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Half of the time when I write in this journal I'm venting. Please don't think I'm a brat when I complain about the most trivial s**t..
I HAVE SOME ISSUES BUT IM ALIVE
Oh my god hey guys! So college has started! And has been in session for a while...

THERE IS A LOT TO COVER. BEFORE WE START. When I say I'm "Talking to somebody" that means... Talking to them on a regular basis, getting to know them... Etc. Not like "oh hey" , "whats up", "nothing", "cool" , "yeah" or some s**t, lol.

Okay. So last time I posted it was during my falling out with my ex..

I'm going to keep this short: HE'S CRAZY. HE IS VERY UNSTABLE WHEN MAD AND HE ACTUALLY NEEDS HELP. That's the only flaw, really.. BUT ITS A BIG a** FLAW OBVIOUSLY. I'M NOT GOING TO BE AROUND THAT!

HE MESSAGED ME LIKE LAST WEEK AFTER AT LEAST 2 MONTHS OF BEING BROKEN UP FOR GOOD APOLOGIZING FOR HIS CRAZINESS. And it was such a bs apology but I really wasn't caring at the time he was giving it... so I was just like "Yeah, its cool. We're cool. Have a nice life!" And he said he loved me.. but last time we talked he said he has a new girl.. *cough* we all know shes a rebound *cough*

I don't want to talk to him at all, lol.

God, I keep having all these dumb ray-j situations.. .yknow... losers you gave the time of day from Christmas past coming back with an inflated ego like YOUR STANDARDS DID NOT GO UP LIKE 200% SINCE THEN OR YOU HAPPEN TO BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON! I regret so much, lol...

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So yeah I broke up with my ex for good a few days after my last blog post...

And since then I've been talking to a lot of guys... My ex actually messaged me when he saw I was talking to people and being really social after our breakup saying I had new boytoys and i must be over him and blah blah blah. At first I was kind of looking for a rebound... somebody to make the time go by.. but I met somebody ABSOLUTELY amazing. He was so sweet, he was so kind, he thought i was the bees knees emotion_smilies/icon_awesomeface.gif, and he was so SINCERE!! It was such a beautiful time! But we both have school and blah everything fizzled out and I was so bloooown.. STILL AM DAMMIT.

But I met some other nice guys too but none ever really stick, I keep turning sour on them. i don't know what it is. If they say one little thing I seriously just go.. "What did you say? Why did you say that? Wtf man, that's so messed up of you to say" And I'm probably too much on my guard after my ex or something.. I don't know. Some guy even guessed that some a*****e messed me up.

All I know is that I'm not like I was pre-ex boyfriend...

smilies/icon_confused.gif

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I've also turned into a bit of an egomaniac.

It's so weird... In the time I was talking to lots of guys it was a serious ego boost. Think about it! You're hanging out and chilling and texting lots of people who compliment you every moment, think you're absolutely divine, lord knows how many times i've heard "You're perfect", and you'd think they're just saying it to get some p***y but oh my gosh i kid you not a whole buuuunch are "Friend zoned" and they know they always will be and they're still so sweet! When they say things its like they're astonished.. I keep getting told I'm the "complete package." You know, looks, brains, good heart....

I look at myself and you know, my looks are okay. My brain is just a smidge above average for my age group but nothing special... if you ask me. And my heart is absolutely golden! And my soul is crazy cool... emotion_smilies/icon_dealwithit.gif Soul + heart = most important!!!

But knowing that a good handful of people think you're really amazing is really nice! I've never been so "loved" in my life, I'm telling you. That one guy I mentioned above that was absolutely amazing, he wrote me the most beeeaaaaaauuuuutttiiiiffuuuul letter! I still have it!

I keep getting called cocky and conceited but i don't see what's wrong with liking yourself for who you are. I've seriously looked at myself deeply and I think I'm AMAZING! I love myself.. smilies/icon_heart.gif smilies/dramallama.gif Whenever I profess my love for myself and the fact that im loved by people around me... it always gets messy.. WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

But I will admit... what goes on in my head about myself.. is ego maniac territory. I could write a sonnet to myself! smilies/icon_blaugh.gif So thats why I say I'm an egomaniac. But I know when I talk about my love for myself... I'm not all..WOOOO LOOK AT MEEEEE!

