One you go black you'll be using your crack.

Two weeks? That's four years in gay.

Jew! What do you call your p***s? Your imaginary friend?

I tried to TiVo T.J. Hooker once, it suggested I punch myself in the c**t.

Once you go Hispanic Mom and Dad start to panic.

You're not just dark, you're blurple.

I went to a birthday for a four year-old once, that was awkward. Probably because I wasn't invited.

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and thought afterward it was a good idea. I'm usually like "I'm gonna die!"

"Hey, it's Ted's birthday."
That guy's a jerk.
"There's cake in the conference room."
I guess I'll go say hello.

That's a breakfast joke. It's the most important joke of the day.

I wanted to date a Chinese girl but that is a big red flag.

You ever wonder why there's storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I'm looking for a tornado to take me anyplace.

I would like to think I possess the characteristics to be a member of the secret service but I'm really scared that on the application question one is "Are you a p***y?"

Server another bucket [of fried mayonnaise balls], quickly, I felt my blood moving!

I like to make it hail. That's when you throw change at sluts.
"Ow, stop! Were those nickels?"
"Yeah, I'm a baller on a budget, b***h."

You can't show footage of a Landrover running over a cat and say that the cat was trying to kill itself.

When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween and Santa wasn't poking his a** into it.

I've seen the end of the universe and it's in the United states and oddly enough in Houston, Texas. I know, I was surprised too.

People wonder if there are too many Starbucks; now we know. When there's a Starbucks across from a Starbucks, that's it, game over.

I have N*Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears: I have a trifecta from Hell.

Most people think that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days and that's a liar, liar, pants on fire situation; most families don't make it past the fourth day.
"Aren't we gonna light the candles?"
"Uhh. No, enough is enough."

d**k Cheney.

You're never too poor for good toilet paper. It's a law. I would live off of Top Ramen noodles if I can wipe my a** with the fluffy stuff.
-Steve McGrew

"Oh, he's a character."
Translation "Oh, he's retarded."
-Jon Reep

"Josep, you want breakpast? You want some Prosted Plakes?"
After you hear that all your life you're like "Mom, what the puck are you talking about?"
-Jo(seph) Koy

I don't care if you're a carpenter, you don't know what 10 centimeters is until you see your wife give birth.
-Billy Gardell

You ever take a crap so big your pants fit better?

I was sittin' in a bean bag chair, naked, eating Chee-tos.

They call me Tater Salad. I call my son Tater-tot.