❥ So I actually did end up crying. God bless it was at the end of third block and I had free block right after. Holy hell, I tried so hard to hold it in but couldn't. Tears just needed to come out. I felt like s**t, but then again what the hell was I expecting. I even told myself I did a shitty job. Or maybe this damn new teachers expect too much and wants everything to be perfect. b***h, I am not you so don't expect me to do something at your level. The entire class hates you just so you know.

» O1/23/15

❥ When you got dat english essay to do but ur to busy crying over a drama episode. sign, da feels must be too strong. But for realz it's due on friday and I didn't even start yet so I much be screwed. Then again I always seem to wait for the creativity of writing to come at me.

» O1/21/15

❥ OMG HEALER WHY DID U HAVE TO BE SO TRAGIC AND MAKE ME CRY. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. But seriously that ep was pretty depressing for me. Alright, TIME TO FOCUS ON ENGLISH LOLZ NOPE.

» O1/2O/15

❥ Such a carefree day today. If every day was like this, I think I'd be truly happy. Times like these are what make me love my friends. I need to have them more often.

» O1/16/15

❥ The sky was so pretty this morning. It was purple and the sun was about to rise. Orange was starting to spring and I could see white shining colors. Sucks that I couldn't see the entire thing happen. Would have been nice to watch from the kitchen window.
------------------------------------------------------------
Lol, yes I ignored you. I don't even know what to ******** say to you so what do you expect. I told myself to walk pass you and still be happy and I did that. Not for you but for myself. You want to be friends then just ******** say so. Maybe I'm the one making things complicated, but honestly, I just hate my feelings. Everything sucks and today just sucks overall. My mind is going to eat me alive. Maybe I really do just want to get swallowed by the sea. Maybe I just want my life to end because it seems so much easier and I don't have an actual good reason to continue living.

» O1/15/15

❥ I love days like today where I have no homework and can just relax while watching my dramas. Gahh dammit why do they have to be so good. Why do I have to wait for next week. HEALER WHY U GOTTA END LIKE THAT. AND PINOCCHIO Y U GOTTA GIVE ME THE FEELS ???

» O1/14/15

❥ Because I'm going to continue to walk past you and feel happy about it. I'm not going to look back, I'm not going to care anymore. I'm just gonna go forward.
------------------------------------------------------------
Omigod, Healer you are going to make my heart pop <3 God bless there's another episode tomorrow because I already have to suffer from waiting week after week.

» O1/13/15

❥ Omg, now I feel like a complete ******** fool. You played with my ******** feelings and I didn't even know. Holy hell, I am hurt.

» O1/1O/15

❥ It's late and I'm sad. I don't know why but I have a really bad urge to cry. I want to cry for a really long time and just let the tears continuously stream down my face. I'm just thinking about how stressed and tired I am. I'm also thinking about us. I think I really did like you but we stayed in the same progress for to long and were to afraid to be the one to make changes. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I didn't like you at all. Maybe I just enjoyed the long talks we had. Maybe I just liked to have a person like you in my life. Maybe I'm just out of my ******** mind for thinking these thoughts because it's night time and I'm in my bed listening to depressing songs.
------------------------------------------------------------
Honestly, thanks for making me feel like s**t. I can't even tell if you were trying to make an excuse to talk to me but it's not ******** going well. I'm sick of you playing with me and if you really want to be friends please just tell me already. I'm sick of feeling confused about my feelings for you and I'm sick of getting my hopes up. I just want to be done with you. This just sucks and it's not making me happy but upset and just ugh.
------------------------------------------------------------
R.I.P to all those people whose lives were lost because of people we believed death was the only way to be sorry.

» O1/O9/15

❥ I'm suppose to hate you. I'm suppose to hate you for giving me mixed signals, for confusing me. You make me not understand, you make me regret. I'm suppose to hate you, but I can't bring myself to do that. I just hope that I meet someone better soon to forget about you.
------------------------------------------------------------
What if I did go back ? Would I have met you ? Would I have not been who I am today? Would I not have the friends I do today? Would I not be me ?

