my English notes for tomorrow. Holy ********, brownies are so delicious, and I can't stop eating them. Probably gonna end up not doing my homework though since Eye Candy is gonna be on. Things are just everywhere for me today. Mostly about people and my feelings as always.

» O2/23/15

❥ Gotta wait tomorrow for new drama episodes to come out. Procrastinating on homework and watching LCS instead. Still love TSM even though they lost. Turtle tho. Anyways, last night my little brother made me drop my phone and now there's a scratch. It's really noticeable. I was so pissed off at him, but five minutes later I ate food and I kinda was just like whatever. Maybe that's the point of life. Letting go of anger and not letting it get the best of you. Even today, that one thing that made me want to b***h, I didn't bother. At least I know I'm making decent progress a little bit at a time. Welp, time to go make myself a nutella sandwich!
P.S : Thanks for caring. You are such an amazing person.

» O2/22/15

❥ Found another new drama last night and started watching it. I actually really like it. Even though it sorta involves the main female lead being in a love triangle I don't mind. It's funny because I'm cheering for both guys at the same time and I don't know who should win.
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I swear to god, if I start cutting one day I'm not gonna even be surprised. The though of it keeps popping in my head and even thinking about killing myself is ******** sad. Every damn night these thoughts are in my mind. I'd be lying to everyone if I said I'm fine.

» O2/21/15

❥ My hopes were way too high and of course you weren't able to fulfill what I wanted you to.
Tbh, I honestly don't even know anymore. Maybe it only takes one false signal from you to making me happy.
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I should walk home more often. Especially when it's sunny and the sky's all blue. Seems like that's the only time when I feel carefree. Today was a nice day. Let's go to the park sometime, yes?

» O2/2O/15

❥ And I'm sitting here wondering if you're still gonna say hi to me just like you use to do before. Then again, maybe you'll cause the same pain in me and I'd go through the same process of asking myself why I let you back in. Why I believed that it was okay to let you play with my feelings. The process where I'd ask myself all these questions while crying at night.

» O2/19/15

❥ Ugh, are you ******** serious. Should I be happy or what? I mean if your gonna come back into my life, then please this time don't make me confused. Don't leave when my hopes were as high as the clouds in the sky, then smash them to the ground with a hammer. I don't want to be upset because of you again.
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Best thing today? Feeling so much more less stress. No homework and I have no school tomorrow so I can just chill. Ayyyy. And even after seeing that I'm even more happy. It's honestly such a great feeling to know that you still care. I love you and thanks for being the only friend who I can talk to without feeling judged and all. At the same time, I'm sorry I can't help you with all your problems. That I can't be there for you all the time when your in pain. But please live on because one day my dream is to see us meet once we're older. And even though it's only a dream, and it probably won't ever be true but please live. Please know I'm here and if you weren't I'd probably want to die along with you.
------------------------------------------------------------
It's funny how five minutes later your mind can be filled with demons and you could be wishing that somewhere in the washroom there was a razor for you to use. So damn nice to know that my feelings went from rainbows in the sky to ******** thunderstorms.

» O2/18/15

❥ Extremely tired. Exhausted even. Haven't eaten anything for like 1O hours. Decided to stay after school and get help on math since I have an exam tomorrow. I think that's the most effort I've ever put into my studies. I just hope that when I do the test, I don't end up ******** blanking out. I'm already doing bad so if I fail this then I'm screwed. Needa review everything later. Just remembered today is a Monday too.
------------------------------------------------------------
Last night, you just ended up popping into my mind. It's funny because right now I'm trying to figure out what it was about but I don't even remember. I should stop though. It's not like it mattered right?

» O2/16/15

❥ Annoying morning. Been watching LCS for the entire day and god bless TSM won even though they played so bad. Procrastination is also strong. I needa remember my lines and study for my math exam coming up soon lool.

» O2/15/15

❥ "When I grab his hands, I get a feeling of “everything is fine” starting from my hands and then spreading throughout my body. That’s a fascinating, one of a kind, “it’s okay”-telling hand."

