Women will never
be as successful as men
because they have
no wives to advise them.
-d**k Van Dike

Of all the things I've lost,
I miss my mind the most.
-Mark Twain

I like pigs.
Dogs look up to us.
Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.
-Winston Churchill

If the facts
don't fit the theory,
change the facts.
-Albert Einstein

I'm not afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there
when it happens.
-Woody Allen

The man that runs away lives to die another day.
-A. E. Housman

My father hated radio
and could not wait
for television to be invented
so he could hate that too.
-Peter De Vries

Employee of the month
is a good example of
how somebody can be both
a winner and a loser
at the same time.
-Demetri Martin

I can resist everything
except temptation.
-Oscar Wilde

When humor goes,
there goes civilization.
-Erma Bornbeck

Sex is nature,
and I believe in going
along with nature.
-Marilyn Monroe

The difference between
genius and stupidity
is that genius
has its limits.
-Albert Einstein

Computers will never
take the place of
books. You can't stand on
a floppy disk to
reach a high shelf.

I am free of all prejudices.
I hate everyone equally.
-W.C. Fields

I think the worst
time to have a heart
attack is during a
game of charades...
or a game of fake
heart attack.

Early to bed and early
to rise, makes a man healthy,
wealthy, and wise.
-Benjamine Franklin

Have you noticed that
all the people in favour
of birth control are already born?
- Benny Hill

The less people
know about how sausages
and laws are made,
the better they'll
sleep at night.
-- Otto von Bismarck

"After the first glass,
you see things as you
wish they were.
After the second, you
see things as they are not.
Finally, you see things
as they really are, and
that is the most
horrible thing in the world."
-Oscar Wilde

"Give me chastity a
nd continence,
but not yet."
- Saint Augustine

Bushism!!!
“The important question is,
How many hands
have I shaked?”
-George W. Bush

Science without religion
is lame, religion
without science is blind.
- Albert Einstein

In life, it's not
who you know that's
important, it's how
your wife found out.
-Joey Adams

We live in an
age when pizza
gets to your home
before the police.
-Jeff Marder

Most fools think
they are only ignorant.
- Benjamin Franklin

Ducking for apples
- change one letter
and it's the story
of my life.
-Dorothy Parker

Sex is the most
beautiful thing that
can take place between
a happily married man
and his secretary.
- Barry Humphries

I have six locks on my door
all in a row. When I go out,
I only lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long
somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are
always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler

Great minds discuss
ideas. Average minds
discuss events. Small
minds discuss people.
- Unknown

An archaeologist is
the best husband a
woman can have. The older
she gets, the more
interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie