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Nikolita's Journal Stuff that's going on in my life, along with lyrics and pictures, and anything else I feel like adding.


Nikolita
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Overdue Update
This has been awhile... smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif A quick update for anyone who wants to know what's going on with me.

I'm almost 23 now, and it's almost my 5 year Gaiaversary! smilies/icon_gonk.gif I'm old!

I have a boyfriend of over a year and a half, as some people might know. He's 25, and we've been living together our whole relationship. We both moved yet again, so we're hoping we're going to stay put for awhile. ^^;

I'm back in school finally, taking a summer social work class as a pre-requisite for my university's social work BSW program starting in the fall. If I get in, I'll be done my BSW (Bachelor of Social Work) in 2 - 2.5 years or so.

I have my guild running still, my pride and joy on Gaia. smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif I don't spend as much time on Gaia now these days because I don't like the direction the site is going in, but I do still maintain my guild. The link is in my signature, please feel free to come take a look! It's been around for over 4 years now!

What else... Oh I make jewelry now, more of a hobby, but I'd love to have it as a job one day. You can visit me at http://niko-ad.blogspot.com.

I also have a Deviant Art account, where I post all of my art, photography, and jewelry. Come see me at: http://nikolitaniko.deviantart.com/


That's about it for now. Feel free to post any questions or just say hi if you'd like! *wave*




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Belated, but oh well.
1 year.



Nikolita
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Nikolita
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o.O [Edited 9/22]
I don't have words to describe what kind of a night this was tonight. Totally not what I expected it to be. If my ex is reading this, knock yourself out. I need to get it out somehow.

I was invited by my boy toy tonight to go see the new Resident Evil movie with a bunch of his friends. He wanted me to meet a friend of his, matchmaker that he is sometimes, and I thought I might run into my ex at the theatre, so I dressed up a bit.

The three of us got to the theatre, and...

HE was there. HIM, of all people.

It turns out my ex is a PART of my boy toy's group of friend's. And not only that, but he was with the ex of a former friend of mine. smilies/icon_mad.gif There's like 2 or 3 friends in common between my ex and myself, and it just reminds me of how small this town and this world really is.

He was totally shocked to see me, moreso when he saw me with my boy toy, because he has a rep of being a bit of a manwhore (which I already knew). He asked where we met, but I wouldn't tell him, and then I went to sit with my boy toy and his friend. We sat next to my ex's roommate, there's a bunch of them living together.

The movie finished (if you like lots of blood and gore, go see it), and then afterwards we all met outside to discuss what we were going to do next. We'd voted on mini-golf, but some people weren't going, so we worked out rides and left. I was a total nervous wreck, my ex triggers my anxiety and I get really shaky.

We went to the game place to play video games and mini-golf, and I tried to avoid him. He was still with the ex of the former friend of mine, whom I was told by my boy toy that they're either dating/pseudo-dating (either way, spending a lot of time together) and that was THE last thing I needed to hear. So I tried to avoid them more after that.

It was winding down a bit, most of our group was out of game tokens, and I was following my boy toy and his friend when my ex grabbed my sleeve and said he wanted to talk to me for a minute. So we stepped aside and the rest of the group took the hint and left us alone.

He actually APOLOGIZED to me, for being an a*****e and for the way he treated me while we were living together. To which I said "Yes, yes you were" and he looked a little sheepish. I didn't say I accepted his apology, or even thanked him - I know I probably should have, but I didn't want him to think I forgave easily. I was still trying to wrap my head around the apology anyways. I think I'm still a little too angry to forgive at this point, and it'll help if/when I get another boyfriend.

He asked about my classes, I asked about his mom, we kinda updated each other on what was going on. He said if I still didn't want to talk to him he'd understand, and if I did then that would be ok too, and same applied if I was going to hang out with their group of friends again. I don't know, I haven't decided if I'll hang out with them again. I really don't want to be there if he's going to be there with his girlfriend, that's like salt in an open wound right now.

