About
My name is Deilusia-Lauren, but I collect names the way some do figurines. I am a woman, more or less. I smell of sweat, sour wines, late nights, and leather. I can smile in brief flashes, like sunlight glinting from a knife-edge, and I can let words drip like honey from my lips, or fly like acid. I'll try anything, but I reserve the right to fear it irrationally after that forever. I'm a disaster, and I like it.
Now for a little expansion on the thoughts that vomited forth up there. Over time I was Rhen, Twist, Xorcia, Marvin and Xzyon... though the list goes on, any that are worth remembering have been listed. I've been a hero, a mentor and a best friend. I'm selfish, self-serving and self-righteous. I make a dangerous enemy, and a dedicated friend. I'm also empathetic, patient, and caring. I enjoy making people rethink their initial reaction to me. I run on auto-pilot. I obsess, and often, I've come to believe the stress I create fuels me, both physically and creatively. I'm cracked, the fissures that make me up also hold me together, so I'm fragile.
I think that there are many different kinds of love, many of which are very serious and I think not very fun. I think there are many 'great loves' of our lives, and we should savor the good and bad in all of them. I Like N'sync and Hanson. I HATE Michelle McVay and Kirsten Dunst. I Love Lady Death, Jason Mewes, Sublime and Dali. I've met my hero, I was at his funeral. I've seen some great bands, good plays amazing art work and boring movies, and I stay for the credits. I come early for the previews. I pass on the right and eat nothing that has come out of a microwave. I eat pizza rolls with chopsticks.
I'm defensive and I like to hide. I compair myself with the ostritch, others liken me to a condore and a peacock. I love my cat, given enough catnip Dro can almost play Spiro the Dragon. I had a sugar glider, his name was Howard, we were both depressed, but Howard did not recover from his. I can settle into despairs arms like a comfortable blanket, I like making things in the oven just so I can stand over it in a big shirt. I love sleeping, flannel and electric blankets, intensely. I play favorites, I play games, and I hate that I do both. I cry.
I want to be remembered but I can't wait to be forgotten. I paint, I draw comic books, I write sotries. None sell, I don't try. I love learning and school is always in my future, I will never repay my student loans by staying in school untill I die. I will die, and I'm not ok with that. I had a mid life chrisis at 16, I never recovered. I claim to have stoped dreaming, I claim to be a realist. I lie. I've opened myself to the wrong people. I've been broken, I've also been repaired. I think, at one point I was great, now the glitter has worn off and I've returned to reality. I spend the majority of my day playing pretend. My favorite colour is green.
I can not abide physical labor. I hate to sweat and I'm miserable when I'm hot. I'm afraid of everything. I do illegal things. I love boys, I love them when they play music or play sports, I love them when they're obstinant and I love them when they're cruel I love them when they're broken and I LOVE them when they're young. I love girls, I love them when they're delicate and I love them when they're strong, I envy that they create and I love that they feel. I hate boys, I think they know how addicted to them I am and abuse this knowlege greatly. I hate girls, they're catty and snide, some of them are even prettier than me.
I wish I were short, I wish I were tiny. I wish people could look byond the preconcieved notions they're fed all their lives. I wish feminists would stop beating the dead body of chivalry and leave feminism to people who like being affeminate. I wish all cars were as cool as they were in the 50's. I wish I could take my room with me when I moved. I wish I could wear long dresses and go barefoot all the time. I wish I could have a daughter like my mom has. I wish I could stop time.
All of this is true, but, maybe not in this order. This is me, I liked meeting all of you.
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