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A Fan Fiction...CHAPTER 1:
POUP
“ED!” Roy screamed.
Ed looked up with big, innocent golden eyes. “Yes Colonel?” He asked sweetly.
“Why the hell is there a bathtub in my office?!” Roy yelled as he stood at the doorway. He stared at the porcelain bathtub sitting in the middle of his office for a minute. “Is that mine?!”
Ed looked at the bathtub with a curious look. “…yes.” He said, stirring something inside. “Your window was open.” He said simply.
Roy watched him. “Ed, what are you doing?” He questioned after a while.
Before Ed could answer, Al climbed in through the open window. “Brother, I got it!” He announced, holding up a steaming bowl of chicken soup.
“Great, pour it in!” Ed replied cheerfully.
As Al poured the soup in, Roy blinked. “What’s that?” He asked, peering over Ed’s shoulder. He gawked at the thick, s**t colored substance being mixed with the yellow soup. Noodles and small veggies floated about. “Ugh! What is that?!”
“Poup!” Ed and Al said proudly.
“Poop?” Roy echoed, staring at it. “You’re mixing poop with soup…”
“No, you retard. Poup. P-O-U-P.” Ed said slowly.
“Its soup and pudding mixed together!” Al explained.
“That’s-“Roy stared,
“Genius, I know!” Ed beamed. “I came up with the name.”
Roy stared at the poup, his face starting to pale. “Well…I think it’s time to get reacquainted with my lunch…” He muttered.
“It’s really good though.” Al said, pouting. “This is the best flavor, Chocolate Chicken.”
Ed nodded. “And there’s Banana Beef, Vanilla Vegetable, Strawberry Stew…”
Roy shook his head in disgust. “You guys are idiots.” He said, walking to his desk and starting to work on his paperwork.
-
“Heeeey, Mustang.” Ed sang, jumping onto his desk and planting his arse onto some paperwork Roy was working on.
Roy sighed, aggravated. “What is it Ed?” He growled, putting his pen down.
Ed fiddled with his braid for a second, chewing on the end. “You know those times, when you have to take a dump, and it just kinda gets lodged up there? So you push and push and like, really straining when it finally comes out and makes a big splash so your a** is wet with crappy-s**t water?” He asked.
Roy groaned, covering his face with his hands. “Ed…”
The blond blinked. “That just happened you know. Now I feel moist.” He squirmed around a bit.
“Ew!” Roy yelled, rudely shoving Ed off his desk, and stared at the wet butt imprint on his paperwork. (whoo! I’d love one of those! Kidding…)
Ed looked at the damp paper. “Here, let me sign that for you.” He said, whipping out a pen and scrawling ‘Love, Ed.’ on the paper in sloppy script. He then examined the butt print. “Hey, my butt ain’t that big!” He scowled.
“Edward, don’t you have…poup to make?” Roy asked, his eye twitching slightly.
“Nah, Al and I ate it already.” Ed scratched his head. “That’s why I had to go crap. And I think Al has food poisoning now. That’s what Dr. S said. Must have been some bad soup, right?”
Roy stood up. “Okay Ed, nice talking to you. But there’s a brick wall over there that my face has to come in contact with. Very. Hard.” Roy strolled out of the office.
“Geez, what stuck up his a**?” Ed commented, chewing on his braid again.
..............................................................................................
CHAPTER 2:
PIZZA
“Ahhh, ow, Brother, it hurts.” Al moaned.
“Aw, come on Al, just a little more.” Ed purred.
“No, really, I can’t go on anymore.” Al whined, starting to pant.
“Don’t be a baby. Look, I’ll do it. See, you just stick it right…there.”
“Ahh! Stop it Brother!”
“Stop whining Al, no point fighting it.”
“Owww!”
“Will you two shut UP!?” Roy yelled, slamming his fists down on the desk.
The Elric brothers looked up at Roy curiously. If you just so happened to be passing by Roy’s office for some unknown reason and overheard the previous conversation above, you might have thought that Ed and Al were getting jiggy wid it.
But since I’m not a supporter of Elricest cause that’s just wrong, luckily that’s not what they were doing. They just so happened to be sticking Big Red wrappers on each other.
“Why don’t you try it Roy? It’s fun.” Ed suggested, holding out a silver gum wrapper.
“No.” The Colonel refused, picking up his pen to attempt his paperwork yet again.
“Why not?” Al asked, standing up (and they were sitting on the floor, why?) and leaning over Roy’s desk.
“Because it’s completely idiotic.” Roy replied.
“No it’s not.” Al said, lifting his feet off the ground and leaning his full weight against the desk.
“It’s cool.” Ed chimed in, pressing another wrapper on his arm.
“Licking Big Red wrappers and sticking them to yourselves so it’ll burn is not cool.” Roy said coolly, trying to sign a paper with Al’s bronze locks in the way.
“Bet you’re just scared.” Ed taunted, licking messily at a wrapper. He stuck it on Roy’s forehead.
“Ed!” Roy yelled. A moment later, he shrieked and toppled off his chair, writhing on the floor in obvious agony.
Ed and Al blinked and watched him. “It doesn’t hurt that bad…” Al said, peeling wrappers off his arms and face, where little red rectangles remained.
“Aw, he’s just a wimp.” Ed scoffed, smirking.
Al yawned. “Well, I’m bored.”
“Hey! Let’s make a fanfic about the military having a mass orgy!” Ed suggested excitedly.
Al squealed. “Yay!”
-
“Roy, I’m hungry.” Ed complained from his seat at the computer.
“Good for you.” Roy growled, rubbing his forehead sorely and swearing revenge.
“I’m hungry too.” Al added.
Roy glared at them both. “Why don’t you just eat some of that stuff you made…poup?”
Ed sighed heavily. “Dr. Dic Seemin said it’s bad for our colon.” He paused. “Heh, d**k semen.” He giggled.
“Ed, shut up.” Said the Colonel.
“But it’s a funny same! Why would anyone name their kid d**k, I mean really! Just imagine it. ‘Hey, d**k!’, ‘Yooo, it’s d**k!’, ‘d**k-meister, what up?’, ‘So that’ll be 19.95, Mr. d**k’, ‘d**k, you b*****d!’, ‘Diiiiiiiick’”
Al rolled on the floor, laughing his head off.
“How about this…order a pizza.” Roy said irritably.
“They’ve invented pizza?” Al asked curiously, standing up.
“…here, use my credit card.” Roy tossed them a golden Visa card.
“Woah!” Al caught it, staring at it in amazement. “So this is credit!”
“I’m gonna get the phonebook!” Ed yelled, running out of the room.
Several minutes later Ed ran back in squealing. “Ohmigawd, Ohmigawd, Ohmigawd, ohmiGAWD!”
“What is it Brother?” Al asked, tilting his head.