"The things I like: high places, first snow, small hands, white blankets and that hair. The things I don't like: anything and everything that keeps me away from the things I like."

"The things I like: the sound of the camera shutter he makes, his big hands, smiling eyes and big embrace. The things I don't like: anything and everything that keeps me away from the things I like."
------------------------------------------------------------
Valentine's Day is tomorrow and is it bad that I'm sad to be alone? Ha, probably since everyone says to not whine just because you have no one. Life when is the game we are playing over?

» O2/13/15

❥ Long and tiring day. Finished my card, but not really sure if we are suppose to decorate all sides. I still have yet to study for my science test still, ugh.

» O2/11/15

❥ OMG, WATCHED EP 19 AND FINALE OF HEALER AND HOLY HELL WAS IT GOOD. I'M SO SAD IT'S OVER NOW. ASDFGHJKL, WHAT DO WHAT DO. But for realz, I can't even focus right now. I'm sad but overly excited and happy at the same time. Those suspenseful moments totally got me squealing. Best OTP of all kdramas ever!

» O2/1O/15

❥ I swear this card is gonna end up looking girly and it's gonna be real awks. I don't know what to put since it's for you. Bleh. DOIN IT FOR THE MARKS MEL DON'T WORRY.

» O2/O7/15

❥ The rain always seems to remind me of you, but at least I know I'm not the only one crying.
------------------------------------------------------------
Got a four day weekend coming up, woot. Healer is ending in a week and I'm kinda sad. Best drama series I've ever watched so far. At least I have Eye Candy to watch and another drama that I'm getting interested in. Ugh, Healer thoughhhh. Thinking about doing a 24 hour marathon once all the episodes are out. Don't know if I'd survive though lolz. This is what happens when you get attached to kdrama series. Sighhhh.

» O2/O5/15

❥ Because the way I look at the world is filled with galaxies and planets, but the way the world looks at me is just a person with a crazy mind.
------------------------------------------------------------
I'd be lying if I said I didn't remember anything you said. Like that time when you said "It's alright, I got an umbrella." Or those times when you'd at least say hello while passing by. But now it's all become flashbacks stuck inside my head. I'd also be lying if I said I've never cried over you. I'd be lying if I said I didn't care.

» O2/O4/15

❥ What the ********.... Out of all the people I could have gotten it had to be YOU. Ugh, just when I was looking forward to doing this project. Even if I got a random person I didn't know, it would have been better than getting you. Now I don't even know what to do. I don't know if I should be happy, but I think I'm mostly just asdfhjk. Can't explain the feeling. I don't know, it just seems so awkward My friend keeps saying its fate but hell no. God dammit, shoulda just dropped the paper back in and get a different one.
------------------------------------------------------------
Now that I think about it even more, this is really bad. Like really, really ******** bad. Ugh, why the hell did this have to happen. I feel like I'm just jumping to conclusions, but it just seems so true. I don't know what to think. My thought are everywhere, and soon I think my mind is going to explode. I'm feeling angry and upset and hurt and so many other things. It's kinda difficult to handle because I don't know how to make it go away. Why the hell did you have to appear in my life? Why did I think we'd get somewhere only to get my hopes up so high and let you smash them to the ground? Why did you have to stir up my feelings only to leave them unwanted? So many damn questions with answers left unsaid. It's either I'm a really complicated person, or everyone that I bring myself to like ends up ******** me over emotionally every damn time.

» O1/3O/15

❥ THAT DAMN CLIFFHANGER. Please believe him. Please, please, please. He loves you and you know that. Now I gotta wait for a week again while dying of curiosity.
------------------------------------------------------------
Should I be happy about having only one mid-year exam or that I have to cram in time to study and to finish all my homework in two days? I swear to god my teachers really suck at planning out things. Just kidding, it's probably just me ha. ******** />
» O1/28/15

❥ Omg, they are so cute together. Absolutely perfect. That's the kind of relationship I want right now. I swear if they don't end up together happy like that, I will cry an ocean. Them writers better not screw it up.

