You ever take a crap so big your pants fit better?
I was sittin' in a bean bag chair, naked, eating Chee-tos.
They call me Tater Salad. I call my son Tater-tot.
Beyond Jim Gaffigan's Paleness
I went to a birthday for a four year-old once, that was awkward. Probably because I wasn't invited.
I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and thought afterward it was a good idea. I'm usually like "I'm gonna die!"
"Hey, it's Ted's birthday." That guy's a jerk. "There's cake in the conference room." I guess I'll go say hello.
******** ME; I'm questing again
The Triumphant Return!
Well hello there everybody! After many months of random popping in and out of the Gaia-verse, I am pleased to say that I'm back! I'm ready to role play with Gaia's finest and hit the games hard for some alchemy ingredients. Much love to you all!
Lewis Black Rocks Your World
You can't show footage of a Landrover running over a cat and say that the cat was trying to kill itself.
When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween and Santa wasn't poking his a** into it.
I've seen the end of the universe and it's in the United states and oddly enough in Houston, Texas. I know, I was surprised too.
People wonder if there are too many Starbucks; now we know. When there's a Starbucks across from a Starbucks, that's it, game over.
I have N*Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears: I have a trifecta from Hell.
Most people think that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days and that's a liar, liar, pants on fire situation; most families don't make it past the fourth day. "C'mon, aren't we gonna light the lights?" "Uhh. No, enough is enough."
There's no such thing as bad language... We are adults, these are words we use to express frustration, rage, anger in order we don't pick up a tire iron and beat the s**t out of each other.
Daniel Tosh FTW.
That's a breakfast joke. It's the most important joke of the day.
I wanted to date a Chinese girl but that is a big red flag.
You ever wonder why there's storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I'm looking for a tornado to take me anyplace.
I would like to think I possess the characteristics to be a member of the secret service but I'm really scared that on the application question one is "Are you a p***y?"
Server another bucket [of fried mayonnaise balls], quickly, I felt my blood moving!
I like to make it hail. That's when you throw change at sluts. "Ow, stop! Were those nickels?" "Yeah, I'm a baller on a budget, b***h."
The Queen of Mean- Lisa Lampanelli
One you go black you'll be using your crack.
Two weeks? That's four years in gay.
Jew! What do you call your p***s? Your imaginary friend?
I tried to TiVo T.J. Hooker once, it suggested I punch myself in the c**t.
Once you go Hispanic Mom and Dad start to panic.
You're not just dark, you're blurple.
You're never too poor for good toilet paper. It's a law. I would live off of Top Ramen noodles if I can wipe my a** with the fluffy stuff. -Steve McGrew
"Oh, he's a character." Translation "Oh, he's retarded." -Jon Reep
"Josep, you want breakpast? You want some Prosted Plakes?" After you hear that all your life you're like "Mom, what the puck are you talking about?" -Joseph "Jo" Koy
I don't care if you're a carpenter, you don't know what 10 centimeters is until you see your wife give birth. -Billy Gardell
I had a racist thought the other day. I saw a taxi that turned out to be a cop car. I thought, "Finally, a cab that'll pick a brother up." -Ted Alexandro
I saw two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping-pong. Now that's some suspicious lookin' activity right there. -Greer Barnes
Some content here may be considered offensive. Proceed at your own discretion.
I'm a freebie art whore; deal with it. 8D
I have but recently returned from the valley of the shadow of death I'm rapturously breathing in all the odors and essences of life I've been to the brink of total oblivion I remember and ferment the desire to remember everything
I hardly noticed heaped red petals outside my window already half a finger deep. Shadows of flowers shatter in the wind, and, huddled in spring sleep, I suddenly wake up from wine.
Here's that lovely one, finely featured, comes to whisper in my ear, And asks, "Haven't you sobered up yet today?" Such tenderness, softly and slowly, teases me drunk again.
Though I go to you ceaselessly along dream paths, the sum of those trysts is less than a single glimpse granted in the waking world.