The name is Demetrius Marquette, and I shall be your contract devil for the evening.
I guess you might wanna know a little 'bout me. I don't blame you. I'd shop around too if I was looking to sell my soul for who knows what. You're smart. I like you.
But about me. I come from a long lineage of priests. Back then, you tended to do what your father did. Continuing the family legacy, makin' mama proud, so on and so forth. Boring stuff. I fell into line like the rest of them, and it wasn't too bad. I knew the Bible like the back of my hand, and I still do! I can't quote it anymore, but I bet you my mother's soul I could still give a damn nice sermon if allowed.
But that's beside the point. Where was I?
Oh yeah. I was actually ordained by Benedict XII himself (he's the one that looked like a garden gnome). Basically he certified me to ******** people over, but no one knew that. Nah, to the general public I was the answer to their prayers. You see, I sold peace of mind. I promised them a sweet afterlife, no matter what they did. They had the chance to carry on with their most sinly desires, and as long as I was around to 'pardon' them, then they were free to go. They sat comfy in the big guy's nice list, and I reclined in my comfy lifestyle. It was great.
That went on for years. That's a couple decades of selling tickets to St.Peter's party for everyone! Murderers, thieves, lushes, harlots, and those worried little widows who wanted to make sure their husband got through to heaven just fine. It would have gone on way longer but that pesky bubonic plague hit, and I kicked the bucket. I didn't even last three days, and somehow I died in a barn. Anti-climatic, right?
Fortunately that wasn't the end of my story. I'mma bit fuzzy on the details after (it really was some freaky s**t) but somehow I ended up alive and gettin' a good third-degree burn from the Bible over my heart. I think my L-word and Savior broke up with me. Sigh.
Took awhile for me to get the hang of things, but before you knew it, I was up and doing the same stuff I always did. Helping people out for a small fee. Demi Marquette, serving humanity's dark desires since 13something. Put that on a T-shirt.
Needless to say, if there was a lesson to be learned, I didn't learn s**t.
Radix malorum est cupiditas suckas.