“Look!” Ed thrust forth a calendar. “Mother’s Day is like, 3 months, 5 days, 16 hours, 45 minutes and 3 seconds away!” He said in one breath. He looked thoughtful. “2 seconds.” He added.
“Ohmigawd! You’re right!” Al gasped, his eyes sparkling.
“Why do you guys care? Your mom’s dead.” Roy pointed out.
Al gawked at Roy, looking on the verge of tears. His knuckles pressed against his mouth (imagine that…Al looks soo cute! Aww). Ed on the other hand, was glaring daggers at the Colonel. If looks could kill…then every man on the face of the planet would die from Ed’s extreme sexyness! Wait, wrong saying…I think…Ahem.
“What did you say ‘bout my momma?!” Ed fumed.
“Eep! I…uh….said…that your mom was…IS! Is…a nice..and…sexy woman, yes she is.” Roy stammered. Roy shielded his face with his arms, awaiting the horrible, painful fate about to become of him. When nothing happened, he peeked nervously at Ed.
Ed had his fists clenched hard, and he was staring at the ground, his face mostly hidden by his golden bangs. Then, he lifted his head and smiled. But it wasn’t an ordinary smile, oh no. It was that kind of send-the-fangirls-into-a-swooning-and-drooling frenzy smile. The tilted head, closed eyes smile only anime people can. A smile that would melt Roy’s heart if he felt that way for Ed…which he doesn’t…cause that’s yaoi and I don’t support RoyxEd.
On an unrelated note, the reaction to Ed's smile was not as expected. Of course, fangirls went into a wild frenzy, swarming into HQ. They're out now, but 10 soldiers have been found missing. If you are one of those soldiers, please call 1-800-MIS-SING.
Moving on, a fanfiction writing fangirl got so overcome by fangirl-ness that she when she came to HQ, she went mad, beating everyone out of the way to get to Ed. She almost got to blomp him too, but security finally caught her in the end and threw her out the window. (and I have the scars to prove it, damn them.)
And everywhere, guys have been proclaiming themselves gay and running to the scene only to be forced into therapy and made straight again.
-the author apoligizes for this random rant and promises never to do it again. Adding maybe to her statement-
Before Roy got a chance to decide if this smile was good or bad and to maybe fight the intense feeling to squeal all fangirly over Ed’s super adorable smile, Ed had pushed him out the window of his 5th story office. (A prime accomplishment, seeing as Ed didn’t open the window, yet the window didn’t break.)
“Brother!!!” Al cried.
“Psh, he deserved it.”
“I’m still hungry.” Al said after an akwatd silence.
“Me too. Let’s buy that pizza now.”
"Okay, use Roy's cell phone." Al suggested.
"You know, it's weird that we have such technology like this when it hasn't been WWI yet." Ed mumbled, grabbing the cell phone and punching in the nearest pizza joint. Al just shrugged.
"Hello, this is Dominos, can I take your order?" A sleepy sounding woman asked from the other end.
"Oh, cool! It worked, this is awesome!" Ed gasped.
"The hell? Okay, is this some kinda prank?"
"No! I wanted to order some pizza."
"Okay, then what's your order?"
"Uhhhh...I want...an extra large pizza with pepporonie and sausages and onions and peppers and cheese and pork and anchovies and pickles and ham and broccoli and squash and corn and muffins and Harry Potter and olives and Skittles and M&Ms and soup and jelly and Nelly and chicken nuggets and icicles and pudding and Ronald McDonald and...and...Orlando Bloom and Naruto and chocolate and Willy Wonka and DDR and- h-hello?! What the ********, they hung up! The nerve!"
"Awww, shoot." Al sighed. "What are we gonna do?
"I'll tell you what we'll do." The camera zoomed up to Ed's face while he gave a determined smirk. "We'll make it ourselves." He said as the Full Metal Alchemist logo annoyingly popped into the bottom right corner, giving vvarious fangirls only a moment to snog the tv screen before going to a commercial.
The whole screen went blue as white words slowly scrolled up as a guy’s boring voice said the following:
“We interrupt this episode of Full Metal Alchemist to bring you this important message.”
-blink- A girl with long black hair and amethyst eyes appeared. She was holding up a glass of milk. Zomg, is this an infomercial?!
“Okay people. Let’s say you’re sitting at home enjoying a nice, refreshing glass of milk.” She said, holding the milk close to the screen. Her nose wrinkled. “But what you might not’ve known was that its possible that your milk could contain trace amounts of bull milk. What is bull milk you might ask? Well, it happens when a farmer is tipsy and milked a bull instead of a cow!”
The audience gasped and started muttering to themselves.
The girl nodded and raised a hand to silence them. “I know. Now… do you get milk when you try and milk a bull?” She shook her head. “No, ya don’t. But if you’re lucky, you just get a bit of pee. But you don’t always get lucky, if ya know what I mean.”
Sounds of disgust from the audience.
The girl threw her glass of milk onto the wall behind her and pointed at the camera, a fire in her eyes and her hair floating from a burning red aura. “Protect yourselves and your children! Bull’s milk is dangerous, disgusting and might make girls pregnant with half human, half cow FREAKS!”
“YEAH!” The audience roared.
She pumped her fist into the air. “Join the AMA in the fight against milk and other dairy products! REVOLUTION!”
“REVOLUTION!” The audience quickly became a mob led by the girl, running outside and towards a dairy farm.
“The following message was brought to you by the Anti Milk Association or AMA. No cows or dairy or dairy farmers were harmed during the making of this commercial though some were before and especially afterwards. We’re not liable for that, we had a contract. If anyone was offended, the AMA president clearly states “We don’t care, NYAAAH!” We will now return you to your featured anime.”
-once again, the author apoligizes for going on a tangent again. She claims she won't do it again, but she has her fingers crossed, so you can't trust her-
Ed and Al were now sitting on the floor with a hand rafted pizza on the floor. It looked perfect, nice, warm, cheesy, and suspesiously sitting on a transmutation circle. The hell?! Floorboard do not equal pizza goodness!! That ain't equivalency!
"Wow...that looks really good." Al said in awe.
"Are you kidding me?! It's horrible! We failed, little brother!" Ed sobbed into his hands.
"Eh?"
"We...we couldn't transmute a topping!" Ed wailed, pointing an automail finger at the bar cheesy top. Hey, it's perfect like that, idiot! Toppings ruin it!
"Oh no! You're right!" Al gasped. "We're failures as alchemists, Brother!" He cried.
As the two started crying, wallowing in their topping-less angsty pain (and ignoring the tears across America! The Elric Brothers, crying?! Woe!!), Roy barged into the room. How rude, oh wait, it's his office. Anyway, he was looking a mess. Covered in leaves and blood..blood?! Holy crap!
"Eeeeeeedddd!" Roy growled.
