Lately, I can't rid my mind of certain thoughts, so instead of bottling up every single emotion I have like I've been doing all of my life, I would vent them out.
As I lay here in this dark room, my mind is invaded by thoughts of negativity. It's been happening for months now. The relentless struggle within my own head is one of few victories, more and more I find myself slipping into a kind of trance, deep into thoughts of toxic relationships of yesteryear, and loathing in self-pity. Constantly beating myself up over every little thing. Always feeling like a bother or a burden to everyone close to me. Consistently paranoid that I'll lose everyone I love.
Words mean nothing to me. People who have told me they would die for me in the past are among some of the most painful to think about in the present. Funny how people change, isn't it? They tell you things that they think will make you happy, but never actually really mean them. Coming to this realization has not only make it extremely hard for me to get to know someone, but it has also made me completely disregard everything anyone tells me. In the end, it's all empty promises. Wasted breath.
After spending my entire life trying to make everyone I know happy, I feel selfish for wanting what makes me happy. Talking about myself further makes me believe I am annoying you, and this is why I apologize a lot when I do it. It feels awkward to have conversations talking about me. This is part of the reason why I unhealthily cope with my ever-present, overwhelming, anxiety. When I bottle all my emotions up, I don't have to talk about them to you, knowing full well you have your own problems and s**t to deal with too, right? I'd rather not force my weight on your shoulders.
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