WaterAttire
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i got to thinking, i have removed an awful lot of people from my life, or allowed myself to be removed, just to avoid potential emotional situations. like they had done really nothing wrong other than stir emotions that could cause conflict. jessica is the biggest regret in that regard. she had only ever been a caring friend, even after all the stuff that happened she still tried to help calm me on youtube with a comment. it very much took me off guard and i have yet to stop dwelling on it. there is also my old friend katie, who had never done anything wrong and a few years ago i removed her with others because i just could take it anymore. the thought that i was an after though by so many bothered me and so i foolishly removed those who actually thought of me and cared. hek i even had haighleigh remove me just because she liked me so much and i knew it would only turn into bickering and arguing. i knew that her liking me would only end up with her hurt and me being blamed for it. something i tried to avoid with my most resent ex who i knew would only end up looking for someone that wasnt me and leaving me for someone else, mind u soon as i saw the same pattern as my bad ex, i left that right away. u see after my bad ex dated a friend and then played us against each other, telling us both she loved us, that she didnt know who to pick, that both of us had to try hard to get her to pick, i knew where it was headed and i am sorry, i will not play those games again in my life. i payed my debt, i went out with her and put up with more than i agreed to. by the end i knew she just wanted me to leave and be mad at her so she could feel justified dating someone else, so i gave her exactly what she wanted and moved on. now i have a great gf that listens and isnt going to judge me on my opinions or strong beliefs or try to push me to see how much ill let her get away with. its weird to not be so, whats the word, pressured? i was pressured into so much, into letting things go, into doing what i was tolled, into dating because of how they felt and not how i felt. it isnt a good feeling. now tomorrow im going down to stc with my gf and getting her a stuff animal hopefully since our 1 month is next week. hard to believe its been a month already. feels like days ago i was stressed to frik just having to talk to my ex. doing that was the worst few weeks and it felt like it was a lot longer. felt like i was with my ex for years. years of being belittled and just pushed around having to listen to the excuse of her "time of the month" over and over. while i sat there and was like "yes dear, what ever you say dear." and raging inside wanting to scream out and say "are you that stupid and close minded? are you really going to tell me im stupid and what i thinks stupid after i literally just tolled u that i would never call something u say to me stupid and then u tell me the dumbest words i have ever heard come out of someone mouth and agreed with it just so u wouldnt feel like i was making fun of such a moronic concept? just stop talking for the love of god you are making the world dumber by existing alone.". of coarse that would be out of anger, and not necessarily what i actually though. what i actually thought was, "ouch, that is hardly fare. here i am trying to be understanding and i just got insulted for doing what you were doing and had what u were afraid of happening to you happen to me, very hypocritical and just mean. not kool.". but as always, if i said that, i would have been the bad guy insulting her. the big bad monster verbally abusing his gf and making her feel as bad as shes just made me feel. i use to take screenshots of the texts, of how she acted and showed my classmates. they all said she was psychotic, mean, abusive, controlling, rude, hypocritical and that i shouldnt put up with it. i even showed them my texts back, even the ones that were not so nice and all of them said it was a completely reasonable thing to say or way to react. idk, it still bothers me. if anything it bothers me because i know the guy she left me for is going to get it done to him. he will not even see he was only said yes to going out because of the attention she got from him and really had nothing to do with him as a person. i may think hes a selfish sack of scum but he was my friend and i really dont want that on him. still want to hit him thou, hard, in the face. dosnt mean ill do it. and just like bradshaw, they break up, he comes to me to say he frikked up, ill probably forgive him. because thats who i am. to spite what no one else would do, i wouldnt just hold a grudge if someone admits they made a terrible mistake