So we are now three weeks into 2017, and so far here's where things are at:
1) Donald Trump got officially inaugurated today, so he has now taken over from Obama as the President of the USA.
2) Dad, Nick, me and Taina have made some initial plans to go on a trip this year- from early May until early June. The plan is to fly first to New York for a few days, then on to Paris, do a road trip through France and Germany, and then back to Paris for a few days, then across to San Francisco for a couple of days before heading home. It's early days, but I've had the leave approved from work, and some of the flights have been booked, so things are off on a good start.
3) Because of the amount of leave I have to take over the course of this upcoming trip, I have absolutely no leave available to take between now and then, so the next three and a bit months are looking to be a constant continual stream of work and more work. So I really need to try and stay positive and not let myself burn out.
4) Me and Dad have a plan to take a weekend trip in...March? April? I can't remember, to go up to Auckland and see a Shakespeare play at the Pop-up Globe again like we did last year.
5) Taina is still on Summer holiday, but he has passed his course subjects from last year, so he is all set to do the second half of this second year this coming semester.
I had a cool dream last week. It started off that I had a baby. Soon after I had the baby, we had to take him to my work, and he got an eye test, and got these big, black, square plastic framed glasses. The kind that in real life are completely impractical on a newborn baby, but in the dream worked absolutely fine, in fact somehow made him cuter.
But then the next part of the dream was, me and the baby were over at Dad's house. Taina was out, working or something. Me and Dad were getting ready to go somewhere, and there was a lot for me to do, because I had to sort out a bunch of stuff for the baby. But Dad kept asking me about calling some phone number, to arrange a time for Taina to get a vasectomy.
Apparently, in the dream, there was some totally legit reason why Taina needed to get a vasectomy, some kind of health thing. But I didn't actually want Taina to do it, because I wanted us to have more children, so I kept telling Dad I would do it, but then distracting him with other jobs to change the subject.
But the weird part was, while this whole scene was happening, there kept being random time jumps, and every so often it would jump ahead to when my baby was all grown up, and suddenly he was a super hero. He had the same big black glasses, and looked kind of like Clark Kent, or to be more accurate, he looked like the superhero character in last year's Doctor Who Christmas Special.
But then, as after all of this happened, then it changed again. Suddenly, I wasn't myself in the dream anymore, I was experiencing the whole thing from the point of view of a middle aged lady babysitter, hired to look after my baby. (Like, my baby, not the babysitters baby). It was nighttime, and I (the babysitter) had taken the baby out to some large, cold, lake and had waded out into the lake in the middle of the night, because I had had a mental breakdown and was losing my mind. As I was going crazy and trying to figure out what to do, and starting to freeze to death in the lake, Neil Patrick Harris comes along, and sort of hovers above the lake. He starts talking, in a kind, soothing kind of way, telling me it's okay and I'll get through this, and then convinces me to give him the baby. And then I woke up.
Okay, so the dream actually makes more sense than it seems. The superhero thing and the time jumps clearly came into my mind because of seeing the Doctor Who Christmas Special on Sunday night. The vasectomy idea came about because on Sunday, at work Ashleigh was talking about this guy she just started dating, who is not yet even 30 but wants to get a vasectomy to avoid ever having kids.
And the Neil Patrick Harris thing came about because a) me and Cameron were talking about the new Netflix series of A Series of Unfortunate Events that he stars in at work on Sunday, and b) me and Taina have been rewatching How I Met Your Mother yet again recently so NPH has been on my mind a bit. Doesn't change the fact he is awesome, and now I can tell people I had a dream that NPH saved my baby. Lol.
And then the baby thing...
I get scared sometimes, of saying out loud, or even writing down, what I really want. The things I truly hope I can achieve in life.
It's fine when it is little things, or even bigger things when it is something I have complete control over. But the problem is, there are some things in life that we have no control over whatsoever, despite how much we might wish we could.
And when these things we have no control over just happen to be things we desperately want, desperately dream of, it's scary. And that is when I feel afraid to admit to these hopes. Afraid to openly, honestly put them into words.
I don't know why it scares me. Maybe because I worry I will jinx it somehow? Maybe I fear Murphy's Law will be out to get me, and that if I vocalise what I want to happen, the universe will conspire to make the opposite happen just to spite me?
But that's not like me. I don't believe in destiny, or karma, or some higher power who is a big fan of irony. I believe in the power of the mind. The power we have as human beings to decide what we want from life, think it through logically, devise an action plan of how we can steer things in the right direction as much as possible, keep using positive thinking to send positive energy out into the universe, and then just let things happen.
But that way of thinking is so much easier when the thing you want either doesn't matter too much, like if it is something where you would be disappointed if it doesn't work out but would get over it...or if it is something where if you are proactive about it you can actually have the power to make things go the way you want anyway, so there's no element of chance to it.
But here's the thing. The simple, honest truth. I want to have kids. I want to have 2 or 3 kids. My own kids, ones that me and Taina create together, that I give birth to.
That's not to say that I wouldn't consider other options if I had to: IVF, adoption, stuff like that would be on the table for sure if I found out I couldn't have kids for some reason.
But, so far at least, I have no reason to believe I can't have kids. And so I want to have them, the way I have spent my whole life expecting to have them. And so I want to get pregnant, sooner rather than later, while I am youngish, before I am at risk of diminishing fertility, while I still have time to have a few of them.
But here's the thing about this dream. It's one of the first life dreams I have ever faced where I don't get much say in the matter. Things like career decisions, relationship decisions...I had a fair bit of sway in the matter. But this, getting pregnant? I am at the mercy of the universe.
Sure, I can make the decision to do the "making babies" activity as much as possible. Sure, I can try my darndest to life healthily, to try and prepare my body for this possibility. But I can't be sure when or even if it will happen.
And that is scary. It's scary, because this is not like when you apply for a job, and you think, 'Hey, if I don't get it, maybe it will be for the best, and a better one is just around the corner'. If pregnancy doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen. If my body doesn't manage to create a child, then I might not get to have a child. And that is way too scary, given that being a Mum is by far one of the biggest life dreams I have ever had.
So I try to stay patient, stay calm, just keep on waiting, and hoping. And reminding myself not to go crazy, when it's barely reached two weeks since my last period, and I know logically there is no possible way I could have gotten pregnant yet anyway.
The upcoming potential overseas trip could not be more perfectly timed, I feel. See by the time May comes around, either one of two situations is likely.
First scenario is by then I have become pregnant, but I won't be too far along, up to 3 months at the most, so it shouldn't change much, and I'll still be able to enjoy the trip, possibly enjoy it even more, knowing it is likely the last big trip I will be able to do for quite some time.
Second scenario is I don't manage to become pregnant by then. By then though, I will likely be getting irritated and stressed from the several months of fruitlessly trying, and so the trip will be a welcome, relieving distraction, and it will give us a break away from it all for a few weeks.
Either way it works.
I guess the ultimate question is, how lucky do I feel? Could 2017 be an amazing year, where I get to travel, and get to become a parent, and all my life goals just fall into place in one swoop?
Let's just see how the dice roll.
· Sat Jan 21, 2017 @ 08:57am · 0 Comments