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Ember-babe

Report | 01/15/2015 9:52 am

Ember-babe

I miss you every day, yunno. None of that has changed.

I'm not sure what promise was broken. Maybe if I knew things wouldn't seem so sudden. But whatever promise I broke ... when you got angry, freaked out and left, you broke a promise to me too.

I dunno. Sometimes I feel like you never understood what it meant to be loyal. And I don't mean monogamous-loyal. Let's not kid ourselves, Kharras. The shitty google definition for loyal is 'giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.'

So where are you? Because I'm still here. I'm still loyal. I still have every belief in you ... blind and unconditional loyalty and love. How? How could I possibly be after what I did?

Maybe that's just it. Maybe the fact that your scorn and your having forsaken me says a lot more about how much you were invested in me than my having fallen for a second person says about my investment. Because as much as we hurt one another ... I still had the guts to stand tall and face my demons. You cut all ties and ran away when the going got tough. When things stopped going your way or unfavorably.

That's not the man I grew up with. Someone who would give in and give up so easily.

You said that I had made the choice for you. Kharras, nobody makes choices for you. That was a bullshit reason to leave, and you know that.

Despite my perhaps harsh words ... I stopped being upset with you a long time ago. I stopped being angry. Being hurt. Maybe that's because I knew you meant more to me than some mistakes or some differences of character we may have had. Maybe it's because, as I always have been, I've still remained loyal to you.

I'm sorry that you can't see that. I don't expect you to.

We came to an impasse ... and it was up to us to decide whether that impasse was bad enough that we couldn't continue on or one day try to make amends or whether it really was an end-all for us.

Obviously I've decided that /nothing/ could ever be enough to take my spirit and conviction away from you. I don't know if you just need time to heal or what, but if not, it seems like even the slightest breeze could blow your faith over.

Why? Did you honestly believe that my falling for someone else would steal the light away from you? Did you really believe someone could ever take your place in my life?

Because they haven't ... and they never could.

I can't compare you to anybody else, Kharras, because you've always been in a league all your own.

And I'll always believe that. Blindly and faithfully.

I'll miss you until this body passes, and maybe it's just my lot in this life to be within reach of what I want and never actually able to have it. To have come so far only to experience failure yet again.

But maybe next life that won't be the case. Maybe next life we'll meet again, be able to try again. And knowing that possibility gives me great comfort. Just because you've banished me from your life with this shell doesn't mean I won't come knocking in another.

Until then,
Ember

Ember-babe

Report | 08/19/2014 9:44 pm

Ember-babe

I love you ...
Ember-babe

Report | 06/21/2014 9:12 am

Ember-babe

I miss you and I love you ...
Ember-babe

Report | 05/05/2014 9:56 pm

Ember-babe

*sings* A thousand miles seems pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars. I'd walk to you if I had no other way. Our friends would all make fun of us but we'll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way. Delilah, I can promise you that by the time that we get through the world will never ever be the same. And you're to blame ...
Ember-babe

Report | 01/15/2014 10:39 am

Ember-babe

... Kharras .... ?
Ember-babe

Report | 07/14/2013 9:57 am

Ember-babe

I love you, Kharras. I hope all is well. You're greatly missed ... heart
Ember-babe

Report | 06/21/2013 5:38 pm

Ember-babe

Happy Birthday, Kharras. heart And I hope you're having a good Solstice!
Ember-babe

Report | 04/08/2013 1:53 am

Ember-babe

Y'know ... it has been over a month now. It hasn't gotten any easier without you. In fact, I think it just keeps getting harder. I sometimes wonder how long it'll be until I just completely break without you.

My hallucinations have gotten worse, my nightmares have increased nearly ten fold it seems -- in frequency and in intensity .... and I don't know if that's just from the stress of losing you, and my inability to cope, or if it's from me just being in a really bad place, worse of a place than I was already in.

I miss you so terribly. And I don't even know if you miss me at all .... if you even love me at all still. I go over every little joke in my head that only we'd get, that I try to tell others and they just don't find it funny, and I read over past posts and past PMs that I've held onto for years, and ....

... Gods, I just miss your presence. It's so lonely and quiet without you ... for a while there, it felt like you never left. And all of a sudden ... it's just the rare occasion again ... and I just ...

I catch myself crying. All the time. When I least expect it, when I don't mean to. And I feel like such a big part of me was lost when you left. I'm still not entirely sure how I'm going to walk through this pitiful, worthless life without you by my side ... Gods know I don't want to ... but .. I have to ... I have to try and make something out of this disaster.

I love you. Forever and for always. I do not beg your forgiveness, and I don't come here in hopes that you will read all of this one day, and take me back, as much as I want that to be so ... I come here in hopes that, one day, you'll see how much you always meant to me, how deeply I've always felt for you, and that my love never once wavered for you, even though I fell in love with someone else too. I'm not ... I've always been able to love more than one person at a time, it's true. But ... you, Kharras. You were so special to me - still are. And that's why this hurts so bad. That's why there's this undeniable hole in my heart, and it feels as though my soul has just been ripped to shreds, and I catch myself unable to breathe.

I stopped caring the minute you left me about sounding too 'mushy' or whatever - when I lost you, I knew that all the years spent being afraid of what you thought about how deeply I felt for you ... it all went away. I lost you not only because of my unfaithfulness, but I feel also because you didn't know just how much you were cared for, how much you meant to me. You are not one easily replaced - you CAN'T be replaced.

My heart belongs to you. Truly, it does. You were .... you've always been ...

... oh, Kharras ... I love you so much, can't you see that ... ? I cannot sleep. I cannot eat properly. I am completely riddled with scars now, and I just .... I know you were always gone before this all happened, but now you are truly gone ... and this is a truth ... so unbearable. So painful. I .... even if you never wish to have me back - as I will always gladly love you with everything in me, and will continue to love you, even if you choose not to love me in return - and even if we never speak again ... I just hope ... somehow, someway, someday ... you'll realize and know how much I love you. And if this life of mine comes and goes before we have a chance to make things right between us .... I just hope we'll meet again some day. Somewhere in time.

I vow, here and now, I will find a way back to you. Even if you do not know who I am, and I do not know you, we will have another life together. Somehow, someway. I will brand my soul with this vow, and if ever I break it, if ever it proves to be an impossible task ... than let the consequence of that broken vow be for me to seize to exist, to never be reborn, for my soul to die and never be anything ever again.

... I look forward to the day we meet again, Khar'as'uhr. And I hope it is on the best of terms ...

I love you.
Ember-babe

Report | 03/21/2013 9:09 am

Ember-babe

I love you, Kharras ...no matter what happens to me, to your world, to any of us .....just remember that. I'm always here for you, whether you want me or not.
Ember-babe

Report | 03/07/2013 11:05 am

Ember-babe

Please be safe ..... please, come back intact. Heck, just ... come back ... before things are too far gone.

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