time to panic
No really, I haven't had an existential crisis in so long. This one started yesterday and is still continuing now.
Okay, so my bday is coming up right? And I'm gonna be too ******** busy from school to figure out how to adult and do that. And I've already failed at achieving things I thought I would before I turned 18. So that's no fun.
Also, I still have to wait a year until I can graduate. And that's half a year wasted in school when I could be happier being alone instead. I'm looking forward to summer, but it's so far away.
And when I was younger, my parents used to talk to me about taking care of them when I was older. But I don't want that. Like, look at me. When I'm older, nobody's gonna take care of me. I'll be independent. Even if I'm old and it hurts to walk, I'll still do that by myself. I don't like feeling obligated to do something for anyone. And I don't like being expected to take care of them when I'm older and waste my own life not taking care of myself or my own family if I have one. That sounds selfish, but that's really just my own philosophy. Everyone has to take care of themselves and not expect anything out of anyone. Plus, I don't like being reminded that ppl get older and that we all suffer and die. It doesnt help me with my existential crisis. Literally, when I was kid, I used to break down and cry about this very topic. Also religion. Next paragraph
The thought of an afterlife or being reborn or both of those combined ******** terrifies me. It makes me want to kms, except that I don't want to go to heaven or be reincarnated. So I have to live and suffer. It's literally like can't I die in peace? I'm ******** terrified, but there's no escape anywhere. I have to suffer when I live, I'll suffer when I die, and I can't find a way to put myself out of that misery. So when I get a bad existential crisis and someone mentions religion, it scares me even more and I get a tiny bit suicidal but not suicidal. It really sucks. It's why I had to ditch religion in the first place and be atheist. Otherwise I'd worry and cry too much about that and not focus on the present.
Anyway, the other day, my brother was asking if I wanted anything cuz he was shopping at the mall so I'm like no thx. Tbh, I really don't want anything of monetary value. I have so many other things I need that money can't buy. But it's kinda bugging me how I don't talk to him more often. Like if I'm on my deathbed and start regretting everything. Well, technically I'm doing that right now, but still.
Existential crises suck. Do urself a favor and don't think too hard
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