» O1/27/15

❥ Everyone. Today. Is. So. ********. Annoying. I hate when you don't believe my words when I'm being dead serious. Just ******** stop and leave me alone. I'm pretty sure that I've told you that I don't like it, but nope you gotta be a ******** a*****e and still continue to do it.
------------------------------------------------------------
Starting in the next two weeks I need to find a new reason to continue living. So far I've been using one stupid excuse, but soon that excuse is gonna end. Its sad when you feel like you don't have a reason to live. And even though I want to be happy, I make no progress and just fall right in the same hole. Its like swimming up to get air and being dragged back down by whirlpools two seconds later. Suffocating and exhausting.

» O1/26/15

❥ HOLY HELL, I CAN'T FOCUS RIGHT NOW. Trying to rewrite this damn ******** essay because my teacher is an a** and expects perfection. Literally making no progress at all because I don't want to do it, and I don't even know what I needa fix. I thought I work well under pressure but I don't even know anymore loool. Then I came to the conclusion that maybe I just needed to ******** rant. HOLY, I HATE ME.

» O1/25/15

❥ So I actually did end up crying. God bless it was at the end of third block and I had free block right after. Holy hell, I tried so hard to hold it in but couldn't. Tears just needed to come out. I felt like s**t, but then again what the hell was I expecting. I even told myself I did a shitty job. Or maybe this damn new teachers expect too much and wants everything to be perfect. b***h, I am not you so don't expect me to do something at your level. The entire class hates you just so you know.

» O1/23/15

❥ When you got dat english essay to do but ur to busy crying over a drama episode. sign, da feels must be too strong. But for realz it's due on friday and I didn't even start yet so I much be screwed. Then again I always seem to wait for the creativity of writing to come at me.

» O1/21/15

❥ OMG HEALER WHY DID U HAVE TO BE SO TRAGIC AND MAKE ME CRY. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. But seriously that ep was pretty depressing for me. Alright, TIME TO FOCUS ON ENGLISH LOLZ NOPE.

» O1/2O/15

❥ Such a carefree day today. If every day was like this, I think I'd be truly happy. Times like these are what make me love my friends. I need to have them more often.

» O1/16/15

❥ The sky was so pretty this morning. It was purple and the sun was about to rise. Orange was starting to spring and I could see white shining colors. Sucks that I couldn't see the entire thing happen. Would have been nice to watch from the kitchen window.
------------------------------------------------------------
Lol, yes I ignored you. I don't even know what to ******** say to you so what do you expect. I told myself to walk pass you and still be happy and I did that. Not for you but for myself. You want to be friends then just ******** say so. Maybe I'm the one making things complicated, but honestly, I just hate my feelings. Everything sucks and today just sucks overall. My mind is going to eat me alive. Maybe I really do just want to get swallowed by the sea. Maybe I just want my life to end because it seems so much easier and I don't have an actual good reason to continue living.

» O1/15/15

❥ I love days like today where I have no homework and can just relax while watching my dramas. Gahh dammit why do they have to be so good. Why do I have to wait for next week. HEALER WHY U GOTTA END LIKE THAT. AND PINOCCHIO Y U GOTTA GIVE ME THE FEELS ???

» O1/14/15

❥ Because I'm going to continue to walk past you and feel happy about it. I'm not going to look back, I'm not going to care anymore. I'm just gonna go forward.
------------------------------------------------------------
Omigod, Healer you are going to make my heart pop <3 God bless there's another episode tomorrow because I already have to suffer from waiting week after week.

» O1/13/15

❥ Omg, now I feel like a complete ******** fool. You played with my ******** feelings and I didn't even know. Holy hell, I am hurt.

