Alone in a mostly-dark room, with just a few lights on. A tense throat, shaking hands, burning eyes, and a sick stomach. It's the feeling you get when you want to cry; you're sad enough to cry. You're sad enough to curl into the fetal position and cry until you fade away. But you can't quite do it. And that makes it worse. Tears are right there, you can feel their tension in your stomach, in your eyes, and throat. You can see that they're near because your hands are shaking. How could you not know? The nausea and the need to cry are equally as overpowering. Instead of surrendering myself to those feelings, I'm sitting on the edge of my bed. I almost feel like I'm not alone, because it's me who did this. I almost feel like if I looked to my side, I'd see a twisted version of myself mirrored beside me.
I have emotions within me that overwhelm me and strangle the people who try to put their hands on me. I have insecurities that cause me to panic until I fill my loved ones' heads with so many ugly images that they can't help but run away from me. Rather than rotting in these emotions and hating everyone and everything because of them, like my father, I can see them and I can understand how horrible they are. But that doesn't empower me to fight them. Instead, I'm crushed under the weight of them. It costs me people who care about me. It destroys relationships that might have changed my life otherwise. I've already gotten sick of writing this, and I had so much to say. I just want to lay down and fade out into a grief-stricken haze, and wake up to a horrible, gray morning to deal with these monsters alone, in silence. I went a long time without seeing this happen... but tonight it happened again.
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