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the past that connects to the future
Dear Jonelle Winner
so im here typing to you again.... and idk why i am. i'd like to say happy hollidays and really mean it, but i dont even know if u read these. im going to be moving out pretty soon and i'll be struggling. im affraid to move out i really am. what modivates me to move is the fact that i have no control of my life what so ever and... what i cant deal with is my mothers attitude really. its with that attitude that i feel like i have to suck d**k to get what i want. i've always been brought up with a certain standard and if i dont meet "requirements" or "satisfactory results" she'd make things worse, harder, and blame other people for my failures. what im really moving out for is to escape the physical/emotional abuse i face at home. you didnt see it on the cruise cuz we didnt have nothing to worry bout when we were on vacation. but things got worse after that. now i dont feel safe nor comfortable living here. i either stand up formyself and get hurt in the process or suck d**k and lose my freedom- freedom to chose for myself. making independent choices has always been hard for me- i feel its how i was raised that made me so indecisive. waiting for someone to make a decision for me. i feel embarrased by it. im embarrased to sacrifice whats personal to me in order to life confortably. right now my mom doesnt want me to work at my job because she doesnt like my boss- so i have to cut my hours to shut her up. she blames my attitude at home because of my friends who shes never met and hates them for one reason or a nother, so i have to cut the amount of times i go out with friends cuz of her and can only go out when my brother goes out for his friends. she legitly enjoys control over everything and if she doenst have it she uses everything to make it so. this is a war that i've been loosing and im trying to win. if things work out and i do move out, i feel like id win a battle. but to win the war i have to prove that i can do these things on my own without her while im not living with her. the career path that i want to find for myself isnt looking to good the longer i stay in this house, always confused and afraid and made dependent of her help. she wants to educate me on how to be a better person- its bull s**t and its really "shes teaching me how to not piss her off" kind of deal. makes me wish i wasnt asian. shes so prideful bout her heritage that shes living in america how she would in vietnam. she gets in trouble for her ego thats y she moves from one boeing location to another. damn- before she tries to lecture me i already feel like s**t for messing up and everything. afterwords i feel worse than s**t and leave with either physical or emotional scars.
im being continuely attacked about how "selfish" i am. and shes right- i am selfish, but theres more to that trait than that. being selfish also means knowing what will make your life more happy and what wont. it also means that you dont need someone to tell you how to be happy because you already know what you want out of life even if it takes time figuring it out. being selfish isnt a bad thing. just a misconception by others.

i'll be thinking bout you


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