» O1/1O/15

❥ It's late and I'm sad. I don't know why but I have a really bad urge to cry. I want to cry for a really long time and just let the tears continuously stream down my face. I'm just thinking about how stressed and tired I am. I'm also thinking about us. I think I really did like you but we stayed in the same progress for to long and were to afraid to be the one to make changes. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I didn't like you at all. Maybe I just enjoyed the long talks we had. Maybe I just liked to have a person like you in my life. Maybe I'm just out of my ******** mind for thinking these thoughts because it's night time and I'm in my bed listening to depressing songs.
------------------------------------------------------------
Honestly, thanks for making me feel like s**t. I can't even tell if you were trying to make an excuse to talk to me but it's not ******** going well. I'm sick of you playing with me and if you really want to be friends please just tell me already. I'm sick of feeling confused about my feelings for you and I'm sick of getting my hopes up. I just want to be done with you. This just sucks and it's not making me happy but upset and just ugh.
------------------------------------------------------------
R.I.P to all those people whose lives were lost because of people we believed death was the only way to be sorry.

» O1/O9/15

❥ I'm suppose to hate you. I'm suppose to hate you for giving me mixed signals, for confusing me. You make me not understand, you make me regret. I'm suppose to hate you, but I can't bring myself to do that. I just hope that I meet someone better soon to forget about you.
------------------------------------------------------------
What if I did go back ? Would I have met you ? Would I have not been who I am today? Would I not have the friends I do today? Would I not be me ?

» O1/O7/15

❥ I keep telling myself to focus but fkin procrastination eats me alive. Maybe life isn't for me. Wish I could just get in a car with someone and let them drive me to the edge of a cliff. Nah that's a sad way to die nvm. Honestly though, I am just so depressed it's terrible.

» O1/O6/15

❥ If I die right now, I am going to die with a mixture of happiness and sadness.

» O1/O5/15

❥ Omg, school starts tomorrow. That break feels like it went by so fast. Ugh, totally not ready. So much for preparing myself :IoI: Man do I sure put myself in stressful situations. Turns out its a habit I've gotten use to.

» O1/O4/15

❥ Not so excited about New Years. Kinda scared tbh. I actually have tons of New Years revolutions but I highly doubt I'll go forward with them. I seriously feel like I have no hope in my future life and that I'm never going to change. Holy cow, I am so negative right now. Lol, the ******** struggles man. Plus, since school is starting so damn soon again, I'm even more nervous. Gahhhh, I don't know. I think it's because I feel like my life has no surprises, but that's of course my fault for never going out and hiding in my room on the computer. Out of all the things I could have gotten attached to in life it had to be the ******** computer. Makes me regret discovering this thing when I was 8. There are so many positive things I discovered and learned on here, but its just holding me back way too much. I literally have two days to gather myself together before school starts. How ******** great.
----------------------------------------------------------
I have nothing to say since most of the things you've said are the same things I would have said. I'm just glad that I met you and I'm just glad that we became friends. I'm pretty sure that even with my irl friend I've never shared personal problems with her as much as I have with you.

» O1/O1/15

❥ Oh jeez that drama episode was totally perfect for the last day of 2O14. This drama is just amazing in general and I'm fangirling over it so hard. Yep, #nolife. Sucks because the next episode is when school starts. That reminds me again - I should start sleeping early and review s**t I don't understand. GOTTA FOCUS HERE MEL. Anyways, now to spend the last day of 2O14 watching my favorite league of legends streamer and probably re-watching old drama episodes again like always.
----------------------------------------------------------
Regret, regret, regret. Wish I could take back some of the words I said before, but I can't because those were feelings I actually felt at the time. I don't even know what to write because I'm crying. Happy tears. Surprising right? Yea, to me too. I guess we're making progress. There's progress for everything. Whether it's baby steps or leaps. I understand and I do feel the same. We can't share our feelings and we can barely help each other because we both suck at it. Actually maybe its because those were the only kinds of friendships we had. I too, never talked to Leah about my personal feelings or problems. With Leah and me it was just.... idk. I can't explain it, but the thing I'm happy about between us is to know that we both actually care. We care for each other physically and emotionally even when we haven't talked for days. We really do share a lot of things in common. Hopefully those things can guide us forward.

