About

Well I left this blank for a long time, and I've decided that was because I really didn't care for the young woman I was developing into.
But guess what? Recently, I have meaning again. Goals!
It's funny how once you set yourself a goal, life becomes bearable again. Humans are certainly funny like that, getting into a slump just because at that moment in time they aren't sure.
Well what is my goal?
To change the world of course.
But seriously I mean it. Everyday I rant on to all that will hear it, the complete incompetence of current judges to allow certain laws to pass. In my eyes, they have forgotten what the law was designed for, to protect the people. Not to be a financial gain.
And for a long time I laughed and shrugged it off when people asked why I wasn't majoring in pre-law. I would jokingly say, 'I'm the type of lawyer who'd be shot.' And I still think that's true, I allow myself to be governed by what is right by the people, not by their wallet. Meaning that when you sue someone you are suppose to be made whole again, not better off. And sadly enough, most people don't see it that way anymore, not even the men and women meant to protect that ideal.
And now that I have this goal in mind, everything seems to be picking itself back up. I might not make as much money as I had always hoped, but I am really beginning to hope that I die happy, not rich.
~~~
Now, that was a phase of me speaking. I'm not going to delete it, because I rather hope that I can become that person once more in my lifetime.
But right now? No, not ready yet.
Actually that gives me hope. A lot of hope. That I know within me lies this person of great potential, I'm just not quite ready yet.
Why am I not ready?
God, if there is such a being, is a horrible soap opera screenwriter. Now, do I believe in God? ... only when it's convenient. Is it right now? Hell yes. But as I say this I don't believe in it in the orthodox sense. I guess people think God is a respected figure, one who gives us life, takes it away. But I generally view God as a creature who really has no control over people themselves, and due to this, creates situations or events to attempt to control the world, and us in it. A jealous man, Yaldabaoth from the Gnostic gospels. And why do I think this? Because I want to blame someone for the events that have occurred recently, and it's much easier to blame an evil creature such as Yaldabaoth. And if I were to say, "these things happen", I'd be much worse off. Because that would mean that there is nothing I can do, the natural order of my life is constant chaos... and I just don't want to believe that.
((And to anyone who might be offended as I write this... keep reading. Normally people say to stop, but I say keep going. Let us exchange our ideas and become stronger people! Let my ideas challenge you, force you to create a stronger, better thesis, and be a better believer in your own faith. So keep reading... never turn away... just hold on.))
Going back to the original thought, why am I not ready to be this person... because every time I get there. Every time I begin to release this energy, to break the habits of this sickness... something I can't control happens. BAM! The first step up I took, cracked and down I fell back to where I was. And then I flounder for a bit, each time I fall I think I get sicker, the fear and paranoia taking more and more control of my thoughts that I try so hard to control.
So so hard... in fact.... I do think I'm an intelligent person. People always tell me that, in real life, in gaia, as if I didn't know. Some people know when they are pretty, some people know when they are charming, and I know I'm intelligent. And it's one of the only qualities about myself I am so sure of. A quality that is the only thing keeping me together, forcing myself to stop and analyze what is going on in my head.
What a horrible thing! To suddenly realize that the thoughts and impulses you have are products of some sort of mental sickness, and yet one day I did realize that. But even though I know these feelings are wrong, it still continues, getting worse with each event.
And so, I attribute the only reason I am sane, to the fact that I am able to discern what is insane throughout my mind. And I hate it. I can literally sense this split in my mind, the collective old me, and this new highly illogical me.
And sometimes the old me loses, but in those instances I do things that make me wake up in the morning, remember them and groan. And if you encounter me when I'm during that time, I'm sorry. I just can't control myself.

Code and Layout by Azuria St Cloud (Me!)
Art... not by Me. But we can dream right?

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Kuramaru Katou

Report | 11/02/2009 2:59 am

Kuramaru Katou

o.o
Kuramaru Katou

Report | 02/12/2008 3:12 pm

Kuramaru Katou

User Image I am the Ninja of Love.... User Image




o.o

Oh yeah?

Tch tch tch tch tch tch.... TCH.

>.3



User Image ...And you are my next target. User Image
Sarabi_suki

Report | 11/12/2007 11:09 pm

Sarabi_suki

I haven't spoken to you much in a very very long time, so I thought I'd drop in and give you a comment. Love your way <3
Tsibuda and Lucius

Report | 08/31/2007 5:22 pm

Tsibuda and Lucius

Ooh, Shiny!

Me comments :3
Kuramaru Katou

Report | 08/29/2007 8:33 am

Kuramaru Katou

BLARG? o.o?



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x3
Kuramaru Katou

Report | 08/15/2007 6:44 pm

Kuramaru Katou

WHARRGARBL.

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Strifin

Report | 08/13/2007 9:47 pm

Strifin

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