Gaia Online

All the way at the bottom is the stuff about me. Until then, enjoy the hilarious quotes!

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"Eve bit into the apple, then gave it to Adam, and he bit it. Then they were like, 'Oh crap, we're naked!' That's a direct quote right there, kids."
~Mrs. Holland is so funny...

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{{ Mrs. Golden: "You should rewerite the Bible."
Mrs. Holland: "I feel that would secure me a place in Hell, so I don't think so."}}
Ah, the joy of having two first block teachers...

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"Michael has to sexually harass at least one guy in this class every day."
~Kyle. It's very true...

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"Naomi, let's go over the fence! *climbs over fence and begins walking* Wait... COW! COW! COW! BACK OVER THE FENCE!" *climbs back over fence as Naomi gets a splinter*
~Me. The fence hadn't always been there... or the three cows inside that fence...

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"Aw, I'm sorry Sam. Would you like me to put a Band-aid on your ego?"
~Heehee, me. Because Sam's ego suffers so much because of my sarcasm.

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"No! My chances of becoming a sexy Asian guy are ruined!!"
~Eh, don't ask why I said this.

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"Hey, you never figured out where the Muffin Man lives! What the ********?"
~Frank, my boss. If I get fired, it's because I couldn't remember where the Muffin Man lives.

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"Chris, why do you keep sticking your fingers into small holes?"
~Hehe, he was sticking his fingers everywhere!

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"Eric, that doesn't work so well when your clothes are on."
~Me. It looked like Eric was trying to flash the kitchen but failing at it.

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"So, we're a couple of circus bears carrying shotguns, fighting against maybe twelve other circus bears carrying shotguns, in the middle of some confusing temple we hope is in Egypt."
~I don't know why I try to explain to my dad what I'm doing...

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"It's so dark... Wait, is that your corpse or mine?"
~Me! Playing video games with my brother again.

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"I figured out a way we can keep our secret lesbian love a secret. We kill him."
~Briana! At Ukrop's. This was after she just yelled that we were secret lesbian lovers at Ian, so now we have to kill him.

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"If we killed people at the rate they do, we'd be out of business."
~My dad, comparing his job in the Air Force with what he sees on NCIS.

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"No! Nostalgia! I shall chase you to your grave with my flyswatter! Repent, fiend!"
~I said it, but I don't remember why I said it. I didn't even have a flyswatter. It was like telling my food what utensil I was going to use to eat it.

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"Foul chewer of the nails, your days are numbered!"
~What was I talking about?

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"I will spoon you to death!"
~I don't remember if I said that to ice cream or Naomi...

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"I'm going to eat you with a fork."
~Er... I still can't decide if I was talking to Naomi or the cake...

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"Ohh.... *picks up severed piece of squid that supposedly contains beak and squishes it slightly* Hey, look, I made the beak open! AUGH!!! There's stuff coming out of it!!"
~That was not how I wanted to start off the day...and my hands still smell like that stupid squid!

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"I don't care that I had to hold a dead animal! I don't care that I had to cut it open and poke around its insides before literally ripping it apart! I do care that our materials only include a few paper towels, safety scissors, and three toothpicks!"
~I officially take issue with the science department.

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"Ewww.... *wobbles slightly and flicks hand around* I got squid on me.... Aw, it's all sticky..."
~I feel ready to never take another science class ever again.

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"Peel the skin off...? Cut the head into pieces? Drop it in the fryer?! You're not seriously going to make us eat these, are you? We've been touching these things with our bare hands!!"
~Me, feeling slightly queezy at the thought of peeling the skin AND the fins off a squid.

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"AUGH! No, don't cut into the eye! I will make you eat what's left of that squid if you do that! AUGH, IT'S OOZING!!!!!"
~Me; I never considered myself squeemish until we had to disect squids with safety scissors...

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"I stuck my finger in this weird thing that marked it as a male or a female. It felt like really really really watered down yogurt."
~Me. DON'T DISECT ANYTHING THAT USED TO BE ALIVE WITHOUT GLOVES!!

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"Oh my God, Corey, what are you doing with that?!"
~Me, seeing Corey dangle a mutilated squid over her mouth.

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"Jimmy, if you touch that eyeball, I swear I will slap you with this dead squid!"
~Me, after disecting a squid with safety scissors and NO GLOVES. Mrs. Anderson is a retard.

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"Well, we're females, so we actually can do that."
~Alex. As in my BROTHER Alex...

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"Every k**t begins with K~!"
~me, singing to the tune of "Every kiss begins with Kay!"

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"a**l sex is just a nicer way of saying the guy missed."
~me

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{{My dad: "There's just something in here that I can't really identify. Do you taste something you can't describe?"
Me: "Dad, it's a meatloaf; there's a lot of stuff in here I can't describe and I'm not sure I want to describe it."}}
~Meatloaf at my house happens only twice a year because my mom hates it. Each time though, it's a different recipe and my mother empties part of the fridge to make the meatloaf.

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"Oh my god, there was this permanent glowing blue p***s everywhere!!"
~Me. Don't see Watchmen; sucky movie that gets lost in exploding people, the sex, and then the glowy blue guy that leaves himself hanging out all the time...

