Gaytheists everywhere would have you believe that there is not a God of the gays. However, they are wrong.There is a God of the gays and he is quite real. I pinched myself, so I would know.
Now that we have established that he exists. Let us delve further into his constitution. He is a bad motherfucker. He is so bad that he finished that phrase even though he was told to shut his mouth. He is the baddest Slytherin since he who shall not be named.He is the burning sensation in your scarification. He is so bad that he gets free cookies from the supermarket even though they are meant for children 12 and under. He is so bad that Republicans blame him for everything Obama has done wrong.
Hence, Mortals fall on their knees at his very name. A name so great that it can not be pronounced by a lispful tongue. A name so great that Sweet Brown has time to say it. But she can`t! So Sing and rejoice my gay child for Sheldon, the vengeful, jealous God is the one and only true gaylord and he is quite real. (Gurlll 7:21).
Those who deviate from the un-straight path will have their glitter upon their heads. They will be forced to live in a realm where Mitt Romney becomes the Republican candidate for President. I know, it is a bizarre world and it sounds very surreal. Mark my word, that world does exist and it is a hellish world.If you fear such a world then there are a few things you can do to appease me.
1. Do not de-preciate the value of an item I am selling. Sell your body if you need gold that badly and stop deflating my items.
2. Sacrifice a goat. Throw some curry on that bitch. I hate biting into sacrifice goat without some flavoring.Have you had raw goat?
3. Be a Denver Broncos fan. You instantly get beamed up at the next Rapture, the gay one anyway. If you are a Raider fan then you already know where you are going. Straight to Oakland. A place worse than any hell.
4. Write me a Haiku. Bitches love Haiku.
5. Send me a suggestions for revenge chick flicks. I love those. Ms.45!
6. Join Gay Heaven guild.
Let there be ambiance. Then, there was ambiance.....
The New Testament
Testament...Testament...Is this thing on?
Millenniums ago, I told Adam and Steve not to wear white after Labor Day as it was
not fashionable and their whites would clash with the white of snow.
Yet, they defied me and worse, tried to get away with it by wearing egg white.
Where did they even find shirts in egg white? Undoubtedly, I did not take this
slight lightly or even darkly and I kicked them out of my private garden. No longer
were lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgender/sexuals, and pansexuals allowed
over for long island ice tea on my patio. Nay,they were banished from my realm and
forced to have intercourse with those of the opposite sex. Except the bisexuals,
they were given a bad reputation instead since they enjoy sex with either sex.
(I am a wise god).
However, that is all water under the arc now. Times have changed. God, my step brother
has a new son thus making me an uncle. This has caused some maturation in my person and I realize
that I can no longer hold on to these grudges. Of course I am not admitting to a mistake as I can make no mistake. Whatever that word means.
Instead, I suppose that my L.B.G.T.Q.Q.I.A. (can we have market research work on that acronym?) children, the chosen people, should experience my love.
Accordingly, I will meet privately with my representatives on earth to establish houses of worship, henceforth
called gay bars. It is here, that my children can dance to classic hymns like "Toxic" by saint Britney Spears and get closer
to me. But not too close, because I need to return this jacket tomorrow.
Still, I can not be seen as being too lenient in the god community. Shiva`s bitching would know no end. So, if you would
endure centuries more of discrimination and lack of rights I would appreciate it. Don`t worry it will all end in 2020 any way.(spoiler alert--You die)