mei!
xiao_tenshi
Community Member
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Posted: Tue Sep 14, 2010 @ 11:34pm
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Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 @ 12:03pm
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The one i fell in love with
where do i begin.
I guess you can say at first i was a bit superficial and completely into looks.
But after a few heart breaks and a bunch of tears i gave up in looking for love.
A four year process that i have not forgotten.
At first loneliness made me seek a friend just to hang with...
but then I met him through a friend; and things just started to click.
He asked me out on a bet. XP although, he says that he was going to ask anyways.
but most of the time i don't believe it.
Slowly i fell deep in love with this guy, he treats me okay, although, most of you would probably differ. sweatdrop
But you have to think that there is always ups and downs in a relationship. It's just mostly down in mine sweatdrop
He gets quite frustrated with me and i do with him.
He drives me nuts and pushes my buttons, but in return i do the same. XP
However, i wish he'd cherish me just a bit more than he does now. D:
I want to feel like i can be protected by him. But right now i don't think he can. sweatdrop
I'm much too old to just sit back and wait till he propose to me D:
but no matter how much i want him to marry me. I don't think i'll ever happen.
I try to talk to him about this matter or any other matter, but he just ignores me.
It tears and jerks my heart when he does that. I have told him...but once he's in his
"i'm ignoring you" mode he doesn't listen. -_-
People have told me to break up with him, but how can i?
i love him too much too. D:
Maybe if i left the country it would be much easier. crying
But doing so i'd leave my best friend who i love so dearly just as well.
our relationship has been so long that i don't know if i believe him D:
but it could go the other way around just as well. Him not believing me too.
I don't get calls for my anniversary and i don't get flowers quite as much anymore.
i usually ask for them then i get them XP
I feel our love is a dwindling candle that is at it's last breath of air.
Nothing seems to save it, not even trying to put it on top of another candle to continue the love.
When he says he loves me i want to ask how much? and why?
when he holds me, i wonder if he's just doing it to make it seem like were a couple.
When he holds my hand, does he feel all warm and fuzzy still like i do?
How much more weight do i have to lose till he wants me to stop???and when will he say that i'm just perfect the way i am and i should not loose any more T+T
Will i have to waste my life away waiting for my real life to begin?
the achs in my chest won't go away, cause the one i love seems still far far away.
He doesn't understand my culture, even though he is from it.
I can go on and on about all the stress i'm thinking crying
but i'll keep it too myself.
i predict that i won't get married till the age of 37.
why you ask???
well he plans to go back to school.
so he waits two years to get on the nursing program.
then another 4 years to finish nursing.
and who knows maybe another two years for that guy to even think of proposing to me -_-
just thinking about that makes me want to break up and move on D:
cause with another seven years with someone else and getting married would be the same -_-
and maybe the other would treat me better D;
but i doubt i'll ever leave XP
i feel cursed and depressed.
all i want to do is sleep and sleep.
sleeping makes the ach in heart go away, i'm numb from such stress and depression i have.
but now i have insomnia, can't sleep much D:
so if it gets worse i'll be on sleeping pills.
And let me just say.....i won't just take one.
and death doesn't seem scary when you sleep.
so far i've done a pretty good job in talking myself out of it everyday.
but i don't know how long this will will last.
i want to be happy and cheerful.
I NEED A CHANGE!!!
but being in love with him won't let me.
this feeling of limbo is so horrid that it's eating me up from within.
D:
All this hurt just cause i love him, but i just won't leave him.
Because i love him.
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xiao_tenshi
Community Member
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xiao_tenshi
Community Member
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Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 @ 03:45am
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Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 @ 09:42am
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how i have been
well let me just say this:
my parent situation is still the same
and my bf situation hasn't really gotten any better but he's somewhat trying.
like always not much communication, mostly because of me. I just don't want to listen to someone sleep on the line for now. Plus we don't really have much to say to each other than the same things. His work and my daily boring life. I miss him everyday, and every time, but what can you do right?
He's gone back to school, and so have i.
I really try to be supportive by making sure his work and school comes first. I try really hard not to complain about him not taking time off for me. But sometimes he does, out of a blue moon and it does surprise me a bit.
oh and there was one time he said that i wasn't being supportive of him. I for one was shocked that he can even say that.
i found that unfair that he thought i wasn't, but i didn't say anything.
Really didn't want to start an argument.
what's the point. I'm always in the wrong.
Mind as well end it right away saying i'm wrong than making a whole scene and still end up being wrong.
--sigh--
you know what i think? i think he's not being supportive to me.
But what do i know right?
i cry a lot.
sometimes on the phone with him, but most of the time alone.
why? well ever felts sooooo hurt you just had to cry because you know for a fact you can't do anything about it? well that's why i cry.
i think i try to make him buy me things so i can be much closer to him.
you know replace him with a object he's given me.
i don't know if it's true but i think i do that subconsciously.
i find myself adoring the gift he has given me. But an object cannot love you back or hold you in it's arms and tell you how much you mean to it.
I long for a day for him to say that, but i know it won't happen :3
i'm just dreaming :3 i'm full of dreams.
I think we all know that i am mean ...and mostly because i am. I treat my bf sometimes really horribly. Only because i'm upset with him, i either cried the night before or i know for a fact that i'm not going to get attention. what do i mean by it? well he comes over saying he's visiting but falls asleep wherever is convenient with him and he considers it spending time together. I prefer him going home and not even bothering to come over. Why? well it makes me feel like s**t he does that. I feel rotten and i hate it. Don't come over just to sleep, if i wanted that i'd say so.
We don't live together so i get nagged at by my mom. Saying i'm very inconsiderate for telling him to come over. Which i never did.