I like to refer to all the guys in my pool of "talking to" as my fan club. It's a JOKE! Whenever I say it people are all like "wtf a fanclub you're conceited you dont really have one stop gassing yourself up gosh b***h" but it's actually a joke lol. I'm like, "my congregation of devoted fans!!! Haters gonna hate!!!"

But yeah. I seriously don't see the problem with somebody acknowledging that they are greatly admired by a number of people and they like themselves. I'm not saying everyone's going to love me.. I'm not proclaiming i'm the absolute best person on earth. I'm just saying I know people love me, and I love myself! What's the problem? When I ask this to people too when they have a problem.. they say "it's okay to know it, but you shouldn't talk about it/*brag* about it." I'M NOT EVEN BRAGGING! It's not like I said "OH YEAH PEOPLE LOVE ME AND THEY DON'T LOVE YOU I'M SUPERIOR BECAUSE OF THIS OH YESSSSS." So many people try to make me feel ashamed for being in love with myself but... I know it's not bad.

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I've started college. I have three day weekends every weekend! I get to school at 8 am every day, and mon & wed i get out at approximately 1:30 - 2:15.. but class official ends at 3:10. The nice thing about college is you can just get released! Tues i get out at 1:45, 1:30 if lucky... Thursday 3:45.. 3:30 if im lucky... But soon the extra class on thursday will drop and I'll be getting out at 1:45!

So I'm taking 5 classes! College composition, Bio 101, College success skills (required), Poli Sci 101, and Math for the liberal arts!

College composition : At the moment I have an A+ but I just turned in one of the major essays... Praying I did well!

Bio 101: In lecture I took a test and I over-studied and zeroed in too much onto the little facts that the big facts floated over my head and got fuzzy.. Praying I got a 70. smilies/icon_cry.gif And the lab part I AM SO LAZY. MY LAB GROUP MUST HATE ME. I always do a little something then i get distracted and start talking to my friend lol. i submitted a lab report as an assignment. again. PRAYING FOR A 70!!

College success skills: Baby class... I hope to pass, though. The teacher is pleasent, the atmosphere is chill, i do learn some necessary things though!

Poli Sci: okay you guys.. so... I GOT AN 100 ON MY FIRST ESSAY! It was about american exceptionalism! And get this, a week after i submitted it.. Vladimir Putin said the same thing I said in my essay. What he said was common sense, though. But it was a funny coincidence, the wording was like... very alike. i submitted my second essay 2 days ago, blahhhh... i don't think it'll be another 100... When we have to talk and debate though I'm very.. silent. Along with a good other chunk of the freaking class, lol. Nobody wants to talk. But we write!!! Hahahaha...

Math: I GOT A 90 ON MY FIRST EXAM! I actually got an 85, but 5 points extra credit!! ALWAYS DO EXTRA CREDIT!!! Right now the work is easy-ish.. mean, median, and mode questions. Very high school. But its math for the liberal arts! I'm so glad I'm not talking calc or pre-calc, i'd cry.

I HAVE TO TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE THOUGH. I'm taking french, which I totally sucked at in high school.

School is cool!!! It's community college and everybody says community college is loser college but... even if i did do well in h.s... tuition prices these days.... boooo. There are even kids from a school nearby that's like the ONE OF THE TOP HIGH SCHOOLS IN THE NATION that are coming here! I don't feel bad at all! Tons of smart people who are not losers go here too! I have teachers who did the same thing, community college for two years then finish in university!

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I recently started a MINI obsession with... Buffy the vampire slayer. But not really. I just like Spike

I also am really into this song! yes its sang by the same girl that sang milkshake It's my theme song atm!

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Family. Bleh. I keep fighting with my cousin. She's a sour-puss at times.. and she really loves her high horse. Because she keeps her living space organized and I don't... she literally took that fact and turned it into this:

IF YOU LIVE IN A SLOB ENVIRONMENT YOU ARE A LOSER AND WILL FAIL AT EVERYTHING IN LIFE EVERYTHING MUST BE METHODICAL AND PERFECT OR ELSE YOU WILL FAIL AND BE HOMELESS!

well, ma belle!

