Well s**t on my d**k.
please note that:
i am not the type of person who would write these autobiographies
under the influence of drugs, alcohol, or any other substances that can
make you impaired. everything on this page is 100% true and accurate,
and these every single one of these moments are actual events that have
taken place before. i would truly appreciate it if you would stop
accusing me of lying, or abusing lysergic acid diethylamide. also, if
you have any questions or comments, feel free to message me (only after
you've read everything though.) thank you.
i'm not like most individuals; i wasn't born a projectile shot out
of a v****a. i was actually a secret war experiment created in japan; i
was known as project desu. japanese scientists had done many tests to
create the ultimate war machine. the perfect genes were carefully
selected from organisms all around the world. some of the genes i had
been given include the photography gene, the non-sleeping gene, the
chloroform gene (i can rape people if i wanted), the hovercraft
building gene, and i also have a camouflage gene that allows me to
change my hair color to whatever color i want. i like walking to the
store at three am with my crew members (bffs) to get slurpees. i also
defeated hitler in battle.
One time, I was in Antarctica saving the world, as usual, when suddenly Scooby-Doo showed up; his intentions being to steal my glory. I approached him and asked in a sarcastic tone of voice, "Scooby-dooby-doo, just what do you think you're doing?" He stood on two legs and pointed to his chest with what appeared to be his thumb. "RAVINGG THE ROOORLD!!" I looked at him thoughtfully, rubbing my chin with my hand. "Raving the rorld, you say?" I paused for a moment, "I don't know about this rorld thing you speak of, but I could sure go for a rave!" Just then, DJ SiSeN flew from the sky, he got some music playing, then before I knew, I was raving with DJ SiSeN! He gave me super-special cyber-kandi powers and we joined forces against the evil GaGa-monster! First, we ripped out her fiercely fake Medusa gone straight hair, then since her clothes looked dangerous and pointy, we stabbed her with them. Suddenly, I was cornered! I thought I was done for when out of nowhere there was this bright, colorful light and the GaGa-monster deteriorated! I was saved, thanks to Dj SiSeN and his cyber powers! "Thanks DJ SiSeN! How will I ever repay you?!" I exclaimed. He looked at me with a smirk and came closer. I watched him, my eyes wide, curious as to what on earth he was doing. He ran is hand up his chest, then meowed. That's right. That ******** meowed. Then out of thin air, a magical necklace appeared in his hands as he ran them up my chest. When he reached my neck, he fastened the necklace on me and moved back. "That is the sacred stone of the PLUR. I will not tell you what it is for or what it does, but in time, you will find out. By the way, you can fly now." And with that, he took off into the sky. I turned to Scooby-Doo and kicked him in the face, yelling "STUPID n****r!" and flew away to Scotland. I wasn't quite sure what was there at the time, but I was soon to find out. I arrived in Scotland at the brink of dusk and after a day like that, you bet I was tired! I was search for a place to sleep when I came across the most spectacular bench I had ever set my eyes on! It was blue plaid and had cushions on it. I pulled my teddy out of my handy dandy fanny pack and curled onto the bench. All was quiet and there was a slight breeze. Seemingly to be a calm and peaceful night; however just as I was falling into a gently slumber, the obnoxious sound of bagpipes playing ...Oops I Did It Again filled the air. I covered one ear with my teddy, the other I buried into the bench cushion as I tried to block it out. They got closer and closer. What was I to do?! I did the natural thing and approached them with a .22 and told them if they didn't shut the ******** up I'd blow a bullet in their assholes, of course. One approached me cautiously. She seemed shy. Well, at first. When she stood directly in front of me, she raised her hands, paused for a moment, then tickled the s**t out of me. I fell to the floor, laughing hysterically.