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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
working on friends
I dreamt of him last night. He told me he was from the slums and that's why he didn't want to talk to me. We were so close to sealing the deal and he realized we didn't have condoms. My brain is hilarious, I finally feel like moving on and it pulls one last stunt. Well, I enjoyed the dream while it lasted. I saw another girl at the gym with bigger muscles than me and I got jealous. I still had bigger leg muscles though. Anyway I feel like I know what I have to do. After gaining enough friends I can move on from my current relationship without setting out all alone. I know I don't do well when I'm left to my own devices but I now have at least one friend with similar interests to me that actually respects that I have a boyfriend (I have also said I am not interested in dating after bringing him up to speed on my current situation) I'm meeting him at Wasabi to enjoy ramen and to hash over interests. I am relieved to have found someone around my age who is also mature enough to respect my decisions. This was exactly how my interaction with JP should have gone. I guess that's just the way things unfolded; so far all guys that I talk to have tried to date me. Ian, the guy I'm talking about in this message also says he had interest but didn't express it because he learned that I have a boyfriend. Now I need to continue searching for friends because I can't rely on him to respect that boundary because I don't know him all that well and just because I desire more friends. I wonder who I should try for next. At some point in this I should attempt to get a female friend just to dispose of my idea that all friendships with women are competitive.

I should clarify that I didn't tell Ian that I'm not interested in dating him (callously) but I said that I generally want to stop dating altogether once I get enough friends. I have found that every single time I choose to date someone I get depressed and I find that I feel most like myself after I avoid dating anyone for a while. I feel like I have nothing to gain from sexual interactions because most of the time I experience pelvic pain due to my cysts or I am disinterested and have no desire to engage in these acts just to keep the peace like I have been doing. I do want to get enough friends so I don't feel alone when I finally make the leap, especially if my boyfriend decides he no longer wants to stick around (which I wouldn't blame him). He said last weekend that he will try to incorporate things I'm interested in into conversations by continuing conversations I begin with my topics. He actually read a few things that were important to me over FB. I am a little impressed but I really wonder how far that could go after a year and a half of dating. I don't entirely want to move in with him because he flipped out when I didn't want to do a drill that involved airsoft although I agreed to attempt other drills that I was comfortable with (and actually did them). I don't like that he gets upset over me not instantly taking to his hobby. He went on a rant about how everybody sucks at first and that people just need to get over that and stop being little bitches after I indicated multiple times that I just didn't want to continue doing the drills, at least not that same day. I see he has a capacity for insensitivity. Ergo, I don't feel comfortable moving in with him anymore although it would mean freedom from my parents. I don't want to leave one shitty situation and jump directly into another. It is, perhaps, unethical to use him for company while I gain friends but he also chose my company rather than leaving me after I showed him the transcript of the conversation that unfolded between JP and I and this journal. I honestly feel like he has abandonment issues. I wouldn't mind if he stays on as a friend but I think I've had quite enough from this relationship. There is a part of me that regrets that it wasn't ideal, yet again. I feel that I will not find happiness in a relationship anymore. Everyone that I have ever interacted with in relation to this has not allotted me the same respect, care, engaging conversation, and investment that I have given them. I am well aware that my expectations are high but that doesn't change that I will not be happy with being in a relationship and frankly I'd rather not be a harpy in a relationship vs someone happy that just has interesting friends that have similar interests that may have some lousy qualities that she really doesn't have to care about because she's not dating them.

phaeleh

Le Visage Inconnu
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Le Visage Inconnu
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