100 Things Jubilee Has Learned At The X-Mansion
1. Clear Eyes© is an inappropriate gift for Scott.
2. I may not refer to Professor Xavier as "Sugar Daddy".
3. St. John Allerdyce is a pyrokinetic, not a "flamer".
4. To "kick a** and chew bubblegum" is not a valid career choice.
5. Introducing myself as the "Goddess of a**-Whoopings" while on a mission in primitive lands is not funny.
6. Cerebro is not an IMAX theater, and it is therefore wrong to sell tickets to it.
7. I may not "recreate something I saw on the d**k Clark New Year's Special".
8. Scott is not a One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People Eater in disguise, and it is wrong to tell the little kids that he is.
9. Jean Grey cannot give me winning lottery numbers, and I should stop asking her to.
10. I will not ask Remy to say "Call me now for your free reading" ever again.
11. May not threaten any student with "hot plasma death".
12. Must not dare Bobby to turn the kitchen into an ice rink. He'll always do it.
13. Storm will not make it snow in July "just to freak out Al Roker".
14. Storm cannot literally make it rain cats and dogs, and I should stop telling the other students that she can.
15. Wolverine is not my personal box cutter.
16. May not hover my finger around Rogue and continuously say "I'm not touching yoooooou...".
17. Will not tell the little kids that Professor Xavier is really Santa Claus after a clean shave, and that they should sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas.
18. Not allowed to chew gum during missions unless I bring enough for everyone.
19. (Next Day) Not allowed to chew gum on missions even if I did
bring enough for everyone.
20. Not allowed to call Batman a "p***y".
21. Even if he is.
22. I am not the Empress of Mutopia.
23. Not allowed to videotape missions and sell them to Hollywood studios as adventure films.
24. Not allowed to taunt Juggernaut by asking if he's "compensating for something".
25. Taking bets on who's going to die and be resurrected next is a tasteless act, not an ingenious money-making plan.
26. It is wrong to shave Beast's back while he sleeps, even if it's to make a wig for Professor Xavier.
27. Sending plasma sparks everywhere and flopping around on the floor like a seizure victim is not funny.
28. Not allowed to call Dazzler the "prototype".
29. M stands for "Monet", not "Man, she's an uber-b***h!"
30. Not allowed to accuse random students of being Mystique in disguise.
31. Never allowed to start a mission statement with "Dude, you've gotta hear what happened to me last week!".
32. The Black Bird and other X-Vehicles do not connect to form a giant robot, and so I should stop asking to see it.
33. Gateway will not make me a portal to Cancun for Spring Break.
34. After Forge creates a new helpful piece of equipment, singing "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto" to him is not a proper means of expressing gratitude.
35. Not allowed to roast marshmallows in Jono's chest cavity ever again.
36. Responding to anything Rogue says with "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" is not funny.
37. Not allowed to sell pictures of Beast in the backyard to tabloids and National Geographic under the premise of a Bigfoot encounter.
38. Not allowed to challenge the Brotherhood to a "dance-off".
39. It is wrong to tell new students that Kitty is the ghost of a girl who died in the Institute.
40. It is also wrong to tell new students that the sublevels house the dungeon and torture chambers.
41. I am not the Professor of Awesome-ology.
42. Nor am I the Professor of Mall Studies.
43. I am not a professor, period.
44. Not allowed to scream "SENTINELS!!" during a showing of War of the Worlds.
45. Sage is not here to do my homework.
46. Warren is not my personal Jesus.
47. Kurt is not a Dark Elf, and I should stop asking him to join my party of adventurers.
48. I cannot "catch" psychic, and should therefore not sell the right to touch me to new students as a means of being infected with telepathic powers.
