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getting really sick and tired.

my life is changing and i don't like it.

as a child, i used to fantasize about how my life would turn out when i was older. i wanted to be happily married to a nice guy, to have eight kids, have a big house, and - oh, right - i would also be a spice girl.

how i envision my life now?

i am a pathetic excuse for a human being whose life is currently crumbling around her. my parents are splitting, i'm losing my home of twenty three years, i've been single forever and am starting to give up on the idea of love altogether because of the blatant hate between my parents, and i feel like i'll always be denied the things i want out of life, no matter what i do.

i approached my mom today to tell her that i was thinking of going back to school so that i might actually stand a chance to make it in the career i'd like to pursue. her response was anything but supportive, and i could swear i felt myself die a little inside. there were no answers of "that's great, let's see what we can do to get you set on this path", just an "oh. are you even gonna be able to make money with this?" along with the implication that she wasn't willing to cut any time out of her schedule to drive me to these classes, even though i didn't even ask that. i feel like i'd get a better reaction from my dad, but he tends to be emotionally abusive, so i'm afraid to even ask.

while i have a good positive of having friends who love and support me, the sad truth is that my family does not. "you dress weird." "dying your hair blue is a bad idea." "why do you like anime and play stupid video games." "why do you like fake electronic singers? you shouldn't cover songs with with them because it's not right." i have gotten all of these remarks in one form or another, and despite how much i try to ignore them, they hurt like hell. i'm pretty sure i've even been asked about why i care so much about a "dumb website like gaia" and why i would ever invest real money into it.


the sad truth is that my gaia life is infinitely better than my real life. i have good friends here who don't judge me. i've had amazing opportunities to work with gaia artists and create items. i've had complete strangers compliment me on things like my avatar, my profile, my art, my writing, and some of the things i've said. i don't have anything to worry about or complain about on here. i feel emotionally safe here. and if my only gripe about gaia is that they don't release enough mint hair, then that's pretty good, imo.

bottom line is, to all my gaia friends, i absolutely love you guys. just to know you gives me the strength to get me through these really shitty days, and i am so grateful for that. so, thank you.

while my life certainly isn't at a point where i'd like it to be, i'm going to keep trudging through. i'll keep believing in myself as much as i possibly can and i'll continue to dream. and... despite the fact that i'm getting really sick and tired of my life offline...

i think i'll be okay.

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