Well.... There is really not a lot to say about me. Up until two days ago everything was perfect, life was golden-- or so I thought. In the span of a few days I lost the girl I love, lost a few girls I thought of as sister and lost much of who I was before. I also gained perspective. I am flawed. Really, really flawed. I suffocated the girl I loved to the point of affliction, and she left me. I hurt one of the girls I care about with senseless jibes and a childish tantrum. I hurt the other by being.... Like this. Worst part of it it's been happening for a while. So golden? No. It was Gilded
I was paranoid. I had a childish temper. I /was/ a child. I was insecure, paranoid, and by hell, I pushed her away by bein exactly what I had promised not to be: a clingy ********. And even then I was combatted with kindness by her. I was treated with calm by one of my sisters, and fondness by another. I was a fool in a bright light who never noticed how dark things really are.¬†
By now you, reader, probably went off to grab an anti depressant and wrote me off as a drama queen but I am not telling you this because I want your pity. I am telling you this because it's the truth, and no man should be seen as perfect. I lost 3 people who are very important to me, and I considered leaving, dying off somewhere and waiting for people to forget me but... All three of the girls gave me the most maddening thing: hope.
One did it by telling me bluntly what I tell you now: I was flawed, and said shed get rid of me if she could: she's getting her wish. I will become a new man. I love you.¬†
Another did it by acknowledging I hurt her with my idiotic words, childish temper, and ignorant mannerisms but told me I could redeem myself by following my word and promises to her. I love you.
The third... Well the third was the girl I called my own. I met her April 17th, and already had a strange, fluttery feeling about her. By two days later I was.... Absolutely smitten. By the 28th I sent her a love letter, and at the end of what seemed to be a horrible wait culminating in her almost quitting a first time... She said I love you. And stayed for me, offering kindness and love no matter what kind of monster I was. After much, much thought i learned that she quit Gaia because i was stifling her, treating her like a caged bird. Every second she was here I demanded attention, like a child... Because I was insecure, afraid to lose her, afraid to loss her love... It was pitiful, and she always will deserve better... I promised her I would change, and she said Hoobastank's The Reason was our song... Now hearing it is like ripping open a bleeding wound that is partially healed. I miss her... You if you read it. But the song will become my profile's song as soon as I figure out how as a reminder of what needs to be. She left me hope by changing her last name to Archleone, wearing all items I gave her, an a marital pendant.... That either says she is leaving me behind or never stop hoping.... But either way that it goes, I will honor you by changing. I can't be the same godforsaken tool I was. I love you, with all my being... And I wish I hadn't realized this all too late.
For the rest of you who trust and followed me and loved and supported me... Thank you. I am a lucky man, I have some of the greatest friends in the world... You're part of the reason I cannot and will not leave. I made you all promises about a better Roleplaying community... One you'll be proud to call home. And as I reforge myself, an almost impossible effort as I once saw, I will reforge this community too.
I will never forget those I did wrong.. Never stop loving them. Always hope, always dream. Never forget, never let go. If I love something I must let it go, and give it the choice to fly free or return to me. And so all 3 of them are free. All three of you, if you care to read, are my predominant reasons to change... But all of you. Every. Single. One. ¬†Are a part of it.
Thank you for reading it all guys... And for you three, I will do you proud.