The past few entries have been usually sad or frustrated or something along those lines. It's definitely a noticeable pattern, even to me. So I've been sitting and thinking. And I've come to the sad realization that I don't love myself anymore
Let me explain. Compared to how I felt in the summer, there's been a very significant drop in my self esteem and happiness. When I'm alone, I'm allowed to truly be myself. When I'm around the hundreds of other students at school, I lose all that confidence. I notice my anxieties, my flaws, and I compare myself to others whether I realize it or not. And that's definitely harmful to my self esteem
I also tend to lose motivation once I start comparing. Everyone has dreams, skills, passions, and aspirations for their future. College applications are coming up. In all honesty, I don't even want to go college. I don't want to fake myself for another four years and end up a depressed, anxious mess cuz I don't even have the social skills to interact and function in society. I can study all I want, but when I graduate and need to apply for my job, write a resume, and show up to an interview, I'll break down. I'll probably hide and ditch or show up late to my appointments. Therapy is supposed to be there to help me with this stuff, but I'm too scared to mention it. Anyway, I have no dreams for college or a career. I don't know wtf I wanna do with my life. Whenever I try to research majors and job requirements, I become intimidated and just run away from my problems again. I hate this. Why isn't everyone else lost and scared like me? Why am I the only one?
I've stopped taking care of myself. School messes up my sleep schedule. I skip lunch sometimes cuz I don't want to eat in front of others. I haven't cooked and tried to make the best possible things for my health. I don't have time to go out for a walk and do light exercises daily. I just... I don't have the time for these things when I have to stress about school, my future, and everything. And it makes it worse but idk what else I can do.
My life is a train wreck right now. I have a busy weekend ahead of me, it's 2:41 and I'm ranting into a journal instead... Honestly I've probably disappointed my younger self so much. But it's not like I knew anxiety and stress was gonna screw my life up. So idk, I suppose that can't be helped
I wish next summer would come around again. I really need the isolation and extra time for myself. I hope college, if I do decide to go, won't be as scary and depressing as I think. I just hope my life in general won't turn out as scary and depressing as I imagine
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