He also asked me if I hated him, to which I didn't have an answer. I damn near started crying at that point, and I think he was close to tears too. Nice to know the guy still has something resembling a conscience. I said I didn't hate him anymore, and that it was a really strong word, but that I was still angry, and regretted how things turned out. I think we both were close to tears at that point because we kind of stopped talking. I said I understood we both had our problems, and that I wasn't going to take the whole blame, and he agreed it was due to both of us. He explained some of the reasoning behind why he'd been such a p***k while we were living together, which made sense, and said he'd found the letter I left him (something like 20 pages back to back of writing in which I told him off and told him how much he'd hurt me). He said he wished I'd said that sooner, and I said that due to the issues I had at the time, I hadn't been able to form it into words because I'd choke up and start crying and it would fall apart.

I really just wanted to go after that, I was confused and wanted to go somewhere to be alone and cry for a bit. ********, I still want to do that now. And I just don't know what to do. When it comes down to it, while I've gained a little respect for him after our talk tonight, I still don't trust him. And I'm scared to death of letting down my guard again and having him hurt me all over again like he did before. Nevermind having to see him with his girlfriend anytime I want to hang out with that group of friends.

So I just don't know what to do. I need a day or two to think on it. I was thinking of e-mailing him tonight but I might wait a day and see if my head clears a bit. I won't be putting him back on my MSN, I don't want him to think I'm eager to talk to him and falling all over myself to be nice again. And I still haven't figured out how to deal/cope/channel with my anger now that he's apologized, since I can't really direct it at him once he said he was sorry.

-_-;

And then boy toy was still asking me to come over and sleep with him when we talked later that night on MSN, after we both got home. smilies/icon_rolleyes.gif Yah, because I was totally going to bike/taxi over at 1 in the morning and sleep with someone who just wanted me to get off with. Especially in the mood I was in.

I don't know whether I want to be friends with my ex again, whether or not to start talking and trust him, to be something resembling friends. I'd give my right arm to ask if he'd ever date me again, seeing as how we both apparently have changed over the past year (well, I have, I haven't talked to him enough to say if he has), but I'm afraid of the answer. If he said yes, I don't know if it would happen because he's got his new girlfriend and has moved on, and if he said no then I'd have my heart ripped out all over again.

I regret the way things turned out, we both do, and I miss how we used to be. I didn't just lose my boyfriend when we broke up, but I also lost my best friend.




2 comments
Quest COMPLETE!
smilies/wahmbulance.gif MY QUEST IS COMPLETED!! smilies/wahmbulance.gif

As of Sept. 14/07, largely in part to a very, very generous friend, I was able to complete my quest far far ahead of schedule, so a huge thank you to them (they know who they are). A big thank you as well to the user who was willing to part with her OMG and Nitemare Scarf.

But I couldn't do it without the help of everyone who came to bump, chat, donate, or just be supportive, so a very big THANK YOU to everyone who came to either one of my quest threads, or both. 1 year and almost 10 months later, my quest is over! 8D And I will never ever trade these items. smilies/icon_xd.gif

*dances around happily*

And now other people can benefit because I can go back to randomly donating to users now that my quest is over. smilies/icon_ninja.gif



Nikolita
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Nikolita
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Kick a** Art
Thank you to Savina for getting me this awesome art, and thank you so much to Xaitoh for drawing it!! smilies/icon_4laugh.gif smilies/icon_heart.gif






5 comments
MY GUILD IS BACK UP! ^_^


MY GUILD IS BACK UP! smilies/icon_biggrin.gif Re-opened it as of July 19/07.



Nikolita
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Nikolita
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Why My Guild's
Sorry, I should've thought of this sooner. smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif

So, I shut my guild down. Temporarily, of course, though I have no idea how long it'll be down for.

Why?

Because of this little gem, not to mention other reports I've seen for my guild:




Isthene Wrote:
The Freedom of Speech Petition

Note to the Mods: Please, do NOT Bin this thread. It is not a repeat. Yes, there are other similar Petitions. However, they deal with situations of botting and hacking, or banning in general, not freedom of speech. This is a valid petition for policy change, not just against the bannings.





Quote:
News: We have created a Discussion Thread. If you have something to say, please feel free to use it to discuss all the inner works of this petition.



This is a Petition to stop banning users that, while having opinions that are taboo, have not broken the TOS, or any US laws.


Many Guilds, Accounts, and Threads on Gaia have been Deleted or Banned under the guise of having violated the TOS.

While these Guilds, Accounts, and Threads may have stated opinions that are considered Taboo in most cultures, they have not violated any part of the TOS.

Some of these Guilds, Accounts, and Threads are accepting of such Taboo things as Homosexuality, BDSM, Incest, Zoophilia, *****, and other Sexual Minorities. While these things are certainly taboo, it is not illegal, or even against the TOS, to simply discuss them in an open and accepting manner, so long as that discussion does not become sexually explicit, and so long as the discussion does not encourage the acting out of any illegal activity.


Yes, you might think that these things are gross, or perverted, that does not mean it is okay to ban reasonable discussion of them.


Some of the Guilds, Accounts, and threads that have been banned are:




Quote:
The Sexual Acceptance Guild 2
The Torture Chamber Club


Cinema-Strange
Iron Sole


The Alternative to Age of Consent Thread



None of these Guilds, Accounts, or Threads violated the TOS.
They neither Encouraged Illegal Activities
Nor posted Sexually Explicit Materials.
This was made sure of by the Owners of the Guilds, the Members themselves, and the creators of the Threads.
And very few of them received warnings of any kind.


Yet they were banned.
Why? Their subjects are Taboo.
Do you think that's a good enough reason?

Let's examine some other guilds that 'Don't break the TOS'




Teen Sex, Pregnancy, and Puberty Guild Wrote:
This guild, which is owned by a mod, has been running safe and secure for 2 years. It includes stickies like this, which teach people how to give good head, and have a**l sex.



Now don't get me wrong, I personally find these posts acceptable. However, if the mods believe this guild to be completely conforming to the TOS standards, how is it that the banned guilds are not conforming?


“Well, yours encouraged illegal activities”
No, ours didn't.


Ours only offered support for people who might have sexual interests, if, when acted on, are illegal. We did not encourage the activities themselves.

If you go by that logic:



Stoner Hangout Wrote:
Guilds such as this also encourage illegal activities, but it is considered acceptable.



So I ask you again, why is ours not okay?
Oh right. Taboo, I forgot.


Someone having a different opinion than you, that you personally find offensive, is NOT grounds for a banning.


If these people had broken any rules, it would be a different story. We urge the Mods to either follow the rules already in place, or make new rules covering taboo subjects. We cannot read the minds of the Mods.

Think about it. You could be banned for anything the Mods don't like, and it called a bannable offense. From our own conversations with mods, it is clear that there is no check system for the Mods. It's anything that any mod finds offensive today.

[Edit] The things we hope to achieve with this petition:
.The special guidelines that mods use should be made viewable to the public. So that we know exactly what is expected of us. If it is currently in a state that exceeds pg-13 material, then Edit it.
.There needs to be a better system of checks and balances from User to Mod
.It should be possible to appeal a Ban
.If a user is banned, the mods need to show exactly when and where that user broke a rule, and exactly what rule was broken.

Please post if you have more.


If you agree, please, sign.

When you sign please, please, please, write the word “Sign” in your post. If you don't, I don't know if you are actually signing, or discussing. If you could actually bold the word as well, it would make my life a lot easier.

You can link to this Petition in your sig with these banners.


User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. click to show.





Code:
[url=http://tinyurl.com/28wprk][img]http://tinyurl.com/26vhn3[/img][/url]


User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. click to show.




Code:
[url=http://tinyurl.com/28wprk][img]http://tinyurl.com/2fvpzn[/img][/url]



User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. click to show.




Code:
[url=http://tinyurl.com/28wprk][img]http://tinyurl.com/29wbry[/img][/url]





So, it's being disabled for now so I can clean up any questionable material and stuff like that. Once it's clean, users have no reason to complain anymore.

THE GUILD IS NOT SHUT DOWN PERMANENTLY, DON'T TAKE IT OFF YOUR GUILD LIST! smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif

From my guild's front page, realizing belatedly that you guys can't see it (sorry! smilies/icon_whee.gif ):




Quote:


As of June 16, 2007, this guild has been temporarily shut down due to some users complaining about this guild being "over the PG-13 limits". So, to prevent the situation from getting worse, and to ensure that users won't be able to complain in the future, I'm shutting down the guild indefinitely so I can clean it up a bit. I don't know when I'll be re-opening it - whenever I feel it's ready I guess.

Threads will be moved, and posts will be deleted, just so you're aware now. If you come back and an old post or thread of yours isn't in the guild, chances are it was probably deleted. I will also be overhauling the rules sticky, and adding a new list of rules on the main page, so PLEASE please read it once the guild is open again, because everything there WILL be enforced to the T.