» 12/31/14

❥ Think I needa start sleeping early again. Getting headaches in the morning like before. Plus school is starting soon. Ugh, this is painful.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ouch, that feeling when you find out that you're still not good enough. I seriously don't understand friendship. Because of what I've just seen, it's starting to make me doubt everyone I think actually cares. Funny right? I don't even ******** know. So maybe all this time our friendship was not even one. Or maybe its just me jumping to conclusions. This just hurts to be honest. I mean I get it, sorta. It's kinda like me when flashbacks of Leah come through my brain. You seriously have no idea how hard I'm trying to move past that though. Do we even understand each other at all? Maybe we don't even with all the time we've spent together. Maybe we're close but in reality far away. And honestly I was literally starting to think you were the only person I could rely on, but I guess not anymore.

» 12/3O/14

❥ Home from the mall awhile ago. Was okay. Didn't buy much. I think I only went to comfort myself from what happened last night. Cried to much and didn't even know why. Was pretty depressing lol.

» 12/27/14

❥ I guess I got none of dat Christmas spirit lols.

» 12/25/14

❥ I needa wait a ******** week again. askjlfsdkghsrgh I cant even. omg cri.

» 12/24/14

❥ And Today is the day, but I feel nothing. Seems like it's just gonna be a regular and boring day. A day wasted just like every yesterday.

» 12/22/14

❥ 5 hours, 46 minutes, 5O seconds

» 12/21/14

❥ GG, life's over once again until new drama episodes come out or when I find a new one.
ON THE OTHER HAND, 6 MORE DAYS WHUUUUT.

» 12/16/14

❥ Have I been forgotten? Is it time for me to disappear or have I already done so?

» 12/O6/14

❥ Maybe I'm just putting myself in stressful situations. I've never really thought of it that way.

» 12/O3/14

❥ Oh jeez, why have I been feeling so depressed and sad these past few days? It's like my life's over or some s**t. It's frustrating and I just want it to go away. I don't understand why this always happens every time.

» 11/25/14

❥ Maybe that's what I actually need to focus on. Building new friendships and doing my best in school instead of wasting time worrying about you.

» 11/2O/14

❥ So ******** sad right now that I don't even want to talk to anyone. So ******** sad that I feel like Imma just sit here and think about how sad I am. So sad that I can't even ******** cry. I have no idea what's gonna make me feel better. Maybe you or just food.

» 11/18/14

❥ I hate how I say something to you and regret saying it. Thinking that I should have said this instead of that. Thinking that if I did, things would turn out differently for us. Maybe I'm just overly confused about us.

» 11/16/14

❥ Tbh, I really don't understand what kind of relationship we have. Are we friends or are we not? We talk online but can't even say simple hellos in real life. I'm starting to feel like I annoy you too. I just don't ******** know.

» 11/14/14

❥ Oh geez, hella good day. Went to the mall and get new clothes including that new Taytay album. Ahhh, so happy. Asdfhfjgksdgdhasj ~

» 11/1O/14

❥ If you love me, shoot me.

» 11/O4/14

❥ Its getting annoying as to how much I am on the verge of crying in class. I hate how everyone thinks of me as a smart, quiet and innocent girl. It sucks to know you are going to let people down. I think that's why I'm never letting anyone know my secrets. Once they find out they'll be disappointed with me and leave. No one will even look at me in the same way ever again either. But maybe its best to feel all the pain at once and feel numb right after. Maybe I just care to deeply or not deeply at all.

» 1O/29/14

❥ I hate these feelings. I really ******** do. I hate feeling so sad, empty, angry and upset all the time. I just hate feeling depressed about everything out of the blue. Sometimes its not even out of the blue, I just know why I feel this way. I wish school would be more easier. I feel so much pressure with everything and it just caves down on me. I want to be gone, I want to be out of here. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I've been feeling like a fool lately. I think it was because I was lead on so easily and what happened just felt like a miracle since it rarely ever happened. It probably wasn't though. It probably was just all in my ******** head.

» 1O/28/14

❥ Days started out pretty bad because of the same s**t AGAIN, but it ended up unexpected. Holy cow, I don't even know what to put because it was just wow did you really just do that? That was a nice change I guess which is why I feel so surprised. I hope it happens more often.

