ok, so ever since mom's been home I've just felt better, like I can carry on and survive this. You see it wasn't being dumped that hurt me bad, not even losing the guy that was supposed to be my best friend, or almost having my mother die. it was it all, the feeling of it all happening at once. It scared me, freaked me out, i felt the pull to find someone to talk to about it, or force it back together, get anything back. I just couldn't lose so much all at once. But then mom came home. shes in so much pain, shes so week and she needs us but all i can think is I got exactly what i needed. it isnt much, it isnt everything but just the 1 thing, no one will understand what that is to me.
so now i feel better, a little more sane. im not lashing out, im not spouting the first things that come to my mind in hope that it is heard and im not trying to grab what just isnt there. ive moved on emotionally at least a little, and i've made up my mind to hate my ex, at least until i can become indifferent like i have done with so many others since " the 3 years of pain".
so for now, im separating me from myself and in turn, myself from others. no, it is not the best way, no it is not practical way and yes, some people might be hurt by it. but they might also not be. if they can accept that i just need my space and i need to gather my mind again, things will be ok. i already am thinking more clear and not being so erratic.
i dont know why but i have always been most calm when i allowed myself to hate and be mad. right now i am mad and i am choosing to hate and it feels right. to be on the edge of pain, crying, pain and complete and utter, unrelenting, tethered rage. i feel calmed and comforted by it. to know what my anger is but knowing that what calms me is to not use it or act on it. to almost flow with it as to flow with all feelings. i can only describe it as if there are rivers for each and every emotion and when things dont feel right, its chaos, like rapids, nothing u can do. u jump ship and u are forced to go faster and faster down the river, you can only be on one at any time and you cant seem to get off of it.not until you hit the end. but this is more like hitting that waterfall, the only point where all the emotions meet, and you are falling, waiting for the end, cant even be scared. after its done, after you hit, you are fine, you dont know how or why but u are fine. the water is still hard, and that rage has now become an undertow and you know if it catches you, it will b a hard time to make it out. but knowing its there, knowing its pulling you to where u need to be, you accept it and just let things go.
i like the feeling of being alone and being able to accept it. i really do. maybe one day ill be all ok, maybe one day ill allow myself to open up again, but it will not be for a long time and it will not be without a fight. i need to just be me for a while, at least until im ok with being me.