Me and all my broken little pieces
It's time for a little honesty. I will explain why I feel as I do now. It's your responsibility to understand. If you cannot, then I cannot help you. I gave up on this life more than a decade ago. As I am too much a coward, I have not actively tried to end my life. "Do or do not, there is no try." - Yoda.
There are only so many times a person can call you "fat", "stupid", and "lazy" before you start to believe them. When you're a child, taught to listen and respect adults, you don't question such observations. Surely they must be true? So I became fat, stupid and lazy. As a child, that happened very quickly. As I happen to be very intelligent, it was only a matter of time before I realized it. So if I'm not stupid, then adults can be wrong in their observations. I came to this "epiphany" slowly and had to reexamine my entire life. I knew that I was lazy, but I remembered a time when I was not. I knew that I was fat, but after looking at old photographs, I wasn't much larger than other children my age. Now is a different story. As I looked at my reflection, I realized that I had become everything I wasn't because I didn't trust my instincts and listen to my heart. The damage was done. Don't jump to conclusions and don't make assumptions. I'm not done.
My story begins at the time of my conception. A time of pain, fear, sorrow, and guilt. These are not the ingredients of a child with a happy life. Whether you agree or not, is not the point. When I am born, it is to a shade above total poverty. Though my family did have love. All the struggle and strife seemed manageable because we had each other. Then he comes into our lives...Instead of laughter, there are hushed tones. Instead of chatter, there are secrets. The smiles fade until they're forced and then it begins...my "programming". And time marches on....
So at the ripe old age of 16, the spell is broken and the child wakens from the dream...or in this case, nightmare. So I did what I do best, I remembered. I pooled all my memories and knowledge and my intelligence took it from there. It organized, categorized, collated, and summarized everything I knew, and came to one conclusion...I was damaged. As I looked at myself, I could see the cracks. I followed them as they widened until I found the holes. The pieces of myself that were ripped away by a careless hand and the jagged edges that were left behind. I remembered who I was and it was not this person I was looking at. Somehow, I knew I was never going to see her again. The pain of that realization ripped what was left wide open. Out of instinct, I did the only thing I could to survive. I buried the truth. No one could see what I saw, so no one would know that I wasn't me.
It's a lot harder to justify your existence when it feels as though the world is trying to kill you, or rather that logic and experience dictate that you shouldn't exist. It felt wrong of me to be here when this wasn't my life to live. It belonged to someone else, but they were gone and I was left behind. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want this life, but I was stuck with it. I didn't believe I belonged in this world, but I was still here. So I had a decision to make. Who I was, or who I am became my question. The reality was that I wanted neither, so I chose that. I chose nothing. Since I was already "fat, stupid,and lazy", I remained as such. It would be a slow death, but it could(and would) work...eventually. So I gave up trying to live as everyone else in the world does. If I was meant to be here, then I would be here. If not, then the world would rectify the mistake. All the good and all the bad would just be events on the way to the end. Isn't that what life boils down to? Good and bad events until the end? And so time marches on...
A decade passes and not much has changed. As I am now a decade old, I have matured. Experience hasn't changed my opinion of life or the conclusion I came to. If anything, the past 10 years solidifies my decision. There are even times(more than I care to admit) when I want to forcefully execute my decision. I do not and after a time, I ask myself why. The answer was simple, hope. I was hoping for a reason. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say, that I was hoping for a sign. A sign that I belonged in this world and this was my life. One day I found that reason, my sign. If this was really my life and I belonged in it, then I should be able to obtain the things I want and attain the happiness that other people spent their lives trying to attain. Should I not get the same chance if I truly belonged in the world? Up to this point, life had taken my chances. This was the first time it had given one. So I seized it! I was tentative at first, but hopeful. For the next two and a half years I worked side by side with the family I was trying to build(despite many obstacles, detours, and delays). This was my ultimate goal. I lost my family long ago, so I was trying to make a new one. Those were the happiest times in my life, so why not try to make more. "Family is what you make it, not necessarily what you're born with." - Me.
Now that opportunity has been taken from me. The pain of this loss has caused new damage and nothing has been repaired. So I have risked what little of myself I have only to be left with less than what I wagered, which was less than a whole person to begin with. I barely have enough of myself to keep going let alone risk more. At the ripe older age of "30", I fold...
You see it doesn't matter who breaks you, not when nor how they break you. If you break, it is your responsibility to fix yourself and to want to repair whatever damage is done. So in the end, it doesn't matter if you're a victim. It doesn't matter if you're a defenseless child left to be nurtured by cold poisonous adults. Because if you don't take the responsibility on yourself, you are no better than they are and there is no one to blame but yourself.
So no, I don't want to risk what's left. No, I don't want to hope. And no, I do not want to try and fix myself. You see, I don't think that can happen so there is no point in trying. Yes, I am in pain and no, it will not fade. I am to blame and I will be here for as long as life tolerates me.
This is not for you to agree or disagree. This is for you to understand me, and ultimately, leave me be as I am. If you cannot understand, then so be it. As I have been told, I have not been put in this world to please others but to seek my own happiness. What I seek now, is to be left in peace with what's left of my pieces.