Ed looked up, golden eyes sparkling with tears and overflowing with angst. The fangirl who was thrown out the window screamed and ran for Ed again to soothe all his problems and tell him its all right, but was caught and is now being forced to listen to Barney. Damn them, can't get the song outta my head...
"What the hell is your problem?!" Roy shouted.
"I couldn't transmute a topping! I failed Roy!!" Ed wailed, pointing to the pizza.
"Huh?" Roy blinked.
"Psst. You can always use Roy as a topping." Whispered an unknown person.
"What?!"
"...not a bad idea." Al said slowly.
"Yeeah...he might even be tasty..." Ed agreed.
"Hey! Wait a second..that...that's cannibalism!!"
"That's a big word." Ed decided. "Al, lock the doors!!"
"Yush Brother!"
"Wait Ed, you can't do this! I'm a higher rank!"
"Myahahaha..."
"Ed, put down that knife now! Ed?! Ed!! AAAAHHH!"
Later...
Ed and Al were sitting on the floor, happily enjoying some pizza with an odd looking meat on it. Al was still adding piece on.
"Ew, Brother, what should we do with this??" Al asked, holding up what looked like Roy's-cough, hack-
"You kidding me, that's the best part!" Ed exclaimed, grabbing it and stuffing it into his mouth. He chewed thoughtfully.
"Well? How's it taste?"
Ed grimaced and spat it out on Roy's desk. "Ewww, too chewy. Nasty."
..............................................................................................
CHAPTER 4:
ROY VS ELMO
Roy was sitting in his office, neglecting his paperwork as usual. A mini-tv was on his desk. It would seem that Roy was watching a workout video. Slightly moist girls were doing arobics in their tight leotards and whatnot. Now, if Roy was working out with them, it would be okay. But nooo, Roy was keeping his lazy a** right on his chair, watching the girls. How perverted.
"And jump! And jump! Workit girl!" Said the enthusiastic voice of the head workout person as she and her packup peoples jumped and squatted.
"Oh, I like the way you work it." Roy mumbled.
"The hell?"
"Ah, don't hurt me! Oh...Ed, it's you." Roy sighed, switching off the tv and cursed under his breath.
Ed blinked as he skipped into the office. "Wooooy, I have something for yoooouz"
Roy ignored Ed, looking for his pen. He failed to noticed the possessed look in Ed's eyes, the blank yet completely adorable expression on his face, the evil psycho smile on his lips, the thumb in his mouth (wat the??) and the bulge in his pants. Not gonna go on further then that, cause I fear my fangirl side will take over.
"What it is Ed." Roy said in an irratated tone.
"Weeeeeeell." Ed stuck his hand in his pants and searched around for something. Roy looked disturbed. Ed pulled out an Elmo doll thingy...well, that explains the bulge. And yeah...I know what you're thinking...you ALL want to be that Elmo doll.
Roy was staring at the Elmo doll, starting to feel sick. Just...how long was that in there for?
Ed patted Elmo on the head. "Here we go!" He smiled his smexy psycho smile at Roy, putting the Elmo on the desk. "You take care of him right?" He got all teary eyed. "They grow up so fast...don't they Roy..."
"...huh??"
"I'm gonna miss ya, buddy!" Ed huggled Elmo, then waved his napkin at Roy, saluted and toppled out a window.
Roy blinked again and shrugged. This hasn't been the first time Ed's fallen out of a window. And probably not his last. He glanced at the Elmo on his desk one last time before getting down to work...meaning he turned on the tv and watched girls work out again.
-
"Around and around we go, shall we stop? Who knows!" Yup, the workout girls were on the ground, spinning bicycle circles with their legs. Roy chuckled.
Elmo twitched.
Roy leaned closer to the screen, his cheeks dashed with red.
Elmo blinked and looked at him.
Roy didn't notice.
Elmo scooted itself next to him and watched with him.
Roy was still being a perverted.
"I sneak into houses and molest people while they are asleep!" Elmo stated.
Roy fell out of his chair. He stood up, staring at the Elmo doll. Did...did Elmo just talk?! Well, sure, they have fancy gadgets that make Elmo do that, but...molesting people?! What the crap!
"Nyehehehehehehe."
Okay..now Elmo's...laughing...weeeird.
"I am going to f-beep-ing kill you, muthaf-beep-!"
Holy...Isn't this a kid's toy??? Roy looked closely at Elmo.
Elmo bitched slapped him and flipped him off. "Shove that up your fat-a**, you stupid pile of bullshit!"
"Okay, that's it." Noone calls Roy fat and gets away with it! Oh, and a pile of bullshit but...really! Look at Roy's girlish figure and call him fat. Go on, do it!
After torching the readers that did call him fat, Roy faced the Elmo with a glare. He got ready to snap his fingers when...
"Nyehehehehe...missing something?" Elmo stood up, Roy's gloves on his scrawny red fingers. Roy gaped at him. Okay, time for help. He reached for the phone, dialing the toy help survice place thingy while Elmo pretended to squirt all over Roy...ewww, sexual immundo much.
"-click- Hello?"
"Uh, hi, is this...wait...2nd Luiteneant Havoc?!"
"Oh! Crap..."
"What the hell are you doing!?"
"Oh...um...you must be mistaken, my name is uh...Richardson...DeCaprio..."
"Ah, really? Sorry Richardson, I...hey, wait a minute!"
"Okay, okay, it's Jean. What's up?"
"Well, Ed just gave me his Elmo doll..."
"...huh??"
"Yeah, and it's kinda...acting up. Making all kinds of curses and gestures and really naughty stuff. How can you sell theses things to kids???"
"...what the crap are you talking about?"
"Ah, look." Roy held the phone to Elmo.
"What the f-beep-! I'm going to kill you! Nyehehe!"
"...Roy..."
"Isn't it weird? Wait, look-"
"Ohhh, you think you so smart? Well, f-beep- me!"
"..."
"See? It's using profanity! You heard it, right? Don't tell me I'm going crazy!"
"Uh...yeah, I heard it."
"Look Havoc, don't make me sue your a** off. This is some serious stuff!"
"Roy...that can't be our Elmo doll."
"It is-GAH! Ohmygawd, Elmo just smacked my a**!"
"Nice one, big boy!"
"EW!"
"I'mma gonna kill yer momma with a bloody axe! Nyehehe!"
"Ah! Jean, you hear that??"
"Yeah...uh, Sir?"
"What? Oh, wait, it's talking again."
"Shaddup Jackass! Nyehehe! I smoke crack! Ohhhh,"
"Havoc, Elmo's promoting drug use!!!!"
"Um...Sir? Okay, I'm letting you talk to the manager."
"Okay, just hurry."
"Nyeheheheeee!"
"Hello? How may I help you?"
"Hughes?!"
"Oh! Hi Roy!!"
"What the hell are you doing there!?"
"...I have a whole other life you don't know about Roy..."
"...anyway, are you manager?"
