I wanted to save this conversation that I had with my friends Josh and Christian. Because some things happened, I just sort of started talking to my friends, and I opened up. It's strange, the way it happens... I was able to tap into some really deep feelings that I've never been able to put into words. So I never forget again, I wanted to record the things we said to one another. And, so I figured I'd record it in my journal.
Josh: haha whatcha doing?
Me: kind of drifting.
probably just watch TV and slip into a non-productive haze xD
Josh: haha those are always good XD
Me: I disagree wholeheartedly xD
Josh: lool why? XD
Me:Hm... hard to explain xD
I guess I feel like the real me, who i really am, only comes out when I'm burning with passion, writing for hours on end
and when I spend my days just watching TV and "drifting" through the days mindlessly, I feel like the real me goes to sleep, and nothing that happens is worth anything, until i can finally wake up again
Josh: haha i understand XD
i dont get to do it often so for me it not bad to be able to spend a day relaxing lol
Me: Not just relaxing. I mean doing my job... I can't remember a second of it. I just drift away, get work done, and come home, only to slip away into television, et cetera. Seems like all I do is drift. I'd much rather be awake. Burning with passion, doing things that I do. Writing... when I write, I show the stories inside me. Somehow, I become more acquainted with myself
I don't really know who I am, sometimes.
What things I do, what things I say.
Sometimes I'm unsure of who "me" is.
Josh:well i tend to get that way when my add is running rampant lol
Josh:awe thats not good
Me: especially when i drift. When i slip away into all these mindless hours, it truly feels like I'm no one.
Nothing I do feels real, it just burns away behind me, with nothing to show for it.
Josh: i dunno what to tell you
With my friend Christian, we discussed my situation with my brother, and living on my own. My brother and his girlfriend broke up, which was one of the things that happened when I came home. Then, right after that, my friend Jon messaged me up to tell me that my hard drive was undoubtedly destroyed, and the information irretrievable.
Me: Wow... a lot has happened.
Christian: Ahoy lad!
And what ye mean?
Me: Well, my brother is shut up in his room
and his girlfriend was walking out of the apartment with a bunch of her things.
So, I messaged him: "Did you and Zoe break up?"
and he texts back "Yes."
He is getting drunk now. And, my friend Jon, the computer whiz, just messaged me up and told me that the information on my hard drive is absolutely, totally, undoubtedly gone forever.
Christian: Oh damn, thats a tub of s**t that landed there.
Me: Quite, yes. Not a tub, but rather an entire double-wide Olympian exercise pool of it.
Christian: Oh yes, a massive one. What of ye lad? How ye feeling?
Me: Well, my brother doesn't want to even talk to me, which I offered. He just kind of walked past me.
he and I are different. I guess I felt obligated to tell him that I was there for him, even know we've never had that kind of relationship.
It felt gross, and he snubbed me.
But it doesn't matter to me.
As for my work, on the hard drive, I pretty much kissed it goodbye after the professional didn't call back for days.
Jon is a good guy, but he was probably just making a scene.
Like, he's bright and everything
but he was just giving his ego a workout.
Christian: Aye lad, whats happening with yer brothers will that effect yer living there?
Me: I don't like living here. Partially because of his girlfriend. Partially because of him, and I know he just invited me to be his roommate because he was in a bad situation
Maybe I was presumptuous, but I thought maybe we'd get to know each other, and maybe hang out sometimes. I can't really recall ever wanting to connect with him, but I guess I did, because when we moved in together
and no one even talked to me
I was disappointed
But it's my own place. It's not like their indifference to me would hinder me from being alone
Maybe I hoped to gain a brother, and a friend (his girlfriend)
but when I saw that they obviously weren't interested in having anything but someone to pay their share and sleep in the same place
then I just said "Whatever, this doesn't stop me from having a place that's mine. I'll just have this room, and do as I please, by myself, like I always have."
But I'm not happy here. Or rather, I don't feel at home.
I don't have the seclusion that I thought I would.
Captain: Do ye feel more comftrouble at your fathers home?
Me: God no, my father is a control freak
and what's worse, he isn't even a control freak out of affection, or the desire to protect me
He just wants to see someone break at the sound of his voice.
Someone who must do as he says, and listen to what he says.
I managed to escape from it by going on six hour walks. But what life is that?
Captain: Yeah agreed lad, in the long run I think its better staying with yer brother.
Me:I don't know.
I don't know if you'd be able to relate in any way to what I'm about to say
maybe you'll think I'm insane
but I kind of miss living at his house
because in this apartment, I truly am 100% alone, secluded, detached from everything.
Christian: Nay I understand lad.
The feeling of having someone else there even though its not so pleasant can be oddly comftrouble in a way
But, what's most troubling is that my brother asked me suddenly
"Are you thinking of moving back in with dad?"
and I was on the spot. Truthfully, I have been. I would be able to save money, and I might be happier
so I thought me and my brother were going to connect
like, emotionally maybe. I don't know. Maybe like, now that they broke up, he and I would hang out more, like brothers. Like maybe her leaving made him open up and engage me in a real conversation
but then he just said that he only asked because he'd be in a bad situation, as far as rent goes, if I left.
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