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Report | 02/26/2016 10:36 pm


Hello, my love.

I know it's been a really long time since I last left you a note. I have some unexpected time alone and I thought I'd let you hear my thoughts. I know they're probably unwanted ... but even still, to this day, I can't let the memory of you go.

There's always so much I want to say. Good things, bad things ... things in between. Sometimes I find myself just wanting to tell you how my day has been, or venting about my stresses. Sometimes I wanna just hear your purr and listen to you prattle on about whatever it is that makes you happy in the present moment. Because, right now, that's what I want. To be present with you. To feel my fingers entwined with yours, and to spend those endless nights that used to make my heart sore once again at your side. I miss hiding in your hair, and I miss the sudden spicyness of your scent whenever you'd break through just enough to me that I could sense you just a little more.

I miss how full you I felt when I was in your presence.

Tarin asked me ... is it not cheating that breaks couples? That destroys and ends relationships?

Since then, I've really thought about it. And I mean ... really spent my time thinking about it. And while I gave her an answer at the time ... I realized ... yes, that's true. But only for the couples that weren't strong enough together. Only the couples where the connection was fraying for whatever reason.

So many couples are able to work through things like that, to grow stronger through that emotional turmoil.

I recall emotionally cheating with you when I was with Skye ... Skye was literally the only man I ever fell out of love with. My love for you still burns so brightly. The intensity of my love ebbs and flows with all my other loves, bordering on passionate but burning as low as being bored or disinterested mildly. You were always my heart flame. You were always reinvigorating, a breath of fresh air ... no matter how redundant or often we saw one another, I remember even the conversations where we'd just sit over the phone in silence for three hours not saying a word was enough for me.

It was hard to remember the good when I was without you, but still had you. Now it's hard to remember the bad when I'm without you, but don't have you.

It's funny how that works.

It's been nearly five years and I'm still not over it.

I never will be over you.

Pretending that you're strong and happy and hail is what keeps me going.

I love you, Kharras.

So much more than you believe or know.

Report | 01/30/2015 11:31 pm


I had this ... conversation with Ruunah (yunno ... Caithnes' boyfriend? S'been around longer than me) today. Everything he said reminded me so much of myself.

He and Blaze have been a thing for over a year now. Blaze has gone so far as to pledge himself to him ... let himself be collared. And.

Ruunah says every now and again he just. Sees Blaze as being so cruel. He doesn't understand how someone who is so sweet and good to him can be so ... petty and mean to other people. He fears that he's been duped. Fooled. Ruunah says he's afraid he'll lose everything. Like he's being pushed into a box away from Caithnes and Ahddy for some ... purpose later on down the road.

... but. Blaze ... really does care about him. Genuinely and truly. It ... he eavesdropped on the conversation. And he was so devastated to hear Ruunah doubting him like that.

It isn't that Blaze is not capable of such things. Of such deceptions and misleadings, or that he can't be a cruel person ... but ... Ruunah makes him better. Ruunah makes him wanna fight the chaotic urges he has. Makes him wanna be that charming, charismatic guy all the time that people like.


... we both carry that darkness, don't we? You and I. As easy as it can to be forget now that we've been separated ... as easy as it can be to believe Blaze and I are completely separate entities. We're not. We're born of the same soul. Blaze is just ... a bit more touched than I am. He's got whatever Phoenix mojo fragment-thing was crushed in there ... and he was born from Caithnes' magic. Given form. Ul-Zaorith born ... with an Earth made soul and a Phoenix fragment all. Stitched together.

... but that's me. And I'm him. We're very much connected ...

... if he has a shadow over him. If he has some dark, scary side to him. Than so do I ... right?

I dunno. It's ... so. Strange to me. You've been gone from my life for so long and yet it's like I'm still learning about you through other experiences I'm having. I still relate to you. I still feel kinship with you in the things that I do, in the way people act and react ... things just. Help me relate and remind me more of you all the time ...

I've been scared in the past that Blaze may have had some sort of ties to you. Ones that were more direct that I wasn't aware of. But I ...

... that's why I recognized those doubts.

Then I had this awful waking vision of the two of you fighting ... and he was healing for weeks afterwards ... he almost didn't pull through. But. He did ...

............ I dunno. I dunno why I. What I came to say anymore ....

I love you, tho. And sorry ...

Report | 01/15/2015 9:52 am


I miss you every day, yunno. None of that has changed.

I'm not sure what promise was broken. Maybe if I knew things wouldn't seem so sudden. But whatever promise I broke ... when you got angry, freaked out and left, you broke a promise to me too.

I dunno. Sometimes I feel like you never understood what it meant to be loyal. And I don't mean monogamous-loyal. Let's not kid ourselves, Kharras. The shitty google definition for loyal is 'giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.'

So where are you? Because I'm still here. I'm still loyal. I still have every belief in you ... blind and unconditional loyalty and love. How? How could I possibly be after what I did?

Maybe that's just it. Maybe the fact that your scorn and your having forsaken me says a lot more about how much you were invested in me than my having fallen for a second person says about my investment. Because as much as we hurt one another ... I still had the guts to stand tall and face my demons. You cut all ties and ran away when the going got tough. When things stopped going your way or unfavorably.

That's not the man I grew up with. Someone who would give in and give up so easily.

