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Eucless Report | 05/21/2010 11:22 pm

Hello my love
I went and took my college placement tests today. I don't really know how I did on them specifically, but I did good enough to be able to take the courses that I need to in the Fall. I have to go back after June 2 to sign up for the classes and stuff. I thought that it would be awesome, because 2 of the classes I need to take, Heather does too, but we found out tonight that they are going to be moving to... Hatfield or something. It's about a half an hour away. I don't know why this upsets me so much. I mean, I knew it was going to happen eventually, and they are independent or whatever... but, I can't even look at them right now without feeling like I'm going to cry. Maybe it's because I feel like everyone I love is leaving me... I have absolutely no friends or social life, and the little bit that I did have, is leaving... I already feel so utterly alone all of the time, and barely see them as it is because of their work and needing to be "alone" or sleeping, or going to hang out with other people, and now I know that I'm almost never going to see them. The only contact I might have with them is via internet with Heather, and even then I'll have to watch what I say so that dumb c**t Casey doesn't comment on something that I say just to try to piss me off. I wish she would just get a life and leave mine alone.
I guess some happy news is that I might be getting a puppy dog. Shelby and Kirstie found her in their backyard in Punxsutawney. They can't find her owners and they can't keep her. My mom says that she is perfectly wonderful. She's not a big dog either. I'm not sure exactly what size she is, but she seems like the perfect kind of dog for our living situation. If and when we go and get her, Shelby might come down too and stay some of the summer here. On June 1 or 2 we are supposedly going to go to Dorney Park for Heather's birthday. Heather said that Seth and Roy might come too, which I think will be nice...
I miss you so very much

Eucless Report | 04/26/2010 9:56 pm

Last weekend, Roy came over for a visit. It was actually a really nice time, really nice to be able to hang out with someone other than Chris and Heather that actually wanted to be around me. More than half the time when I am with Chris and Heather, I feel like they don't want me around or they are poking fun at me because I'm not working and don't really do anything constructive all day, but I am trying. I got a job at a pet store in Quakertown, and went in for my first day of training and it was going fine, until I threw up... twice... and had to go home. The manager told me to call when I was feeling better, but that they weren't going to hold the position for me. I guess it's really for the better because that would have been a big inconvenience for everyone here having to drive me and stuff because I have yet to get my license. I'm going to go across the street (eventually) and see if I can get a job at the store stocking shelves overnight or something like that. I don't really need the money because I don't have any self-made bills like Chris and Heather do. Any cash I make would be purely for things that I want/need and saved. Anyway, when Roy came down, he told me that those two were talking about moving in there February. It just made me feel so completely shitty. They hadn't even talked to me about it, and I know they are adults and can do whatever they damn well please, but to just planning to up and leave like that? It just makes me feel like they really don't care about me, or Auntie and Mart, at all. But I guess I know now why they didn't want me to come with them when they went to visit there... or maybe you're family didn't want me there... I don't really know... either way it doesn't matter... I wasn't welcome to go.
On the brighter side of things (I guess) I'm going to be starting college in the Fall. I have to go and take my placement testing and sign up for my classes and stuff like that. I'm glad that I have someone like my Auntie that cares enough to be annoying and push me to do these things, otherwise I probably wouldn't be doing it. Heather has yet to fill out her FAFSA, which was due March 31, so I guess we won't be going at the same time like I thought we could do to save gas and try to get in the same class for one of the classes I have to take. I have a feeling that because she feels like she needs to work, all of she school things are getting pushed onto the back-burner. I guess it's not really my problem, but I worry about her cuz I love her and she's my bestie or whatever... *sigh*
...I love you so much, and I miss you more each and every day...

Eucless Report | 02/06/2010 12:52 am

I don't know how much longer I can put on this charade. I wish they knew how much I hurt all of the time and how sad I am, but I can't tell them... that's just not how I am. I've been crying more and more... I can't get these thoughts... these pictures... out of my head... I just want them to go away... or at least just be not as present as they are. I used to be so happy... you used to tell me how amazing you thought it was that I could be happy all of the time about anything so simple or small... and I could! I miss being able to feel that... I still try to... but, it's fake. I can't stand their arguing anymore... I try to be a good friend a listen to Heather and try to make her feel better and tell her that I don't care that she complains to me about Chris... but all I really want to do is shake her and tell her to stop worrying about something so trivial and small and just be happy that she has him, and that they love each other... I know she doesn't think about it when she's talking to me... because she's more concerned with her own problems... but I wish that someone would care enough to actually ask me how I am feeling about all of this... I might actually tell them then... but as it is... I don't feel comfortable opening up to them... I wish that someone would tell me that it's going to get better, that these feelings won't last forever and that time will heal this, and more than that... I wish that I could believe that... because so far... time is just making everything a whole hell of a lot worse...
...I love and miss you ever so very much...

