"Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself."
"Hey! Don't tilt that floppy disk! The data will fall off!"
"Do you hear them, Clarice? Do you hear the mewing of the embedded head-kittens?"
Contrary to popular opinion, Australians are not "...a dwarf b*****d convict race"
"What?! Boo is outraged that someone would prey on children. See his fury! It's small, so look closely. Trust me, it's there."
"Despite your attitudes towards death, death has but one attitude towards you, 'Your a** is mine!'"
"In my system are two extra-strength Midol; this is as close to high as I ever get. Forgetfulness is the least of my concerns; blacking out and falling out of my chair is."
"I'll lull the enemy to their doom by disarming them with my cuteness. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion."
"I was thinking but then I forgot what I was thinking about... don't you hate it when that happens?"
"But there's a big pink elephant in the room and it's shitting on the carpet."
"One's demons are best controlled by waving to them."
"Never be depressed because of your inabilities to commit murder."
"Piss me off again and I'll piss in your coffee."
"Game over, you lose. Come again, and don't forget to tip your waiter."
"Yes, it is possible to be ******** to death."
"Impossible is just a word people invented to make them feel good about themselves when they quit!"
"The little elf under my bed says that I should kill you, set you on fire, and dance around you naked."
"Hey I just noticed that on Times New Roman, the letter 'l' and the number '1' look alike"
"Squirrels scratching on a chalkboard. I told them they should not have eaten fluffy, even if he was a leprechaun, and would you please quit disassembling the cat, he’s a bit allergic to death. Mmm fabric softener…. it’s the only way to fly."
"I see dumb people. They're everywhere. They just walk around like ordinary people. They don't even know that they're dumb."
"How can anyone have fun with a bunch of dead monkeys? I think we should wear their hollowed our carcasses as suits and romp around. Ooh, its just like wearing a pair of snuggly jammies filled with jello!"
"Today will be like any other day in your short, pointless life... Filled with crushing disappointment and abject personal failure."
"If you wanted affection, buy a puppy. I bite."
"I withstood the big nuke and all that scares me now is a pair of scissors..."
"The world has gone insane and taken you with it"
"I mean, if I went around saying I was a Gryffindor just because some tight-lipped teacher lobbed a pointy hat at me, they'd put me away."
"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
'I think so, Brain, but burlap chafes me so.'
"I want to see what you're really made of. I'm betting greenish-purple wobbly bits."
"And now for something completely different: a man with a stoat through his head."
"You don't understand! It's the SHOE!"
"Exceedingly pissed off and still in the dark about why you won't let me blow holes in the walls."
"I never want to know. But funnily enough, I always manage to find out."
"Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it."
~ Mark Twain
"A classic is a book that everyone wants to have read but no one wants to read."
~ Mark Twain
"Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."
~ Groucho Marx
"If by hot you mean intentionally lit on fire by superstitious townspeople who thought they were slaying a monster, then yes."
"Humanity is inately stupid...just like some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them."
"Come! Grasp the chain, and prove you're sane!"
"I want answers! I want them now or I want them eventually!"