Friends fall through. And for me, family doesn't exist. I go through life, and as I live it, it disappears behind me, and you don't get that time back. When it happens, I just go through the motion lifelessly, and I get this sort of sick, restless, and somehow at the same time lethargic feeling, and I just let it all happen, mindlessly, until one night I look around, and I say "Wow... it's been so long since it started." Then I look at a message or an entry from that time, and it's been a month, or two.
Today was a horrible, horrible day. I felt like crying, and then I felt like screaming, and then I felt like just lying down and sleeping it all off. At some point during all of that, I just absolutely wanted to die. So I got home, and I felt a bit better, but it didn't last. After a few hours, I tried to sleep, but couldn't. So I started thinking... about how I didn't like living in this new place. I started thinking "Should I never have left my father's house?" but, I hated it there, too. I could still go back. After all, I'm still a child, technically, and my father even told me that this was just an "experience" for me. But, i bought an apartment with my brother, with money that I earned with this job. I spent about 700$, and now that I think about it, in my current lifestyle of paying all my own bills, feeding myself... it would take me months to save up 700$. My father treats me awkwardly. We fought all the time. He said I was entitled to be home, but I know the man... maybe I'm wrong, but he's just so strange. He complained about me when I was there. It sounds like I'm welcome, but it's not true. I'm not welcome, and I always felt uncomfortable, that's why I left. But life is tough now.
I thought leaving that place would get me out of that rut. All it did was put me in a new one, of mindless life-wasting. Day after day, in monotony. I'm lonely. I thought being in this apartment would give me all the solitude I ever dreamed of, but now I feel more intruded upon than ever. I live with someone who I dislike, someone I never thought I'd be living with. I still don't have a light in my room, since apparently apartments don't come with overhead lights. I just sit in the dark, on my computer. The tap water here is disgusting. My water intake has been reduced to a fraction. I have to walk across a long highway to get to work, there and back, every day. It sucks, especially since my Mp3 player died today, and I had no music.
So tonight, I began to think of "home", and I felt homesick. that room... my bed, underneath the window. Sitting up and playing Final Fantasy VII. I grew up there, too... so many memories. Mostly of my "old family" that has long since split up. But, still... my dog. The forest there, that I would walk in, and sit on the swing. The beach. I started to wonder if maybe I should just go back... it's only been over a month. Maybe I should just go back, where I can save money, where I have more solitude... but, where I am uncomfortable, and under my father's oppressive, repressive attitude. Listening to him go on about god, and all that other traditional garbage...
So, I remembered that place, that I called home for nearly half of my life. I thought about how it would be if I went back... it'd be alright for a while, I guess. It would feel like visiting. And then, it would go back to where no one ever looked at me, or talked to me, and my father's significant other (a mindless, weak, annoying woman) would drive me absolutely insane. I'd start to wonder if they wished I never came back. The first time my father would yell in my face, I'd swear that coming back was the biggest mistake of my life, and then I'd forget how badly I hate being here.
My friends online didn't reply to my messages, when I was lonely, and wanted some sort of company. I went and sat in the kitchen, just to get out of my dark room. So then, I decided to write this entry. I'm staying up too late as it is, it's cutting into my sleep hours before work... but I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. Insomnia... and, there are too many thoughts going through my head. I could play video games, but I wouldn't enjoy it, and it would eat away my sleep hours, and would make tomorrow a veritable hell. Not only that, but tomorrow I work early, which makes it inconvenient... and not only that, but the next day I work ALL day, from 8 am to 4:30 pm. So, that will be a veritable hell any way. I'll end up staying up all night, because that exhaustion is probably less than the exhaustion of getting insufficient sleep.
This entry is obviously just me venting, because my journal only gets about a dozen views, and those are just clicks. I don't know anyone on Gaia anymore, because I completely ghosted out, because I'm so depressed. Anyone who clicks this entry won't read this far. And, I don't blame you. All I write about anymore is the same repetitive heartache. Not even friends would want to hear this trash. It even makes me sick. I take all this hopelessness and turn it into writing, and anyone who actually read it would only be able to think "Wow, what a miserable person." and then get on with their life.
But, I guess that's it. I don't really have anything else to say. I'll find some sort of TV to submerge my mind in until I feel like I can pass out. Then, I'll wake up and not have slept enough. Then, I'll do it all again... so, there you go, journal. This is me stepping into the rest of my life, may it get better than this.
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