51 Rules

The Rules of NCIS

Gibbs:
#1- Never let suspects stay together.
#1- Never Screw over your partner.
#2- Always wear gloves at a crime scene.
#3- Don't believe what you're told. Double check.
#3- Never be unreachable.
#4- The best way to keep a secret? Keep it to yourself. Second best? Tell one other person - if you must. There is no third best.
#6-Never say you're sorry. It's a sign of weakness.
#7- Always be specific when you lie.
#8- Never take anything for granted.
#9- Always carry a knife.
#10- Never personally get involved in a case.
#11- When a job is done, walk away.
#12- Never date a coworker.
#13- Never, ever, involve lawyers, things are bound to turn nasty.
#15- Always work as a team.
#18- It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission.
#22- Never, ever, bother Gibbs in interrogation.
#22- Always carry a razor.
#23- Never mess with a marine's coffee. If you want to live.
#27- Two ways to follow: First way they never notice you. Second way they only notice you.
#28- Never run with sharp objects.
#29- Never fall asleep at your desk while handwriting a report.
#38- Your case, your lead.
#39- There is no such thing as a coincidence.
#40- If you think someone's out to get you, they are.
#42- To get the right answers, you have to ask the right questions.
#44- Hide the women and children first.
#51- Sometimes you're wrong.

Abby:
#1- Don't lie to Abby.
#1- Don't forget Abby's birthday
#2- Treat the team as family; desertion not permitted.
#3- Scientists do not rely on luck.
#4- Gibbs' gut is allowed to be lucky because he is not a scientist.
#5- Don't forget to defrag your computer.
#6- Trust the evidence.
#7- Trust Gibbs.
#8- Dress codes are for other people.
#9- Always keep a spare.(Caf-POW!)
#10- Be happy.

McGee:
#1- When in doubt, speak geek.
#2- When colleagues insist that the characters in your book are based on them, repeat the word  'fiction'.
#3- When the computers won't work and the computer technicians won't work, fix them yourself.
#4- Always speak the truth.
#5- Always be respectful and polite, no matter what the provocation.
#6- Take all opportunities to get the revenge of the nerd whilst maintaining very polite language.
#7- Use vocabulary and implacable will to intimidate the person you interrogate.
#8- Be willing to stand up to gangleaders by using your height to stare down upon them.
#9- Don't ask, so that they won't have to tell.
#10- Avoid heights.

Ziva:
#1- If it annoys you, kill it.
#2- Attack first, ask questions later.

Tony:
#1- I don't sit on the sidelines when my people are in trouble.
#2- If a sexually attractive woman is involved in the case, always hit on her.
#3- Never underestimate your opponent.
#4- Always seek out a movie analogy.
#5- Take every opportunity to do a Tommy Lee Jones speech from the Fugitive.
#6- When doing Tommy Lee Jones impressions, get the accent right.
#7- Always defuse a situation with humor rather than resorting to authoritarianism.
#8- Never date a woman who eats more than you.
#8- Always make sure your work is done but make it look like you are just lazing around.
#9- If said work is not done, come back in the middle of the night to complete it.
#9- Never ask a woman her weight on the first date.
#10- Do not fall in love when working undercover.
#11- Do not go undercover posing as the boyfriend of somebody.
#12- Be very careful who you tongue-kiss, it may be a man in disguise.
#13- Never pick on a probie when he is down.
#14- Maintain the morale of the rest of the team, even when you have sufficient experience to be really very worried about Gibbs.
#15- Develop a first-name relationship with the Director but defer to Gibbs.

Unofficial Gibbs Rules
Unofficial Rule A: We don't believe in coincidence.
Unofficial Rule B: But we do believe in bad luck.
Unofficial Rule C: Don't speak geekspeak, speak English.
Unofficial Rule D: Headslap only the back of your underlings' heads: anything else would be demeaning. "A slap to the face would be humiliating; a slap to the back of the head is a wake-up call."
Unofficial Rule E: Always anticipate
Unofficial Rule F: Know how to do every job that your underlings can do
Unofficial Rule G: If a computer doesn't work, hit it.
Unofficial Rule H: Always acknowledge good work by underlings.
Unofficial Rule I: When using Truth by Intimidation, always remain silent for at least a count of 5 after doing the act of intimidation, at which point the canary will sing.
Unofficial Rule J: When in the interrogation room, stop the recording devices when the information strays into personal matters irrelevant to the investigation (e.g., don't ask/don't tell rules for gay marines, revelations of unrequited love)
Unofficial Rule K: When your cell phone breaks, have DiNozzo "re-boot" it (unwrap a new one from the supply drawer)
Unofficial Rule L: Always ask for permission to touch the body: it belongs to the M.Examiner.
Unofficial Rule M: When doing a shootout, don't kill the hostage and avoid shooting off their ear.
Unofficial Rule N: Don't call Ziva 'Ma'am' and don't call the Director 'Madam Director', if you want to live.
Unofficial Rule O: When hacking the CIA, give underlings a get out of jail free pass.
Unofficial Rule P: When breaking others' rules, do not get caught.