So it's a little after midnight on November 16th, 2013 and I can't sleep. I'm probably around 8 months pregnant and haven't told a single person related to me. I'm 19 years old without any sort of further education beyond a High School Degree and I have been recently unemployed due to my own stupidity and kindness. I live with Stephan and his parents and two little brothers. Steph just turned 26 and he works with his dad at the cabinet shop which he cant help but complain about every single day instead of respect the fact that he works unlike me. Also I should mention that I haven't even gone to the doctor yet and I have no clue what the sex of my child is or if my child has any health problems or if anything bad could happen to me during child birth.
I believe my life has turned into something I feared most. I feared of having nothing and I really don't have a thing to say I'm proud about. I love my mom but and afraid to hear the word "disappointed" come from her same goes for my sister. I am very happy for her though. She has a good man that is risking his life for this country even though it is going to hell in a hand basket. I just want to curl up in a big fat dark corner and cry til my eyes melt because of how much chaos has come to me. I just wish I could have made something better of myself and not have lied. I think this is the cause of everything. The lies and the wants and just everything! I wish I could take it all back!
But in reality I know that isn't possible and I can only accept these awful errors of my life that has turned into a ******** up mess. I do love Stephan though and I want to get married to him. I know he is the best for me and I know I am the best for him. We argue and everything else but we are just like that. I still don't know what to do with my life. I cant get anything beneficial from the government since I live with way too many people in this house, well actually trailer. By the way I live more so in a room then anything else. I'm always stuck here doing nothing starving half the time and thirsty all the time. I just cant do this for another year. I'm driving my self insane with these awful truths that I can't even admit to myself. I just want to go back home and cry in my mom's arms. I want everything to just vanish and leave me alone. I want this child but am so afraid I cant even feed it when I cant feed myself. I am too ashamed to ask for help from my parents and Stephan's parents probably wont even give us any help.
I am balling my eyes out right now and I cant believe how awful this all is. I don't know who I can even show this all to but it makes me feel a little better now that it's all out of my system. I would let Stephan read this but I'm afraid he'll kill himself. I wish he wouldn't threaten suicide like that to me. It hurts so bad because I don't know what I would do without him and how I would explain this to his first and second child. Speaking of Anna, Jess who is Stephan's ex has ruined his relationship with Anna and his own relationships with anyone seeing as how insecure he is. She pushed for child support and now we're waiting for such awful news to come into the mail.
I guess I'm done now and cant really say much more seeing as how my heart is already spilled into this. Well I'm going to the bathroom to clean myself up and bit and watch some Adventure Time til 4 am possibly later. Who knows, right?
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