Makes me quite angry and sometimes the only way to get him out is to kick him out.
he gets angry about it, but what can i do. Sometimes i just can't take the fact that i can't sleep until i kick him out. I wish he was considerate at times and think about how i feel about it. I would rather him be awake and enjoying our time together instead him being exhausted all the time.
I'd appreciate the thought but i rather not have it. I would rather see him on a sunday or monday, his days off, where i can actually spend time with him without being angry with him still from a few days before.
i think the latest most upsetting incident would have to be the disney trip.
I called him up saying we should go to disney, but he kept giving me excuses and i became upset. I literally told him to stop giving me excuses and just tell me that he didn't want to go. I wanted him to stop beating around the dang bush.
So the line went quiet and well i was very upset. When we hung up the phone i was in tears. I told my best friend and i cried. not for long, cause i won't let myself cry for long...well at least i try.
But the next day he woke me up saying we were going to disney.
It really did brighten my day.
And oh how wonderful and magical the day was.
I felt like a spoiled princess. I loved that day and i wished it had never ended.
But you must always wake up.
The trip reminded me of how much i love him.
and i think if he left me and didnt' want to be with me anymore and just left one day and never returned.
I'd still sit by the door and wait for him to come home, even though i knew he wasn't going to walk through the door. I'd still cook his portion of the food even though i knew it wasn't going to be eaten.
that's how much i love him, but it also sounds chaotic XP.
we plan to move in together pretty soon.
i haven't told my mom yet.
my best friend and cousin knows about this, but i don't know if i can bear to tell my mom it.
i want out but i want to do it right.
and i'm completly stressing out about it.
I can't move in with my bf without getting married, my mom would have a heart attack. My mom is a pain in the butt but i still love her death as well.
i'm torn two ways and i don't know what to do.
I'm afraid to move in with my bf and i'm afraid of losing my mom.
i think lately this has been rattling my nerves and stressing me out.
Like life thinking takes lots of time.
And i have three months to think this out, but i think i'm avoiding it.
i have lots more to say.
But i'm tired and it's late
so i'm going to bed.
like i said i'm just venting and letting it out.
It helps.
I'm not looking for suggestions or sympathy.
i just need to let it out.
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xiao_tenshi
Community Member
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xiao_tenshi
Community Member
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Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 @ 08:34pm
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i might just be running
well lets see.
well i'm 26 and my mother, who i have to say is very traditional.
Still won't let me out of the house.
we've gotton into serious arguments,
and yet i still can't bare to leave my home.
So now i've decided it's time that i left this horrid
prison and go explore what the world has to offer me.
How am i running you ask?
well easy. i'm trying to get as far away from my
family and my boyfriend.
you see being first generation here in California makes my life hard.
My parent still think of the traditional way of raising me.
well i find it hard to live by.
Her idea is that i will only be allowed to move out when i marry.
Although, i don't see it that way due to the fact i grew up here.
There are few who completly agree with my mom, and others that believe that i should be out on my own.
but the question always come down to this
"why don't you make the choice in moving out? your an adult, she has no real say in it"
she really does.
See at the age of 22 i fell for the buying you a car trick.
Where they get you a brand new car, and she makes you pay the payments.
However, the payments take up most of your check. Hmm....what does that leave you?
Really nutin huh?
even with raises other expenses come up so
I have more than just my car payment, therefore i end up with just enough for necesities.
sweatdrop
Plus gas prices here aren't helping one bit
XP
I also find my mom to be quite irritating.
i have never heard of someone calling one person to tell them to call another person and to tell that person to call them.
rolleyes
i find that quite annoying, and she does it quite often.
Oh and did i mention i have a younger brother who is 22?
he is the worst slob ever!!!
he uses my facial material so i end up buying more
than what i use.
He gets away with pretty much anything, and i take the blame.
I complain about him to get him back but as usual it always comes back
at me.
i know i'm not expaining it very well, but it's like having someone get away with murderer. And that someone killed that person right in front of you and the other person. But all fingers point at you even with evidence.
That's what i'm going through.
Nothing makes since.
To top this off my boyfriend for four years
don't even listen to a single word i say.
I tell him that i feel that the communication in this relationship
is horrible, and that talking about his work all the time bores me.
I also dislike the fact that he is no longer romantic and complains about being
tired. It's like he was the only one who worked that day.
He makes me feel as if i have to be his mother, to tell him when to shower, and when to get ready for bed, etc.
I'm soooo blunt with my boyfriend, and yet he still doesn't listen.
I tell him when i'm sad, and why i'm sad. I tell him why i feel the way i feel.
But i'm completly tuned out. And when i do get his attention he doesn't want to talk to me.
crying
i love him, and we've been together for four years. But this relationship to me has
reached it's peak, and the only direction to move is down. Especailly, since his life evolves around his work.
and yes i have told him this. This topic has been brought up countless times and yet i get no reply.
crying
I don't know how to break it to him that i'm leaving out of state.
but i know i have too.
I've been holding and taking days off for him, when he won't even take a day off for me. I've lost alot to be with him and i don't regret it.
Not one single bit.
But now ...i'm going to be selfish and do something for me.
And only me, not for my family and not for my boyfriend. But for myself.
i feel as if i'm running away from all this, but most of my rl friends have told
me that i need it.
But they all agree i'm running away.
i['m just posting this to vent a little.
Makes me feel a little better.
I don't expect others to understand, and i definitly don't need your sympathy.
I'm really fine.
I'm just makeing a big decision in my life that i should of done long long ago.
Yes there are other things that bother me, but these two are the most annoyingist
stituations that seem to keep pecking at my brain.
thank you for reading and listening to my horrid complaint.
3nodding
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Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 @ 11:44pm
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for me to know not you!
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domo profile. please do not steal it. it has my name on it. don't be rude and steal it.
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xiao_tenshi
Community Member
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