Eucless Report | 12/25/2009 11:55 pm

Today was Christmas... and I'm so very sad to be "celebrating" it without you. I'm so very sad in general these days. Teeko died a few days before Christmas... we took him to the vet because he wasn't eating, and was starting to have trouble moving around. The lady said that she was quite sure that it was some form of kidney failure and that nothing could really be done... so I had to put my sweet little lizard down... So yesterday (Christmas Eve) we went out, and Mart let me get a ratty rat. She looks a lot like Fredrick... that's why I picked her. She has the same kind of tan and white on her. You would like her. I haven't named her yet, but I was thinking of maybe... Eve? I think it's pretty and it means "life"... which is kinda ironic in a way I guess... I wanted to get another one, but the lady helping us at the store was giving us a hard time, so we just got one. Mart said that tomorrow I can get another if I still feel the desire to do so... which I think I will. I know that it might be a bad idea... but, if I have any trouble... I can always just send one to Shelby. She's always wanted a ratty rat ever since she met Fred.
*sigh* I told Chris today about how I feel when him and Heather seem like they don't really want to be hanging out with me unless the other one is busy... and he said that it was because I'm mean to them when they both hang out with me together... which... I don't think that I am... but I didn't want to push the issue because I was almost crying as it was just talking about it because I'm retarded like that. I'm just going to try to be more conscious about what I say and do I guess and hope that the only two people that I call "friend" will decide that they like me again... I sent Chris a message on Facebook trying to like... explain or whatever cuz I can't do it face to face or i'll like... cry...
I've been crying so much these past few weeks. I wish that I had someone to talk to that could make forget everything even if it was only for a minute. It's so tiring putting on this fake smile every morning and hope that nobody looks to closely. I don't want them to all think that I am depressed or I'm just being like "poor-me" or whatever... but most days, I wish that I could just lay in bed and be left alone... I wish I could just sleep all day and forget... but even my sleep is troubled. I don't think I've gotten even a moderate nights sleep in weeks. I miss you so very much and need you here with me... I get so scared sometimes with the thoughts that creep into my head without me noticing... I need you to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay, because right now, I honestly don't think that it will be.

Eucless Report | 11/26/2009 10:58 pm

[align=center][size=9][color=#71C671]Today was Thanksgiving. It was a nice enough time. We went over my uncle's brothers house for dinner. I didn't want to go all that much. It is very awkward and uncomfortable being there. I don't really know any of them. Heather went up to Punxsutawney, of course, and we were going to try to have a little "at home" thanksgiving this weekend, but I guess she is far too busy to bother with us, even though she lives in this house for absolutely no money and nothing is expected of her here, whereas her parents make her feel like total s**t and expect the world of her, and take advantage of her every second that they can. I just sucks being on this end of everything. On the brighter side though, we might be moving to Quakertown. We have been looking at houses for the past few weeks and on Saturday we are taking everyone that is available (again, probably everyone except Heather) to see the house that Mart and I looked at. It's extremely large. It's 3 floors and an unfinished, but finish-able, basement. The kitchen is absolutely beautiful, and there are 3 bathrooms, er... 2 1/2 I guess. The half-bath is on the 3rd floor, which is where my room will be. I hope that they get it. My aunt and uncle could really use a win this time of year. I hate seeing them so stressed out over this and tons of other things. The only downsides to the house are that there is no yard to speak of at all, which isn't a problem for me. The parking situation sucks, but can be managed, and there is cosmetic work inside the house that needs to be dealt with along with a possible leaky roof and some of the front steps are in need of repair. I really like it though, and I'm pretty sure he is going to put a bid in on Saturday/Sunday.


Chris and Heather are really pissing me off with their damn dog. I though it would be really nice having a dog, but he's an a**. He keeps shitting in the house, and God knows what he pisses on... and Chris and Heather are never ******** home to take care of him. Last weekend they went to Tennessee for the weekend and left me home with him, without asking me if I would be okay with watching him, and when they came back, I didn't even get a thank you for watching the little b*****d. And, he only really likes Chris. He growls at me if I'm even near him when he doesn't want me to be. Just tonight, he was laying on the floor and I pulled a bit of loose fur out of his thigh (because he's shedding in the middle of ******** winter for some reason) and he growled at me, and Chris didn't say a damn thing about it. I wish that I had somewhere to go to get the hell away from here for a little while, but there isn't, not anymore. 


I'm so very worried about Teeko. I think I am going to have to find a vet for him. He will not eat, and has been vomiting. I looked up online what to do and what might be the cause, and the most likely thing is impaction, which means something is stuck somewhere and he can't digest it. The online vet (for I went to a trusted website) recommended to feed him chicken or turkey baby food, for it is easier to digest, and to give him a few drops of olive oil every day. I've been doing this, and there still isn't any improvement. He does poo sometimes though, after I give him the baby food, so some of it has to be getting digested I would think... but then he goes and regurgitates some of it as well. I just hope that my little lizard buddy gets better. If he dies, then the only thing I'll have left is Boo. She has become extremely cuddly recently and will curl up next to me at night and sometimes let me snuggle her. I don't know if something is wrong with her, or if she can tell how excessively sad I am, or what has changed with her, but I'm glad to have her at night with me. 