» O1/O7/15

❥ I keep telling myself to focus but fkin procrastination eats me alive. Maybe life isn't for me. Wish I could just get in a car with someone and let them drive me to the edge of a cliff. Nah that's a sad way to die nvm. Honestly though, I am just so depressed it's terrible.

» O1/O6/15

❥ If I die right now, I am going to die with a mixture of happiness and sadness.

» O1/O5/15

❥ Omg, school starts tomorrow. That break feels like it went by so fast. Ugh, totally not ready. So much for preparing myself :IoI: Man do I sure put myself in stressful situations. Turns out its a habit I've gotten use to.

» O1/O4/15

❥ Not so excited about New Years. Kinda scared tbh. I actually have tons of New Years revolutions but I highly doubt I'll go forward with them. I seriously feel like I have no hope in my future life and that I'm never going to change. Holy cow, I am so negative right now. Lol, the ******** struggles man. Plus, since school is starting so damn soon again, I'm even more nervous. Gahhhh, I don't know. I think it's because I feel like my life has no surprises, but that's of course my fault for never going out and hiding in my room on the computer. Out of all the things I could have gotten attached to in life it had to be the ******** computer. Makes me regret discovering this thing when I was 8. There are so many positive things I discovered and learned on here, but its just holding me back way too much. I literally have two days to gather myself together before school starts. How ******** great.
----------------------------------------------------------
I have nothing to say since most of the things you've said are the same things I would have said. I'm just glad that I met you and I'm just glad that we became friends. I'm pretty sure that even with my irl friend I've never shared personal problems with her as much as I have with you.

» O1/O1/15

❥ Oh jeez that drama episode was totally perfect for the last day of 2O14. This drama is just amazing in general and I'm fangirling over it so hard. Yep, #nolife. Sucks because the next episode is when school starts. That reminds me again - I should start sleeping early and review s**t I don't understand. GOTTA FOCUS HERE MEL. Anyways, now to spend the last day of 2O14 watching my favorite league of legends streamer and probably re-watching old drama episodes again like always.
----------------------------------------------------------
Regret, regret, regret. Wish I could take back some of the words I said before, but I can't because those were feelings I actually felt at the time. I don't even know what to write because I'm crying. Happy tears. Surprising right? Yea, to me too. I guess we're making progress. There's progress for everything. Whether it's baby steps or leaps. I understand and I do feel the same. We can't share our feelings and we can barely help each other because we both suck at it. Actually maybe its because those were the only kinds of friendships we had. I too, never talked to Leah about my personal feelings or problems. With Leah and me it was just.... idk. I can't explain it, but the thing I'm happy about between us is to know that we both actually care. We care for each other physically and emotionally even when we haven't talked for days. We really do share a lot of things in common. Hopefully those things can guide us forward.

» 12/31/14

❥ Think I needa start sleeping early again. Getting headaches in the morning like before. Plus school is starting soon. Ugh, this is painful.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ouch, that feeling when you find out that you're still not good enough. I seriously don't understand friendship. Because of what I've just seen, it's starting to make me doubt everyone I think actually cares. Funny right? I don't even ******** know. So maybe all this time our friendship was not even one. Or maybe its just me jumping to conclusions. This just hurts to be honest. I mean I get it, sorta. It's kinda like me when flashbacks of Leah come through my brain. You seriously have no idea how hard I'm trying to move past that though. Do we even understand each other at all? Maybe we don't even with all the time we've spent together. Maybe we're close but in reality far away. And honestly I was literally starting to think you were the only person I could rely on, but I guess not anymore.

» 12/3O/14

❥ Home from the mall awhile ago. Was okay. Didn't buy much. I think I only went to comfort myself from what happened last night. Cried to much and didn't even know why. Was pretty depressing lol.

» 12/27/14

❥ I guess I got none of dat Christmas spirit lols.

» 12/25/14

❥ I needa wait a ******** week again. askjlfsdkghsrgh I cant even. omg cri.

