These days I am very confused, things are fuzzy, i have a lot of intense.. strong emotion raging inside of me like sparks in a furnace. I want a lot of things.. I'm just going to put what I can out...
Okay, so I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop thinking about him. I met this other guy and he was a great, amazing distraction... but I can't get my mind off of him. i think about how much you loved me, how close we got in such a short amount of time, how you came back... how I thought I was seeing.. but I really wasn't... so when you poured your heart out to me i disregarded it like it was no big deal, to act like you never phased me... that I was over it. to hurt you.
Now I understand that you only went so extreme because you were at your end... so you thought... But the excuse you used, we both know it wasn't true... you were livid.. so you unleashed all that wrath onto me. I knew you had anger problems... it was only natural. I know it's not good for us to be together point blank. But it's not so black and white, I'm starting to understand it a bit better. We both were wrong. No measurements of who was more wrong than the other will be done.. we both were wrong.
I have to remember too.. I'm just like you. we are more alike then we both will ever know. I wonder if we'll ever cross paths again. If we'll ever be together again. How often you think about me. I know you do. You think I don't... but I do way more than you think.
So many things are wrong. It may not happen.
School is school. Nice people, nobody's really giving me s**t... I'm trying to make dean's list. I keep getting Bs and it pisses me off, unless its in math... I like Bs in math...
I like taking the bus back home. I like getting rides too because of course it's time saving... but it's so awesome when you become familiar with the driver, people on the bus you see everyday, friends you see on the bus!! You see so many faces, and in my area it's super diverse... so many backgrounds, cultures, ways of life, different realities... I am so in love with it all. And the one thing that binds us all together is..
AYYYEE WE ALL DON'T DRIVE OR HAVE A CAR AVAILABLE TO US AT THE MOMENT!
I registered for my classes for the spring semester. I still have fridays off, and on thursdays I only have one class!
I'm changing my major to liberal arts because I'll have a lot more wiggle room with that!
Here are my classes..
BIO 102 - 2nd part of biology..
ENG 112 - 2nd part of english
History of design - for a fine arts credit
PED 116 - ******** useless a** class.. i need it for a physical education credit.. it's like health class?
CST 116 - introduction to communications. I think it's like speech making and stuff... the teacher I signed up for I heard she's amazing..
We'll see how those go!
Love, love, love. Although someone's constantly plaguing my mind as I said above... It's just reminiscing on good memories and moments, "what if", and figuring out what happened. I wouldn't get back together with him. I think I can still be with somebody, the right person.
Now as I'm writing this I realize a little more... that one guy I tried to use as a distraction was CRAZY BEAUTIFUL inside and out... but he was never.. open... raw & real! Like how exactly do you feel about me? Is all you see a pretty face?
we would've been solid if I met him over the summer or during my last year of H.S. I was still in my cutesy boy-chasing, just wanna have fun, super fling mode. Now I would still have flings, but I want to feel and establish something really deep... a deep connection, vibe, or bond. Despite how it sounds and people think, it's not that hard to do. I've established that many times at first glance... We just usually don't do anything about that. That's why I always need openness.. I can't deal with mixed signals, games, passive aggressiveness, bottled up emotions.
I want something fulfilling in love. I know when it comes, I'll know. All guys who have been trying to mess around, have a relationship, friends with benefits, fall in love... cut off. I'm starting fresh. I want something that really fulfills me. Something truly out of this world.
Ive been transformed into something so shallow, so vapid.. so meaningless. Im just now recovering. I've binged on compliments, vanity, infatuation from others... It's not for me. I miss the old me. Now I'm so competitive about how I look on the outside, it actually makes me feel better when I think "oh, i'm prettier than her so i win"... I hate it so much. I never used to be like this.
And there are so many other qualities to me, that outweigh how I look.. or should. I want to stop competing, stop putting others down, stop boasting so much... i really want to work on the inside. I want to become smarter, more empathetic, more understanding, more of a lover than I already am, I want to connect... with the essential me.
I feel like a stranger in every place. At home, with friends (except my best friend), at school, on tumblr... the place where everyone goes to not be an outcast LOL.. , in my neighborhood... I feel like I do too much. I get too intense, too invested, too emotional... I say too much. I'm not even truly being what I feel, I'm just unleashing bits and pieces of it. And I am one who tries my best not to be a special snowflake so don't play that card on me... i seriously can't find a niche. Maybe I will one day.
I feel really lonely today. I want to reach out to people to have a chat... but i know it won't be what i want. Just superficial banter. I love this.
Hmmm... I'm being bothered. Bye guys.
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