I miss you more and more each day my love and I will never stop loving you, no matter how long it takes for my heart to stop beating.


 [img]http://public.tektek.org/img/emotes/heartbroken.gif[/img] [/color][/size]

Eucless Report | 11/02/2009 11:37 pm

I don't know what is happening anymore. Ever since you left everything has been going in a downward spiral very quickly. I don't feel like there is a reason for me to be around anymore.
I went to visit up in Punxsy for almost a week for Halloween with the kids and all that. It was a very lovely trip surprisingly, and I had a good time and was happy. They brought me home on Saturday for Halloween and trick-or-treating here. Somewhere between Saturday morning and Sunday, my parents decided that I have anger issues, which they have said, and you and I have discussed before, but, it's a million times worse now. My mom sent me a message on myspace telling me all of these hurtful and horrible things. She called me and I tried to ask her what she was talking about, but she basically told me that I was delusional and that none of what I thought happened ever really happened that way I remember it happening. She hung up on me, and then her myspace status proceeded to say "[******** off and just live in you little world which you bealive you are all right ******** ******** ******** ******** now thats your lanauge understtand" I just don't understand what I did to provoke such an attack. I have never ever ever EVER went to Heather to cry before, but tonight I did. I am just so massively overwhelmed with everything that is happening around me. I really didn't need this on top of everything else.
Casey is now an unwelcome guest back in my life again. She has been sending Heather very bitchy comments about me, knowing full well that I am able to see them. I assume that she is trying to start another fight so she can pretend that she didn't and make her mom think that I am more of a b***h than what she already thinks of me. I could really care less either way. The thing that hurts is that Heather, my bestest friend in the whole world, won't stick up for me. She won't tell Casey to knock it the hell off, and she won't ask her mother to tell Casey to stop the bullshit. I know if you were here, you would tell her what's what and stick up for me even though it would mean both of us getting pissed off. I am trying hard to just ignore it all... but it's getting harder. Every morning it gets harder and harder to wake up and get out of my bed. I need you so much right now. I need your comforting hug and your whisper telling me that everything will be fine, that everything will get better, easier, less painful... even if it's not true. I wish I could be with you, wherever you are...

Eucless Report | 10/17/2009 10:41 pm

Guess what baby? Chris and Heather adopted a Husky. He's quite pretty. A very wolf-like face, more so than Cody, and he has one very light blue eye, and one dark brown eye. His name is Sonic. I know you don't think that we need any more animals, but they have made it very clear that it is "their dog" which is going to get very annoying after a while. It has only been one day and I can already tell that if I ever want to take him for a walk I'm going to have to ask and they will be all jewish about it. I'm hoping that tomorrow is slightly nicer than it has been out so I can walk him while they're out. I'll probably end up walking him even if it's raining and stuff, they can just suck it up if they don't like it.
I've been driving with Mart a lot recently. Almost every day in fact. Today I got to drive everywhere we went to go shopping and taking care of other miscellaneous things. I'm hoping to get my license in the next month or two.
I might be getting involved in this company do-jigger to make some money. Heather met this lady named Janet Bazzano, and through her we met this man named Erv Venno. They are part of this growing company that does online referrals for over 11,000 different stores. When you refer somebody to the store, you get paid like, 3% of what they spend at the store because you referred them. It sounds a bit sketchy, but it's worth it if it works...
I'm ever so cold... wish you were here to warm me inside and out...

Eucless Report | 10/09/2009 12:06 pm

I'm so lonely baby. I am almost certain that Heather is mad at me for something I sent her mother weeks and weeks ago when she was being a b***h to me about Casey, and I guess last night she decided to send it to Heather (Chris told me this) and I'm sure it was only the negative parts of the conversation. Heather barely said 2 words to me last night when she came home from work... I mean, I know that if she was to choose between me and her family, she would choose her family every time without question, but I wish that she would at least try to stick up for me with her parents sometimes. I didn't do anything wrong in this situation, and it sucks that Heather would believe her mom over me...
I don't feel like getting out of bed anymore. I wish they would just let me sleep... I am so very tired...

Eucless Report | 09/23/2009 9:16 am

We went to where you used to have the Horror Ride yesterday. It was really pretty back there. They all told each other of stories they remembered... I just listened.
We went to Wildwood yesterday. Sean was telling us about how you won your medal. We took off our shoes and waded in the water. I got wet up to my waist due to my shortness.
We went back to Sean's house after all that and just talked or chilled. I borrowed your pillow and our frumpy blanket, along with a few other things.
I miss and love you very very very much.

Eucless Report | 09/19/2009 10:47 pm

I miss you so much...
I don't understand...
...you promised...