» 1O/22/14

❥ Lol, what a ******** day. Didn't start out so well and ended probably worse. I'm trying so hard to focus on school but really I don't know if I want to. Feels like the effort I'm putting in isn't paying off or maybe it just isn't enough. I know I always say this but I'm tired. I just really ******** am. Apparently, it's nice to be treated like s**t too especially from a person who KNOWS what it feels like to be treated like nothing. Lol, I thought you were a better person than that. I really did. Thanks for fooling me.

» 1O/2O/14

❥ My mind is a mess right now. School really does suck. Life really does suck in general. Apparently, we might be moving. I seriously hope not. I mean with school and everything ? Moving ? No please not now. It will just add more to my plate which is already complicated enough. I can barely make it to school in the morning and with parents working everyday its like living by yourself. Its feeling lonely and just helpless. If I ever had a kid, I'd never want them to do everything by themselves. I wouldn't make them take care of themselves. As a parent you should be there for your kids. It's just so difficult and it would be a hell of a lot easier if they had just stopped. I mean they were going to but not anymore. I know we need to make money but it's not like we're poor. Maybe we are but I don't want to look at it in that kind of way. You keep telling me its because we need the money but is money more important than taking care of your kids? Yea, money leads to food and clothing but it doesn't change how we feel inside. With siblings its even more worse. I get home and my brother is already on the computer. He doesn't bother to eat until I've asked him if he has. Only after that does he actually make something. Some days I just want to get home and just go to my bed and sleep. I don't want to even eat. I eat only because I care about myself. I already starve at school which is enough. Everything just seems so difficult right now. I keep telling myself things will get better but are they really going to? Like maybe in 1O years but I need things to get better now.

» 1O/19/14

❥ School, school, school > stress, stress, stress.

» O9/29/14

❥ s**t, first week of school and I'm already stressing out and thinking negatively. Holy ******** this year is going to be tough. I hate all of my teachers. Lol, ******** my life.

» O9/25/14

❥ Pretty good day in general. Went shopping and got new clothes which is a thing I rarely ever do. School starts tomorrow but I think I'm ready.

» O9/21/14

❥ Welp, schools starting next week. Should start being productive and actually do something.

» O9/16/14

❥ While others have been going to school, all I've been doing is getting on the computer and sleeping at 4 in the morning. s**t, I must need help.

» O9/O6/14

❥ Late night sleeps and then headaches in the morning. Holy ******** this is great!

» O8/24/14

❥ And this is why you will never be a ******** parent in my eyes. You will never be someone who I can rely on. You will never be someone who I care about. Don't tell me that if this s**t doesn't happen I'm going to suffer. I never said no, but I never said yes either. You never understand s**t. You never let me think.

» O8/15/14

❥ These past few days days I haven't really been talking to anyone. I like it this way. To just be alone and think about good things and feel calm and not have to worry about so much things. On the other hand, I have slight feeling of happiness. A warm feeling in my heart that I wish could stay, but I know sooner or later I have to let it go.

» O8/O3/14

❥ Don't tell me all I care about is the computer when that's all you ******** do everyday too. Yea, I'm stupid ok, lets leave it at that. Yea, I don't care either. Sorry I don't want to talk to any of you. I don't even ******** want to live here anymore. Leave me the ******** alone. ******** off if you don't understand.
And just so you don't know. Talking to ******** strangers on the internet is way better than talking to any of you. To make this more simple for you, family sucks.

» O7/31/14

❥ I guess in the end people just end up forgetting about the good things you did for them.

» O7/25/14
 

About

Mel ; Depressed- Suffocating & Exhausting Life. My thoughts are negative and dangerous. I like to blog or write w/e you prefer.
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I don't want to be sad anymore.

 

Dear Leah,
I miss you. After all this time.
I actually couldn't forget you.
I've cried so many times. Why do I ?
You gave me so much to remember.
You and the others were so special
to me. You guys always made my day.
I just couldn't wait to come home
and get on to see you guys.

I miss us. All of us. Forever.
Sincerely, Me.