My life is spinning out of control. It was a few days ago that my grandmother, who i adore with all my heart, suffered from a heart attack. She's stayed in the hospital for almost a week now and still suffers through mini episodes.
I've been in with her for some of those days and every time she's crying out in pain and begging it to stop. I always stand by the wall when the doctors come in trying not to let any tears fall in fear that if my grandma were to see that it would only worsen the situation. Yesterday was when I finally cried my heart out at my house when my mom left to work. I don't really like crying in front of people and i know how the lack of comfort or how bottling it up can be damaging. But as it is...I'd rather go through this alone and i don't know why.
After that...I found out that my mom's broke, as in almost no money in the bank. She's struggling with deciding whether staying in the hospital with my grandma and watching over her will do any good or whether she should just go to work to gain money that is desperately needed. So far, she's missed a day. But a day can make a difference.
I've seen the way she looks at my grandma and it frightens me because I don't want to take into account a fatal possibility. My granny's strong and I want to keep believing that because that's how she brought me up. Believing regardless of the problem. Each day my heart breaks and I can feel it. The pain is becoming unbearable. Now when I cry it feels as though I'm having panic attacks. And I bring myself out of them every time...but what if I don't want to.
I've been praying for her since i found out of her illness and it's gotten to the point where I've begged to any conceivable being, evil or good, to bring my grandma her health back and in return they can have whatever they want from me. Strange to say that today might have been the pay up day.
I had received a call from my college saying that they were canceling my acceptance and that I would need to make the following calls and steps in order to successfully un-enroll to the college, including my dorm. Now i have to gather up the money to pay for a cancellation fee of about 200 dollars.
If in some way this was the deal i struck then i can only hope for my grandmas health to return, otherwise what was this all for?
I've grown exhausted of this, emotionally, mentally, even physically. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. And i feel so alone. No ones been in my house since the heart attack and even as I write this, I'm alone in my room the only company being my puppy, but an animal can only care so much. I've finally hit the point where i wish i would curl up and die because having to face so much in the mere span of a week is becoming too much. I'm not that strong and many people know that. I cant handle this much on my own. I'm scared.
I just need help.
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