"Yes I am."
"I have like, this defective Elmo doll and it won't-"
"Wooooah Roy, what are you doing to said Elmo doll? Cause if you're doing something you really shouldn't...ya know, I know this GREAT place with people who have problems like you..."
"Hughes, what the hell do you think I'm doing to Elmo?!"
"As long as you use protection Roy..that's all I ask..."
"HUGHES!"
"Ahahha just joking, okay, go on."
"Okay, well Elmo is spitting out all these vulgar things and...demonic phrases and all, and I swear, I WILL sue your a** off!"
"What's Elmo saying?"
"Ahh, hold on."
"Ksfgsnpfd...aigandpfasdiofasdpohprdga-a.k.a. demonic noises-"
"Woah..."
"Yeah, and it's head is spinning...okay, I'm gonna try to get it to talk."
"Dsfgssfgbweg-you're a little man-whore, aren't you? Nyehehe!"
"Ooookay, Roy, are you sure you got it from us?"
"How the hell should I know, it's Ed's doll! More importantly, ELMO JUST CALLED ME A WHORE!"
"You smell like a camel's a**...ohhhhh,"
"What kinda toys are you people selling there!"
"W-w-well I know we sell-"
"I'm SO turning that place into a porno magazine place when I get through with you! This thing's scaring the hell outta me!"
"Die! Die! Dieee! Nyehehe!"
"Freaking wants me to die! How mean!"
"Do you know where Ed-"
"I will spit acid in your eyes and blind you! F-beep-er!!"
"Oh my gawd!"
"Elmo's gonna spit acid in my eyes and blind me! How will I see porn?! Help me Hughes!"
"I know, I heard! Crap!"
"Should I call the police or like, the FBI??"
"I...I don't know what to do!"
"What do you mean you don't know what to do! You're freaking manager!"
"Dood...I just walked in here and put on the uniform..I don't really work here."
"ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!?!?!"
"Ohhhh, I'm gonna give you gonorrhea!! Nyehehehe!"
"GAH! Hughes, Elmo wants to give me a sexually transmitted disease! That means he wants to rape me!-sobbing sounds-"
"...I have NEVER heard Elmo say that...I mean, he's talking in the 1st person now!"
"What the crap! Don't make me kill you...again!"
"I gotta gun! I'mma gonna shoot you now! NYEHEHEHE!"
"Hughes, he's threatening me with a gun!"
"Yeah, I heard but-"
"AAAH! HE'S GOT A GUN, HE'S GOT A GUN!"
"NYEHEHEHEHEHE!"
"Uh..."
HE'S GOT A GUN!
-BANG BANG BANG BANG BABABBANG-
"GYAAA! AAAAAAAGH!! NYAAAARRGH!"
"NYEHEHEHEHEHEHHEE!!!"
-BANGABANGABANGBANG BAAAAAAAAANG-
"YAAAAAAH! AAAAAAH!"
"NYEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHE!!!!!"
"GAH! Oof! ...erg..."
"NYEHEHE!-sounds of pants being taken off then some censored sounds-"
"Roy?! ROY! Oh gawd...I..-click-"
On an unrelated note, Winry's body was found strewn in pieces over Las Vegas. Ed cried for 5 minutes before finding a nickel and naming her Betty. Winry's blood spelled out: NYEHEHEHEHE!
..............................................................................................
CHAPTER 5:
PRANKED!
Ahh, it was a beautiful day. The birds were chirping, the squirrels were collecting nuts, the fangirls were plotting HQ takeover...o.O...yeah, okay...
Everything was normal...except in the Central Headquarters Cafeteria...
"RED DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWNNNNNNN!" It was an attack! Baloney and poup flew everywhere! People were screaming like little girls and running all over the place, falling left and right! It was a massacre!
"Brother, I've got the top floors secured!" Al said with a salute.
Ed grinned evilly. "Excellent, I'm almost done around here." He said, grabbing a huge glob of Tomato Tapioca poup and stuffed it into a gun.
Al's eyes widened. "Brother, that's the rarest, most powerful poup there is! What are you gonna do with it?!"
Ed aimed at the Fuhrer, who screamed in his high pitch voice. "Fullmetal, you can't! I still have to go bowling Tuesday!"
"MYAHAHAHAHA!!!" He shot, the red, bubbly glob flying through the air and smacking him full in the chest. Bradley screamed, falling to the floor and flopping around like a fish on crack before stilling.
"YES, THE FUHRER HAS FALLEN!" Ed and Al cheered.
"EEEEEEDDD! AAAAAALLLLL!" Oh no... it was him...it was...
"Flame Alchemist, Roy Mustang!" Al gasped, pointing a shaky finger at the Colonel; who was by the way, dripping wet and had something gooshy and brown all over him.
"Back from the sewers Roy?" Ed asked, giggling.
"WHY THE HELL DID YOU STUFF ME DOWN A TOILET FOR?!?!" Roy bellowed.
"Because Roy..." Ed grabbed a microphone. The room darkened, and a spotlight fell on Ed, who was on his knees. Snow fell softly behind him.
"Because I had a dream! I had a dream that I could bring my Mommy back from the dead, and we'll be happy again!" Ed said into the micrphone, all tearful and sparkly. "But did that dream come true Roy?! No, it did not!"
Al crawled into the spotlight, sniffling sadly and hugging his older brother. "It hurts." He agreed.
"So fine, I failed...so if I'll fail, I'll bring the world with me! We'll ALL live down in Hell, everyone as my servents, it'll all be mine! MINE! MINE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Ed threw his head back and laughed madly.
Roy stared at Ed like he was crazy.
"Al! Join my in my evil laugh! MWAHAHAHAHA!"
"MWAHAHAHA!"
Roy pulled out a large wooden mallet and whacked the two, knocking them out.
-
"Roooooy, I'm gonna sue! This is abuse! Child harrassment...or something!" Ed whined, kicking his feet around. He was leaning on a wall, wrapped tight in a straight jacket.
"I don't care Ed." Roy said, watching his mini-tv on his desk.
"How come Al didn't get the jacket! He was just as high as I was!"
"Because...he promised to be good if I let him play with my gloves." That's when sounds of explosions, screaming and maniac laughter wafted in through the window. "Ahh, s**t."
"Yea-yuh, little brother!" Ed cheered.
-5 minutes later-
Ed pouted, entertaining himself by seeing if he could kick his own head, getting upset after he found that he couldn't. "Rooooy, I have to go pee!"
"Too bad." Was Roy's reply.
"But Roooy, I drank like, 5 cans of Coke and I really really reeeeally gotta go!"
"Well, that's what you get for staging a hostile takeover." Roy said, sticking out his tongue.
Ed kicked his feet around more. "Roy, it's not good for my kidneys to hold it in!"
"So what, you can live with one kidney."
"I hate you!" Ed said tearfully.
