This isn't going to be a real funny and upbeat journal post and I apologize for that.
I actually want to confide in someone about something I have been doing for years upon years that I don't have the guts to tell anyone else about. I have been judged a million times in my life over every little mistake I have ever made and I have battled depression and hardcore anxiety (Which I am still battling...) and I had told myself for a long time that bruising myself was not self harm. It was just something silly that I turned to when I needed to get something off of my mind.
But I guess now I feel like I need to tell someone about it. Like I need to prove it to myself that I want to stop. Isn't that silly?
I felt like such an idiot whenever I tried to get the lady balls to tell someone that I bruised myself. What do you even say that doesn't sound ridiculously retarded? "Yeah, when I have a lot on my mind I find the nearest solid object and hit my shins or my hip bones as hard as I can until I can't stand the pain anymore." Oh yeah, sounds really sane, doesn't it?
At first I had thought about cutting, what a wonderful way to get everything out of your system. Just let it flow right out. But I don't like scars, I hate them. And it seemed like such a cry for attention to me. I didn't want people to know.
One day I picked up my phone and just thinking to myself I gingerly tapped it against my hip bone without thinking. After a while the pain of the already forming bruise and the continuous phone tapping against it made me feel better. Relieved. The pain was such a happy distraction from everything that had me feeling like s**t. I started to do it more often, and it was such an easy thing to cover up. Especially your shins. Oh, I ran into a coffee table. Or silly me, I fell down the stairs. People know me, I'm clumsy. I do that kind of s**t all of the time.
It became my secret escape. There are a few photos of me that show my bruised hip, like one my mother took of me throwing my little sister into the air and catching her. But I guess it never occured to my mother what I was doing. Just a bruise, right?
I want to tell my boyfriend, he has a nagging feeling anyway. I can tell. He saw my bruise today when I got out of the shower and was drying off, I hadn't even remembered it was there. He asked what happened and I just told him I hit the corner of the island cooking. I don't want him to think I'm crazy, you know? It's so silly of a thing but I can't stop... If I stop the emotional pain just drives me insane. I want to tell someone, I want someone to talk to. I want someone as a friend who goes through the same things and knows how it feels.
I don't want any messages about how it's wrong or how it's stupid because in all honesty I know it is and that's why I have been so scared to tell anyone about it... But if there is any chance someone comes to reading this that does any form of self harm and knows how it feels or successfully stopped hurting themselves could you private message me? I really really could use some help here.
It would mean the world to me.
A f t e r F X
· Wed Mar 26, 2014 @ 05:09am · 0 Comments