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The Chronicles of the Weezie and the inflatable turtle
Weezie's random ramblings!!! Wahaaa!!
The horrific end to November...
So in my last entry I mentioned how I wasn't sure if I was pregnant or not.

Well, after writing that, another week passed, and nothing changed. It got to the stage where I was 3 weeks late, and I couldn't see what other possibilities there were other than my being pregnant.

Wednesday last week I went home sick. I didn't feel super sick, just a bit queasy. I thought it might be morning sickness, but it was the faintest of queasy feelings, so in reality it may have just me noticing things that weren't really anything, just because I desperately wanted a definite answer to the question of whether I was pregnant or not.

In the hopes of finally getting a definite result, I took another home pregnancy test that afternoon. But to my frustration, once again the result was negative.

I was googling online about pregnancy tests, trying to get some idea of how strong the possibility might be that I was actually pregnant but that the test couldn't pick it up for some reason, and I read that it is best to take the tests first thing in the morning. This is because the way the test works is it detects a hormone called HCG, which is a hormone that gets produced during pregnancy.

HCG levels increase further into pregnancy, so for this reason tests can often give full negative results if taken too early on. But also apparently the hormone fluctuates throughout the day, and tends to be strongest early in the morning, so you are more likely to get an accurate test result if you take a pregnancy test in the morning.

So for the rest of Wednesday, I tried not to think about it much and carry on as normal.

Thursday morning I was still feeling a little queasy, but still not properly sick. I got up and straightaway, took my one remaining pregnancy test.

This time, it said positive.

I felt a little relieved. It seemed so strange that I could be so far late...3 weeks. But now I had confirmation that it all made sense. And it was the result I wanted.

I told Taina, who was pleased. I went to work, and went about my day.

Late on Thursday afternoon, I was talking to someone at work, went suddenly I felt a really intense pain in my lower stomach region. So intense I barely contained the urge to yelp out loudly.

But then, the pain went, and I carried on.

Fifteen minutes later, there was the intense bolt of pain again, this time on the other side of my lower stomach region.

That evening, there was definite spotting. I felt worried, but a quick google search said that this wasn't that rare in early pregnancy.

Friday morning, I decided to go see a doctor. Having had a positive test the day before, I needed a confirmation, and to find out more.

The doctor I had seen the previous week, George, wasn't there. So I saw another doctor, Maki.

Maki told me that while it is fairly common for negative pregnancy tests to be wrong, positive tests are almost never wrong, so it was a definite I was pregnant.

She immediately got me to go do a urine sample, and when I came back, I told her about the pains and the spotting from the night before.

She looked slightly concerned at this, and then she analysed the sample.

The verdict came as little surprise. Somehow, although I had tried so hard not to think about it, I knew, deep down.

She told me I had been pregnant, but I was having a miscarriage.

She told me to try not to be sad. It's very normal. More common than people realise. A lot of people have miscarriages so early on in pregnancy, that they don't even realise they were pregnant and don't realise they had a miscarriage.

She told me that at least this tells me that I am able to become pregnant, so it can happen again. And she told me once again, to try not to be sad.

But here's the thing. How can I not be sad? I hadn't been pregnant for long, but as much as I had tried not to get carried away and overexcited, it was hard not to be.

I had a growing, partially formed human inside of me, that has now died and been forcibly removed from my body. I can't un-experience that. That thought is forever with me. Sorry for the disturbing detail there, but here's the thing. I can't hide from the disturbingness of it. For me it's always a thing that happened.

A couple of days have passed. I feel tired mostly. I went to work on Sunday as normal. I had thought I would keep it together. Until Darryl arrived and said, "Hi, how are you?" and I immediately burst into tears. I bet Darryl was real pleased she was early to work that day.

I didn't mean to tell many people about what happened, just how I hadn't planned to tell many people about it the other week when I suspected I might be pregnant. But I'm glad that I have ended up telling a lot of my work colleagues about it. Because I feel this way, they understand how I feel, what I need. If I didn't tell them, the expectation from everyone would be for me to rush around at work like usual, constantly helping everyone with everything. But by telling almost everyone the truth, people at work have backed off a bit, let me pace myself a bit more.

So there you have it.

Sometime soon I should really update about other stuff happening, but this month really it's been hard to think about anything other than pregnancy, miscarriage and earthquakes. What a great November it has been.

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