I've been stuck somewhere between bored and anxious, quiet/sad and pensive. I'm not feeling very blue but I feel sore and unambitious. It's not too bad because I do feel happiness and amusement sometimes so I'm not totally shut down. Interestingly I cannot help but contemplate suicide in a very ... detached way. Not super upset or needing to get away or desperately wanting to end things, just think its a good idea. I wont of course, devastating all the people that care deeply for me would be too disloyal. Especially my best friend. I have to put myself in their shoes to have an idea of how they would react. I would be completely devastated if he committed suicide and at the same time angry at him for leaving me, for causing me great suffering, and for leaving me to drown in sadness without him there to help me though such an event.
It feels like the cause for this mood is not having enough money for the things i want and need and being too inept to find deserve or keep a better job so I don't have to worry about finances. There are gaping flaws in this. It seems more likely that I'm blue because I missed my anti-depressants for a few days and these ever present stressors get all the blame. The depression also throws in some paranoia, self doubt, and anxiety to.. amplify.. magnify.. "make mountains out of ant-hills".
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