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like a diary but not really
I like to think I tried my best
sad cling to dumb memories
"My existence is laughable. Its truly amazing how much I put up with myself." - talking about myself

I remember being 15 and it was raining outside. I was at my auntie's place, where I had stayed the night before, and everyone else in the living room watch a movie. It wasn't my room but I was allowed to sleep there, for as long as I stayed. My parents were at home, possibly drinking. They were home, along with my brother and sister. And I had to stay here. I never understood.. I still don't understand why, I was the only who had to leave the house. What was suppose to be my own home too. I was the oldest, if only by a year, but I was always treated like the baby of the family. And I took that resentment on others, who weren't to blame at all. I laid there, with my stupid journal, spouting my hatred because no one tried to help me. Taking a break from writing to listened to the rain come down, ignoring the stereo on in my room. I had s**t taste in music. Thinking about how, just the other day we came from playing outside. I don't understand why would I remember that day. A day so mundane, I remember myself thinking about the rain.

I'm 21 and I'm still treated like a little kid. Pushed aside while the grown ups talk. pft.

I don't have a best friend. Just putting that on the table. And I'm afraid of getting close to people, so all I have are well-known acquaintances. The only time I remember having any close friendships were back in elementary school. I think I had a best friend. I know I had a few good friends. I remember their names, their faces. It might be weird, but I still hold onto these memories.

We were best friends for the entire year of grade 3, the four of us. Remembering now, I was still shy and didn't talk much. The leader to our group was tough, or at least looked it. I went to her birthday party during the summer. And on our last day together she had $100 on her person, which was a lot for a kid, and we went to a convenience store. She bought me a tiny charm, while the other girls got candy. It was a four-leaf clover, which I gave to my grandma. Our tallest friend was Vietnamese. I don't remember much about her, but she did whipped a tether ball in my face once. And the third friend put on an act around us, as she always played dumb for a laugh. I think we were only together because we didn't fit into the other groups. There was another group who would allow me to hang out with them at recess, so a few times I would leave my friends for other friends. I don't think they really liked me, but they seemed cool.

A year later, in another school, I gained a few new friends. I had met my first friend in a previous school a long time ago, she remembered me and we just clicked right away. She was tough, smart and I thought she was very cool. The other was her friend, but my acquaintance. She was the smallest in class, stuck up for herself, and was also Ukrainian. She was a little aggressive towards me and must of thought of me as an idiot. I don't think she liked me, but would put up with me because of our mutual friend. We didn't talk much if she wasn't there. Our third friend didn't start hanging out with us until a year later. She was friends with my cousin, but my cousin started bullying her for a laugh. It was horrible. So she hung out with us instead.

Writing this made me feel better, but also embarrassed. A few minor moments of my childhood, or whatever I could remember. Sorry its worded pretty bad. I'm a terrible writing. I always wanted to write this into my autobiography, but I don't think I'll ever do one. Don't get used to this, this was the only time I'll write something like this! Until next time.

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