Thanks for your patience and support during this time, as this whole situation has really upset me. Those who know me and know why the guild was set up know that this guild was never meant for anything other than to educate people, to help others out, and to be a place of support for people who needed it. I will work on clean-up as fast as I can, and I'm looking forward to being able to re-opening the guild and saying that it's completely in line with Gaia's PG-13 rules (so people won't be able to b***h anymore).

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Sincerely,
Nikolita



So yeah. If you have a question that hasn't been answered by this post, please PM me. DO NOT SPAM THE THREAD COMPLAINING ABOUT MY GUILD, the last thing I want is to start a flamewar. I'm just posting for content purposes, so people know what is going on. If s**t starts hitting the fan, I'll remove the post. Please be mature about it.

~ Nikolita

P.S - I'm sorry for not making my idea known before doing it. Once I had permission, I wanted to get it done asap to get it over with.

P.P.S - If you'd like to show your support, feel free to comment here or comment in my profile. All comments and shows of support are much much loved and appreciated. It makes me so happy to see that my guild has helped people and given them a place where they feel they can belong. smilies/icon_heart.gif I made the guild for you guys, after all. smilies/icon_wink.gif

~

Edit June 25/07:




Savina Wrote:
Huh. Well, I want to clarify a couple things for some people.
Isthene, the author of the thread, did not intend to imply that she thought Niko's guild should be shut down. Oddly enough, guess what? I'm friends with Niko and Isthene, and have talked to them both about this.

Isthene's purpose in putting up the bit she did WASN'T to say, "Look what they have! Shut them down too!" Her goal was to say, "Look, this guild is run by a mod (implying Niko knows the rules), and includes things that are somewhat sexually explicit. And yet, no one has a problem with this." She didn't WANT people to have a problem with it, so much as to realize that there's plenty of things out there that people see all the time and it is never addressed, that may be worse than threads they've had banned.
Like the marijuana/drug guild. They're allowed to have that, and yet people can't have one on BDSM? When drugs are illegal, and BDSM is simply a matter of taste? That's more Isthene's point, even if she didn't write it so well.

Now, I fully intend on talking with Isthene about the way she included it, because it DOES look like, "Well look here! They're bad too, and it's run by a MOD! Why aren't THEY banned?" But I promise, that's not her intention.

Niko, as far as us commenting that we don't want people to quit the guild... it's in no way about popularity. Neither you, nor my sister, nor I are in high school. It's more that, like someone already said on here, people go to click on the guild, go, "Crap! It's gone!" and then quit the guild. When it reopens, I'm not saying I want to be able to say we've got a huge guild, but more that we still have an active member base and that the guild returns to being as helpful to as many people possible again.

But, what's done is done, and we'll all just have to make extra effort when you get it reopened to try and advertise, and catch the people who quit and maybe don't see your journal or signature.

If anyone has any constructive comments for Isthene, regarding her cause and maybe better ways to word things, please PM me or Isthene.






1 comments
Countdown!
Going to see Josh in Vancouver, the countdown begins! smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif smilies/icon_heart.gif


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Nikolita
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Nikolita
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More Josh >_>
Yeah I know, more Josh stuff. Seriously, if you haven't heard of Josh Groban, look here and here. And then go buy his CDs!! smilies/icon_blaugh.gif


(I didn't make the banner, don't shoot me please.)


So yeah. Today I splurged and re-bought his newest CD "Awake", except I found the special edition, which has 2 bonus songs and comes with a DVD with behind the scenes stuff. I gave the original version I bought to my mom, so I've been looking for the special edition, or waiting until I had a credit card so I could buy the internet-only edition that has a 3rd bonus song. smilies/icon_ninja.gif

*ahem* Yes I'm sane, honest...

Between buying the CD and watching the DVD and listening to some of his other songs that I managed to download... I just wanted to post a bunch of his lyrics that have touched me. His music really means a lot to me, he's so talented and I find I'm just able to "connect" with his music on so many levels.

~

"All I Know Of Love", a duet with Barbara Steisand. Some of his vocals are in Italian, and I posted the english translation in italics next to the italian lyrics. And in the bracketed ( () )lyrics, those are Barbara's vocals, although she does indeed sing in many other parts in the song.