49. I stay at the "Xavier Institute for Higher Learning", not the "X-Crib".
50. The Phoenix Force cannot countermand any of my mission orders.
51. It is inappropriate to ask Professor Xavier to "do donuts" around the basketball court.
52. Not allowed to collect Warren's feathers to use as school supplies for when I receive my letter to Hogwarts.
53. Professor Xavier's nickname is not "Wheels", no matter how much Wolverine says so.
54. Not allowed to "borrow" Rogue's gloves for yard work.
55. Beast's real name is Hank McCoy, not "King Kong", and I should stop referring to him as such.
56. Not allowed to ask Jean if "the carpet matches the drapes".
57. Not allowed to ask Scott
58. Forge will not make me a time machine out of a 1981 DeLorean.
59. The Morlocks would not "make a kick a** name for a rock band".
60. Black Tom Cassidy is not "after me frosted Lucky Charms".
61. While Psylocke may be a ninja, she does not "flip out and kill people," and I should not insinuate that she does.
62. My teammates do not want to know why I just happen to have a box of Fruit Rollups©, an inflatable hammer, a copy of Crime and Punishment, and a bottle of red acrylic paint in my uniform locker.
63. Will not use my powers to create extra constellations on the local planetarium ceiling.
64. Not allowed to do anything to "practice for Fear Factor" within the mansion walls.
65. Not allowed to sign up as a Fear Factor "event".
66. Will not beg Magik to make me co-ruler of Limbo.
67. I am not an "honorary Shi'ar".
68. Deodorant is not an effective Sabretooth repellent.
69. A member who leaves the team then comes back is a returning X-Man, not an Ex-Ex-X-Man, and I should not teach the younger students to call them the latter.
70. Not allowed to run Chinese Fire Drills around the Black Bird before missions anymore.
71. Just because someone's mutation gives them claws, it does not mean that a scratching post makes a good Christmas gift.
72. Not allowed to secretly sell diamond-skinned Emma on the black market.
73. Or E-Bay.
74. It is wrong to tell new students that they can block out the telepathic mind rays by wearing pointy tinfoil hats.
75. Not allowed to quote Braveheart on missions.
76. My name is not a killing word.
77. I will not pretend that I can't hear Jean's telepathic messages and subsequently tell her to "think up".
78. It is not funny to plaster Piotr with refrigerator magnets.
79. Not allowed to whistle the Beverly Hillbillies theme around the Guthries anymore.
80. Not allowed to ask Marrow to "throw me a freaking bone".
81. While the Hulk is a green giant, he is in no way "jolly".
82. Gozer does not dwell in the mansion refrigerator.
83. Will not bribe Peter Parker into taking incriminating photos of my teammates.
84. The Fourth of July Fireworks Committee did not "steal the idea from me".
85. I should not confess to crimes that happened before I was born, even if I was with a time traveler.
86. When the power goes out during a thunderstorm, it is not to be blamed on "Ororo's PMS".
87. I am also not qualified to "jumpstart" the circuit breaker afterwards.
88. Will not refer to the Fantastic Four as "Stretcho, Out 'o Sight, Mr. Psoriasis, and the Hottie".
89. Dr. McCoy was not involved in any long-term family feuds with anyone named Hatfield.
90. The following things do not exist: Keys to the X-ecutive Washroom, wheelchair spinners, holo-fluid, Gamb-It™ batteries, and Danger Gnomes.
91. Not allowed to end statements made by pre-cogs with "in accordance with the prophecy".
92. Mystique's real name is not "Crappy Smurf".
93. Not allowed to smuggle in vodka by way of green food coloring and Cool Mint Listerine® bottles ever again.
94. Not allowed to put a blow-up doll in a dress and leave it at the school dance, then chastise Bobby for standing up his date.
95. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by a senior X-Man.
96. I may not use X-Vehicles to "squish" things.
97. Not allowed to toss a white sheet over Professor Xavier and call him Rufus Shinra.
98. I am not a "Teenage Mutant Ninja" anything.
99. Not allowed to start my own Fight Club in the Danger Room.
100. I'm probably going to my own layer of Hell for all of the above.