"Nooooo, how will I live the rest of my life knowing Ed hates me." Roy said sarcastically.
"Wow Roy, never knew you cared." Ed said in awe.
"I don't." Roy said flatly.
"Then why the hell did you say that for?! Geez, and people say I need help." Ed muttered.
-another 5 minutes later-
"...I want a donut." Roy got up and started to walk out of the office when he felt himself stepping in something wet. He blinked and looked down at the large yellow puddle he was stepping in. A vein popped on his head. He glared at Ed, who was innocently rocking back and forth and humming Bratja.
"Ed..."
"Yes Roy?"
"...what's this on the floor?"
"Pee!" Ed cackled like a madman.
"How did it get here??"
"I did it!" Ed said proudly.
"You peed on my floor?!" Roy said, enraged.
"Yup, yup!"
"Okay, back to the asylum with you." Roy said, grabbing Ed by the back of his collar.
"Oh boy! They have crackers there!" Ed said excitedly as he was dragged out.
..............................................................................................
CHAPTER 6:
POWER THROUGH FAN FICTION
Ahh, it was a beautiful day. The birds were chirping, the squirrels were collecting nuts, the fangirls were plotting HQ takeover...o.O...yeah, okay...
Everything was normal...except in the Central Headquarters Cafeteria...
"RED DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWNNNNNNN!" It was an attack! Baloney and poup flew everywhere! People were screaming like little girls and running all over the place, falling left and right! It was a massacre!
"Brother, I've got the top floors secured!" Al said with a salute.
Ed grinned evilly. "Excellent, I'm almost done around here." He said, grabbing a huge glob of Tomato Tapioca poup and stuffed it into a gun.
Al's eyes widened. "Brother, that's the rarest, most powerful poup there is! What are you gonna do with it?!"
Ed aimed at the Fuhrer, who screamed in his high pitch voice. "Fullmetal, you can't! I still have to go bowling Tuesday!"
"MYAHAHAHAHA!!!" He shot, the red, bubbly glob flying through the air and smacking him full in the chest. Bradley screamed, falling to the floor and flopping around like a fish on crack before stilling.
"YES, THE FUHRER HAS FALLEN!" Ed and Al cheered.
"EEEEEEDDD! AAAAAALLLLL!" Oh no... it was him...it was...
"Flame Alchemist, Roy Mustang!" Al gasped, pointing a shaky finger at the Colonel; who was by the way, dripping wet and had something gooshy and brown all over him.
"Back from the sewers Roy?" Ed asked, giggling.
"WHY THE HELL DID YOU STUFF ME DOWN A TOILET FOR?!?!" Roy bellowed.
"Because Roy..." Ed grabbed a microphone. The room darkened, and a spotlight fell on Ed, who was on his knees. Snow fell softly behind him.
"Because I had a dream! I had a dream that I could bring my Mommy back from the dead, and we'll be happy again!" Ed said into the micrphone, all tearful and sparkly. "But did that dream come true Roy?! No, it did not!"
Al crawled into the spotlight, sniffling sadly and hugging his older brother. "It hurts." He agreed.
"So fine, I failed...so if I'll fail, I'll bring the world with me! We'll ALL live down in Hell, everyone as my servents, it'll all be mine! MINE! MINE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Ed threw his head back and laughed madly.
Roy stared at Ed like he was crazy.
"Al! Join my in my evil laugh! MWAHAHAHAHA!"
"MWAHAHAHA!"
Roy pulled out a large wooden mallet and whacked the two, knocking them out.
-
"Roooooy, I'm gonna sue! This is abuse! Child harrassment...or something!" Ed whined, kicking his feet around. He was leaning on a wall, wrapped tight in a straight jacket.
"I don't care Ed." Roy said, watching his mini-tv on his desk.
"How come Al didn't get the jacket! He was just as high as I was!"
"Because...he promised to be good if I let him play with my gloves." That's when sounds of explosions, screaming and maniac laughter wafted in through the window. "Ahh, s**t."
"Yea-yuh, little brother!" Ed cheered.
-5 minutes later-
Ed pouted, entertaining himself by seeing if he could kick his own head, getting upset after he found that he couldn't. "Rooooy, I have to go pee!"
"Too bad." Was Roy's reply.
"But Roooy, I drank like, 5 cans of Coke and I really really reeeeally gotta go!"
"Well, that's what you get for staging a hostile takeover." Roy said, sticking out his tongue.
Ed kicked his feet around more. "Roy, it's not good for my kidneys to hold it in!"
"So what, you can live with one kidney."
"I hate you!" Ed said tearfully.
"Nooooo, how will I live the rest of my life knowing Ed hates me." Roy said sarcastically.
"Wow Roy, never knew you cared." Ed said in awe.
"I don't." Roy said flatly.
"Then why the hell did you say that for?! Geez, and people say I need help." Ed muttered.
-another 5 minutes later-
"...I want a donut." Roy got up and started to walk out of the office when he felt himself stepping in something wet. He blinked and looked down at the large yellow puddle he was stepping in. A vein popped on his head. He glared at Ed, who was innocently rocking back and forth and humming Bratja.
"Ed..."
"Yes Roy?"
"...what's this on the floor?"
"Pee!" Ed cackled like a madman.
"How did it get here??"
"I did it!" Ed said proudly.
"You peed on my floor?!" Roy said, enraged.
"Yup, yup!"
"Okay, back to the asylum with you." Roy said, grabbing Ed by the back of his collar.
"Oh boy! They have crackers there!" Ed said excitedly as he was dragged out.
..............................................................................................
CHAPTER 7:
POWER THROUGH FAN FICTION
Okay, so it was a pretty okay day in Central. -.-; That's kinda boring...where's the ultimate power to make people do what I want?
Lets say that Roy was working in his office...and by working I mean watching porn. He suddenly jumps onto his desk, ripping his pants off to reveal a blue miniskirt.
...okay, I'm not saying I want that to happen. It's just funny alright?!?! I'M NOT GAY! -ahem-...anyway...
"I AM TARZAN! KING OF ALL YOU MONKEYS!" He bellowed, leaping out of a window. But of course, no one cares...
So then...lets say Envy appeared! With his hair all wrapped up in a towel, and only wearing another towel.
...I-AM-NOT-GAY. Moving on,
Envy shrieked like a little girl. "EEEEK! OMFG!"
"What is it, what is it?!" Scar shouted, running over.
"I coulda sworn I was in my room, and now I'm here!" Envy said in a rushed voice, tears pouring out of his eyes. "This is horrible! It was tea-time with Mr. Snuffles and now the cookies will get cold!"
Scar stared at him and blew his head up. Envy died...and Scar skipped out of the room. "Lalalalala!"
Okay, what now...uhm...I really don't know what to say besides the fact that Wrath and Al had Dante tied to a railroad and the train was coming at a great speed and Dante was screaming her head off and PMS-ing all over her dress. Then SPLAT! Ahahaha...-ahem- Okay...
