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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
What does it mean to never wont company? I never denied that it was easy for me to find someone, close to myself or not to hear me out. I've oft felt that words that I say become less sincere with every person I mention them to. Concerns become inconsequential and it's like repeating the all of it to the same person that finds it less interesting at every turn. For all I know, everything really is a projection of the mind, no matter how unlikely that perspective is in the actual construct of reality. I dreamt that a truck ran over my car, crushing my roof. I asked myself whether opening my door would cause a lack of support on one side of the structure, in order to let myself out but ultimately risk the possibility of being crushed. I made it out that way but, still, as in most dreams, I found myself pandering to someone hoping they would forgive the wrongs I have done them. I feel like I shouldn't be so soft, that many people take advantage of that. I feel like I'm in a good place with that romantically, even though I still sting sometimes. I know I get contorted into accepting the reality that I'm not good at some activities. I accept that courteously but SM stares across the table and acts like it should be beneath me. He would never admit if something never occurs to him and maybe that's a little hot because it feels like it's actually true, that I really can't have a thought he can't be privy to, but I want to clasp a glass box to myself of feelings I have yet to share, something to be unlocked in five years. I am used to spilling my troubles to anyone who would listen because it's a way of releasing my anger but I should not let him know me completely, not yet. He probably doesn't if making me return to my base pleasure is a graded experience but I need to remind myself that 3/4 of a year is not enough to understand everything. Making myself readily understandable, like the taffy off a child's hands, is not conducive. Maybe dispensing my realities as they occur on the person that's closest to me is something that I live with and absorb the retaliation from quite freely. Perhaps that's the most logical means of obtaining morality. I will not be savaged by a mind that deems to understand me entirely. I explain my actions freely to portray pacific balance but no intuition has been observed. That's a new thought I have not denoted. What does intuition look like in SM? It's not in the way I talk to him, although I admit that sometimes I am short with him because I want a reason for something to be passionate about. Maybe his intuition lies in the way he similarly pieces together general occurrences between phenomena in the public sphere. He doesn't understand how to read my emotions and isn't open to understanding them in a box outside of what he has already experienced with previous individuals. I often find myself having explain myself when I really shouldn't. He doesn't venture explanations for my actions past me trying to harm him on purpose. Maybe that's what I'm doing know. Maybe it's me trying to find some way that he doesn't understand me that is harmful. Some doubt is, undoubtedly, healthy though. Folding our relationship like clay in order to understand seedy underbellies in ways that I denied able to do so for other people is just a healthy thing to do. It is very different. His intuition may lie in the way my interest and positive emotions are conveyed, because they are easy for him to understand. He lives within the realm of positive experiences so the most difficult may escape him. He does not harm me. He is cautious though, peering into the way I react to instances to understand how I would understand realities we may face together. As usual, I have never felt more surrounded by someone. Perhaps that's what's so attractive about him, that nothing is beyond him and he can shield me as a focus of tender emotions. I certainly feel it and don't really have anything negative to mention. Perhaps these anxious feelings will fade like my angry ones toward my family when I began to focus on him. Maybe I will continue to heal like he has facilitated, in a private way rather than only in my trust for him.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
Le Visage Inconnu
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