» 12/24/14

❥ And Today is the day, but I feel nothing. Seems like it's just gonna be a regular and boring day. A day wasted just like every yesterday.

» 12/22/14

❥ 5 hours, 46 minutes, 5O seconds

» 12/21/14

❥ GG, life's over once again until new drama episodes come out or when I find a new one.
ON THE OTHER HAND, 6 MORE DAYS WHUUUUT.

» 12/16/14

❥ Have I been forgotten? Is it time for me to disappear or have I already done so?

» 12/O6/14

❥ Maybe I'm just putting myself in stressful situations. I've never really thought of it that way.

» 12/O3/14

❥ Oh jeez, why have I been feeling so depressed and sad these past few days? It's like my life's over or some s**t. It's frustrating and I just want it to go away. I don't understand why this always happens every time.

» 11/25/14

❥ Maybe that's what I actually need to focus on. Building new friendships and doing my best in school instead of wasting time worrying about you.

» 11/2O/14

❥ So ******** sad right now that I don't even want to talk to anyone. So ******** sad that I feel like Imma just sit here and think about how sad I am. So sad that I can't even ******** cry. I have no idea what's gonna make me feel better. Maybe you or just food.

» 11/18/14

❥ I hate how I say something to you and regret saying it. Thinking that I should have said this instead of that. Thinking that if I did, things would turn out differently for us. Maybe I'm just overly confused about us.

» 11/16/14

❥ Tbh, I really don't understand what kind of relationship we have. Are we friends or are we not? We talk online but can't even say simple hellos in real life. I'm starting to feel like I annoy you too. I just don't ******** know.

» 11/14/14

❥ Oh geez, hella good day. Went to the mall and get new clothes including that new Taytay album. Ahhh, so happy. Asdfhfjgksdgdhasj ~

» 11/1O/14

❥ If you love me, shoot me.

» 11/O4/14

❥ Its getting annoying as to how much I am on the verge of crying in class. I hate how everyone thinks of me as a smart, quiet and innocent girl. It sucks to know you are going to let people down. I think that's why I'm never letting anyone know my secrets. Once they find out they'll be disappointed with me and leave. No one will even look at me in the same way ever again either. But maybe its best to feel all the pain at once and feel numb right after. Maybe I just care to deeply or not deeply at all.

» 1O/29/14

❥ I hate these feelings. I really ******** do. I hate feeling so sad, empty, angry and upset all the time. I just hate feeling depressed about everything out of the blue. Sometimes its not even out of the blue, I just know why I feel this way. I wish school would be more easier. I feel so much pressure with everything and it just caves down on me. I want to be gone, I want to be out of here. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I've been feeling like a fool lately. I think it was because I was lead on so easily and what happened just felt like a miracle since it rarely ever happened. It probably wasn't though. It probably was just all in my ******** head.

» 1O/28/14

❥ Days started out pretty bad because of the same s**t AGAIN, but it ended up unexpected. Holy cow, I don't even know what to put because it was just wow did you really just do that? That was a nice change I guess which is why I feel so surprised. I hope it happens more often.

» 1O/22/14

❥ Lol, what a ******** day. Didn't start out so well and ended probably worse. I'm trying so hard to focus on school but really I don't know if I want to. Feels like the effort I'm putting in isn't paying off or maybe it just isn't enough. I know I always say this but I'm tired. I just really ******** am. Apparently, it's nice to be treated like s**t too especially from a person who KNOWS what it feels like to be treated like nothing. Lol, I thought you were a better person than that. I really did. Thanks for fooling me.