On the ground, Roy was laying twitching in a pool of his own blood. Riza walked over to him and started poking him with her gun, which wasn't such a good idea, cuz he accidently shot him in the head.
She gasped. "Sir??!! Sir!! Speak to me!" She wailed, searching his pockets for money. "Roooooooy!"
Nearby, I was donating money to charity and spreading love to the world's children when I heard a cry for help. I gasped. "Im coming, tortured soul!"
Brother, whatcha doin?
Agh, for the love of crap Al, I'm trying to write something!
Oooooh! Sounds fun, can I join in?
-sigh- Fine.
Anyway, I started heroicly running to the scene. "What happened?"
But me, Alphonse Elric had gotten there first with my legion of kitties! "What seems to be the problem Miss?"
"R-roy...he got shot!" Riza wailed, counting out her wad of money.
"Shot!" I gasped, looking at the damage. It seemed like...he was shot in the head...and the red color of the liquid was pretty.
"Oh no! He's bleeding!" I said, pointing in horror at the hole in his head.
"Nooooo, really?" Riza muttered. "Cool! 5, 000 bucks! I'm rich!"
Riza ripped off HER clothes in a flourish, turning out to be wearing a tight black leather dress. She jumped into a car. "To Vegas!" She yelled, drivivng off.
"Wait! What about Mustang??" I called after he, but she was too far away.
"Brother...I don't think he'll make it..." I said sadly, kicking Roy's head a few times to try and stop the blood flow. He only bled more, go figure.
"I'm sorry Roy!" I cried, dumping him into the large hole I had dug while Al was kicking Roy's head. He made the sound of a drugged koala.
"Why a koala?"
"They're cute and fuzzy, duh."
"Ahh, touche."
--
Okay, I think that's long enough.
That was fun Brother!
It was! Let's do it again next time!
-yawns- Wow, that hot chocolate really knocked me out...wait a second...Ed?! Al?! The hell!
Crap, the sleeping potion wore off!
Run Brother, ruuuun!
DAMMIT, HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN MESSING UP MY FANFIC AGAIN?!?!
I'M SOOORRYYYYY! -runs like hell-
Brother, don't leave me with her!! -follows-
..............................................................................................
CHAPTER 8:
"P" WORDS
This chapter is going to make no sense because I haven't had my daily dose of Pixie Stix which is of course the kid's crack even though all it does is send me into a coughing fit which is highly uncomfertable cuz I don't like coughing, sneezing is better even though it gets me dizzy, but as I was saying this chapter is just random-er crap then I usually come up with, it won't even have like, a plot, cuz I'm awesome like that, of course none of the chapters have a plot, actually, they kinda do, eh, maybe not, hey look, a butterfly, butterflies are pretty but not when you squish them cuz they get all icky, what was I talking about, oh yeah, this chapter makes no sense cuz I think I developed ADD from Mar's fanfic, so blame her for the not-sense-making-ness of this chapter, that's why it doesn't make se-
"WHOULD YOU GET ON WITH IT ALREADY?!!?!" Ed yelled, flailing his arms around.
Well, soooooorry, I just wanted to inform the readers that this chapter makes no sense geez Ed, you're so rude. -.-
Ed pouted. "But you've said that like, 500 freaking times! And its a waste of chapter space."
So? Anyway, you might be wondering about the chapter title! Well-
"What chapter title?" Ed blinked, looking up at the pale blue bar WAY over his head. "Hey! Cool, a chapter title!" He blinked. "Hey, why do they all start with P?"
"She was getting to that, so shut up!" Roy yelled from his desk, sighing as he flipped through another page of his magazine.
-.-; Thank you Roy. As I was saying-
"Chapter 4 starts with R!!!!" Ed yelled in fury, pointing at it.
...well, an R is only a P with a little tail at the end...I learned that in kindergarden...
"Just let the woman talk already!!" Roy snapped.
"What if I don't want to!?"
Oho! You dare challenge the power of a fanfiction author???? Didn't you learn what we could do last chapter?!
"...oh, I'm sorry, were you saying something? I was too busy not listening." Ed said with a small sigh.
THAT'S IT! Suddenly, a hole appeared under Ed, sending him hurtling down the abyss, where thousands of hungry fangirls awaited him!
"NUUUUUuuuuuuu..."
Roy shuddered. "That was evil."
"So?" A girl walked into the room, tugging irritably at her hair hanging in her face. "He was annoying me."
"Ooooh, and who might you be?" Roy asked, winking at her as he checked her out.
"The author." Her eye twitched. "You know, Ayumi?"
"Crap...that mean I can't have sex with you?"
"GOODBYE!" Ayumi pushed him into the hole of fangirls, as another happy cry of bliss yelled out from inside. Roy screamed.
"...dammit, I ran out of characters to be idiots with..." Ayumi muttered, scratching her head. " AL! MYSTERIOUSLY APPEAR!"
Al appeared...mysteriously. And he was wearing an apron and had a mysterious...red...liquid all over him.
"Oh gawd, Al!" Ayumi screamed in horror, covering her face.
Al blinked. "What?" He held up...a fajita. "I was just making sauce!"
Ayumi sniffed the apron. "...in Dante's blood?"
"...dogs need to eat mexican food too."
"Ahh, touche." Ayumi shrugged, looking around. "Hey, I don't exactly think we had a convo that made absolutely NO sense, right?"
"Oooo! Let's have one now! So like...how's the weather?"
"Well Ayumi, its 80 degrees today! The sky is completely clear, as if it were summer, I'd say it's time to hit the beach!" Al said excitedly.
"Is it now?" Ayumi looked out the window, staring at the blizzard that happened to be taking place JUST on Central HQ. "..."
"But like...we'd freeze to death, HEY! Where's Brother?"
"Probably being stripped and mauled to death by adoring fans." Ayumi replied casually.
Al's eyes widened like woah. "Oh gawd! Brother, I'm coming!" Al dived bravely into the hole, only to scream in horror.
"Yeah, that was idiotic..." She sighed, clapping her hands. Ed and Al appeared next to her.
"Don't do that again! That was scary!" Ed wailed.
Ayumi shrugged. "Hey, you guys still have Roy's credit card from chapter 2?"
Al gasped. "You're right! We do!"
Ayumi beamed. "Yay! Let's go buy stuff on credit 'til it maxes out!"
"Yeah!" They ran out.
"WAUGH! DON'T LEAVE ME HEAR!" Roy yelled, using the wrong form of the word 'here'. But they left him there and he got fangirled to death, then the girls did...stuff to his body and everyone lived a happy ending...yeah...
-
XD That was fun!
..............................................................................................
CHAPTER 9:
PANCAKES
Envy was sitting in his room, humming a happy song and paining his fingernails black. He had his back to the window, a stupid mistake because...