You said that I had made the choice for you. Kharras, nobody makes choices for you. That was a bullshit reason to leave, and you know that.

Despite my perhaps harsh words ... I stopped being upset with you a long time ago. I stopped being angry. Being hurt. Maybe that's because I knew you meant more to me than some mistakes or some differences of character we may have had. Maybe it's because, as I always have been, I've still remained loyal to you.

I'm sorry that you can't see that. I don't expect you to.

We came to an impasse ... and it was up to us to decide whether that impasse was bad enough that we couldn't continue on or one day try to make amends or whether it really was an end-all for us.

Obviously I've decided that /nothing/ could ever be enough to take my spirit and conviction away from you. I don't know if you just need time to heal or what, but if not, it seems like even the slightest breeze could blow your faith over.

Why? Did you honestly believe that my falling for someone else would steal the light away from you? Did you really believe someone could ever take your place in my life?

Because they haven't ... and they never could.

I can't compare you to anybody else, Kharras, because you've always been in a league all your own.

And I'll always believe that. Blindly and faithfully.

I'll miss you until this body passes, and maybe it's just my lot in this life to be within reach of what I want and never actually able to have it. To have come so far only to experience failure yet again.

But maybe next life that won't be the case. Maybe next life we'll meet again, be able to try again. And knowing that possibility gives me great comfort. Just because you've banished me from your life with this shell doesn't mean I won't come knocking in another.

Until then,


Report | 08/19/2014 9:44 pm


I love you ...

Report | 06/21/2014 9:12 am


I miss you and I love you ...

Report | 05/05/2014 9:56 pm


*sings* A thousand miles seems pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars. I'd walk to you if I had no other way. Our friends would all make fun of us but we'll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way. Delilah, I can promise you that by the time that we get through the world will never ever be the same. And you're to blame ...

Report | 01/15/2014 10:39 am


... Kharras .... ?

Report | 07/14/2013 9:57 am


I love you, Kharras. I hope all is well. You're greatly missed ... heart

Report | 06/21/2013 5:38 pm


Happy Birthday, Kharras. heart And I hope you're having a good Solstice!

Report | 04/08/2013 1:53 am


Y'know ... it has been over a month now. It hasn't gotten any easier without you. In fact, I think it just keeps getting harder. I sometimes wonder how long it'll be until I just completely break without you.

My hallucinations have gotten worse, my nightmares have increased nearly ten fold it seems -- in frequency and in intensity .... and I don't know if that's just from the stress of losing you, and my inability to cope, or if it's from me just being in a really bad place, worse of a place than I was already in.

I miss you so terribly. And I don't even know if you miss me at all .... if you even love me at all still. I go over every little joke in my head that only we'd get, that I try to tell others and they just don't find it funny, and I read over past posts and past PMs that I've held onto for years, and ....

... Gods, I just miss your presence. It's so lonely and quiet without you ... for a while there, it felt like you never left. And all of a sudden ... it's just the rare occasion again ... and I just ...

I catch myself crying. All the time. When I least expect it, when I don't mean to. And I feel like such a big part of me was lost when you left. I'm still not entirely sure how I'm going to walk through this pitiful, worthless life without you by my side ... Gods know I don't want to ... but .. I have to ... I have to try and make something out of this disaster.

I love you. Forever and for always. I do not beg your forgiveness, and I don't come here in hopes that you will read all of this one day, and take me back, as much as I want that to be so ... I come here in hopes that, one day, you'll see how much you always meant to me, how deeply I've always felt for you, and that my love never once wavered for you, even though I fell in love with someone else too. I'm not ... I've always been able to love more than one person at a time, it's true. But ... you, Kharras. You were so special to me - still are. And that's why this hurts so bad. That's why there's this undeniable hole in my heart, and it feels as though my soul has just been ripped to shreds, and I catch myself unable to breathe.

I stopped caring the minute you left me about sounding too 'mushy' or whatever - when I lost you, I knew that all the years spent being afraid of what you thought about how deeply I felt for you ... it all went away. I lost you not only because of my unfaithfulness, but I feel also because you didn't know just how much you were cared for, how much you meant to me. You are not one easily replaced - you CAN'T be replaced.

My heart belongs to you. Truly, it does. You were .... you've always been ...

... oh, Kharras ... I love you so much, can't you see that ... ? I cannot sleep. I cannot eat properly. I am completely riddled with scars now, and I just .... I know you were always gone before this all happened, but now you are truly gone ... and this is a truth ... so unbearable. So painful. I .... even if you never wish to have me back - as I will always gladly love you with everything in me, and will continue to love you, even if you choose not to love me in return - and even if we never speak again ... I just hope ... somehow, someway, someday ... you'll realize and know how much I love you. And if this life of mine comes and goes before we have a chance to make things right between us .... I just hope we'll meet again some day. Somewhere in time.

I vow, here and now, I will find a way back to you. Even if you do not know who I am, and I do not know you, we will have another life together. Somehow, someway. I will brand my soul with this vow, and if ever I break it, if ever it proves to be an impossible task ... than let the consequence of that broken vow be for me to seize to exist, to never be reborn, for my soul to die and never be anything ever again.

... I look forward to the day we meet again, Khar'as'uhr. And I hope it is on the best of terms ...

I love you.


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