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STEVE JOBS WAS A SLOB

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ALBERT EINSTEIN KEPT HIS SPACE MESSY AND NOT TIDIED UP EVERY TWO SECONDS

Geez! And because i don't tidy up my space she's like, "YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF YOU'RE A SLOB YOU'RE GONNA FAIL AT LIFE OH MY GOD"

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I can't stop being a sourpuss though. When guys that have no chance try talking to me/getting really cocky thinking they're gonna get me interested... I always have to destroy them. AND WHEN THEY START HITTING ON YOU, I GO IN.. Well first i'm like, "dude, chill".. then if like the a*****e they are they keep going i GO IN!

I feel like a b***h though, I keep doing it to the wrong people.. but I can't stop!!! I hate guys that are total ******** and just suck, lol.

There was this one guy trying to talk to me once. He started talking all this nasty forward stuff when i really wasnt interested.. so I was like.. "please stop.." , then he kept going... I said.. "dude, chill.".... Kept going. So I was like, "LET ME PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE!" So... I said..

"So do you get a lot of girls? And I'm talking about the times you don't have pounds of makeup on your face to come to your aid. No offense! Not to be rude or messed up, y'know?" Then I was all like emotion_smilies/icon_awesomeface.gif

And... it was revealed he has a drastically low self esteem, so he got really upset.. and I was like.. "IT WAS A JOKE!" But he thought i was lying and just using "jaykay" as a cop out.

But first off.. who just goes and insults people like that? Besides complete assholes. And second off.. HE ASKED FOR IT. He was seriously getting too hyped up and in my space and I had to!

He was like, "YOU WENT AFTER THE ONE THING I COMPLETELY HATE ABOUT MYSELF AND WOULD CHANGE IF I COULD." And then he was like you're a terrible person, because of people like you I do this..

OH I SHOULD ALSO MENTION HE WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE NO BEAUTY QUEEN EITHER, TRY A TREADMILL." We aaaaall know the truth.. I have a bit of a belly and my thighs touch but.. I'm not fat or in dire need to lose weight, lol. That was to save face for sure, you hit on me then two seconds later when you get shot down into the ground, and you have to preserve your ego!

Then he showed me the cuts on his arm. I felt so terrible after that... I was already apologizing a lot but when he showed me the cuts on his arm I went into hyper apology mode.. I felt soooo terrible... my stomach was all wishy-washy and my eyes swelled up with tears but i didn't cry and i got a lump in my throat... But he didn't accept my apology. When I talked to other people about what happened they said what I said was mean but he did have it coming... Which is true. I told him to stop! You make me uncomfortable, I make you uncomfortable!

Then a few other times I really put guys down. I feel like such a b***h. I'm soooo sorry to everyone!! But you asked for it! Don't make unwanted advances and then act like a total d**k and keep doing it like... I don't have a say.

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I love you all, okay! I love everybody as long as they are not an a*****e! My motto and philosophy is.. "AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT HARM ANOTHER LIVING THING MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY, AND EMOTIONALLY.... DO WHAT YOU LIKE!" Cuz really, what's the problem if nobody's getting hurt?

Weeeeeeee heeeeeee

I wish everyone the best, always. Soli Deo Gloria! Even though times are weird.. I'm happy to be alive! Always! I'm glad I have a roof over my head, food in my mouth, my family, clothes on my back and shoes on my feet, i can commute to school, i can attend school... i'm in good health... Thank you God! Thank you Jesus! God is good! People try to make me feel bad / persuade me to not have faith in God any longer but... I can't be shaken. I'm cool with anyone's religion as long as it follows my motto... and I know in Catholicism a lot of messed up stuff happened... But because of the choices of people who just happen to be in the some religion as me... I can't believe myself? I'm not hurting anyone. People in every religion have done something bigoted and horrible, and even non-religious people have... Like they say... CANON JESUS IS WAAY BETTER THAN FANDOM JESUS!

I love God! I love Jesus! I love you all!!!! Go and be beautiful! Forever smilies/icon_heart.gif

smilies/icon_heart.gif SDG smilies/icon_heart.gif





 
 
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