"NII-SAN!!!" Ed squealed, jumping through the window and pouncing on the homunculus. Envy screamed. "Dammit Ed, don't you ever knock!?"
"It wouldn't be a surprise then!" Ed pouted. "And ya know I like surprising ya, Biggest Bestest Brother!"
"Go away." Envy replied, turning back to his nail polish. "Gawd, I wish you never found out we were related."
Ed got all teary-eyed. "But...But Nii-san..." He started crying. "Waaaaah, Brother hates me!"
"Waugh! Don't cry!" Envy yelled frantically, flailing his arms around. Ed continued to cry anyway, making alot of fangirls also cry because it was sad and that he looked UBER cute crying.
"Okay! Okay, stop! I don't hate you!"
"Weally?" Ed sniffled. Envy sighed, rolling his eyes. "Yes, really."
"Yay!" Ed squealed, glomping the Sin. Envy stiffened. "Ahh, the love...it burns..." He muttered.
"Make me some pancakes Brother!" Ed yelled in a quick subject change after he let go.
Envy started to say no, but he noticed Ed's uber cute sparkly eyes and had to say yes, in fear that the whole sappy 'Brother hates me' thing would start again.
Ed squealed, running out of the room. Envy followed him, wishing that Roy was here.
-
"MYAHAHAHA!!!" Al yelled, running around Roy with a rope in his hand, securing his binds to the chair.
"Mmpfh!" Roy thrashed around, trying to bite off the tape on his mouth.
Al grinned all evil and psychopathic. "Ladies!" He called, opening the door in a dramatic flourish. Roy's eyes expanded to mucho size as a swarm of fangirls rushed into the room and started fangirling at him.
"Oooo! Roy, you so cute!"
"Marry me!"
"Have my kids, Roy!"
Al threw his head back and cackled evilly. Riza noticed the sudden fangirl invasion and rushed inside, gasping at the sight.
"Back off, he's mine!" She cried out, pulling out her gun.
-
"Wraaaaaaaaaaath!!" Ed tackled the younger homunculus, rolling around on the floor with him, as they both laughed their heads off.
"Get a room." Envy muttered, making them gasp and scramble to their feet.
"WE'RE NOT GAY!"
"Course your not." Envy rolled his eyes, pulling out a frying pan and starting to heat it.
"Oooo! Pancakes??" Wrath gasped.
"Yeah, whatever."
"Yay!" A few minutes of silence passed. "Is it hot yet?" Wrath asked, sticking his finger onto the hot metal. "OW!"
"Idiot!" Envy yelled.
"That hurt..." Wrath muttered tearfully, sucking on his burnt finger.
"Is it?" Ed poked his finger in there. There was a sizzling sound, then Ed started crying. "Waaaah, it's my automail, I can't feel it!"
Wrath patted his back. "Dun worry, I'll show you it's hot." He said, poking his other finger in. "OW!"
Envy sweatdropped. "Uh..."
"HEY! You just burned my hand, you jackass!"
"It ain't your hand no more, so NYAH!"
"Screw you!"
"Your mom!"
"...that was mean." Ed sniffled.
"I'm sorry." Wrath pouted, patting Ed's head.
"UGH, YOU BOTH ARE IDIOTS! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!" Envy suddenly shouted out, running off and vowing murder of all the chickens in McDonald's farm. E-i-e-i-o...
"WAIT, THE PANCAKES!" Wrath yelled after him.
"We'll make some ourselves!" Ed said, in his secret language that really meant of course, 'Let's steal all of Envy's barbies and cook them!'
Wrath nodded, understanding the lingo completely. "Yay!"
..............................................................................................
CHAPTER 10:
PULP AND OTHER ORANGEY STUFFS
Roy was sitting in his office, leaned back in his chair with his feet on the desk (on top of some important papers he should be working on, I might add). Totally relaxed and calm, glad that for once, the Elrics weren't here to bother him. He sighed happily, deciding to eat a juicy orange. That was his first mistake...
He was halfway through his orangy snack when he heard an angry shriek. He blinked, looking around, then shrugged, stuffing the rest of the orange into his mouth.
"YOU b*****d!" Ed crashed through the ceiling, debris raining down everywhere. Roy gasped in surprise, which was stupid because it make him choke on some of the orange.
Ed's eyes widened as he stared at the orange pulp in his mouth. "Roy, how could you?!" He yelled tearfully, starting to throttle him.
"Graaaahgh, Erard, hrm shokein!" Roy shouted through his orange.
"To a poor defenseless orange too! You're a murderer AND a b*****d! DIE!"
"Ed!" Roy shouted, b***h slapping his subordinate. Ed gasped, staggering back and touching his cheek.
"You meanie! I'm telling!"
"Look Ed, I'm not in the mood for your crap right now, so scram." Roy muttered, rubbing his throat.
"Colonel, I'm insulted! I do not appreciate you openly insulting my caring for the being and welfare for the soon to be endangered species of the common orange, so if you would please stop being a perverted, incompetent FOOL, I can tell you what I have to say and dismiss myself!" Ed stated, sniffing indignity.
Roy stared at him, trying to comprehend what was just said. "...huh?"
"Shut the hell up!"
"Oh..." Roy sighed, knowing Ed wasn't gonna leave if he was run over by a bulldozer. Man, how he wished he had a bulldozer..."Okay, go on then."
Ed beamed, getting into a dramatic stance. "Now, first I wanna say, aren't YOU glad you're not an orange?"
"Uh...yeah...sure...whatever..."
"I'm being serious, Mustang! Think of it, it's a wretched life!"
"Ed...they're inanimate objects." Roy blinked.
"As if! Imagine THIS scenario...at first, yeah; it's a good life, being an orange..."
"Oh, great.." Roy groaned slowly.
"Cuz really, you're this pretty little bud and ya smell nice and all... and you hang out with your orange friends and family, just hanging on the Mother Orange Tree, getting nice and round, ya know...orange stuff." Ed nodded slowly. "But then...this giant-"
Roy snorted, interrupting. Ed glared at him. "Shut up, humans are huge compared to the diminutive size of an orange!"
"Or to you..."
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE COULD LIVE IN THE SEED OF AN ORANGE?!?!!"
"See, I knew your short rant would have to do with oranges..." Roy mused.
Ed shook it off, returning to his rant. "This giant just comes up to you and grabs you, and he stuffs you into this basket, then into a crate with all these strange stranger oranges, away from home and your peeps...and what if you were on the bottom?! You'll be all squeezed and cramped from other orange bodies! Then, you’d have to be stifled on the bottom of the pile of oranges, living in discomfort, squashed, desperately hoping that someone will come and take you away from this misery, oh gawd, when will it end?! I want freedom!!!"
Roy inched his self closer to the phone. Ed really WAS taken out to early from the asylum...