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"Uh, right now I'm piggy backing with Artis..."
~Mr. Sep still. Artis is a guy, so you know.

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"No anaphase and no telophase until you're married!"
~Mr. Sep's way of telling girls not to have sex until after marriage.

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"What are we? We're both men so we're homo........logous! I'm resisting! I want to stay with Brad! What's happening to my chromatids?!"
~Mr. Sep as he's grabbing children to demonstrate cell division. I fell out of my chair because I was laughing.

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"When your egg is actually allowed to...go through the cycle...let's just say your monthly thing. Up until then, it's in hibernation."
~Mr. Sep still talking about genetics. He has no problem getting children to grab onto him and him grabbing onto children, but he can't talk about girls' periods.

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"Have you guys ever learned about cleavage? I don't mean just the guys, I meant everyone. You guys know about cleavage, right? You go to the beach on a hot day, you're probably going to see cleavage."
~I can't remember how this was supposed to relate to science...

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{{Mr. Sep: Now what do you have?
Corey: Forty eight!
Mr. Sep: No! Now you have a baby. And hopefully ann your babies have shoes.}}
~Poor Corey; she's so enthusiastic even though she answered every question wrong.

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"Yes, it is all about sex."
~Mr. Sep again!! He had to teach my class about the sex part of chromosomes and genetics.

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"You're going to have a normal number of shoes, not a baby!"
~Mr. Sepulvada, the awesomest science teacher in the world. He had to replace my teacher who was suddenly puking all over the place.

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{{Taylor: You're a grandaddy now, David. You old ********.
David: I ain't old; I just ******** early}}
~Two of the servers I work with. My god, David is hilarious. When he's not trying to hook me up with someone....

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"No, you going to jail for some random reason wouldn't be enough. Now, if you went to jail for raping me, then that'd be great. That would totally satisfy my needs."
~Me...um, just to make myself clear, I don't need Naomi to rape me.

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{{Random freshman: "Dude, can you imagine trying to jack off in the wind? It would get all over your face!"
Me: "Why you would be jacking off outside, I'll never know."}}
~There was more to that, but I was too busy helping Nick; he just got kicked in the balls!

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"Wow. They must have smurfed her all night long."
~Jeff

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"No, you can't do that on my face!"
~Also my mother. I don't want to know what she was talking about.

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"I'm Doctor Peek-At-You. Turn your head and cough!"
~My mother... I'm terrified of my family.

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"Oh, the male anatomy. I can't compete with that."
~Mrs. Ingeneri

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"What's wrong? Are you on drugs?"
~Mrs. Ashworth

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"Jill, were you that jingly when I saw you earlier?"
~Aleiza

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"What?! How do you cut someone with a Sharpie?"
~Me (thanks to Alex)

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{{Nick: "Why is it so cold?"
Me: "Because it's December."
Nick: "Your mom's December.
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*really loud laughter* What the hell? That didn't even make any sense!!"
....
Me: "I'm cold."
Nick: "Your mom's cold. 'Cause she's December! There we go, now it makes sense!"}}

Nick can be stupid sometimes...

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"No, chopping and stirring are not the same thing! If they're the same, how do you stir an apple successfully?!"
~Me! Talking to my dad about eggs.

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"Shut up, Pamela Anderson's Left Boob!"
~Derek. I don't know why you named that Freshman that...

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"Wait, wait, wait; your grandma used to smack you with a ruler? I'm sorry, dad, but you just don't seem like a smack-worthy person."
~Me! Yes, I did say this at a Tequila Rose to my dad.

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"If your boobs would stop saying things, then I'd just stare."
~Person in my lunch. They didn't say anything; he kept leaning forward to read my shirt.

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"Diet holy water! All the Christ, half the calories!"
~Kimi. I still have no idea what she was talking about.

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"Now I feel more like an idiot because I didn't know how to work the stupid paper towel dispenser."
~Me. I didn't understand it until my mom made me go back in there...And that happens to be my current place of work!

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"I've been looking around at the little girls these days, and I am not liking what I'm seeing."
~Me. I'm not a *****!! That just came out the most wrong way possible.

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"Hey, Alex. If we had another kid, would you want it to be a boy or a girl?"
~Me. For those of you who don't get why this is awkward, Alex is my brother.

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"Or it could have just been them making out and then BOINK Virjey has horns!"
~Um, me. I didn't really realize what that meant until Jadey pointed it out to me. o_O

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"This isn't pancakes! This is whole-wheat toast with jelly!"
~My mom. She has a phobia about bridges, and we just crossed a tiny one before crossing the hugest one ever!!

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"He's being so lazy, letting his p***s hang out like that."
~Micheal or however he spells his name. I totally can't believe he said that about his dog in front of his eight year old daughter! And shortly after meeting me for the first time.

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"NO! There is nothing wrong with Emily because Emily is perfect. Emily is GOD! That's why she doesn't believe in your God! She remains faithful to herself! And no, Emily doesn't need friends. She's God! God doesn’t need friends!! God only needs followers!!" ~me. If Emily actually were God, I'd be dead.

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"Mmm...Hot pizza guy...GAH!!!!! Sudden pee attack!" ~Naomi

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