Quote:
Once I found a perfect love
And you showed me everything there was
To know of love
Time will not betray the truth
And for all the years we've shared
I celebrate with you

Un giorno t'incontrai [One day I met you] (For you...)
Pensai, "adesso lei" [I thought, "now it is she"] (And me..)
D'allora insieme noi [From then on, together we] (Will be...)
Forever

You are all I know of love
How could I ask for more
You're everything I'm dreaming of
You're all I need from love
And every star above
Spells out your name
I swear I'll always feel the same
You're all I want
From love

Dimmi [Tell me]
Che e per l'eternita [That it is for eternity]
(Like a memory)
M'attirai ad abitare nei pensieri tuoi [You will draw me in to live your dreams]

Con te [With you] (You are my only heart)
In te [In you] (I loved you from the start)
Noi due [We two] (Together, not apart)
Forever

You are all I know of love
How could I ask for more
You're everything I'm dreaming of
You're all I need from love
And every star above
Spells out your name
I swear I'll always feel the same
You're all I want
From love
All I want from love

Pensami [Think of me] (I think of him)
Perche io sogno te [Because I think of you] (You'll be with me)
Due cuori e un anima [Two hearts and one soul]
Guariti e liberi [Healed and free] (My love flows free to you)
I'll live my life (I live my whole life)
To be with you

You'll always be the one who taught me
Everything my heart knows to be sure

My heart knows you
You are all I know of love
How could I ask for more
You're everything I'm dreaming of
You're all I need from love
Every star above
Spells out your name
I swear I'll always feel the same
You're all I want
From love

You're all I know of love




Another one of his songs I've fallen in love with is "My Heart Was Home Again", off his Valentine's Day CD (titled "With You") which he released through Hallmark.

He got out of a long-term relationship with his former girlfriend back in... 2006 sometime I believe. Some of the songs on his "Awake" album seem to reflect the break-up, as does this song. The verses in red font are the parts I can relate to. The song on a whole reminds me of the healing process that comes with getting out of a long-term, commited relationship, and the process of moving on.

On some level, as much as I don't like to admit it, the verses in red also remind me that deep down on some level, I do still care for my ex, even though he hurt me as much as he did. And it reminded me that I still care about the person he used to be, back when we were dating and were happy together, before things went sour. And that I can remember back to that time and still be attracted to him, and still miss him and the way we used to be.




Quote:
So it goes, history shows
Deserts must expand
And camels sail like wooden ships
Like women on the strand

There's sand on Second Avenue
And the wind blows like a train
Taxis light up like a string of pearls
Around the block again

And I remembered everything
And every windowpane
Every word came back to me
The way it used to be


Then I saw your face across the street
And my heart was home again

There's a bus that leaves at eight fifteen
And another one at ten
Should I climb aboard, risk everything
And ride it to the end

Watch the hills like roller coasters
Up against the sky
And wish that you were here by me
So close that I could die


You said love wrecks everything
And none of us survive
So I got over you last night
And I am still alive

Then I saw your face across the street
And my heart was home again


And I remembered everything
And every windowpane
Every word came back to me
The way it used to be

Then I saw your face across the street
And my heart was home again



And then there's the title track "Awake", one of the bonus tracks on the special edition CD. I listened to it today when I got home from buying it, and thought it was a gorgeous song... but I'm listening to it again now as I'm typing this, and I was crying earlier because it was making me remember some times from with my ex (yeah I know, there's a pattern here... a lot of Josh's music does that, but sometimes it's positive memories instead of just negative feelings about the break-up).

The song is special to me because when I was listening to it, and thinking about my ex, some of the lyrics were reminding me of the mornings (or late nights) when my ex and I would just lie in bed together with each other. Not having sex, not talking, just lying together with our arms around each other, or just lying down and looking at each other. I used to love those times together. It was like time paused so we could have that time with each other, and now that we're not dating anymore, all that's left are the memories of those times.

Josh sings the song in past tense too, which makes it all the more fitting. Parts in red are the bits that are making me cry. smilies/icon_gonk.gif




Quote:
A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other
So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way

We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today


If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other
So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now with me
All my fears just fall away when you are all I see
We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today
And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today




Thanks for reading and putting up with my mini-obsession. smilies/icon_heart.gif This is what happens when I'm single and sex-less for this long. smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif

I leave you with one last Josh picture. smilies/icon_ninja.gif







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