"Then! Finally! Freedom comes! You can finally breathe, nice and safe...but oh, no, once again, you're stuck into a NEW hell, one called a shopping bag! Oh gawd, why?! WHY!?!?!" Ed dropped to his knees and sobbed.
Roy stared at him, deciding that Ed was crazy and should get mental help like now.
"Oh no, it doesn't end there...you're stuffed into another bag, and another, then into the trunk of someone's car, where you're thrown around with things you ain't see before! Like...bread and...and...jerky." Ed screamed in horror.
"Jerky..." Roy repeated numbly.
Ed nodded, his eyes wide and scared and cute looking. "And then! You're thrown into a fruit basket, with all these other fruits you don't know, like this long yellow one and this...this shiny red thingy and...you're just so scared, being the poor little orange, there's no hope that I'll be free! You just wallow in your misery...wishing you were home!"
Roy was starting to notice that it sounded like Ed thought he was an orange. He blinked again.
"Then a new, scary hand grabs you, and you just know...the suffering's gonna be over soon, but at a terrible price!! They lift you high into the air, tear off your skin from your shaking body, AH, THE PAIN!! WHEN WILL THIS TORTURE END?!?!" Ed fell to the floor and writhed in an orangey agony.
Roy stared like woah, another sweatdrop cramming itself in the crowd of sweatdrops already gathered there. "Uh...Ed?"
"And then they rip apart your segmenty insides and eat you! Swallowing the tart yet sweet nectar that is your blood, and you die in the bowels of the human stomach!!!" Ed did one final scream before falling limp, twitching a bit.
Roy sweatdropped yet again, picking up his phone. "Hi, is this the local Asylum? Yes, I would like to request someone for you to pick up...yes, I can wait..."
Ed suddenly jumped to his feet and threw the phone out the window. Roy stared dumbstruck at him. Ed jabbed a finger at his face.
"Now! Aren't you glad you're not an orange?"
"...yeah...sure..." Roy coughed. "But you are fully aware that oranges have no emotions, right?"
"That's because we've MADE them that way! They have nothing to live for anymore!"
"Ed...once again, they're inanimate objects, they stop feeling pain after they're picked off the trees." Roy told him slowly.
"That's the point!" Ed ranted. "The orange tree...it's like their mother! Their life source, dammit! Once they're separated, there's no hope for the oranges! Cutting them off to die a slow, tortured death, like starving or something! WE'RE EATING AND KILLING ANOTHER'S BABY!!!!!"
Roy was now officially freaked out now. "Ed..."
“And what happens when we JUICE them! That’s like, sucking their blood from their orange bodies, leaving them withered and empty...we can't let this continue! This is not an isolated problem Roy, this is wide-spread!"
"Uh..."
"THIS INHUMANITY AGAINST ORANGES CAN NOT AND SHALL NOT LAST!"
"..."
"When the rebellion starts, are you gonna be a fighter or a hater?!" Ed demanded.
"I'm...just...gonna...stay out of this, okay?"
Ed glared at him. "FINE! Be an orange hater! But I'll let you know, ONE day, you'll look back on this and you'll regret it! When you decide that the plight of orange abuse is worthy of your oh SO important time, then I'll be in the hall, NOT eating an orange!" He turned on his heel and stomped out of the room.
"Wtf?" Roy asked himself, blinking rapidly. "Yeah...he's on crack..."
"YA HEAR THAT ORANGES?!?! I CARE ABOUT YOU! YEAH! UNLIKE THAT ORANGE HATER! ...YEAH, I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, ROY!!!" Ed yelled from outside.
"What?!"
"BECAUSE I WUUUUV ORANGES! I'LL MAKE SURE THEY WONT BE EATEN BY THE PEOPLE WHO DONT CARE BOUT THEIR FEELINGS LIKE A CERTAIN FLAME ALCHEMIST I KNOW WHO'S NAME SHALL NOT BE REVEALED -coughROYcough-"
"Okay, that's it!" Roy grabbed another orange and started violently ripping its skin off. "How ya like that??? Hmmmmm????"
Ed gasped, jumping in through the window. "Oh no! Stop it! The poor orange!" Ed wailed.
Roy smirked, peeling the rest of it and slowly cutting it into evenly divided slices.
"STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!"
Roy grabbed a slice and slowly brought it to his mouth.
"NUUUUUU!!!!" Ed tackled Roy to the ground, grabbing the orange slices and weeping. "Hold on, lil' buddy! I'll save ya!"
"Get off me!"
"THAT'S IT, YOU DISRESPECTFUL OF FRUIT PEOPLES!!! YOU SHALL PAAAAAY!" Ed yelled, clapping his hands and transmuting Roy into an orange. "Fight the power! Free the oranges!" He cried out, pumping his fist into the air.
"What the- ahh! I'm an orange!"
"Muahahahaha!!!"
"Well, this is strange." Roy blinked, rolling over his subordinate.
"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, ARE YOU CALLING ME SHORT, DAMMIT, WHO ARE YOU CALLIGN SO SMALL HE COULD BE LICE FOR A FLEA MITE?!?!?!" Ed yelled at both the author and the orange, grabbing Roy and starting to fling him into the air and juggle him.
"WAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!!" Roy screeched, his orange eyes spinning.
Ed then grabbed a knife and started peeling Roy. "MUAHAHAHA!!!"
"AAAAAHHHH! NOO! You wouldn't kill your friend, would you?!"
"I can barely call you a friend, you're more of an acquaintance that I just work for and occasionally annoy."
"Occasionally???”
“Okay….I annoy all the time.”
“Oh...okay…well...-ahem-...continue."
"Okay then..." Ed continued to peel him.
Roy screamed in pain.
"MUAHAHA, NOW YOU KNOW ORANGE PAIN!" Ed cackled, finishing and cutting Roy in half.
Roy woulda fainted if I wasn't mean enough to keep him fully conscious so he can be in pain longer. Heh heh heh...
Ed continue to cackle madly, grabbing one half of Roy and squeezing him into a juicer he just transmuted.
"AAAUUUGH, THE PAIN!" Roy yelled.
"Muahaha, etc, etc." Ed grabbed the resulting glass of Roy juice and gulped it down, sighing happily and patting his stomach. "Ahh, that's some good ORANGE BLOOD!" He cackled again, grabbing Roy's other half and holding it at his lips. "Any last words?"
"You're mean! I don't think you're even Ed, you're just an evil imposter! Meanie!" Roy wailed.
"I have to teach you a lesson Roy.." Ed glared evilly and quite sexily.
"BY KILLING ME?!?!?!!!!!!!?!"
"...yes." And with that being said, Ed stuffed Roy into his mouth and chewed slowly before swallowing. "Mmmm, orange! Roy." He murmured.
THE END, FOR NOW.
..............................................................................................
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Princess Kagome's Journal
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