» 1O/2O/14

❥ My mind is a mess right now. School really does suck. Life really does suck in general. Apparently, we might be moving. I seriously hope not. I mean with school and everything ? Moving ? No please not now. It will just add more to my plate which is already complicated enough. I can barely make it to school in the morning and with parents working everyday its like living by yourself. Its feeling lonely and just helpless. If I ever had a kid, I'd never want them to do everything by themselves. I wouldn't make them take care of themselves. As a parent you should be there for your kids. It's just so difficult and it would be a hell of a lot easier if they had just stopped. I mean they were going to but not anymore. I know we need to make money but it's not like we're poor. Maybe we are but I don't want to look at it in that kind of way. You keep telling me its because we need the money but is money more important than taking care of your kids? Yea, money leads to food and clothing but it doesn't change how we feel inside. With siblings its even more worse. I get home and my brother is already on the computer. He doesn't bother to eat until I've asked him if he has. Only after that does he actually make something. Some days I just want to get home and just go to my bed and sleep. I don't want to even eat. I eat only because I care about myself. I already starve at school which is enough. Everything just seems so difficult right now. I keep telling myself things will get better but are they really going to? Like maybe in 1O years but I need things to get better now.

» 1O/19/14

❥ School, school, school > stress, stress, stress.

» O9/29/14

❥ s**t, first week of school and I'm already stressing out and thinking negatively. Holy ******** this year is going to be tough. I hate all of my teachers. Lol, ******** my life.

» O9/25/14

❥ Pretty good day in general. Went shopping and got new clothes which is a thing I rarely ever do. School starts tomorrow but I think I'm ready.

» O9/21/14

❥ Welp, schools starting next week. Should start being productive and actually do something.

» O9/16/14

❥ While others have been going to school, all I've been doing is getting on the computer and sleeping at 4 in the morning. s**t, I must need help.

» O9/O6/14

❥ Late night sleeps and then headaches in the morning. Holy ******** this is great!

» O8/24/14

❥ And this is why you will never be a ******** parent in my eyes. You will never be someone who I can rely on. You will never be someone who I care about. Don't tell me that if this s**t doesn't happen I'm going to suffer. I never said no, but I never said yes either. You never understand s**t. You never let me think.

» O8/15/14

❥ These past few days days I haven't really been talking to anyone. I like it this way. To just be alone and think about good things and feel calm and not have to worry about so much things. On the other hand, I have slight feeling of happiness. A warm feeling in my heart that I wish could stay, but I know sooner or later I have to let it go.

» O8/O3/14

❥ Don't tell me all I care about is the computer when that's all you ******** do everyday too. Yea, I'm stupid ok, lets leave it at that. Yea, I don't care either. Sorry I don't want to talk to any of you. I don't even ******** want to live here anymore. Leave me the ******** alone. ******** off if you don't understand.
And just so you don't know. Talking to ******** strangers on the internet is way better than talking to any of you. To make this more simple for you, family sucks.

» O7/31/14

❥ I guess in the end people just end up forgetting about the good things you did for them.

» O7/25/14

❥ Because the people that deserve to live another day are the ones that end up having to die.

» O7/18/14

❥ You think you know how I feel? You think you know how I think? Well guess what. You don't. You don't know s**t about how this affects me, you don't know what I think when s**t like this happens in our family. If you really knew how I felt you, wouldn't have bothered saying those words. Don't tell me how I don't ******** care about feelings because I always have, you just never saw it. You think I'm happy living through this mess? No, of course not. I know we are one dysfunctional family. Maybe this means we should just get some family therapy. Sorry this s**t had to happy on your birthday. Sorry, but this time I am not taking the blame for s**t that I didn't do. I did not decide to make people feel like that. No one has asked me how I ever felt. I'm apparently just there for everyone to take there anger out on. I'm just there for people to yell and scream at because once again it is my fault when our family breaks.

» O7/16/14

❥ Stop acting like a b***h and stop talking s**t. If you don't like what I'm doing, then don't ******** look. Last time I checked, ignoring someone is more than easy.

» O7/12/14
 

About


Hi, I'm Mel and
I have misanthrope.
I think, I speak
Therefore, I exist.
I don't trust
anyone at all.
Call it a curse.
♥ ;

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Been hurt enough.

 

Dear Leah,
I miss you. After all this time.
I actually couldn't forget you.
I've cried so many times. Why do I ?
You gave me so much to remember.
You and the others were so special
to me. You guys always made my day.
I just couldn't wait to come home
and get on to see you guys.

I miss us. All of us. Forever.
Sincerely, Me.