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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
Much has occurred since I've last written. The calamity inside the apartment lead to a wholly trying but fortunately ending series of events. I've, essentially, managed to wean myself from my relationship with AM. In the end, he was trying all manners of things to try and get me to return my affection for him but, after all my experience of him never attempting any of these things when everything was alright in our relationship and his relaxation of all the new positive things he puts into action during the times that our relationship was on the rocks made me very tired and unwilling to continue anything with him. To my dismay, this meant leaving the cat behind. Fortunately, his parents have taken a liking to Wafer and have, essentially assimilated her into their household. I do miss her and I can't really convey that feeling to anybody that would understand, not even my current boyfriend. Perhaps it was early to begin anew from this perspective but I felt really ready and raring to try with someone new. My search was cut abruptly off at the same moment when AM thought I was back within his reach and at the time that my new boyfriend committed a folly. I will not reveal what that was so much as the efforts that ensued for him to call me back to his side. He made a public apology and called upon everybody to be his character witness. In an odd way, I found this rather endearing in that he cared for me to that degree but I was wary about his character until I returned to his home and stared him down, trying to read his intentions. To vanquish my anger toward his actions, of going too fast too far and not listening to my hesitation, I challenged my strength against his and almost demanded that he reserved himself and let me have control over what happened to him.

I should be clear. The pretty boy I dated for only two months before he started missing his ex from a 5 year relationship. It was a little lamentable but he didn't really engage with me mentally and I didn't feel a connection for much after his interest in artistic media. It was quite interesting that his body was a canvas and his positive attitude was awesome until he started moving away from me. I thought it also had to do something with distance and maybe it did because I had so little driving experience. To be sure, this influenced my motivation to do all that I can to make distance a nonissue in my current relationship but I do wonder, now, whether I am putting more effort for this than SM is making now (SM is my new boyfriend). I think I will try staying home more often, especially now that my parents don't mind his company at our house.

SM is the closest match to myself that I have ever dated. His similar thoughts range from complex moral issues to on-the-spot random impulses. Both of us don't entirely enjoy groups, although I suspect he is more open to them because he has gregarious friends. He's told me a lot about his experiences that make me sympathetic to him. He does have a manner of being vexed about interacting with certain people around him. In particular, he does not like people that work too slowly, get in his way, or require him to do things in a last minute inquiry. I feel like this may eventually lead to issues but it may also not. He is very romantic and, in an odd way, I feel he has placed me in a niche with, perhaps, one or two friends, where there's a green light for sharing experiences and emotions. I am, of course, still looking at this rationally. I have considered whether I'm seeing things through rose-colored glasses by comparing his actions to others I've dated before. He does have similar behaviors but, at the same time, his vary in a way that is considerate to other people that matter to him. For instance, he'd play a new game for hours at a time, but when I'm over at his place, he would not even check for updates. I'm curious how that would translate for living together and I'm skeptical there. I don't feel like living with someone else after my recent experience. Just the thought of it makes my anxiety rise through the roof. It does take an effort to separate my previous experiences from the ones I have with him but I have done so successfully. I have not focused any of my negative emotions on things he's done and, really, he has not misstepped yet. He really hasn't since his very first major action. It's weird to me that my very first intimate experience with him went so wrong and, yet, I've felt like I wanted to be with him more than AM. It puts things in perspective on how ruinous all the small things AM did to undermine me have made that relationship in my mind. I'm sure he is absolutely shocked of how low my opinion is of him. I mean, it should be if he thinks I overreacted over what SM did and SM says that he feels like I reacted reasonably. You'd think that SM was saying that to drive me toward him but he has a manner about him that drives a really clear line between him being serious and him being sarcastic. All he's done for the majority of our relationship was repent for his actions in my presence. He has apologized for his actions numerous times without me calling for it. I've even tried to dissipate the seriousness with jokes but he doesn't let that dissuade him from re-recognizing it as an error. He says that he can never see himself or trust himself in the same way again. Furthermore, and I know this is true after talking to him for a while, he is not emotionally prone. All his ways of connecting with a person involve body language and if anybody was fluent in it, it is him. His warm stoney-colored eyes fix upon yours and challenge you to look away. This is how he reads if something is wrong or if he feels he is losing your confidence. He commands the way his shoulder length hair falls around his face. Being coy and confident are like two sides of the same coin for him. I can imagine him wearing any clothing and it making sense on him. His face has a Norse quality about it but what really strikes me is his stature. I spent a lot of time considering that he was about three inches taller than me. There is something about someone close to my stature that makes things a bit more personal. He's also said that it was somewhat like looking in the mirror in terms of our mannerisms and I've wondered whether this is a supreme form of narcissism. Perhaps it is to some extent. Another thing that has been an allure for me was that he is able to bake and cook on the same level as me. He also keeps things reasonably clean and detests dishes laying about. His hygiene is impeccable. I rather wonder at how much of a coincidence it is that we both met after the end of long relationships and how unlikely it was considering I was that close to living with AM and he was so close to doing so with his ex. I mean I can go on about him for a while yet. I feel like I've collected so much "data" on his behavior, let alone on the things he's told me. I want to mention that he is as rational as I am in most things and, definitely, has more heart. His ease in expressing himself in a relationship has led to my own range of emotional experiences I have never had before. He says that he's also felt certain things for the first time with me even though he gave 100% in all his relationships, instead of somewhat giving up like me. I guess I can't convey why I felt it was necessary to do so because I can't place him in the same situation I was in. I feel like I should slow down and take a breather for now. I still have so much to say about him but I've already written so much and skimmed off so many details that I feel parts of this passage are confusing. In any case, I feel happy and relatively mentally stable now. I was worried that I was becoming undone, especially after getting kicked out of the apartment, but I feel rational now. It could be because of the way SM talks to me. He speaks softly, holds me closely, and I can feel my anxiety leave me while the warmth from his body replaces it. I was sure that nobody could do that sort of thing for me but whatever manner he's managed to form in his mind fills that role so perfectly that I've experience a resurgence of feelings I thought I would never experience again. He's healing me without doing anything special or unique to him and that's what's wonderful. After all, the best relationships are the ones where fitting together seamlessly on an imperceptible emotional level is innate. It makes me confident about a future with him and our ease for forgiving each other if it ever comes to that.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
Le Visage Inconnu
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